Need advice on dealing with family's acceptance of new fiancee

[Barefoot~Baker]

Within the past year, I left my stbxh who was verbally, emotionally & physically abusive, as well as a severe drug & alcohol abuser. My family all hated him, and rightfully so!

Well, several months ago I started dating a wonderful man. He is the polar opposite of my ex. He's sweet, loving, kind, creative, great with kids, supportive, I mean I could just go on and on. My kids love him and he adores them, he even has pics of them in his wallet

Well, when we first started dating, I completely understood the concerns my family had because of my marriage being so bad. However, they are not accepting my new fiancee even though they haven't given him a chance at all. Most of them have only bothered to meet him twice at family functions, although we have invited them for dinner numerous times.

This man has done nothing but bring joy to my life and stability to my home. I am growing increasingly frustrated with my family (not all of them btw, thank God my mom is one who really likes him!).

Help?!

[Annie Mac]

It might be not so much that they dislike him, as they are concerned for you & your kids. You have recently moved from an abusive marriage into being engaged to a man you have only known for several months. If you were my sister, or daughter, or whatever, I'd have reservations regardless of how wonderful and charming said man was, especially with children in the mix. I'm sure your stbx seemed pretty fantastic in the beginning too. Not saying this guy is abusive at all, just that you haven't really had the time to get to know him. Everyone can look pretty stellar for a few months. And to be perfectly honest, I would be suspicious of a man who was so willing to step immediately into the position of step-dad, and after only a few months, carried pictures of my kids in his wallet. To me, that seems a little creepy, actually. Just my opinion on that particular bit. I don't know him, obviously, and am only going on the small picture you have painted. I can see how your family might be worried about this situation. Give them time. It's only been a few months; often these things take years.

[Mulvah]

Originally Posted by Annie Mac

It might be not so much that they dislike him, as they are concerned for you & your kids. You have recently moved from an abusive marriage into being engaged to a man you have only known for several months. If you were my sister, or daughter, or whatever, I'd have reservations regardless of how wonderful and charming said man was, especially with children in the mix. I'm sure your stbx seemed pretty fantastic in the beginning too. Not saying this guy is abusive at all, just that you haven't really had the time to get to know him. Everyone can look pretty stellar for a few months. And to be perfectly honest, I would be suspicious of a man who was so willing to step immediately into the position of step-dad, and after only a few months, carried pictures of my kids in his wallet. To me, that seems a little creepy, actually. Just my opinion on that particular bit. I don't know him, obviously, and am only going on the small picture you have painted. I can see how your family might be worried about this situation. Give them time. It's only been a few months; often these things take years.

She said everything I was thinking.

[A&A]

Originally Posted by Annie Mac

And to be perfectly honest, I would be suspicious of a man who was so willing to step immediately into the position of step-dad, and after only a few months, carried pictures of my kids in his wallet. To me, that seems a little creepy, actually.

It would totally depend on the guy and the vibe I got from him. We wouldn't say that about a woman, though. We wouldn't say it was "creepy" that she wanted a picture of the kids of her boyfriend.

Just take it slowly, BB, with this guy and with your family. If he is as wonderful as he sounds, your family will eventually realize that.

[Annie Mac]

Originally Posted by A&A

It would totally depend on the guy and the vibe I got from him. We wouldn't say that about a woman, though. We wouldn't say it was "creepy" that she wanted a picture of the kids of her boyfriend.

Just take it slowly, BB, with this guy and with your family. If he is as wonderful as he sounds, your family will eventually realize that.

No, I would say that about a woman too. I have a female Facebook acquaintance who did something similar recently. She posted pictures of her new bf's son, and her son, and labelled it "my boys." It just seems too much, too fast, either gender, and it would make me wonder about them. It's entirely possible, though, that once I got to know them, I might see traits or understand their personal history that would explain carrying the pictures. It's hard to know from one internet post. But if *I* thought it was a bit much, it's possible that the OP's family does too.

