what would GD look like in this case?

[shanniesue2]

I've been sort of mulling over something for a while. About a year ago, we were driving to my parent's house and two kids (about 6years old) in their neighborhood threw a rock at our car as we drove by. We didn't see them throw the rock.. but there was big chunky gravel on the road (construction), the two kids were standing right there by where we were driving slowly by, and they both bolted when when we stopped to figured out what the huge ka-thunk was that had knocked into the side of our car.

Anyway, we knocked on the doors of both of their houses (cause we saw them run inside) and spoke to their parents. One set of parents pulled a wiffle ball bat out and started hitting the kid with it (EEEEEEKKKK!) while the dad said, "don't use a bat, get the belt!" The other parent stayed inside and calmly told us that they would take care of it right away.

sigh

So anyway, I got to wondering what on earth I would do if DS ever did anything like that. Beating him with a plastic bat is certainly not on the top of my list (or ANYWHERE on it for that matter). And while I don't advocate spanking, if I'm really honest... that would cross my mind as a possibility. Not b/c I think it's the best way to handle that kind of situation, but rather b/c I can't think of anything else. I mean, what kind of related/logical consequences to that kind of action can you enforce for a 6 year old. They are too young to fix the damage or pay for repairs. Grounding seems... idk... insufficient or something. And just talking about seems also really insufficient.

So I guess I want to know, with serious misbehavior like this, what does GD look like? I feel like there would need to be some kind of consequence. But what?

I really want to clarify that I have no intention of ever including spanking in our household discipline. And I do NOT think that it is appropriate. Basically, I know how upset we were that the kids did this to our car... and if I had been one of their parents, I would have been not only upset at them, but completely mortified. And, even after a year, I still have not been able to come up with any idea of how to effectively discipline a child who showed this kind of misbehavior.

[Just1More]

I think there are a couple of things at play here.

Firstly, I would have to step back and take a look at my child. Was his behavior simply childishness? Or was he truly TRYING to be out of line? If he was just being childish, and not thinking things through, as children are prone to do, I DO think a talking-to is plenty. He's not turned rotten and mean all of the sudden. It isn't like he was setting out to do damage for the sake of damage, or to be mean to the neighbors. He was just being and he made a bad call. Making a big deal out of it is the opposite of appropriate in this case. It SEEMS bad, but it really isn't.

Secondly, if my child were developing a track record of this sort of thing, I would give it much more pause. Is his attitude poor in general? Does he "talk back" a lot? Does he refuse to do what he's asked? Is he mean to his siblings? Not doing well in school? Have a tendancy to lie? Etc? THAT would be a much bigger deal to me, not because rock throwing is so much more awful, but because it shows me that my child is on the wrong path.

Thirdly, who is the other child involved? It might be time to evaluate friendships and free time.

So, if this were my child, after considering the above, this is what I would do...

Examine the damage of the vehicle and offer to make amends.
Assure the parents I will address the matter with my son.

Childishness, bad attitude, or bad friends, my child would be required to make amends. No, he can't make enough money to deal with that much damage, but he can work somehow, and he can pay for some aspect of it. Something like, "Daddy paid your debt and it took him x hours of work to do it (just roughly calculating what Daddy gets paid), and now you owe him x hours of work." He would also need to write an apology that we would mail, or deliver, if we knew the people personally. Not meaning to do wrong doesn't mean you get off the hook. There are still social norms to follow. It DOES mean that you don't get punished, yk? This can be a very gentle, loving, guiding event. No shame, no anger, no guilt. It's just what people do.

If I thought that particular friend was a problem, we'd have a discussion about that. Since we are Christian, I would talk about how "evil companions corrupt good morals", and how God feels about people who do bad stuff on purpose. And also what good friends are, and how to tell if someone is a good friend. THEN, I would dwell on how to BE a good friend. I'd talk a lot about how it's his (my son's) responsibility to help his friends be better people, and to do what's right. That's what good friends do. I would give a warning (unless we'd already had this discussion about the same kid) that I could not let him play with someone who was going to convince him to do things that were wrong. I loved him too much to set him up for trouble. We could try again, but if anything else happened, we'd have to take a break from said kid.

Most importantly, if this sort of thing was becoming a trend, I would do all of the above AND then I'd clear my calendar. My child would not be doing anything except being with me until I'd earned his love and trust and desire again. He might not even be going to school for a time. Tomato plants don't grow straight if they aren't staked, and that little plant needs to be staked to his parents, and rooted deeply. I would ignore all his protests of how boring I was, and how much he hated me, and how stupid it was. I would keep him with me, running errands, doing dishes, cleaning house, occasionally playing a game or reading a book, until he found all he WANTED to do was to be with me. I wouldn't go out of my way to treat him to things, or give him what he wanted, but I wouldn't be a jerk either. The idea is just to recenter him for a time, and then let him try on the big bad world again, a little here and there.

I can't see how a spanking in this case would do anything but drive a child further away from his parents. (Or be total overkill to an innocent child who made a bad choice.) An event like throwing rocks at another car, if done in a malicious way, is symptomatic of something much, much deeper. It's not about the rocks.

[NellieKatz]

Well that ought to be the only reply on this post because I don't think anyone can say it better than you, Just1More!!

It's not about the rocks. Ain't it the truth.

[msmiranda]

I agree -- that's one of the best and most detailed responses I've ever read on this forum. Bravo!

[shanniesue2]

THANK YOU!

What a great response! I certainly hope that DS never does anything like that, but I also know that he is going to make some bad choices (and I probably will, too)... it's quite a learning process!

[Kristin0105]

I love your idea of keeping your child close to you as a means of helping them become re-centered and refocused on what is important and how to help them act appropriately. Too many times parents seem to do the opposite with ultimately dire consequences for all.

Nice reminder.

[Dar]

I remember throwing rocks at cars when I was 8 or 9 or so, while waiting at the bus stop. There were maybe four of us, and we'd seen a car hit a small rock and watched it kind of get caught up in the undercarriage and then spin away, and we thought it looked cool... so we were throwing rocks towards the wheels or cars to sort of recreate the effect. We really didn't think of it as throwing rocks at cars, if that makes sense - we were kids, and our brains just weren't thinking that way. We didn't consider for a moment what the people in the cars would think, either.

So I wouldn't assume anything about a kid's motivations for doing something like that, because truly, sometimes their brains work differently.