How bad is it...

[crunchy_mommy]

...to let your toddler cry & scream for Mommy for a long time? With DH right there to comfort of course...

Because it sure feels horrible... but Mommy needs a break... Mommy needs to maintain some semblance of sanity...

[Jend1002]

I don't know, but I have to do it sometimes too. He wakes at night and when DH goes in, he really cries for me, but sometimes I just need to lay there. It does feel awful and makes DH feel pretty bad too!

[crunchy_mommy]

It's all day. All night. All he wants is Mommy. I have to leave the house to get him to calm down but obviously I can't always be out of the house. I feel like crying, I wish he'd get attached to DH the same way he is to me, but he only wants to be with DH if they go outside & play. I feel like such a horrible mom when I hear him screaming for me & just stay where I am. Obviously I usually give in & go comfort him (well, eventually) but I feel like that's not helping him & DH bond either. I wish he was a happy kid.

[belltree]

I could chime right in with you. I have three thoughts on this: a) I believe that if the child is being held and calmed by someone than the crying is ok, it's not good, but it's ok. b) Keeping yourself sane is very important. Finding the right balance can be difficult. c) I found, that ds get especially attached to me, when he's hungry, sad or in a growth spurt, realizing this, helps me to give him a bit more cuddle time.

Also, I had to leave dh and ds for about 10 days and they had a great time together, I had a video recorded singing "our" lullaby while holding him and that helped during night times a lot. But as soon as I was back, he would not accept dh at night anymore.

[LadyCatherine185]

I know you are having a rough time and you definitely deserve a break.

But, I would try having your DH take your DS out somewhere, or let DS think you are out of the house. My DH started taking Liam out for breakfast on Saturday mornings for me to sleep in when he was about 7-8 months old.. at first he tried just taking him into the living room to play, but Liam just fussed the whole time because he wanted Mommy.. once they started going OUT, he was happy, and now they have an awesome tradition that I believe has really helped bond them together.. Liam almost prefers DH to me nowadays..

[AFWife]

Originally Posted by belltree

a) I believe that if the child is being held and calmed by someone than the crying is ok, it's not good, but it's ok. b) Keeping yourself sane is very important. Finding the right balance can be difficult.

I wanted to repeat these. Sometimes after DS has a rough day I wait until DH has gotten home and settled in and then I'll tell him, "We had a rough day. I need 20mins to myself. I'm going to take a hot bath and read a book." (Or whatever activity) Sometimes DS does okay (he's gotten better) but sometimes I can hear him screaming and throwing a fit...those are the days I take a shower because the water drowns it out.
Honestly, I think I still have some PPD...and it makes it really hard to deal with a tantruming kid all day.

[physmom]

Oh man, DD is horrible about this! She's actually just fine if DH is home along with her (of her babysitter) but if we're all home together it's just MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY and DH feels really left out. I wish I had a solution for you!

[Jend1002]

Oh OP, it sounds like you are utterly exhausted. It is really hard to hear your DS cry too, so I imagine that it doesn't really feel like a break anyway when DH has him. I know it is hard to always get out of the house when you need a moment - LadyCatherine's suggestion is a good one. Maybe your DH could start a similar ritual?

I have a very intense, serious, and not smiley child BUT I work out of my house. I get a break by going to work. I can't imagine doing that all the time. You DESERVE a break. Daily!

[justKate]

Personally, I don't think its bad at all. There are times when I have to do things. Like use the bathroom, take something out of the oven, whatever. And then DD just has to scream with Huz. What do single parents do, you know?

IMO, an AP'ed healthy toddler can generally understand that Mama will be back soon and that Daddy can take care of her needs. For DD, who seems to be in the middle of learning what she can control and what she can't, it is very upsetting to find that she cannot make Mama come back every time. That Mama doesn't do exactly what she wants every time. But that's something she has to learn, and who better to learn it with than a Daddy who loves her?

Is there a special activity that could be reserved for just DS and DH?

Have you read Tears and Tantrums? Some of it is crap, but what helped me was where the author talks about tantrums as a release of energy/frustration and a form of communication. If you look at the crying as your DS telling you that he is very upset by this change, rather than major distress, it might be helpful... just brainstorming. I'm sorry that you're feeling bad, but please try not to!