[peainthepod]

Originally Posted by Annie Mac

It might be not so much that they dislike him, as they are concerned for you & your kids. You have recently moved from an abusive marriage into being engaged to a man you have only known for several months. If you were my sister, or daughter, or whatever, I'd have reservations regardless of how wonderful and charming said man was, especially with children in the mix. I'm sure your stbx seemed pretty fantastic in the beginning too. Not saying this guy is abusive at all, just that you haven't really had the time to get to know him. Everyone can look pretty stellar for a few months. And to be perfectly honest, I would be suspicious of a man who was so willing to step immediately into the position of step-dad, and after only a few months, carried pictures of my kids in his wallet. To me, that seems a little creepy, actually. Just my opinion on that particular bit. I don't know him, obviously, and am only going on the small picture you have painted. I can see how your family might be worried about this situation. Give them time. It's only been a few months; often these things take years.

This, exactly this. Barefoot, did you ever get counseling for yourself after leaving your abusive ex? It seems awfully soon to be rushing into another engagement after recovering from such a devastating marriage and I can completely understand your family's reticence and caution here. Sometimes we fall into self-destructive patterns that we can't see while we're enmeshed in them; it's only in hindsight that we realize how we set ourselves up for the same pain over and over again.

I don't know if the pictures in the wallet are particularly creepy, but the entire situation does seem a little worrisome to me. I'm glad you've found someone who makes you happy and wish you nothing but the best, but whirlwind engagements make people nervous under the best of circumstances, you know?

[zinemama]

Originally Posted by Annie Mac

It might be not so much that they dislike him, as they are concerned for you & your kids. You have recently moved from an abusive marriage into being engaged to a man you have only known for several months. If you were my sister, or daughter, or whatever, I'd have reservations regardless of how wonderful and charming said man was, especially with children in the mix. I'm sure your stbx seemed pretty fantastic in the beginning too. Not saying this guy is abusive at all, just that you haven't really had the time to get to know him. Everyone can look pretty stellar for a few months. And to be perfectly honest, I would be suspicious of a man who was so willing to step immediately into the position of step-dad, and after only a few months, carried pictures of my kids in his wallet. To me, that seems a little creepy, actually. Just my opinion on that particular bit. I don't know him, obviously, and am only going on the small picture you have painted. I can see how your family might be worried about this situation. Give them time. It's only been a few months; often these things take years.

Exactly, especially the bolded. If you were my sister or daughter, this is exactly why I wouldn't be thrilled. Why I would be quite suspicious. Both of you for moving on so quickly to this level of intimacy with another man, and of him for getting engaged to a woman who hasn't even been away from her abusive ex for a year.

Let your family off the hook. Don't press the issue or even talk about it with them. If this guy is really so terrific, he'll still be terrific a year or two from now. At that point your family may say, "Huh, I guess things are going to be all right, after all, and welcome him in.

[midnightwriter]

Originally Posted by Annie Mac

It might be not so much that they dislike him, as they are concerned for you & your kids. You have recently moved from an abusive marriage into being engaged to a man you have only known for several months. If you were my sister, or daughter, or whatever, I'd have reservations regardless of how wonderful and charming said man was, especially with children in the mix. I'm sure your stbx seemed pretty fantastic in the beginning too. Not saying this guy is abusive at all, just that you haven't really had the time to get to know him. Everyone can look pretty stellar for a few months. And to be perfectly honest, I would be suspicious of a man who was so willing to step immediately into the position of step-dad, and after only a few months, carried pictures of my kids in his wallet. To me, that seems a little creepy, actually. Just my opinion on that particular bit. I don't know him, obviously, and am only going on the small picture you have painted. I can see how your family might be worried about this situation. Give them time. It's only been a few months; often these things take years.

Just chiming in to say I agree with the above.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by A&A

It would totally depend on the guy and the vibe I got from him. We wouldn't say that about a woman, though. We wouldn't say it was "creepy" that she wanted a picture of the kids of her boyfriend.

