Intrusive thoughts/OCD?

[jen816]

Hi mamas,

I am sincerely hoping that some of you wise women might be able to help me out. I don't have a lot of time, so I will try to be brief. Lately I have been under a lot of stress. I am thinking of separating/possibly divorcing my husband. We have been married 14 years and have 4 children together. I have been out of the workforce since 1999 with the exception of some catering and a fitness job. There are some very serious issues in our relationship and I have been in individual counseling since June of this year. My therapist thinks that my husband may be an addict (he is addicted to vicodin right now because of a medical condition.)

Back to my problem though. A few years back when things started to really come to a boil for us (he was lying to me alot), I started to have these awful thoughts. I would be standing there talking to someone and it would just pop into my head to hit them or hurt them. I was horrified. This scared me so badly and I thought something was seriously wrong with me. I have been trying to ignore these thoughts that are more frequent at certain times. Then last Friday some things happened between my husband and I that caused me a great deal of stress. I was doing a catering job that evening and was doing some cooking working with knives. The thoughts that popped into my head were so scary that I was coming close to a panic attack and thought I would have to leave. I stayed only because I was afraid they would think I was crazy. I was beginning to think I was crazy. I have never hurt anything. I am horrified by the thought of hurting anyone. So, I went home and googled "inappropriate thoughts of hurting people." Well, guess what popped up? Boards galore where people were talking about these EXACT thoughts. I read that these can be a symptom of OCD.

I think I might have OCD, or maybe obsession without the compulsions. Although I have noticed that when I am anxious I tend to mentally count or repeat phrases over and over in my head. I was too afraid to bring this up at my therapy appointment last week. My husband is being very vindictive. I am afraid that my therapist might have to mention my thoughts of hurting others to someone and that I might lose my kids. I am so stressed over this whole thing and to have to add that fear, I just can't handle it. I want to go to my dr. to have him prescribe some meds for anxiety anyway. Should I mention this symptom? Can they use this against me? I am so scared. I am barely sleeping, not eating and still have to deal with my husband on a daily basis. I need some help. I am still managing to hold it together for my kids. I'm using every ounce of energy I have to do it. I have always had anxiety and I know that this situation is exacerbating it. Anyway, I was trying to be brief. I might not be able to check back right away, but if you ladies have any words of wisdom, I would be so grateful. Thank you so much.

Jen

[sweetpea333]

Dear Jen, I know what u are going through, about 6 years ago I suffered from intrusive thoughts about hurting people or my kids and it took me about two years to rid myself of the anxiety that came after these thoughts. This does sound like ocd to me, and while u think you might not have any compulsion your compulsion could be googling your symptoms and seeking reassurance from others, I used to compulsively confess all my intrusive thoughts on random message boards, to my mother, husband, councellors and best friends, this only made things a thousand times worse, the more i told people about these thoughts the more they came. The more I analyzed these thoughts the more they came and the longer I suffered with feelings of guilt.

I felt if I told others the guilt would go away and it would for a little while until another thought would pop into my head and then the vicious cycle would begin again... What worked for me was when I would have an intrusive thought, I would say to myself "wow, that's a bad thought" and not give it anymore attention, because that's exactly what it is a bad thought. I know it's easier said then done but ocd feeds off the anxiety and the more attention you give it in your mind or talking about them, the more they will come. I still do have intrusive thoughts once in a while but I now know that they don't deserve another thought.

[Essie]

I'm so sorry you a re going thru that. dh suffers from ocd but his is different. It always manifests when he is under severe stress. You are going thru a lot right now and probably just holding it together. No wonder this is happening. I don't think "thoughts" of harm would be cause to worry. I think if you are really nervous you don't need to say those things if you talk to an intake person or therapist. You need to get help though, and take care of this please.

Hugs!