[crunchy_mommy]

Thank you everyone, it's definitely good to get some perspective on this. We are trying to have either me leave or DH take DS somewhere as much as possible (rather than both be home at the same time) but it's not always possible, especially since we all go to bed late & there aren't many places to go at 10pm!! I think I really just need to hear that it's OK if he's mad that I can't be there every single second of his day... That I'm not going to traumatize him by leaving him crying with his very loving & attentive father... *sigh* It's been a really rough few weeks. We're about to leave for a week-long trip so I'm hoping that will help us (DS loves going new places & is always happier on vacation!)

The thing that's really painful for us right now, is that it's hard for me to remember that it's NOT DH's fault that DS screams whenever he's with him. It's really hard not to blame DH & get mad at him for 'not trying hard enough' -- I know he's doing his best, but when there's such a drastic difference between how DS is with me vs. how he is with DH, it's just hard on all of us. Our marriage has really been suffering because of this.

[LeoneLover13]

crunchy_mommy: "It's really hard not to blame DH & get mad at him for 'not trying hard enough' -- I know he's doing his best, but when there's such a drastic difference between how DS is with me vs. how he is with DH, it's just hard on all of us. Our marriage has really been suffering because of this. "

This resonated with me personally. I have been there many times and still am some times.

I believe everything you are doing is fine. My DD is 2 this week and she has an attachment to me that she doesn't have with DH and fights him a lot when it's bedtime with him.
However, when we started this a few months ago I was completely exhausted and absolutely at the end of my rope. It took (and can still take) up to 1.5 hrs to get her to sleep at night and I got very frustrated, angry and would lose my patience with her and I hated it. I had been taking care of every time she would sleep since she was born and I was starting to resent it. So, DH started trying to take over. She would become hysterical sometimes but she was with Daddy so i had to tell myself it was OK, she loves her Daddy, he loves her. A few times I couldn't take it anymore and would go in the room and DH would get upset at me, and I him, because I felt he wasn't doing what I knew worked for me, or what I thought he should do, and he felt that me coming in whilst he was trying so hard was me 'saving' DD and was counterproductive to what he was trying to accomplish. So our marriage was suffering at that point too. I had to let go, let her be with her Daddy and let him try his own ways with her. I stopped going in and interrupting the crying and 'saving' DD, and let DH do what worked for him and her. It worked almost instantly.

So now, I nurse her in her bed then I get out and tell her Daddy will lay with you now. She immediately gets upset but DH has his own way with her that works, and she stops, relaxes and sleeps. She goes to sleep much easier for him than me now.

I guess some would see this as another form of CIO, but I don't believe that, not if they are being held, comforted, talked to by another parent who loves them and are just trying to come to terms with Mommy needing to take her own break sometimes, which is a hard thing for a LO to understand.

I hope things work out for you, and you get the rest you so need!

[Abraisme]

I think it's perfectly reasonable to allow your DH to comfort your child. Luckily my DD loves her daddy so this isn't an issue, but I certainly wouldn't hesitate to leave them alone in your situation. You need time by yourself and your LO will be taken care of and loved by DH in your absence. Good luck!

[JordanKX]

I will "take a break" by stealing my laptop and go in the bedroom with closed door, and DS will stand at the gate and just yell. It kills his dad, who's right there, playing on the floor, trying to keep his attention. I dunno... one of the potential drawbacks of SAHM, he's just more used to me?

I still take my break. I still make sure they have that time. It's awful to listen to. But I agree with PPs that maybe it'd be easier to leave the house or have them leave the house together, do something totally separate bonding on their own.

[Tjej]

Your feelings of blaming DH - for me those feelings well up when I hear my kid cry, and they get blamed onto DH if he is around/I can blame him for the feelings. BUT, I find that if I think about the feelings, it is actually me feeling awful and frustrated about my child hurting and me not soothing that hurt.

So anyway, if that made any sense, maybe it can give you a little perspective on your feelings towards DH and then you can realize it isn't really him.

Tjej

[sapphire_chan]

The really annoying thing at our house? 90% of that kind of screaming is happening because she won't get into bed and nurse. She's not being kept from me, she just won't *grrrrr* come to me. Then there's all the times dh is holding her NEXT to me, right where she can see everything I'm doing.

But it does get better, dd's started asking dh to go with her to do stuff now about 25% of the time, 75% for games.

Oh, and leaving the house, or them leaving the house is 100% better. When dh and dd go to the park she'll be upset as they leave and then come home excited about having gone to play with Daddy. When I leave, dh says she's upset for a few minutes and then is fine except for occasionally asking where I am. Soooooooo much better than when I tried to be away from her in the same location.