How much do you "indulge" your toddler?

[bluedaisy]

My 22 month old daughter is in that stage where she wants to do everything herself and needs everything to be done a certain way. I am just wondering how much you all "indulge" your toddler's requests for things that are not really necessary but not harmful either. I want her to explore her world and realize doing things herself is important developmentally, but at the same time I feel like if I indulge her all the time she will become demanding and always want things done her way. I am talking about things like:

wanting to turn off the light/unlock the car/open the door/crawl into my highchair herself (instead of me doing them or helping her with them)

wanting the pink shoes/blue bowl/giraffe cup etc instead of what I have given her

Not wanting to wear clothes or diapers, wanting mama to do certain things and daddy to do others (today after I gave her a bath she insisted on my husband bundling her in a towel)

what do you do with your toddler?

[ASusan]

For those things, pretty much a mix between the two. It IS developmental that they seek out - and have the chance to express - autonomy. But, it is also our responsibility as parents to put (reasonable, e.g., safety) limits on that autonomy.

Most times, he gets to do what he wants, especially if it is something he wants to do on his own. If we're in a rush, or he's not doing it right or able to do it (car seat buckles), then I say, "I'm going to count to 3, then I'm going to xxx." Or, "I'm going to go get your lunch bag, and when I get back, you need to get into your car seat." (He likes to roam around the inside of the car when he first gets in.)

For preferences, I will often let him have his way, as he frequently doesn't have a preference. But, lately, he's been insistent on a certain plate or cup. I don't always give in to that. "I'm already sitting down at the table, and I want to eat my vegetables before I get up to get another glass." or "All the little glasses are in the dishwasher; you'll have to use a big one. It's just like daddy's, see?" I don't want him to get the idea that these things (little/big or color/style) matter. But, if he expressed a desire for a certain pair of shoes or maybe a shirt or shorts, then I would probably let him have it, as this could be a comfort thing. In the "choices" department, we probably offer fewer choices or choice opportunities than most parents these days. I don't say, "red shirt or green shirt?", I just pick out his clothing and put it on him. I think too many choices can be stressful, and the color of the shirt just doesn't matter and it's not a choice that I want him to value.

For mom or dad preferences, we usually go with it, although sometimes we will say, "It's daddy's turn to give you your bath tonight. Mama's going to clean the kitchen." If he's on a kick of preferring one of us over the other, it usually irons itself out if the preferred parent takes an evening off or is out of the house for a while.

For clothing, he pretty much has to wear it. We don't allow him to run around naked. We're stricter in many ways compared to other families on MDC. But, if he expressed a desire for underwear rather than a diaper, I'd do that. (did that - he wears underwear full time now).

So, in essence, it's highly variable. I don't know why I bothered to answer this post.

[pbjmama]

I give choices before I take action. What cup would you like? Or if that is too much for your child, would you like the red cup or the blue cup? My kids can run naked at home if they want. They pick their own clothes and my 2 yo dresses herself, even if it is backwards, inside out, etc. Most things like lights, sink to wash hands, etc I make a way so they can easily do it themselves because I get annoyed being the helper. We have a small stool in almost every room of our house. We also accommodate most requests for mom or dad. I've found it can create special memories and bonding between parent and child. Dad always wraps up like a sausage after bath. Dad carries 'sleeping' children to bed. Mom says prayers before bed. Dad does snack time.

I don't think of any of these as indulgent. Most are life skills IMO. I'm alot happier if I don't have to follow my child around doing every little thing for her. And now that my kids are understanding more I can use this to my advantage. Occasionally I am able to say, you know mama lets you make alot of your own choices and this time I need you to respect my choice and cooperate. And it actually works 90% of the time.

[mamazee]

I let them do whatever is practical. I don't bend over backward, but unless there's a good reason for the no, it's a yes.

[just_lily]

Most of the time I let her do things her way. The most popular phrase in my house lately is "My do it myself!!!"

I haven't brushed her hair in two days now because it is not worth the hassle. I do insist on her wearing pants when we go out though.

And she has already figured out how to test her limits. If she is standing up on her chair at the table and I ask her to sit she'll say "My knees Mummy!" and sit on her knees instead of her bum.

Or my favourite example is when we walk to church along a fairly busy road. There is a strip of grass between the sidewalk and the road that she always wants to walk on, but it is too close to the cars for my comfort. I ask her to stay on the sidewalk and she will start walking with one foot on the sidewalk and one foot on the grass. Turkey!

[MamaPhD]

I guess I don't really see your list as indulgences OP. I think they are child development. Whenever my DD starts to show interest in doing something herself, I actually encourage her. Now at 22 mo she wants to do everything herself and is really into being a "big girl". I always let her choose her clothes/shoes/bowls whenever I can.

