GD when something has to be done NOW

[MamaRuga]

Like getting into right into the car seat or stopping when you say "STOP" in a dangerous situation (like running down the street in a busy city).

For the most part, when I have time and patience, I can find a way for us to work together to get done what needs to get done. But there are situations when there simply isn't the time to find a way to meet both of our needs in the moment.

The car seat is the prime example. DD usually can't go straight into her seat. She is all over the car while I'm finding all sorts of ways of coaxing her into the seat. But there isn't always the time and space for this. It just feels so wrong to physically force her into the seat, but when I am out of time and out of other options, that is what I have to do.

DD is 2.5 and I believe that with time she will come to understand when we mean business she needs to listen, but what do you do in the meantime if you want to gentle and respectful?

[phathui5]

I think that you can be gentle and firm at the same time. The car seat is a non-negotiable, so you have to buckle her in, but I think the way you do it (staying calm for example) can be gentle and respectful.

[MamaRuga]

Well, when I have to physically coerce her into the seat, I do my best to speak kindly rather than speaking in anger. So even if I am physically having to force her in she isn't getting a double wammy of harsh words too. But it is still a big struggle. The car seat is still rear facing so she can push back against the seat with her feet which makes it almost impossible to get her in without a lot of force when she doesn't want to get in.

I just hate it.

She is just VERY independent minded and needs to do things in her own way and time. Most of the time it is ok to give her a LOT of space for that, but sometimes we just can't. My father and DH think that she isn't listening when we need her to, because we let her do things her own way too much so she doesn't understand when she can't have it her way.

[The4OfUs]

I was never OK with my kids goofing around in the car when it was time to go somewhere, so when they were in this age range I always had their hand on the way to the car and put them right into the seat (also, they were bolters, so this was part of the bolting prevention strategy as well). They may not have liked it, butt I was calm but firm about it. I never had ot fight my son, bvut my daughter was another story. I was not willing to hang around for 5-10 minutes or longer while she futzed around, so I put her in the seat, being calme, firm, empathetic, but still getting it done.

That was my basic motto for "forcing" them to do stuff: calm, firm, empathetic, and not angry at their (LOUD, sometimes flailing) protest, but ...it's still getting done. And letting them have the choices/set the pace when it really doesn't matter to me.

I'm a lot of fun in a lot of ways a lot of the time, but farting around when it's time to go somewhere is not one of them. Everyone has their things, and this is one of mine.

Were I you, I'd start introducing the concept of "kid time" and "mom time"...that is, when you're on kid time, she sets the pace....when you're on mom time and have to be somewhere, you set the pace. I still do that with my kids, let them know ahead of time if we're early, on time, or late and adjust accordingly. If they know in advance, they know what to expect...and sometimes when we're getting ready I'll mention to them that we're out of early realm and into just on time, and they'll speed up so they can take a lap around the yard or a couple swings before we hop in the car. I can't stress enough how valuable it is to "prep" kids on what's going to happen, and your expectations of their behavior - I still do it regularly when we're in a transition time from activity to activity or location to location. So like, on the way to the car, 'We're getting in the car now and we have to be on time for X, so that means no messing around, you'll need to get buckled right into your seat.' if you're able to let her mess around after, you can offer that as an option depending on how the getting into the seat goes.

[mamazee]

Sometimes it's about how you do something rather than what you do. I mean, forcing a child into a car seat can be yelling and threatening while you buckle them in as they squirm, or it can be saying "I'm sorry you don't like the car seat. I wish it were safe to ride in the car without it" while you buckle them in as they squirm.

[Just1More]

Sometimes I think things become less about the child's desire, and more about their habit. When that happens, I try to change the habit. So, if she thinks she needs to climb around the car for 10 minutes before you buckle her, then I'd think of something to make getting in more attractive. And I'd put the stakes big. Like...for a while...when we get in the car and get buckled, you get a lollipop. The fad will wain after a while, but the new habit will stay...the one where you hop in your seat for a lollipop (or whatever). I would NEVER make this a bribing tool. Say it one time, "When you get in your seat, you can have this. Okay, let's go out to the car." Hold her hand, take her out there, and put her in the seat. Hand her the lollipop to start to open while you buckle her. IF she balks, then no lollipop. "Oh, I'm sorry, I can only give you that if you get right in. We don't have time to open it now. Maybe when we leave the store, you'll get in faster and we can open it then." Do NOT repeat. Do NOT remind her at the store.

