I feel judged

[dakotablue]

Why is it that it always seems to be the most opened minded people that judge me?
I'm talking about the people who are ok with gay marriage and polygamy and then they turn and are offended why I say I'd never cheat on my Dh and plan on never getting a divorce.
People who fight for womens rights and then act like I'm horrible for having my degree and 'wasting my life' being a SAHM.
Then those who support freedom to believe what ever you want, but are offended I'm a Christian.

I feel so under attack lately. It seems everyone I meet talks to me Seems pleased with my intelligence, knowledge, awareness of certain issues and then Bam! I'm a leper for doing something they are 'open minded' about but only if you chose the non traditional route.

Anyone else? Why is this? I don't get it... Why can't I have politic views, religious views, ect... if they oppose others? Especially when it seems to only be from people who claim to be open?

I just don't know where I fit....

[FrugalGranolaMom]

I don't really have any advice for you other than just be true to who you are regardless of what other may think. I have often encountered people just as you are describing (occasionally in my own family) and I try not to take it personally. Something I have discovered along the way is just because someone may be open minded about a specific non traditional issue (i.e. gay marriage) does not mean they are truly open minded.

[mamallama]

Recently I read an essay titled "What You Can't Say."

Here's what I think I probably shouldn't say : In this day and age, people are very, very fond of using the term or the concept of "open minded" to mean something entirely different from what it means at face value. "Open minded" is a phrase I don't use to describe myself, because I think that most of the time when people use it, they are actually describing a specific set of moral beliefs. While I am actually ok, fine with, even a champion of some of those beliefs, I don't want to align myself with that camp because I don't want to limit myself to the parameters they place on "open mindedness."

As far as where you fit, I don't know what to say, except that the problem is not with you, mama. You sound fabulous

[mamallama]

In thinking more about being "open minded" I remembered a conversation I had with a friend's grandfather when I was in my early 20's. He was a crusty old navy seal. Korean war vet. I talked with him often. Most of the time we disagreed, but occasionally he came out with some real gems. I really liked him.

Once he said to me "the problem with you is that you're so open minded your d@mn brain fell out." At the time, I was really angry that he would dismiss my opinion so curtly. It had a ring of truth, though, and years later I still remember that moment.

[ssh]

Open minded people can accept people who are different from them. The term 'open minded' has become too popular and people use it without knowing it really means being open to ideas and world views different from your own. Have you actually told one of these people that they aren't really open to ideas other than their own, and just have a different set of prejudices?

In some circles 'non-traditional' is the expected norm. People who are prejudiced against people who aren't like their own accepted norm aren't 'open minded' or tolerant. They are just deceiving their self. Maybe you should confront some of these self satisfied people about their prejudice against lifestyles and world views different than their own. Maybe even a simple "How can you be prejudiced and intolerant of my lifestyle choices and also believe in the value of diversity and the right of individuals to believe what ever they want?"

[peainthepod]

I agree that "open-minded", like "tolerant", has come to describe a specific set of beliefs that may have nothing to do with either open-mindedness or tolerance of deviation from mainstream popular opinion.

I also believe that traditional (religious--especially Christian, being a SAHM, homesteading, having a large family) has become so unusual and weird that it's almost like the new punk. Which encourages me a bit, actually, because I find myself thinking more and more these days that common sense is neither.

Hang in there. It can be lonely at times but you're not alone, mama.

[Hykue]

I'm with you on not understanding this brand of open-mindedness. I am ok with gay marriage and polygamy, and also with monogamy and singlehood (or whatever you call it). I think people should have the right to choose their life path - isn't that the intent of "pursuit of happiness"? If some woman herself feels that she is wasting her degree by being a SAHM, then she should do what seems right for her, but that doesn't mean she gets to choose what seems right for other people. That's just as unfair as women being paid less than men for equal work.

When we come to the Christian bit, I think I might start to understand where people are coming from with these attitudes, just maybe. I'm not Christian, although I was at one time. I'm pretty firmly agnostic. I have felt judged by Christians fairly strongly and multiple times in my life. I think what happens (with this, and perhaps with other issues you mention) is that people are expecting to be judged, so they jump right in with a preemptive first strike. Of course, it's not fair to you that they do that. I just want to make it clear, I've been NOT judged for my beliefs by way more Christians that I've been judged by, and I try to take people on face value. I can't resist saying this, because I think it's funny (and because it's true), some of my best friends are Christians. But from my experiences feeling judged by Christians, and thereafter having to intentionally choose not to prejudge the next obvious Christian I meet, I think it must be a preemptive first strike thing.

