Please describe end-stage cancer for me (warning - death, dying triggers) - Page 2

[GoBecGo]

No no atobols, i understood you just meant "be careful". My mother had a terminal heart problem from the age of 47 and then got cancer on top at 60. She was 67 when she died, and very ready for it (she'd written to cousins what, precisely she wanted, chosen a humanist to do her funeral ceremony, we even discovered undisclosed insurance after the event which paid for her casket and etc.). to you.

We too, as a family, did a lot of laughing and a lot of crying in the days running up to and following her death. It's important to stay close and be open but also cut each other a massive amount of slack at times like this.

[Frootloop]

First of all, I am so very sorry to hear of your BIL's diagnosis. My thoughts are with you all as you go through this.

I've read through everyone else's replies, and I also have to say how sorry I am that all of you have had to go through this hell, as well. It's something that I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy.

I want to give you truth.. which is what I wish so much that others had given us, so that we could prepare our hearts and minds for what was about to come. If you don't want to hear the painful details, please don't read this post. I don't wish to scare you or add to your hurt. I know that we all deal with this process very differently. Some of us will need to know details, others don't.. both are completely understandable.


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My father was diagnosed by exploratory laparoscopic surgery with a very aggressive form of metastatic pancreatic cancer on September 22nd, 1999, which was his 45th birthday. It had already metasticized to his liver, colon, and part of his stomach. He was given less than 6 months to live. Sadly, yet thankfully, his dying process went rather fast. He passed away at home with us on November 7th, 1999.. which unfortunately, was his youngest sister's birthday.

Dad was a very dedicated worker.. I think he took maybe 5 sick days in all of his 28 years of working as a mechanic. He was a very heart strong man.. never one to cry unless he was extremely hurt or as we soon learned, was very scared. (I am telling you this because how your BIL was in life may directly explain anything he may do near the very end. Is he a fighter by nature? Headstrong or stubborn? He may fight death a little harder than some.) The two weeks directly following his diagnosis, he cried quite a lot. So many times, he said that he didn't want to die. He felt out of control of what was left of his life. He said he didn't want his children to have to take care of him. He was claustrophobic and was petrified of "drowning in his own fluid" and made us swear not to let that happen (I have to mention this because of the week preceding his death). We promised to do whatever he wanted. Dad was completely coherent for those two weeks, but the pain was getting horrendous and he began vomiting A LOT.. and was no longer able to digest even the softest of food. "Ensure" became the only thing he could tolerate, and even that didn't like to stay down.

On the third week, he developed a large blood clot in his right leg and was again hospitalized. Things went downhill extremely fast from there. While in the hospital, his kidneys began shutting down and the pain was no longer bearable, even though he was being pumped with dilaudid almost continuously. He was very incoherent at this point. There were lots of hallucinations. He fought the air a lot.. he would swing his arms and make motorcycle noises.. he worked on cars in the air and would ask us to hand him tools and if we didn't hand him something, he would get angry and yell. We had to hand him pencils or straws.. just anything to pacify him. At one point, he had a moment of clarity after he was handed yet another pencil.. he opened his eyes wide, stared at it for a minute and said, "what the hell am I supposed to do with a damn pencil!!?!". It was first time we'd laughed in weeks.. and it turned out that those would be the last words that dad ever spoke to us.

Dad slipped in and out of conciousness over the next few days. Everything became very fast paced and just.. too clinical.. or something. Dad hated hospitals with a passion... and we knew the end was coming. This is when we decided to put him on Hospice care and bring him home. He came home in an ambulance and up until that point, was the most difficult thing I'd had to witness. My big strong daddy was brought into the house on a stretcher. That's when I lost it a bit.
He woke up a bit when we told him he was home.. but he went back under pretty quickly.

Hospice came at least twice daily, but the majority of the care was left up to us. We bathed him, put cool compresses under his armpits and groin when his fever would spike to extremes, wiped away his stool, and learned to suction his nose and mouth when his lungs began filling with thick red fluid. This was what dad was afraid of.. the drowning. He was afraid he would feel it. He moaned a lot.. from the pain, I think, even though he was heavily sedated.


Family and friends came to say their goodbyes. He was never left alone.. someone was always holding his hand. They say that the last thing that goes is your hearing.. even if you can't understand the words. We talked to him and told him that we loved him and that it was ok to let go. I trimmed his mustache and beard for him.. he would have wanted that. It was one of the sweetest, yet most difficult moments of my life.. and I will cherish it always.

Dad began to swell severely since his kidneys had stopped working. His stomach was very large. His breathing became extremely labored.. he would gasp suddenly and would gurgle as he breathed out. There were times that he would go 30 seconds or more between breaths. Those last moments with him were very difficult. With every outward breath, ours hearts felt like they had stopped until he took another. And then.. he just didn't. He was gone. His pain was over.


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Wow, that was difficult to write.. but if it helps even one person prepare for what may come, it's well worth it.

My only real piece of advice to you and your family is to talk to each other. Tensions will be high until the end. When you're faced with cancer, there are so many varying emotions at every moment. Be gentle with each other. I'm truly sorry that you all are going through this. Many hugs to you and your loved ones.