[jen816]

Thank you both for replying. I really appreciate the input. I did go to my dr. on Monday. I only mentioned my situation and extreme anxiety at the moment. He gave me a prescription for Citalopram. I seem to be having quite a few side effects-insomnia, jitters, loss of appetite-not sure if they will go away. I know the drug takes a few weeks to really kick in. I'm nervous about it. I have never taken anything for my anxiety before. I am worried that I just won't care about anything anymore. But, I just want to feel better. I want to be able to make decisions without this constant fear. Thanks again for replying. It really is nice to know I'm not alone.

Jen

[Essie]

No, you are not alone. Yes, the side effects will pass. Often anti anxiety/depression meds have those. Also, I work in a pharmacy and I want you to know that one of the TOP meds people take is anti-depressants. There are so many people who have trouble sleeping, getting rid of negative thinking, nagging thoughts, obsessive thoughts.

I know that it feels really isolating and you might feel like you are weird or the only one who has those particular thoughts. Believe me, I don't have ocd but I have add and it's bad too. Just know that these things take time and you are moving in the right direction. I often felt isolated from dh b/c I just didn't know what to tell him anymore. I couldn't constantly assure him that his thoughts were not real (he had obsessive thoughts about what he thought he'd done). I begged him to get help b/c I felt like he wasn't in control and neither did he and that made me feel like a single parent.

That was probably TMI, but since I don't know you I'm just trying to say things that will hopefully give you some perspective and help feel like you are supported!

All the best, and keep moving forward. You can do it

[harrietsmama]

I have also struggled with intrusive thoughts. For me, I generally had 2 or 3 songs simultaneously, as well as the harming or what if accident thoughts. I went to the hospital several times due to the severity. I tried many different meds, and they have succeeded in controlling some of my other symptoms but the ones for those particular symptoms I haven't been able to tolerate due to heart reactions.

Mindfulness practice is what really helped me. Learning to focus on one thing at a time, only walking or only listening. Allowing yourself to notice the thought intruding, but not fight it - allow it to float along like a cloud and keep bringing yourself back to what you are focusing on. One good way to get it in everyday is to practice while brushing your teeth.

Many hugs

[Essie]

Originally Posted by harrietsmama

I have also struggled with intrusive thoughts. For me, I generally had 2 or 3 songs simultaneously, as well as the harming or what if accident thoughts. I went to the hospital several times due to the severity. I tried many different meds, and they have succeeded in controlling some of my other symptoms but the ones for those particular symptoms I haven't been able to tolerate due to heart reactions.

Mindfulness practice is what really helped me. Learning to focus on one thing at a time, only walking or only listening. Allowing yourself to notice the thought intruding, but not fight it - allow it to float along like a cloud and keep bringing yourself back to what you are focusing on. One good way to get it in everyday is to practice while brushing your teeth.

Many hugs

This is very insightful. Sounds like you've come a long way. I've always felt bad for my DH like there was just nothing I could do to help

[journeymom]

(((((Jen))))) You sound like you're in such pain. These intrusive thoughts are sooooo common. You are not alone. I also experience them.

I am afraid that my therapist might have to mention my thoughts of hurting others to someone and that I might lose my kids.

Please be assured that your therapist knows the difference between these obnoxious thoughts that impulsively push their way into our heads, and the kind of patterns and behaviors that lead to violent or 'bad' actions.

I hope the medication begins to help you. If it doesn't then go back and try something else. Keep trying.

Mindfulness practice is what really helped me. Learning to focus on one thing at a time, only walking or only listening. Allowing yourself to notice the thought intruding, but not fight it - allow it to float along like a cloud and keep bringing yourself back to what you are focusing on. One good way to get it in everyday is to practice while brushing your teeth.

Heather has it right on here. Medication helped calm the storm that no amount of mindfulness was going help. But once I felt got that horrible, painful storm under control I could learn to acknowledge and accept all my thoughts calmly.

Just observe the thoughts. Don't worry, this isn't the same as condoning them. You can acknowledge these thoughts safely without them taking over.

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