Dh and I have mentored J for a year and a half. It started out as a Big Brothers/Big Sisters thing, but then we ditched the program and just did it on our own.
We have had struggles with J off and on. He went for a couple months not talking to us and wouldn't give a reason why, and then things were really good for a long time. Anyway, I have really tried to use natural consequences with him, but I feel like I am failing here. His mom isn't always super helpful, and if we go to her he acts like we have betrayed him, so we try to solve the issues ourselves to keep the relationship b/w him and us intact.
So - J has always had problems picking up after himself. I have no idea why, but he just leaves everything on the floor and throws nothing away. He wouldn't eat at our house for the longest time, so we set aside a special shelf just for him and took him shopping to buy foods that he likes. Problem was solved, he started eating at our house. But...he would leave juice boxes laying down on the floor (not even just sitting on the floor, but like on it's side where juice would come out) and stained our carpet numerous times. I told him every time it happened and asked him to stop, but after the 3rd time, we just told him he could only have clear drinks in the living room until he could start cleaning up after himself better. This lasted one day. It's just as bad now, possibly even worse, but because it's all clear stuff there aren't any stains now.
So - he has been without any colored drinks on his shelf for probably 2 months now. But during this time, he was also wasting the food on his shelf, where he would eat two bites out of a poptart and give the rest to the dogs. I told him not to do that, that it was wasting. Then he did it again today. Or he will just eat part of his food and leave the rest on the floor, then later go back and get more food before finishing the other before I catch what's going on.
A couple weeks ago he wanted the neighbor boys to spend the night with him at our house. We thought everything had gone fine. We left the next morning for vacation and when we came back a week later we had messages on our business line from a little girl. Apparently they were prank calling her and she got scared. So...we told him no more sleepovers with his friends, we can't trust him and them. I recently told him that I needed to be able to see that he was responsible enough to handle having them over again, and he could show me that by picking up after himself. No dice. He was over last night and today and never once picked up after himself, despite me reminding him and talking to him about it. Before he left, I asked if he was going to pick his stuff up or if he just planned to leave it for me. He said leave it for me. No. I made him walk in there and pick it up.
In the middle of the summer he really wanted Nike Shox. His mom is a single mom who does really well, but we do try to help her out. We told him that he needed to earn 25% and we would pay the rest, and he could earn the 25% by mowing our lawn 3 times. Due to rain and such, he was only able to do it twice before school started, so we told him that he could have the shoes but still owed us one time. Now he is saying the shoes are lame and he doesn't want to do it because it's getting cold.
So my plan is - 1. The shelf is gone. If he is going to waste food, we're not going to continue to provide it. He can eat what we eat. 2. No food/drinks at all in the living room since he can't pick up after himself. 3. If he refuses to mow the lawn the last time again, we take the shoes back.
I feel bad doing this, but I feel like I have been more than lenient with him and given him plenty of opportunities to correct his behavior. I am just worried because it's mentoring - I don't want him to stop coming around because of this. We love that child like he was our own, it would kill me if he stopped coming over, but it's getting out of hand. I just need to know if I've been doing okay or just been a push-over? Am I being too harsh now with my new plan? Any other ideas?
We have had struggles with J off and on. He went for a couple months not talking to us and wouldn't give a reason why, and then things were really good for a long time. Anyway, I have really tried to use natural consequences with him, but I feel like I am failing here. His mom isn't always super helpful, and if we go to her he acts like we have betrayed him, so we try to solve the issues ourselves to keep the relationship b/w him and us intact.
So - J has always had problems picking up after himself. I have no idea why, but he just leaves everything on the floor and throws nothing away. He wouldn't eat at our house for the longest time, so we set aside a special shelf just for him and took him shopping to buy foods that he likes. Problem was solved, he started eating at our house. But...he would leave juice boxes laying down on the floor (not even just sitting on the floor, but like on it's side where juice would come out) and stained our carpet numerous times. I told him every time it happened and asked him to stop, but after the 3rd time, we just told him he could only have clear drinks in the living room until he could start cleaning up after himself better. This lasted one day. It's just as bad now, possibly even worse, but because it's all clear stuff there aren't any stains now.
So - he has been without any colored drinks on his shelf for probably 2 months now. But during this time, he was also wasting the food on his shelf, where he would eat two bites out of a poptart and give the rest to the dogs. I told him not to do that, that it was wasting. Then he did it again today. Or he will just eat part of his food and leave the rest on the floor, then later go back and get more food before finishing the other before I catch what's going on.
A couple weeks ago he wanted the neighbor boys to spend the night with him at our house. We thought everything had gone fine. We left the next morning for vacation and when we came back a week later we had messages on our business line from a little girl. Apparently they were prank calling her and she got scared. So...we told him no more sleepovers with his friends, we can't trust him and them. I recently told him that I needed to be able to see that he was responsible enough to handle having them over again, and he could show me that by picking up after himself. No dice. He was over last night and today and never once picked up after himself, despite me reminding him and talking to him about it. Before he left, I asked if he was going to pick his stuff up or if he just planned to leave it for me. He said leave it for me. No. I made him walk in there and pick it up.
In the middle of the summer he really wanted Nike Shox. His mom is a single mom who does really well, but we do try to help her out. We told him that he needed to earn 25% and we would pay the rest, and he could earn the 25% by mowing our lawn 3 times. Due to rain and such, he was only able to do it twice before school started, so we told him that he could have the shoes but still owed us one time. Now he is saying the shoes are lame and he doesn't want to do it because it's getting cold.
So my plan is - 1. The shelf is gone. If he is going to waste food, we're not going to continue to provide it. He can eat what we eat. 2. No food/drinks at all in the living room since he can't pick up after himself. 3. If he refuses to mow the lawn the last time again, we take the shoes back.
I feel bad doing this, but I feel like I have been more than lenient with him and given him plenty of opportunities to correct his behavior. I am just worried because it's mentoring - I don't want him to stop coming around because of this. We love that child like he was our own, it would kill me if he stopped coming over, but it's getting out of hand. I just need to know if I've been doing okay or just been a push-over? Am I being too harsh now with my new plan? Any other ideas?
Hope it all works out.