Probably that's true for a lot of the issues you brought up - people in polygamous relationships are likely feeling a little bit beleaguered by popular opinion, like they are outnumbered and judged by us monogamists. So they feel like they should dismiss your opinion before you can hurt them by judging them. Again, not fair, but perhaps at least understandable.

And maybe it just has something to do with our love for underdogs. To use a bit of an odd example, when my two goats are fighting I feel bad for the smaller one who isn't as good of a fighter. When people see a lion take down a gazelle, they feel bad for the gazelle - when the gazelle gets away they feel relieved, not bad for the lion. I don't know why we have this tendency, but I've observed it in myself and others over and over again. So if the perceived cultural majority is monogamous, people feel the need to champion the polygamous. If the prevailing cultural wind is (or in this case has been for hundreds of years) Christian, people feel the need to champion the rights of the . . . I dunno, atheists, I guess? It fits with our apparent nature, but it must be lonely to be truly open-minded and in the majority. I try to be truly open-minded, but I really don't usually seem to find myself in the majority categories. Anyway, I just went into a big sociological discussion, when what you really were looking for was probably just this last bit.

I also end up feeling like I don't fit a lot of the time. I was too weird hippy to fit in properly in University (though I did just fine anyway), I was too academic to fit in with weird hippies (though I'm friends with many anyway), I'm too conformist to fit in with "non-conformists" who always just seem to be going against the grain just to be ornery, but too non-conformist to fit in with the herd, who seem to do things without questioning. So I totally sympathize. To be honest, I'm starting to think that that's kind of how everyone feels. I think maybe that's the big secret that can make it all a tiny bit easier - everyone feels like they don't fit in, like they say the wrong thing, like people think poorly of them sometimes. Don't sweat it. I think you sound nice. And like you need a hug.

And I think everyone has their own little area of intolerance . . . if I'm honest, I'm afraid of businessmen. In their crisply cut suits, with their briefcases, and their clean-shaven faces and their short hair . . . I just don't trust them. It's completely irrational and unfair, I know. I imagine they have much the same proportions of nice to mean, clever to dull, etc, etc, as any other group. In fact, I imagine many of you are waiting for me to admit that I'm joking, but I'm not. It's strange, it's unexplainable, and it's a little bit shameful, but I'm prejudiced . . . against businessmen.

[CherryBomb]

Originally Posted by ssh

People who are prejudiced against people who aren't like their own accepted norm aren't 'open minded' or tolerant. They are just deceiving their self.

Yes, this. The retort is usually "I don't have to tolerate intolerance!" but of course, that's ridiculous, and it assumes that by virtue of holding an opinion different than your own, the other person is "intolerant."

So yeah, I know what you mean. It doesn't bother me anymore, honestly. Those people aren't people I'm interested in being friends with, anyway. My experience is that they're usually very angry, hateful people (sadly my brother is like this) I don't market myself as "open-minded" because I'm not, at least not in the way people usually mean. I have strong beliefs about morality and right and wrong. I do try to be TOLERANT, though. If people want my opinion on gay marriage or liberalism or whatever, I'll give it to them honestly, but that doesn't mean I want to try to "force" people into my line of thinking. I'm a pretty big believer in the idea of "live and let live." You believe what you want and live how you want and that's fine, just let me do the same.

[CherryBomb]

I also believe that traditional (religious--especially Christian, being a SAHM, homesteading, having a large family) has become so unusual and weird that it's almost like the new punk. Which encourages me a bit, actually, because I find myself thinking more and more these days that common sense is neither.

This is so true! And I say that as a tattooed former punk rocker

[SubliminalDarkness]

Isn't it somewhat the same as the "feminist" idea? How some women will call themselves a feminist, but then look down on a woman who decides to place her family obligations as a top priority? I thought feminism was about supporting women's right to choose how they live their life but to not deny them options.

Granted, I don't define myself as a feminist, but that's how I understood it.

[AtYourCervices]

We all consider ourselves authors of our own life story. We choose the setting, and we choose the characters we wish to have a bigger impact. Sometimes a new character is introduced, and we get excited about the storyline possibilities. We want the new character to play a big role in our story. See, the "open minded" author feels they're open minded because they're writing a story that they think has never been written.

But then the character doesn't unfold the way we'd like. It's just not how we pictured the character to be. It doesn't make sense in our minds. Or, we think the character is becoming too much like the other stories that we have become frustrated with. We feel like we are betraying our target audience.

So, we fight against it. We try to change the character but that never works. It just turns the whole story into a drama (or in some instances a thriller/murder mystery ). The narrator expresses the author's displeasure in an effort to either mold the character or push the offending character out of their story.

We think we're the author of our own life story. We think we can change it. But a great author lets the story write itself.