[crunchy_mommy]

I say it's about 50/50. We are often rushing around (unfortunately) so when we're in a rush, I take over, though I still try to give him a few options etc. or take a minute to let him unlock the car door. When we're not rushing anywhere then I kind of let him do whatever he asks, as long as he isn't changing his mind every 5 minutes (blue shirt! no, red shirt! no, puppy shirt!) because then I have to step in or (I've learned the hard way) he has a meltdown. Certain things -- like letting him walk from the car to the house -- will invariably lead to meltdown because he wants to stay outside & play, so things like that I don't give him the option to walk. But for the most part I do try to 'indulge' him (though I don't think of it as indulging)... I am trying to back off more as he shows me he can proficiently & calmly do things.

The one hard point for me is the Mommy/Daddy thing. If he had his way (and I just posted about this, in fact!) he would be with MOMMY all day long and Mommy would be the only person to give him food, change his diapers, kiss his boo-boos, etc. But I simply can't do that, I can't be the only one taking care of him 24/7 when he has a very loving & capable father right there wanting to care for him. So we are trying to limit the Mommy/Daddy indulgences -- though admittedly it doesn't always happen & often we do just give in & Mommy takes over.

[chicoandthemama]

I also don't see these things as indulgences. Looking at it from the child's perspective, we tell them what to do all day long, so it could be considered modeling behavior . Some advice I live by with my 2.5 yo ds is provide as much opportunity for him to feel empowered as possible/reasonable. I try to honor his freedom to choose and do as often as I can. If his requests seem to me unreasonable, like when he only wants me to stand while holding him (I am 35 weeks pregnant), I respond the same way I'd respond to anyone, "I'm tired, and would prefer to sit. Would you like me to continue holding you while I sit?". If this produces a tantrum, then so be it. That's the kind of behavior I do not indulge.

[lafemmedesfemmes]

how much do i indulge my toddler?

for things like what you described, as much as i possibly can. if it's not important to me, but it's important to them, there's usually not a reason for me to say no, and they're usually more compliant when i do have to say no.

i do set boundaries for dangerous things or particularly annoying things or impinging on other people's spaces, but on the whole, i find it easier in our family to say yes than to say no.

christina

[faithsstuff]

I like to give ds options, then it doesn't turn into a battle and I don't get frustrated.

[Novus]

For the stuff he wants to do by himself, I indulge him as much as possible because I want him to learn those skills. Right now, he's learning to climb down stairs by himself. That's fine. But he doesn't want me close by. That's not fine because he still stumbles sometimes and I'm not having him fall down two flights of stairs. So I'm happy to stand a couple of stairs down and not hold his hand, but I don't indulge his desire to be completely alone on the stairs.

I'd indulge cup/spoon/plate preferences as long as he asked before I served stuff out (I imagine...he hasn't expressed too many of these preferences yet.) We don't usually indulge mommy/daddy preferences unless we're both available at the time and it's something like who he wants to read or play with. Most of the time though, whichever parent is available at the moment is the one that changes/feeds him.

[ellemenope]

I try to indulge my toddler as much as I would indulge my husband in the same situation and then maybe a little bit more.

[SpartyGuard]

Originally Posted by mamazee

I let them do whatever is practical. I don't bend over backward, but unless there's a good reason for the no, it's a yes.

That sums it up best for me!

[SpuglyRoo]

Originally Posted by pbjmama

I give choices before I take action. What cup would you like? Or if that is too much for your child, would you like the red cup or the blue cup? ...

... I don't think of any of these as indulgent. Most are life skills IMO. I'm alot happier if I don't have to follow my child around doing every little thing for her.

I agree. Because he is so sensitive to just about everything since his sister arrived 2 months ago, I have been trying to anticipate things that I know will cause upset if I just do/choose it myself. Like I have been asking him if he wants to turn a light on/off as we enter/leave a room, when usually I would have done it myself because it is a habit. After he rinses his hands for a sufficient time, instead of just turning the water off and saying he's all done, I ask him if he wants to turn it off, or should mommy do it.

[emily11megan]

I read an awesome book that gave the advice "say yes unless you can find a good reason to say no" and I really like that. NO to another piece of candy if I only agreed to one, but yes to wearing pajama top and jeans and flip flops. I don't think it will last a long time, pretty soon they will just be making these choices on their own, and it's nice to show them we appreciate their individual choices and sense of self.

[bluedaisy]

Thanks everyone for all the responses, navigating toddlerhood can be hard especially when dd's personality seems to change daily sometimes!

I want her to assert her independence, I just don't want her to insist on having her own way all the time.

For example, she is obsessed with keys and unlocking things right now. Today we went to the grocery store and I was in a hurry...I unlocked the car door and she threw herself down on the pavement, crying. she did the same thing when i unlocked the house door. She doesn't cry for long so they are not all-out tantrums, but it would be nice if she didn't have a meltdown every time she can't unlock something. I told her we were in a hurry so mommy is going to do it because it takes her FOREVER and she will hit my hand if I try to help.

I guess those things are pretty normal though for this stage, right?

[pbjmama]

I think what she is doing is a developmentally appropriate way of trying to master a skill. It is very normal. And until she masters the skill it will probably continue. My suggestion would be to get her a set of keys to play with (real are best imo) and encourage her to work independently where she can and with your help where she needs supervision.