Did anyone not hide the news of their pregnancy?

[BarefootScientist]

I just found out I'm pregnant yesterday. Only my DH knows so far. I want to tell my DS now and then other people as it comes up. Not really hide it at all. Announce it on facebook after the important people know, etc. I have never understood why I need to wait. But I've never had a loss either so maybe someone who has can explain it to me? Why couldn't I just tell people I miscarried? It's not like miscarriages are uncommon, or my fault...why do they have to be hidden?

My DH is more of the mindset that "isn't it customary to wait until the first trimester is over because that's when there's a higher chance of things to go wrong?" He even asked, in relation to telling our son, "When is it customary to do that?" I was like, "Customary? I don't get it?"

So...am I just being dense? Is there anyone else out there who didn't keep the news private for more than a couple days to get used to the idea? I feel like I can't even call my mom because WTH would I say when she asked me what's new?

[WifeofAnt]

Pssh, I didn't even wait a few hours. I was 3 weeks 3 days, calling family, and posting pictures of my pregnancy tests on facebook. Of course there's always the chance that something can 'go wrong' but there's always that chance. During pregnancy the risk of losing the baby never disappears completely (even though we'd like it to) and then the SIDS ball gets thrown in. I've had relatives not tell ANYONE, even their own children, until days before the birth.
Personally I couldn't lie to my family. If I couldn't tell them I was pregnant because then I might have to tell them I miscarried they're going to feel hurt when I explain my 2nd/3rd/4th BFP as 'not the first time I've been pregnant'.

[MaerynPearl]

With my first i told everyone right away.

When I lost it at 13 weeks, I learned why people don't. Because people brought it up constantly, reminding me about it. Which made the depression it caused get even worse.

That isn't to say that you shouldn't. Its your choice... some people find it more comforting that people know about the loss. So its really more on how you are.

Personally, I just couldn't bear to go through that again.

[Aliy]

i never wait. I can't wait when I have big new I want to shout it from the roof tops.

I also like having the comfort of other grieving with me. griveing the loss of a baby is not something someone should do alone

[annettemarie]

I didn't wait, mostly because we had two miscarriages the year before and we wanted the prayer, love, and support of our friends and loved ones.

[MyFullHouse]

We've done early announcements and second trimester announcements. We've also lost a pregnancy after making the announcement, and lost one before making the announcement.

Personally, I found private grief to be easier to handle than public grief. But I'm an extremely private person who isn't at all comfortable with receiving sympathy. And, frankly, most of the people around me aren't very good at giving it, anyway!

I think it comes down to individual personality and comfort levels.

I am very cautious about sharing with children, though. My kids have never had to share in my losses, but I've watched friends' children struggle with a grief that's very hard for them to wrap their heads around.

[Lucy&Jude'sMama]

With my first I didn't wait and I miscarried. It really sucked... I mean really really sucked. I hated pretty much everyone that reminded me and since I'd told everyone that was a lot of people. So the second time I waited until I was past 8 weeks before saying anything... I told my partner and best friend the day I found out, my family around 8 weeks, and then the rest of the world after I heard the heartbeat at around 12 weeks.

I was pregnant with my 2nd and since I thought I surely wouldn't miscarry a second time... I told my family and close friends right away... Sadly I miscarried again. Ugh. It wasn't as painful that time because not as many people knew so I was able to grieve in peace and with out hearing people say over and over again "its probably for the best".. Etc.

This time around I waited until I was about 10 weeks before telling anyone except my closest friends and my mom.

So bottom line I don't think there is a right or wrong time to tell people. It's completely up to you and what your comfortable with. In my personal experience i prefer to wait.

[Sihaya]

With my first pg, I just felt comfortable waiting until chance of miscarriage was less. I followed my instincts. With my second pg, I had no personal or family history of m/c and my experience with my son had been so perfect and textbook that we told everyone at six weeks. We waited 2+ weeks after finding out so we could fudge our due date because I wanted space to be able to go overdue without being harassed for it.

Then I miscarried that second pg and was completely blindsided by the reactions and judgment we received. The last thing I needed to hear was that God only wanted me to have perfect children so that baby must have been less than perfect and God "took care of it." Not to mention the family members who contacted me within days of my loss to tell me how hard it was for them to cope with my loss. I got some good support from certain circles of friend, and that was very helpful, but the fact that it had been public knowledge was not a positive thing for me overall.

