Sibling compairsons

[Wild Lupine]

I'm not sure if either of my children are technically gifted, but I'm posting this here because it might be an issue those of you with gifted children might deal with.

Both my kids strike me as above averagely smart. Early talkers, good vocabularies, learn new things quickly, etc...

But, there's something about DS, my younger child, that makes people stop and say, 'wow, did he just do that!' then go on about how smart he is. Sometimes it's a particular word he uses, yesterday it was because he counted to 11 (he's 25 months).

My issue here isn't whether this qualifies him in any way (again, I think what he does might be developmentally ahead of the norm, but not necessarily show stopping; I'm pretty sure I've heard lots of other toddlers counting to 11). The issue I have is that this is all said in front of DD. DD is almost four, and is also pretty smart, smart enough to notice that DS is constantly pointed out as smart and she isn't.

Generally I try to change the focus of the conversation so that includes DD too, or any other children that are around.

This may be an age thing, that when DS gets older people will be less likely to point out his accomplishments so bluntly. Or it might be a gender thing. Sometimes people try to bring my DD into the conversation by mentioning how pretty she is. (Great, a pretty girl and a smart boy, what year is this again?) But am I right to be concerned about how this might be affecting DD?

[loraxc]

Yes, I think you are. In the future, I would say something like, "Oh, they're both such neat, smart kids. DS is __________ and DD is __________." (Only in response to the comments...in general, I try to avoid a lot of praise of my kids.)

[moominmamma]

The other thing you can say "It sure helps to have an clever older sister; he learns so much just from being around her!"

Miranda

[Wild Lupine]

I try to avoid a lot of praise, too, which is why I get uncomfortable. Not saying anything about DD while DS is being praised feels wrong; praising too much also feels wrong.

A simple statement like you described sounds good. I also just realized I can turn it all into a being about growing up. "Yes, they get so big and learn new things so fast, don't they!" That would explain for DD why DS's accomplishments get so much more notice; it's all about him no longer being a baby.

[Linda on the move]

I think it depends on who is staying this. If this is family or friends, lay down the law NOW. This needs to stop ASAP.

For random strangers, I like the "he learns so much from his sister" line.

My older DD has special needs and my younger one is *just* gifted. We had to wipe this out at family gatherings YEARS ago and I'm really glad we did. My *just* gifted DD has grown up knowing she's bright, but she doesn't think it makes her better than other people. She is completely missing much of the angst common among gifted kids, and I think part of it's because we made a point of talking about other things! My kids both like themselves, and they generally like each other.

[LittleBattleAxe]

Originally Posted by moominmamma

The other thing you can say "It sure helps to have an clever older sister; he learns so much just from being around her!"

Miranda

Perfect.

[excitedtobeamom]

Miranda-perfect reply! I need to remember that one!

We have the same problem around here. My kids are 22 months apart and both smart kids. The younger one though learned all his letters and sounds at 18 months because we were going over them with his sister. He could read at 3 etc. etc. We started him early in Kindergarten at a very academic private school and he is just thriving. But we have to work very hard to stop the competition. He has the same teacher my older one did so he compares them and he is very advanced. They are only a grade apart and he insists he can do her work and often can easily. It is hard sometimes because my daughter is smart but doesn't feel so because her little brother does things with such ease. We try to talk about how everyone is different and how God made us unique for many reasons, etc. It stress me out at times because I hope we are handling it right!