helping an 8yo with "fear of the stage and applause" / martial arts

[midnightwriter]

Until recently she never had to be "on stage" or in front of a group, and she simply opted out of those activities. Then at a summer camp they wanted to hand her a diploma, she went to the center of the circle, the kids started clapping, and she lost it, started crying, and ran away. Until then I didn't know it was anything serious. She is strong willed, and it seemed that she simply decided she was not going to be "on stage" and that was it. But now I'm not sure.

Now she is in aikido, and she loves it and wants to continue. Yet she say she won't be at the front for the yellow belt testing. The instructor calls them when they are ready to pass and passes everyone, and there are 3 of them at the front--so not the worst situation. She won't be singled out.

Yet she gets really anxious when I try to talk to her about it. It is a real struggle for her--wanting to be in the activity, and being anxious / fearful of a requirement.

She can't identify the fear that well. She likes to be the center of attention when it is her choice. She hates applause / singing or anything like that even on birthdays. She is not shy.

I told her that she is not forced to do the testing, like I was forced as a kid (in other sports). That it is fully her choice. But it doesn't seem to help her.

How would you approach the issue and help her through?

[midnightwriter]

nm

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[pregnant@40]

Poor girl. I have had stage fright my entire life, and even now at 40 and in grad school am structuring my class schedule so that I do not have to do public presentations. My fear of public speaking (a fear which used to include just standing in front of people, or walking across a crowded room -- I guess "social phobia") has influenced my entire life, even career choice. I also have never wanted to be in the spotlight, for it's the attention that's painful. Not sure why, but bet it's a fear of being judged.

Though your child isn't "shy" in all circumstances, what she is experiencing sounds like a type of social anxiety and shyness -- it's definitely something she can grow out of, and is normal in a lot of kids. In my case it stayed with me my whole life, but I think that's b/cs I learned to become ashamed of my feelings at an early age. Shame just magnified the fear, and is now so automatic in my body that I don't know how to combat it. It has minimized w/ time, and I've learned to compensate (some of my friends/acquaintances think I'm an extrovert, little do they know). In your child's case, if you handle it in a gentle & supportive way, and don't push her to do things while simultaneously not focusing on her feelings as if they are a sign of a "problem", she'll likely grow right out of this phase.

In order to build his confidence doing things in front of a group, I put my child into karate at age 4 (he's now almost 6). He loves it, does belt tests & karate moves in front of the class, and is really confident in that arena. My son can still exhibit "shyness" outside of karate, and my strategy is to not make a big deal about it & just say simply, "yeah, sometimes people feel shy. Everyone feels shy sometimes. It's just a feeling." I don't draw attention to it, push him, or judge him in any way, and I try to mirror being social to the kids and other parents. I don't minimize his feelings, but I do try to normalize them so that he doesn't feel they are overwhelming or unusual.

I understand it's a little different in your daughter's situation, since she's 8 & must stand in front of the crowd to do the belt test (at least, that's how my child's karate class works). I like your approach, to just tell her that it's her choice & she doesn't have to take the belt test. Though it will take time (and who really cares if it takes many months), she may eventually choose to do the belt test in order to get the belt. That desire may win out over her fear.

So my advice from my personal experience:

1) Don't make a big deal about this or bring up the topic. Give her the freedom to bring it up on her own. When she does something really well, praise her for it, so that she develops confidence in group situations. Don't praise her for getting up in front of a crowd, since that will draw attention to it, but rather focus on something else she did very well: "that was a great karate move", "I like your focus", "this seems to come to you naturally", etc...
3) Continue to enroll her in activities that cause her to "perform" around other kids, so that she becomes desensitized to it over time. Eventually the fear will go away as she continues to have small successes, and develops a sense of competence in her abilities. I wouldn't start with theater, but sports are great for teaching kids how to do things in front of others. It's essential that she's not allowed to run from activities, because the fear is self-feeding (the more she avoids it, the greater her fear becomes). But you can be very subtle in influencing her to enroll in activities that put her into group situations.
4) If you don't already do this, ask for her opinions or insight into various topics throughout the day. Look her in the eye & wait for her to speak, become her audience. This puts her in the spotlight in a way, and she will become comfortable with expressing her "voice" and verbalizing her opinion to another person. You & your husband can do this together at dinner, even (a mini-group). It's just another small step, and akin to having your bday song sung, receiving applause, etc...
5) With karate, my husband enrolled & practices w/ my son. Through practicing the moves over and over, doing things in front of his Dad, I think it's helped build his confidence in doing karate in front of the group. The focus is on karate, not him personally (if that makes sense).

[pregnant@40]

Just wanted to add that in my area we have a great Children's theater that puts on classes throughout the community. The classes are set up so that the kids as a group go on pretend "adventures", where there is a make believe scenario & the kids together play roles and make up the story line. Without the kids really noticing, they are "performing" in front of each other. If you had something like this in your community, I would highly recommend it!