So, I decided to "hide" my next pregnancy which also ended in miscarriage. I didn't want to hear judgment about if I should have tried again so soon or be asked whether I've tried this or that or gotten this test or that one or which doctor I was seeing. Nothing at all kept me from telling people about the pregnancy and/or loss after the fact if/when I needed support. At that point, I was able to be a gatekeeper of who knew what when to keep the judgmental and insensitive comments to a minimum. That miscarriage was physically harder than the first, but despite that, being given the space to grieve without judgment made it much easier to get through emotionally.

Tell whenever you feel comfortable, by all means. I just wanted you to hear a perspective I wish I heard before my second pregnancy. I had only heard "you'll need the support if you do miscarry." I never thought about whether my particular group of family and friends would be able or likely to give that support.

[elonwy]

I haven't told anyone past "tier one" (well, except for everyone in my carpool, and at school) because other people are more stressed about it than I am. My boss doesn't want me to tell everyone at work yet cause people will start freaking out about me being gone. They freak out when I take a three day weekend, so he definitely has a point. I want to tell everyone though.

[MammaG]

I sort of tried to wait a bit with the first one because I felt I was 'supposed to'. Told whomever crossed my path first with all the others. I lost one, too. I deal with stuff by talking about it, though, so for me it was a comfort to be able to talk about the miscarriage with lots of people. After that experience, I was even more quick to tell people when we got pregnant again....I knew I wanted people sending us happy, healthy baby thoughts and I knew I'd need even more support if it ended badly again.

[Limabean1975]

I told right away with both pregnancies. But I do know that my sister waited until 12 weeks on her 4th pregnancy - one healthy baby, then two miscarriages. Her and her DH did not even talk about it with each other (though of course he knew)...they couldn't bear going through it all again - everyone else's hopes for them, their own hopes, etc. Not that it would have been any less devastating to lose that one (who is now a robust healthy one year old!), but just the whole process, they didn't want to go through exactly the same ups and downs again.

[DanielleT]

I lost twins at 12 weeks and lots of people knew i was pregnant from about 6 weeks and i was glad some people knew cause i needed help with older children as i was hospitalized and nearly lost my own life so it was good to have support but everytime someone says "I'm sorry" or "how are you doing" you have to re-live the experience and it was VERY traumatic for me, lossing two babies and almost my own life...
This time i let people know as it came up but i didn't offer any info to anyone(except my dh)...i'm 15w and there's still family members who don't know...
to each their own descretion, however i'm finding it safer to stay under the radar alittle longer "just in case"

[meander]

In my first pregnancy, I was planning to wait until 12 weeks to tell anyone. Then, when I miscarried at 8 weeks, I found myself very alone and learned that DH and I just don't grieve in ways recognizable to each other...and I really needed support that I couldn't get from him, but then couldn't bring myself to ask for from people who'd never had a chance to share the good news before the bad.
So this time, we've told all our family and a very few of our close friends--just the people who can be relied upon to be sensitive and supportive should there be a problem. I feel much more secure and grounded, somehow, just knowing there're a whole bunch of people rooting for this baby.

[karen1968]

#1 - we were going to announce it at our (small) wedding, when I would have been ~9 weeks. I miscarried the Monday before the wedding. We ended up telling immediate family so they'd understand if we didn't seem completely ecstatic at getting married.

#2 - we waited until we'd seen a heartbeat on early ultrasound. Pregnancy went great (until the end - pre-e)

#3 - we told most people at around 8 weeks, even DS (not quite 3 at the time). we hadn't had an ultrasound so were just assuming all was OK. I started spotting at 10+ weeks, and ultrasound showed baby had died ~7w3d. Most people were supportive. What I found hard that time was explaining to DS over and over why the baby died. That was nearly a year ago and he sometimes still brings it up.

#4 - we again waited until we had a heartbeat on u/s. I was just to nervous at that point to deal with everyone else's pressures. So far, so good (31 weeks).