[IntuitiveJamie]

I find that no matter how 'open minded' someone is, everyone still has their own truths and limitations that come with that truth. And so you find someone that you assume must be open on all counts because you think you are; but you run into the box they live in unexpectedly. I would bet that you have your own safe box regarding something. I would say, after years of experiencing this myself, realize that it is not about you and don't take it personally. Everyone is living out their truth's. And people are like snowflakes..there really are no two alike. I still have not found anyone, including my BFF of 22 years that thinks just like I do. I know now I never will. I have lost the expectation or even the need to find someone that thinks just like me on everything. So I keep on expressing myself and my truths and I allow others to do the same. And when I come across someone that is very loud and clear about their truth, I know not to take it personally and instead to say, "thank you for speaking your truth. It is interesting and I appreciate YOUR insight into life"
Taking things personally is a selfish act. It implies that everything is about you. When really very little is about each of us individually. Does that make sense? (I do not say that to be ugly in any way) That is a belief I have cultivated for myself and I try live everyday. I can still get my feelings hurt sometimes. But then I remember; it's not about me. That person is living their truth, not mine.

[FloridaBorn]

Originally Posted by dakotablue

Why is it that it always seems to be the most opened minded people that judge me?
I'm talking about the people who are ok with gay marriage and polygamy and then they turn and are offended why I say I'd never cheat on my Dh and plan on never getting a divorce.
People who fight for womens rights and then act like I'm horrible for having my degree and 'wasting my life' being a SAHM.
Then those who support freedom to believe what ever you want, but are offended I'm a Christian.

If you add feeling pride in your heritage to that list you'll be labeled a racist as well. I have been in your shoes before. Just remember this too shall pass.

[Catherine12]

I think the best thing to do in this scenario is to say what you've just said above - I think a lot of people would be able to see the reason in your arguments and examine their own thinking.

When I was a kid/teenager, I actually was one of those people who thought SAHMing was an anti-feminist choice. Guess what? I'm now a SAHM myself. I still consider myself a feminist, but to me feminism is about giving women more choices and opportunities - which includes the choice of doing the "traditional" thing if that's what works for you. Now I'm kind of embarrassed to think of some of the snotty comments I made as a teenager (in my defense, I was a teenager).

But my point is, people can change their attitudes. Especially if you take it to them in terms they value - i.e., appeal to their sense of personal freedom and choice in general, rather than defending your specific choice.

[kissum]

You know, I think a lot of people just aren't as open-minded as they think they are. I'm not. I always thought I was, but I was talking to someone about gay marriage, and I realized that I just flat out think they're wrong. I believed I was open minded because I support gay rights, and I just plain DON'T see the other side. As far as I'm concerned, believing a marriage can only be a man and a woman is WRONG.

Liberal doesn't equal open minded, and being tolerant of one thing doesn't make you tolerant of another.

That said, I'm sorry you're feeling judged.
It's not fun. But just know that YOU accept who you are and that's all that matters.

[doubledutch]

if someone identifies herself to me as a christian sahm who would never divorce, i would not "judge" her, as in, think she is someone i wouldn't like or don't want to hang out with. however, i might think, "hmm, maybe i won't really relate to this person very well," or feel judged myself as a non-christian wohm who is divorced and is currently in the process of getting divorced for a second time. kwim?

i have happily married, christian, sahm friends. i'm just saying, if i'm just getting to know someone and they put it forth that those are dearly held values of theirs, i can respect that and probably like the person, but not necessarily pursue a friendship, because i would just think, "okay, we're quite different people, this person probably really doesn't get my life."

[Linda on the move]

two thoughts:

my parents are super judgmental and for a long time I felt judgment coming from every where, all the time. Some of it was just in my head because I was projecting.

second, I think we tend to get back what we put out, so if you really are getting a lot of judgment aimed at you, think through what you are sending out. For example:

Originally Posted by dakotablue

they turn and are offended why I say I'd never cheat on my Dh and plan on never getting a divorce.

most people start out like this. Some people make huge mistakes, and some people have a spouse who changes into a different person. My advice would be to be grateful for your relationship and nurture it, but to treat other people's lives exactly the way Jesus treated the woman at the well.

Then those who support freedom to believe what ever you want, but are offended I'm a Christian.

There are some Christians in our culture who are VERY judgmental and very loud. They may think you are one of them. I don't think it's fair to expect other people to be any more open to your views than you are to theirs, and since you are in a group that has a reputation for not being open, you have a bit of an uphill battle. None the less, if you are an open person who treats others with respect, they will come to know that.

In your post you come across like you feel you have the answers and are doing everything right. Other people got different questions, or found different answers to the same questions, or are still hunting around trying to figure out which answers work for them. No matter where we are on our journey, every human is sacred and worthy of respect.