[moondiapers]

Originally Posted by The4OfUs

I was never OK with my kids goofing around in the car when it was time to go somewhere, so when they were in this age range I always had their hand on the way to the car and put them right into the seat (also, they were bolters, so this was part of the bolting prevention strategy as well). They may not have liked it, butt I was calm but firm about it. I never had ot fight my son, bvut my daughter was another story. I was not willing to hang around for 5-10 minutes or longer while she futzed around, so I put her in the seat, being calme, firm, empathetic, but still getting it done.

That was my basic motto for "forcing" them to do stuff: calm, firm, empathetic, and not angry at their (LOUD, sometimes flailing) protest, but ...it's still getting done. And letting them have the choices/set the pace when it really doesn't matter to me.

I'm a lot of fun in a lot of ways a lot of the time, but farting around when it's time to go somewhere is not one of them. Everyone has their things, and this is one of mine.

Were I you, I'd start introducing the concept of "kid time" and "mom time"...that is, when you're on kid time, she sets the pace....when you're on mom time and have to be somewhere, you set the pace. I still do that with my kids, let them know ahead of time if we're early, on time, or late and adjust accordingly. If they know in advance, they know what to expect...and sometimes when we're getting ready I'll mention to them that we're out of early realm and into just on time, and they'll speed up so they can take a lap around the yard or a couple swings before we hop in the car. I can't stress enough how valuable it is to "prep" kids on what's going to happen, and your expectations of their behavior - I still do it regularly when we're in a transition time from activity to activity or location to location. So like, on the way to the car, 'We're getting in the car now and we have to be on time for X, so that means no messing around, you'll need to get buckled right into your seat.' if you're able to let her mess around after, you can offer that as an option depending on how the getting into the seat goes.

that

[shanniesue2]

Originally Posted by Just1More

Sometimes I think things become less about the child's desire, and more about their habit. When that happens, I try to change the habit. So, if she thinks she needs to climb around the car for 10 minutes before you buckle her, then I'd think of something to make getting in more attractive. And I'd put the stakes big. Like...for a while...when we get in the car and get buckled, you get a lollipop. The fad will wain after a while, but the new habit will stay...the one where you hop in your seat for a lollipop (or whatever). I would NEVER make this a bribing tool. Say it one time, "When you get in your seat, you can have this. Okay, let's go out to the car." Hold her hand, take her out there, and put her in the seat. Hand her the lollipop to start to open while you buckle her. IF she balks, then no lollipop. "Oh, I'm sorry, I can only give you that if you get right in. We don't have time to open it now. Maybe when we leave the store, you'll get in faster and we can open it then." Do NOT repeat. Do NOT remind her at the store.

I don't understand how that's not a bribe? I mean I understand the "when.... then....." statement. And I get that it's not saying "Remember you get a lollipop when you get in the car seat" over and over again. But still it's saying that "when you do xyz, you will get a treat." I don't get how that's not a bribe.

ftr... I'm not saying this with any judgement. Because I do think there are times where bribes can be useful and effective (when used judiciously). And I can see how working on developing a new habit about getting into the carseat could be one of those times.

I guess maybe I just don't understand what you mean by bribe when you talk about it in this context.

[PiePie]

I just want to thank to OP for this post. A lot of the GD literature -- everything from aldort to the dailygroove emails -- seems to assume that the answer is always to slow down and go on the child's time.

it is simply not possible for me. i wohm and i have to be places at times certain. DD (3) is in out-of-the-home group care, which i think is best for her in so many ways. but it does make for some stressful mornings, and they were never my favorite time of day anyway. i try to be as flexible as i can (you should see what she wears to sch! alfie kohn would love it!), and i have relaxed bedtime in order to make my picking her up from sch less rushed, as i believe it is inherently emotionally fraught for both of us, but sometimes i need to get her to move. i don't have a car, so the carseat isn't my big thing -- i need her to cooperate with me and ride her scooter to the subway, for example.

[Just1More]

I only have a minute....first day dh is back to work...have 3 littles and a 5 day old...whew...

Anyway...

