4yo destructive w/ toys and rough - now banned at neighbors, help - Page 2

[NiteNicole]

Is he getting enough sleep? Are you?

Things that have helped me to stay calm (b/c as you can probably tell. Your own behaviour inpacts his).

1 - Getting 1-1.5 hours a day alone at the gym (my kids go to the childcare there).
2 - Getting at least 7 hours sleep a night.
3 - I took a very p/t job to have my own 'thing'.
4 - I try to get out with friends at least once a month.

Things that have helped DS' behavior (he's also 4).
1 - Him getting 12 hours sleep a night.
2 - Preschool
3 - Consistent consquences. I know some people here balk at consequences but I am a big fan. You are rough with a toy. It's gone until the next day. No warnings. At 4 I don't think a warning should be necessary.
4 - Structure in the day including enough physical play. I need him TIRED at night so that he can get those 12 hours sleep.
5 - Praise and responsibility.

All this needs repeating. Getting enough sleep, enough exercise, and cutting the junk out of our diet resets our whole family and everyone is happier and easier to get along with. I don't mean any hardcore diet changes or running marathons, but plenty of sleep, time outside to run around, and cutting WAY back on sugar and processed junk makes us a whole different family. I find I don't end up in so many of those "ok, now what" situations because they just stop happening.

[lonegirl]

Originally Posted by Ophelia

Well, I got laid off from an extremely stressful job in April, and even though I am home now, I still have lots to do and try to get the majority done on the 4 weekdays I don't have DS at home. When I mentioned schedule, that is basically for nighttime and wakeup time (wakeup time is 7am or shortly after). There are certain weeknights we do things like go to library and a playgroup.

Yes, he has quite a few toys, games and other things to do, not really Legos but some bigger lego type blocks and other things he can put together. He will easily play by himself and I will play games and stuff with him also.

Is this due to his school? Perhaps the fact that you have to wake him each day he is not getting enough sleep. My son (4 in Nov) gets only about 8-10h sleep but I let him wake naturally. Some mornings he is up with me before 8 and others (days I leave for work before 7) he sleeps in with daddy until 9/10ish. I find days I have to wake him for whatever reason, he has a rougher day.

[IdentityCrisisMama]

Oh, I thought of one more great point from the book/program TCC (Taking Children Seriously). My teacher was quite instant on this idea that you should always address each incident as an isolated event. This was a sticking point with me because I had trouble with the idea that the most irritating thing about a behavior sometimes is that it.keeps.happening. Nevertheless, this teacher made the good point that it is a lot easer for a child (or anyone for that matter) to imagine changing a single behavior rather than a whole series of behaviors. When I can fit this into my issues (and this works well for DC AND DH) I can attest to it being very effective.

[journeymom]

Originally Posted by Ophelia

I did read Playful Parenting a while back, it was great but I have a really hard time applying what I read.

I completely sympathize. This is so difficult and frustrating. I went through mounds of parenting books that were full of wonderful ideas. Nothing helped until I was able to get my own 'thing' better under control.

Have you checked out the Moms with ADHD thread? (I'm looking for it...)

Found it! http://www.mothering.com/discussions...highlight=adhd

My SIL has three wild little boys. She says getting a trampoline was really helpful. I've seen them in action and they LOVE the trampoline.

http://www.toysrus.com/search/index....S/2254197&sr=1

Were it me, I would buy the baseball stand but DS would pay me back by doing chores at a standard rate or by sacrificing treats until we have enough funds.

I like the idea here, but in this case, this amount of 'accounting' sounds like way too much work for an already harried, distracted Mom. And the lesson would have been lost on my four year old.

Definitely ds should be there when the basketball stand is delivered, and ds should look the neighbor in the eye and say, "I'm sorry I broke the basket ball stand."

[janasmama]

I do think that not being able to play with the other kids is the most appropriate consequence in itself. This doesn't sound to me like its a matter of finding out what to do to him for what he has done but to figure out what can be done in the future by parents to help him be more successful in his playtime.