[babygrant]

I just wanted to send huge s to everyone who has chimed in to this thread. I work as a Long Term Care Aide in a nursing home and so many of your stories made me cry.

[Cascadian]

Frootloop - thank you for your honesty. I am one of 'those people' who is always uberprepared for everything before everyone else as I'm the one who takes care of everyone else's emotions. Life has been kind to my ILs in that everyone is still alive in their family and extended, quite elderly, but fit and healthy (well, FIL has some health issues but nothing bad). They're also a family of men (plus mom) with very little emotional display and no spiritual/religious foundation at all (In fact, this has surfaced all of a sudden, understandably, and they are scrambling for something, anything). My BIL is a bit like your dad in that he is young, strong, and a fighter. A few days ago he became terrified - of what he's facing, of the diagnosis, of the pain. He had his mom spend the night at the hospital with him. He wants to try an alternative treatment (sodium bicarbonate infusion) as he was told there was nothing left to do, but he is in such bad shape I doubt they will ever be able to take him out of the hospital.

Atobols - I was crying too, reading this. I am sorry that this brought up those memories.

Blessedwithboys - I look forward to your PM if you still want to send it.

My DH stayed overnight tonight again. FIL is elderly and going a bit senile, has falls, etc. so DH will be doing that so MIL can stay at the hospital.

Thank you all, once again. I know this is a hard thread but I really appreciate it as I have not found anything on the net or in message boards.

[Bubblette]

I can't read through everyone else's stories without a bit of a break down but here is my mom's (and mine to a certain extent)

My mama had metastatic breast cancer then went to her bones about 7-8 months before she died she stopped the palliative radiation and chemo. The cancer was in every bone of her body, and in her skull pressing on her brain. She had her first seizure in May, but they got them under control with oral meds.

She was on hospice in home care for the last year, and right till the end. Slowly her memory and reasoning skills dissolved. By the last three weeks she was exceptionally forgetful and fuzzy minded, though her basic and wonderful personality remained. She was in horrendous pain the whole time. It tears me up just thinking about it..... She was on a constant infusion of dialotid (sp?) which is much stronger than morphine for over a year.

We didn't know until 2 weeks before she died that the end was so near..... She had a grand mal seizure on a Thursday morning. Dad and I found her on the floor of her room seizing... we used the emergency Ativan and got it stopped. She was post-ictal for a long time but did come around..... though not all the way. She was awake and responsive for about a week. Our whole family came to say good bye, as we knew it was close.

About a week after the huge seizure she became very very agitated, hallucinated, unable to settle, refused food, the slightest sound set her off. It was pretty rough. On the second Tuesday she wanted jello for her "trip" in the morning, the 1st she had wanted to eat in a long while. That early afternoon she declared she was tired and it was time to say goodbye. My little brother looked at me in horror and I told him she was confused, she meant good night. She corrected us and said she meant goodbye. We had my dad on the phone (he had run out of the house) and he hurried back.... she said goodbye to all of us and when dad got home she told his she loved him.... he crawled into bed with her and they both slept. Our last picture of her is the two of them in bed together, snoring....

She slipped into unresponsiveness and was peaceful until she died on Thursday, almost exactly 2 weeks after the huge seizure.


If the patient wants to and can take it they can titrate the pain meds down so he can be aware enough to interact with people. If he can't stand the pain just drug him out of consciousness IMO... pain meds make you really fuzzy which is very hard on the patient according to my mother. He CAN go home if you can find an in home hospice and that's what everyone wants. You can have IV pain meds at home... Mom had a nurse in 2x a day. It was really hard on us but I'm very much cherish that time..... So do my father and siblings. In the end she wasn't aware so it was harder on us than her. The same was true of my aunt who also died of cancer...

Good luck, and major hugs. Cancer is awful.

[crisvow8]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I just lost my mom to lung cancer a little over a month ago. She fought almost 2 years against the disease. Her last chemo was at the end of May and she decided to stop treatment. it was not working and just destroying her. it had spread to her kidneys. She never recovered from the chemo in May. She did not go out much this summer. Things started to get real bad in August, esp. the week before she died. she was out of it, not making sense. she was giving my dad a hard time, fighting him to get into bed at night, etc. She was under the care of Hospice, which I can not say enough good things about.

Here is what happened in short...on a Wed. night she fought with all her will to get into bed that night. it took my dad & sister to get her into bed. she wanted nothing to do with it. when she woke up on Thurs. morning, she was thrashing around and moaning. my sister said it was the most awful thing she has ever seen and then she just went to sleep. She said in that state for almost 2 days. We knew it was the end. Her hospice nurse told us that she was in the stage of "Actively Dying." She died at 2am on Sat. 8/21.

I think at the end your body fights with everything it has left. That is a sign. Your spirit goes but your body holds on. Her body became very cold and her legs started turning blue. A sign that death is imminent. Her breaths became more shallow. We kept her comfortable with Morphine & Xanax.

Again, I am sooooooo very sorry your are going through this. Seeing someone you love go through something like this is life changing. The only thing that gives me some comfort these days is knowing she is not in pain anymore, but I miss her like crazy every day. I have my good days and bad days. I have 2 kids that keep me busy. But nothing will ever be the same again.

Will keep you & your family in my thoughts.