It's not a bribe if it's just "what happens". Currently the "what happens" when they get in the car is that her dd wanders around and refuses to get in her seat. The new "what happens" is that the mama puts the dd in the car and gives her a lollipop (or book or whatever). When you get in the bathtub, you get wet. When you get in the carseat, you get a treat.

If you try to convince her to get in her seat for the treat, then you have resorted to bribery. "C'mon. Please get in your seat. I'll give you a lollipop....please?"

But, the point of the OP was not to figure out how to get her child in the car, but what to do when you need it done NOW. In short, if I don't want to have a battle, I don't make one. "It's time to go, are you ready?" invites discussion. Picking up my child, or taking their hand and leaving doesn't. (Unless you wind up with a fit, which...)

Gotta go...baby's hungry.

[shanniesue2]

Originally Posted by Just1More

I only have a minute....first day dh is back to work...have 3 littles and a 5 day old...whew...

Anyway...

It's not a bribe if it's just "what happens". Currently the "what happens" when they get in the car is that her dd wanders around and refuses to get in her seat. The new "what happens" is that the mama puts the dd in the car and gives her a lollipop (or book or whatever). When you get in the bathtub, you get wet. When you get in the carseat, you get a treat.

If you try to convince her to get in her seat for the treat, then you have resorted to bribery. "C'mon. Please get in your seat. I'll give you a lollipop....please?"

Thanks for that explanation That makes sense, now... I think I just wasn't thinking about it like that.

[mnj77]

My dd responds really well when I say "I need you in your seat. I'm going to help you get in in 5-4-3-2-1." She generally hurries to do it herself. If she doesn't i help her as gently as possible. DH was surprised to hear me do this the first time because the counting sounds kind of non-GD. But I see it as offering a choice and there's no denying that the counting is effective with a toddler for some reason.

[peainthepod]

Originally Posted by mamazee

Sometimes it's about how you do something rather than what you do. I mean, forcing a child into a car seat can be yelling and threatening while you buckle them in as they squirm, or it can be saying "I'm sorry you don't like the car seat. I wish it were safe to ride in the car without it" while you buckle them in as they squirm.

This is how I generally handle it. Certain things are non-negotiable and I don't have the time or energy to wait around for permission to get them done (car seat, toothbrushing, etc.) but I always gently and firmly explain my reasons for doing them as I calmly do them.

I find the calmer I am, the less he struggles because he realizes it's not something I'm going to budge on. In the beginning I would get pretty frustrated when he fought against me (especially while brushing teeth) and he really picked up on that and it made things much worse than they had to be.

[PGTlatte]

Originally Posted by mamazee

Sometimes it's about how you do something rather than what you do. I mean, forcing a child into a car seat can be yelling and threatening while you buckle them in as they squirm, or it can be saying "I'm sorry you don't like the car seat. I wish it were safe to ride in the car without it" while you buckle them in as they squirm.

I never coax a child into a carseat because it's completely non-negotiable, and coaxing makes them think there's a possibility of them not having to do it. I just put them in, explain that it's time to go, and never feel a shred of guilt about it. They quit having "big" reactions to this when their reactions never got any response from me.

[blizzard_babe]

I don't really think it's healthy for either DS or DH/me to negotiate every single detail. 2.5 year olds (and it's a weird age because they're kind of in-betweeners in a lot of ways) are not going to be traumatized if they just have to do something they don't want to, especially if it's presented as a "Yeah, this really sucks, and I know you dont' like it, but we need to push through together" kind of way. DS, a few months ago, hated getting strapped into his carseat, but enjoys the car ride itself, and usually the destination. He currently hates getting into the bathtub in the evening, but loves bathing. Transitions are hard... but it's just not humanly possible to sit around and negotiate every single detail.

Give plenty of warning beforehand... DS, even though he doesn't really understand how long a minute is, reacts MUCH better to bedtime/bathtime when I start giving him warnings up to 20 minutes beforehand. It's worth a shot with the car thing. "We'll be leaving in 15 minutes. When it's time, will you climb into your carseat, or do you want me to lift you? Will you climb around on the other seats or just go straight to your seat? Which matchbox car (insert small toy of your kid's choice here) do you want to take with?" I try to get all the details out of the way beforehand. He still sometimes throws a tantrum at the moment of transition, but he HAS had a say in how it's going to work.