If I had to do it again, I would hold off on telling DS and anyone not esp. close. I ran into an acquaintance just before pregnancy #4, when I would have been 6 months from pg #3. The first question out of her mouth was, "Do you know if it's a boy or a girl?". It brought all the grief right back to the surface.

As someone else said, when and who to tell is very personal. But at least now you know some reasons why people might not tell. At least not right away.

[CherryBomb]

I've had two losses, and I don't wait. My first was ectopic and I didn't even know I was pregnant, my second was at 16 weeks, well after when people who wait usually tell (seems that people who wait usually tell after they hear the hb around 12 weeks, which we had, and we had had an u/s at 8 weeks). So with this pregnancy I did wait to get my first few hcg results, but that was just a few days. We're Catholic and many of our friends are and so share our beliefs about life, and it's very comforting for me to have people acknowledging that we lost *babies* and not "pregnancies" praying for us, having Masses said, etc. My mom has a Catholic friend who even visits our son's memorial spot when she's in that cemetary (Catholic cemetary) which I think is really sweet.

So if you don't feel like you need to wait and you would be open about miscarrying, anyway, I don't see any reason to wait. And congratulations!

[danilouwho]

It's really just a personal choice, no right or wrong.

With my first pregnancy, we told everyone about a week after we found out, and I did wait until 10 weeks before making the online/facebook/blog annoucements but pretty much everyone knew.

Anyways, I miscarried at 11 weeks.

I was glad to have the support, and I made sure to speak to who I wanted to, see who I wanted to and avoid who I didn't in the weeks after. Of course, I got the insensitive, crazy comments on facebook, or from well meaning family/friends... but people do that and I tried to just spend five minutes getting upset about it and then let it go.

Now that I am pregnant again, my husband would like to wait to tell until we hear a heartbeat. I agree with him, though it has been hard not to tell, and we have told a few very important people in our lives but they've all been great and understanding, and are NOT talking. Thank goodness.

I don't know why it matters so much to us. If I lost this pregnancy I would still want the support and caring, even with the crazy comments, I got a lot of great support. BUT, I just feel.... gun shy right now. I just want to enjoy this pregnancy right now, enjoy this baby, and get through these early parts. I am already nervous enough... and trying not to feel stressed about it. There's just a WHOLE crazy batch of emotions that has come with this, and right now, hubby and I just need the space and time to let this baby grow and feel calm.

If any of that makes any sense, lol.

[BarefootScientist]

Thanks everyone for sharing your thoughts. Keep 'em coming!

I think telling DS is a moot point now. He came up to me today with his stethoscope and said, "I am the doctor. You are pregnant. Here, let me check on the baby that is growing inside you." Then after he was done checking me, he started making a "crib and a mobile for the baby."

We were talking about it a little last night around him, but not in ways (I thought) he could figure out. So I have no idea how he knows, but he does. DH kept accusing me of telling him. I didn't I swear...

[zuleicamoon]

Isn't it amazing how kids pick up on things?

We don't tell family because they are usually rude about it, walking out of the room without saying anything, recommending forms of birth control, etc. If there is a loss, they tend to say things like "well, you got out of that bind easy" and "don't let it happen again." And, like a pp, I am very private in general and prefer to process things, good or bad, on my own.

[Arianwen]

I told select close friends (that have three kids together) and a few women I know, plus my now-DH and some of my classmates (I needed moral support as my now-DH was 1500 miles away!)

Other than that, I mostly kept my trap shut as I had some minor spotting in week 5, plus I didn't know if my son would have defects etc (still not 100% on that, only had anatomy ultrasound scan which seems to have been "normal.) I partially didn't tell everyone as I tend to be a private person and don't like to tell everyone every dang thing in my life, does that make sense?

I'm dreading when some stranger tries to touch my belly...

[lyterae]

We told dd about a half hour after I took the test, and then started making phone calls.. We called a couple of close friends, my parents, his parents, and the grandparents. At 7 weeks I announced it to my immediate co-workers (needed help covering things due to morning sickness) and announced it on facebook (the rest of our friends and family).

I should mention that DH was ready to tell EVERYONE - coworkers and all as soon as the test came back positive.

We wanted to make sure we told DD first and that basically meant we would be okay with everyone else finding out.