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post #21 of 33
9/25/10 at 11:13am
My ex-H cheated on me, as well. I am so sorry, because I absolutely know the incredible hurt and anger you are probably feeling. You WILL be okay though. I'm sure it feels like you're going through hell, and especially to have this going on while dealing with health issues with a child. I cannot imagine how hard that must be. I've been away from my ex-H for nearly two years and my life has improved so dramatically...allow yourself to grieve, but keep looking forward. Sending you much love and strength.

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post #22 of 33
9/25/10 at 3:00pm
Hugs and empathy to you and your children! Personally I would kick him out, get an attorney and file a status quo order as well as get temporary child support in order.
I know your in shock right now but you need to gather your strength and be proactive for yourself and your children. You can do this. You will be a stronger woman when you get through this!
post #23 of 33
9/25/10 at 3:28pm
I'm sorry that you and your kids are going through so much at once. I'm glad it sounds like your parents are there for you - and that you are not putting up with his behavior.

On a practical level, you can file for child support - even though he puts his filth before family life, your stbx still needs to contribute to his children's support. You may also be entitled to maintenance (alimony) since you've been caring for the children while he (presumably) has been building his career.
post #24 of 33
9/25/10 at 3:30pm
Oh, and make sure you have your stbx be responsible for your children's medical expenses as well (this can be part of the divorce agreement, especially if he's been providing their health insurance through his job).
post #25 of 33
9/25/10 at 4:23pm
I'm so sorry. My husband did this as well. Not as bad but he put himself out there. He claims he never hooked up but who knows. Anyway, we were able to reconcile. The only reason why we did is because I know that as a person he isn't a serial cheater. And honestly our marriage wasn't doing that great either. If I didn't have a toddler, maybe I would have done the same. (well no I wouldn't have but I certainly had needs that were not getting met as well). So on the one hand I wasn't surprised that this is where things had ended up and on the other hand I was shocked that he would actually do something like that because it seems very out of character for him. He claims he just needed someone to talk to. I know it sounds ridiculous. But if i were to look at our relationship leading up to this, I would have seen that I wasn't that available to him. I am not blaming myself but I was able to take MY responsibility for where I dropped the ball in the relationship. I am not by any means saying that you are to blame in this either just so you know. It's just my way of how I interact with my life. Whatever is happening around me, I take it inward and see how I am contributing to it, allowing it, or attracting it.. I can't imagine the stress of a sick child and what that can do to a relationship either. Do you feel like your relationship was good up to this point? People deal with stress in interesting and sometimes destructive ways. Perhaps this was your DH's way of funneling his stress (a selfish one at that).

It has been a challenging journey to build trust again but I will say our marriage is transformed. I still interrogate him at times when he is on his computer and i am feeling insecure and he is really open and honest with me as far as what he is doing on there and shows me. If he ever got defensive about it I would definitely tune into that and take that as a red flag. Of course my radar is now heightened to his every move and I pay close attention to if he is being congruent between what he is saying and what he is doing. Anyway, I don't know if your DH is remorseful or if he feels justified in his acts. And I don't know if this is a partnership that you want to fight for. but in the end, you both have to WANT to make changes and you both have work every day towards rebuilding....if that's what you want. If you feel like it is over, then i know you can rebuild a wonderful life for you and your family. You are worth it. Take it one day at a time. This is an opportunity for you to shine in ways you never thought you could. So don't be afraid to go into the dark, shed some light, and be shiny. You can do this.

HUGS
post #26 of 33
9/25/10 at 10:50pm
Oh, mama!!! I also recently found out my now ex cheated on me, but our situation is completely different so I honestly wasn't very surprised. That said, I feel your pain completely. It hurts so very much. Just know that you WILL feel better in time, even if it takes a long time to get there. Feel free to post here if you need advice or sympathy or just somewhere to vent.
post #27 of 33
9/26/10 at 2:02am
Quote:
Originally Posted by smeep View Post
Oh, mama!!! I also recently found out my now ex cheated on me, but our situation is completely different so I honestly wasn't very surprised. That said, I feel your pain completely. It hurts so very much. Just know that you WILL feel better in time, even if it takes a long time to get there. Feel free to post here if you need advice or sympathy or just somewhere to vent.
This. I'm sorry you are going through this, but you will be okay. Stay strong!
post #28 of 33
9/26/10 at 11:17pm


My husband did this too. For years I found all kinds of sick perverted sex meet up sights on his computer. Local skanky girls. pay to play girls. group stuff. Who knows what all he did. I found out one morning he had been sleeping with another woman for 5 years. I know the affair started when I was pregnant with my dd at least a year earlier. I heard a message on his phone. I ended up going into preterm labor that morning and he left me in the hospital alone most likely to return her phone call. Thank goodness the baby stayed in for five more weeks. But it was heart breaking when I found out he was actually having sex with another woman. In the years between finding out about the woman and finding out they were actually having sex every time I turned my freaking back I just about let him drive me crazy. Its been about 9 years and they are still together. crazy. He was doing all the pervy sex stuff while being married to me and sleeping with her. gross. gross. gross.

GET YOURSELF TESTED!!! Just assume he was sleeping with them. I am shocked at what some guys are capable of. I thought my xh would never be capable of actual sex. Soooo wrong.

As for everything else....You CAN do this. you WILL be ok. Just take it one breath, one step, one day at a time.

I am so so so sorry you are going through all this. I wish you were my friend, my neighbor. I would love to be able to help you in some tangible way.
post #29 of 33
9/26/10 at 11:27pm
Saw this in new posts:

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Sending you strength, mama.
post #30 of 33
9/27/10 at 12:03am
in my state, you can file for temporary exclusive use of the home, and temporary child support and maintenance. do it now! keeping things as normal as possible is in the best interests of children, but especially an ill child. too much stress raises the cortisol level and interferes with healing. no judge would give him use of the home under these circumstances. ask that he pay the mortgage and all the bills as support and maintenance- got that much, easily, in mediation, and my dh makes very little money. if he makes good money you can ask for cash on top of that for food. i don't think you really need to move in with your parents. document all his nasty behavior. have a lawyer draw up the papers. tell your h you are kicking him out, give him a week or whatever to get out, and visit your parents for that week. remind him that he will set a very, very bad precedent in front of the judge (who is basically going to decide his whole future) if he doesn't comply with your requests. refusing to get out and making life harder for a kid that sick does not sit well with many judges. and if by the luck of the draw you get an anti-porn, pro-mother judge, well then his refusal would be your golden egg. the temporary order buys you time to plan, but it could probably be extended due to the circumstances (ill child).
post #31 of 33
10/8/10 at 3:50pm
Thread Starter 

Edited by Chakra - 1/10/11 at 10:21pm
post #32 of 33
10/8/10 at 7:07pm
Regardless of his protestations of no contact with anyone, you should insist that both of you be tested for all STDs before you resume anything with him without condoms. Don't be a fool, all men say they never touched her the first six or seven conversations.
post #33 of 33
10/9/10 at 1:53pm
Thread Starter 

Edited by Chakra - 1/10/11 at 10:21pm

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