[Melanie_7773]

Oh, I SO understand what you are going through with the car seat. My daughter was just the same at that age. It was a daily battle, and occasionally when I was out of time or patience I did just have to physically force her in. It's not easy, physically or mentally. I was always calm about it, but that only helps so much when you're physically shoving (because there's no other way to force an unwilling child into a car seat) your screaming toddler into a restraint.

I think "just doing it" is much harder with some children than others. I recall an epic battle with my daughter when she was around two that ended with her in near-hysterics over my insistence that she get in the car seat "right now". Not one of my prouder parenting moments. I'm neither weak nor small, but really, I only have so many hands. When a kid is that determined NOT to get into the car seat, there's only so much you can do. It ended with me taking a step back, taking her back inside to calm down (it was winter) and then trying again 5 or 10 minutes later.

The carseat situation improved greatly around the time she turned three, so maybe there's an end in sight for you. At almost five now she usually gets in on her own and does up her own straps (so I just have to tighten), but we've been a long time getting there.

My son, at nearly two, is much better about getting into the car seat and always has been. In part it is because I've been careful never to "allow" any fooling around when it's time to get into the car, so the expectations are different. But mostly it's because he is just a much easier personality to deal with. He's much easier to distract with a toy, or, more often, food. I keep fruit twists in the car for this precise purpose, and usually try to have a drink on hand. Even so he has moments when he refuses to sit. In those cases I generally take him out of the car, talk to him for a few seconds about how it's time now to get in the car (and why), and try again. And repeat as necessary.

I second the recommendation to try to give lots of warning when approaching any kind of transition. Some kids don't always need this, but my daughter certainly did and it sounds like yours does too.

Good luck OP! It will get better, and in the meantime sometimes you just have to do what you have to do.

[DevaMajka]

I like the "waiting for the bus" method in Secret of Parenting. For us, it meant spending more time at first, but very soon ds was responding more quickly to everything.

[PGTlatte]

Originally Posted by DevaMajka

I like the "waiting for the bus" method in Secret of Parenting. For us, it meant spending more time at first, but very soon ds was responding more quickly to everything.

I know someone who regularly waited over an hour at a time, in parking lots. I personally think her 2 yo was having a bit of fun with his mom. I also think he really wanted her to set some limits, and was experimenting to see how far he had to go to find a limit.

Sometimes I do decide to "wait", BUT I set a time limit, and inform the child...you have x amount of time...then either you do it yourself, or I do it.

And I always follow through.

I would be okay with "waiting for the bus".....because I can see the positives of the child feeling like they are participating in the solution......but only if I was pretty sure the bus would be arriving in a reasonable amount of time .

[msmiranda]

My stock tactic when I am in a situation where something is not negotiable and needs to be done timely -- like the car seat -- is to say, "do you want to walk or be carried?" If he doesn't immediately say "walk" (which he does about half the time), I say, I'm going to count to three and if you're not over here I will have to carry you. I'm gentle and kind about it but firm. It has worked pretty well so far; I'd say that I only have to carry him about 5% of the time.

[DevaMajka]

Originally Posted by laundrycrisis

I know someone who regularly waited over an hour at a time, in parking lots. I personally think her 2 yo was having a bit of fun with his mom. I also think he really wanted her to set some limits, and was experimenting to see how far he had to go to find a limit.

Sometimes I do decide to "wait", BUT I set a time limit, and inform the child...you have x amount of time...then either you do it yourself, or I do it.

And I always follow through.

I would be okay with "waiting for the bus".....because I can see the positives of the child feeling like they are participating in the solution......but only if I was pretty sure the bus would be arriving in a reasonable amount of time .

I think I may have given the wrong impression of the waiting for the bus method. lol. Have you read SOP? It's sort of a hard concept to "get" without reading the book. It's not about waiting until the child feels like doing what you want. You tell them what you want done, then you wait until they do it, with the expectation that they WILL do it, and they WILL do it soon. You watch them with that expectation, and it puts a sort of pressure on them that makes them uncomfortable, in a way. You don't put your attention on something else, but you also don't get upset with dc- kinda like waiting for a bus when you are in a hurry.
When I said that it took some time at first, I meant 5-10 minutes, until he got used to the idea that I DO expect him to do as I say (in certain situations, or when I use a certain tone of voice, etc).

SOP is recommended for ages 4 and up, but I was using bits and pieces of it before ds was 4, and it was helpful for us.