adopting/infertility - Page 2

[RedOakMomma]

Originally Posted by marsupial-mom

Personally, all the research I've done suggests it's far easier to adopt an infant or young child domestically. There are a lot of myths about adoption. One seems to be an idealized version of international adoption.

This. Yes.

We adopted internationally from South Korea. Our daughter came home at 9 months old, which seems to be about the youngest you can bring a child home from international adoption. Sure, you sometimes see stories about younger babies, but it's no longer the case that you can adopt a 2, 3, or 4-month old. Most babies are going to be older, if not near-toddlers.

Also, please don't have two little ones at once. There's a reason most reputable adoption agencies won't allow you to continue with an adoption process (or even referral) if you get pregnant--it is often disasterous for the child. I know you're fully committed to parenting, but I've seen so many tragic disruptions play out when this situation happens...new adopted baby, brand new birthed baby, and I don't know if it's hormones or what, but the adopted baby often ends up getting the short (WAY short) end of the stick. Sometimes that means just a distanced or challenged relationship with the parent(s), sometimes that means behavioral issues or attachment issues, and sometimes that means disruption.

Adopting is much more challenging than having a baby by birth. You have all the newborn attachment needs, but with a history of broken bonds and trauma for the child. You also have a child who is working to do all the infant attachment/development work at a phase of growth (at 9 months, or 12 months, or 2 years) that is out of sync with their mental and physical developments. Parenting dd was hard, hard, HARD work. Exhausting work. I parented special-needs twins, and dd was HARDER THAN THAT. By far. She was so incredibly needy, so incredibly terrified by the adjustment, and her personality was (and is) challenging...I don't know if it's genetics, or something her mother did (alcohol? drugs?), or what, but it took well over year to form a somewhat solid attachment with her, and many many months for the work load of adoption issues to subside somewhat.

Combine that with a newborn? Or a pregnancy?? No way.

Not all adoptions are challenging, but you never know which ones will be. Yours very well could be. And in general, adoption gets a much rosier picture in our society than I think it deserves. People want to believe it's all good, all easy, and the same as having a biological child. It's not. It is its own kind of blessing, but it's not the same.

[Smithie]

I tend to agree with ROM that accepting a referral while pg or with a newborn would be a terrible idea - but beginning the adoption process? That's just paperwork and money and time. If OP can spare the money and time, it makes sense to me to get started with an agency. Its not as though a biobaby is definitely expected here, or is preferred over an adoptive placement. In OP's shoes, I think I'd want to be going down both roads at this early stage of the game, because waiting 5 years or more to be a mom if the pregnancy is a no-go and the adoption process isn't even started until the fertility treatments are ended? Ouch.

[RedOakMomma]

A lot of agencies will ask you to sign a form saying you will not TTC during the adoption process.

I believe it has to do with what someone else mentioned--the rollercoaster of emotions involved in both processes. The wait during international adoption (or any adoption, I'd guess) is a big part of the process of mentally and emotionally preparing for that child. In a way, it's the "pregnancy" of that child. If you are hedging your bets, and hoping to TTC before the adopted child is referred, what kind of thinking does that set up?

Also, if you are TTC, get a referral, and also find out you're pregnant, then it puts you and the agency (and your social worker) in a very tough position. I've seen this play out in a small yahoo group I belong to. Many parents are tempted to lie, or to find a way around the rule, etc....so they can keep BOTH children they're so attached to. It's not good.

[missme]

RedOakMomma -- that's exactly what I don't want to happen - have two little ones at once! That's why I'm collecting ideas and information. I'm all about making responsible choices, which is why I've waited so long to start my family, even though it's always been in my heart. Also - I don't think hedging my bets is a negative thing. My goal is to be a parent. Making and birthing a child is in my heart, but a bio child isn't in my heart more or less than an adopted child. I don't know which path will lead me to being a mother. Maybe both at different times! Also - I have coped reasonably well with this whole process by focusing on the end goal - parenthood. That's a big part of how I keep myself sane through the heart break, fear, and financial strain, and the loneliness of going it alone.

This is so awesome that I've gotten so many responses! It's really helpful to my thought and emotional processes to hear other peoples' stories and ideas.

[RedOakMomma]

Best of luck to you. I would just be honest with agencies when you approach them, and ask about their views on ttc while going through the adoption process. My guess is that most agencies will have a viewpoint, a policy, or at least some advice, on whether or not that's a good idea, or whether or not they're willing to work with you if you intend to ttc.

You will, of course, be able to find agencies that don't mind a bit....but if in calling around you find that a lot of the best agencies DO mind, it might be worth a discussion with some of their social workers about why their advice or policies are what they are. I'd hope they'd have clear reasons, articles, and examples of why they've chosen those policies.

You might have to push a little to get past the "we'll send you an info packet" line and actually have a detailed discussion with an agency social worker, but in this case I think it would be worth it. These are big decisions.

[wallabi]

I think in a situation in which the TTC has a definite ending point, where there is only a chance at conceiving through IVF, and that is only going to be done a finite number of times, TTC is going to be over before the waiting phase of adoption begins, either in the shape of a pg, which puts adoption plans on hold until after the birth and first months/years of the new baby, or in the shape of IVF not working out. In that case, a "surprise" pregnacy changing adoption plans well into the process is not very likely (soemone using donor sperm is hardly likely to suddenly fall pg 3 months into a placement!), and that, it seems to me, is where the potential problems lie.

OP, given your time frame, I think it is unlikely that you will get further than an approved homestudy before knowing whether IVF has worked out, you do only risk your own time and money (though if you can find an agency willing to let you put your application on hold in the event of a pregnancy, you can minimize even this). There seems to me to be no place for an overlap of the most intense parts of each process, and if you go ahead and start researching and begin a homestudy, at the end of the year you will be either (a)pregnant and much more knowledgeable about the adoption process and thus ready to proceed with an adoption further on down the line if you decide you want to or (b) not pregnant, but ready to move into the waiting stage adoption, having begun your homestudy or perhaps even having had it approved. Those are both places I would rather be in a year than having reached the end of the road with infertility treatments with a whole new process yet to begin.

full disclosure - the above is 2 cents from an adoptive mama presently both keeping a foster/adopt license open (with the knowledge that in our area a second placement is not very likely, for reasons similar to what you have written about as being the case in Canada) and TTC , because, darn it, we want more kids. plain and simple.