It sounds like maybe he needs more supervision by you when he is outside playing. I have a similar neighborhood situation here with lots of kids and I can tell you that I am the mother who ends up doing most of the supervising because the other parents are too busy, pregnant, etc. and one of the children is not great to be around...it's not fun to be left being the one who has to mostly handle the situations that occur between children or even with them individually. It takes a lot of time and energy and it is something that even I have had to minimize playtime with the neighborhood kids that require a lot of my attention, as I am not mostly responsible for this although I do accept some community responsibility. I'm just noting this because you mentioned that you weren't around for several of the encounters or didn't see them happen and I'm wondering who is handling the situations. Maybe there can be more communication between the parents??

It's a bummer when we can't be type A people and we have to sacrifice something to make room for the kids in our life. For me this can sometimes be getting the dishes cleaned up. When he is outside playing, just for now you need to be out there with him and let the dishes wait. Monitoring his playtime will help you learn more about what makes this destruction happen and how you can prevent it.

My son use to burst out badly with hitting. If I was paying attention and really tuned in, not disassociating while doing dishes, then I could see his burst of madness happen and I would drop the dishes and intervene before he reached his target. He would sometimes break down and cry in my arms. Still wanting to hit but maybe even going limp. Their emotions are so strong and to teach them they can control it is a powerful gift to give them.

As for apologizing...It's fine to offer one although I don't think you should be sorry about much. Changing things is what is important. You can go over and give your replacement baseball stand and clear the air about the situation but I would still let there be some rest for the community playtime. This can help keep him around so you can learn his signals better thus gaining insight into how you can better love him.

I am also an intense person as you describe yourself. Yelling. Getting easily frustrated. Breathe mama. Breathe. I sympathize with you. People who have anxious personalities are not at fault for it but we do have to learn how to control it. Have you considered some yoga? I love it and it does wonders for me in regards to my reactions to my family.

Let us know how things are going.

[Ophelia]

No, I don't think he has ever really gotten enough sleep. I did read Sleepless In America and understand that if you have to wake them up every morning they are not getting enough sleep. I would say I have been struggling for 2 years now to try and get him to bed earlier! DH's resistance to the issue doesn't help any (which is why I have to do the majority of bedtimes), and having time management issues myself. I do get him up about 7am for school, but also on other days just to be consistent and to keep his body on a regular schedule. Usually on the weekends I will give myself about 20 minutes extra before waking him.

Well, he just had his first appt with my naturopath doc today, and one of the things she did recommend is cutting out artificial crap (which I would have done along time ago if it hadn't been for, you guessed it, DH). He doesn't get a lot of it (mostly natural treats from me) but there is enough that it is in his system regularly.

I had thought about getting him a kid's trampoline 2 years ago, I'll have to start looking for a used one.

DH took the baseball stand over to the neighbors while we were gone, before I had a chance to talk to him about us all doing it together so after I just took DS and we both apologized. The mom said 'oh, that's ok you didn't have to do that'. I would have said the same thing also, even if I was still a little miffed about it.

imagine changing a single behavior rather than a whole series of behaviors. When I can fit this into my issues (and this works well for DC AND DH) I can attest to it being very effective.

I hadn't even thought of that, I know DH loves to 'remind' DS of his past infractions and I have done so at times also ('you can't keep throwing your bike down'). Hmmmm..


Yoga, I did do about 2-3 months about a year ago...I don't think there are any prenatal yoga classes at my gym (free), the best I could do now is checkout a DVD from the library. Also, I tried signing up DS and I for parent/child yoga which I will try to do that again. That is only every other week though.

I will check out the Mom's with ADHD thread, thanks! I have went to a short amount of therapy, read books on the subject and time management, and nothing seems to change

Oh, another thing that some other mom's mentioned to me is that some kids just have that extra urge to destruct, and to give them an outlet for that. I will try doing that also, and let him know it's only OK to destruct certain things we say is OK, like if I was going to throw out a broken toy anyways. And try and find something he can take apart/put together but we already have a few things like that at home.

[Minxie]

Originally Posted by Ophelia

Oh, another thing that some other mom's mentioned to me is that some kids just have that extra urge to destruct, and to give them an outlet for that. I will try doing that also, and let him know it's only OK to destruct certain things we say is OK, like if I was going to throw out a broken toy anyways. And try and find something he can take apart/put together but we already have a few things like that at home.

If you check with your local lumber yard, they often have scrap lumber for a very cheap price. This is excellent for building and demolition.