Just take it slowly, BB, with this guy and with your family. If he is as wonderful as he sounds, your family will eventually realize that.

I may not use the word "creepy", but I might. I would find it strange, and more than a little offputting. And, yes - I have had a very similar situation in my circle. (FWIW, she ended up being the stepmom from hell.)

[Barefoot~Baker]

I do understand what you are all saying. I am very wary and suspicious of people as well. I mean, I even did a background check when I first met him to be safe. Hearing about the pictures could sound creepy to you, but if you met him and saw how our family life is, his dynamics with the kids, etc, I am positive you would change your minds.

We are not getting married immediately, we are engaged, and my family knows this. What irks me at this point is not that they are concerned for me, because that is something I completely understand, but the fact that they form opinions and gossip about us without getting to know him ONE bit. They jump to conclusions. We have invited them over numerous times, and instead of getting to know him, they just continue to backbite.

No one comes to me about it (except for my sister), they all go complaining to my parents, and let me tell you my parents are sick of it. My fiancee and I had dinner with my parents last night and they told him that they felt for him because he is being punished for my ex's behavior. They told him that my siblings all are very stubborn and think that they are right no matter what, which is exactly how they are, this is a family with extremely strong-willed, opinionated people. I am so thankful that they are getting to know him and see the good that he is doing in my life and my kids' lives.

Well that's all I have time for now, thanks for your responses I appreciate it!

[Annie Mac]

Well, it sounds like at least your parents are on board. I'm not really sure what you can do about back biting family members except just to avoid them as much as possible...that is, if the back biting is inherent in their personalities and is not situation-dependent. If they are talking about your new situation because they are worried, then I think you are already doing the most you can by inviting them over often. However, if they just gossip for the sake of it, well...shrug.

I think time might be the only thing that fixes this. Once they see he's treating you and your children well and that your relationship is solid, it will get a lot more boring to talk about.

Good luck!

[Annie Mac]

Also, the thing about putting your parents in the middle? I think that's something they need to set their own boundaries for, and is not up to you. If they don't want their other children talking to them about your new man, they need to communicate that clearly to them. No one else can do this for them.

[Barefoot~Baker]

Originally Posted by Annie Mac

I think time might be the only thing that fixes this. Once they see he's treating you and your children well and that your relationship is solid, it will get a lot more boring to talk about.

Good luck!

Thank you, and you know what, my dad said the same thing to us last night. He told us that consistency would be the answer.

[Teenytoona]

I've never responded to your posts much, so you don't "know" me, but reading this, I thought: "already?" So your fam's on to something there. Me, I'm a big advocate of single-time esp in between marriages, and more so after an abusive one...

But I'm glad to see you're taking it slower.

[Barefoot~Baker]

Forgot to respond about counseling - yes I have been getting counseling since a couple of months before I left my ex

[Linda on the move]

Are you already living with this guy?

[SisterMother]

In 2012 any man would be aware that putting pics of other people's children in his wallet after only a few months would seem weird to most people—or even suspicious. For this reason, I'm going to assume he's a bit socially awkward and probably hasn't had a lot of girlfriends. Given that, and the fact that your family is now just recovering from the last man you brought into their lives, I can understand why they're not thrilled, particularly since this has rebound written all over it.

On the other hand, the world is filled with wonderful, loving men who are excellent husbands and fathers and still aren't liked by their in-laws. Such is the way of families.

[rainface]

*

[artekah]

Don't worry what other people think. Let them be cautious--they have every right, considering. They even have the right to be gossipy and nasty if they want. If your relationship is the real deal, it'll still be there 5 years from now, and they'll calm down. You really can't control what anyone else thinks/says/does, so just don't let it get to you!

[chel]

Don't know how to link it, but a thread in the frugal section points to op siblings being correct.

Joys of hindsight. Wish I could have yelled at some of my past posts