How to stay calm when you're being hit and kicked?

[April Dawn]

Wow, toddlerhood is hitting my family like a tornado!

DS will be sixteen months old on Monday. He is definitely discovering the ability to pitch a fit if he doesn't get his way. I have read lots of positive, AP parenting sort of stuff about keeping your cool, not yelling, etc. The problem is that it all seems to go out the window when my child starts physically thrashing around. I am pretty good at staying calm with him when he's happy, but just refusing to comply with something I ask him to do (like throwing food at dinner repeatedly and then laughing, despite being asked not to throw it). But when he throws a fit about something, he REALLY throws a fit. He kicks, he screams, he thrashes around. And he insists on doing all of this right next to me or in my arms - if I try to set him down and disengage, the fit gets ten times worse. When I'm trying to hang on to a thrashing toddler and keep from getting kicked in the face, I am so intent and in the moment that I just forget all my resolutions to stay calm, count to ten, make a silly face, or whatever other strategy I'm trying. I end up yelling at him. I don't want to parent by yelling. I always apologize to him later, but I'd rather just keep it from happening. Has anyone found something that really works to calm yourself down when you're being pummeled by an angry toddler?

[ThankfulMama]

I'm there now with the melt downs. I recently posted about this because DD is the worst in the middle of the night. I don't have an answer for you but I gather it seems to be a phase.

I just checked out becoming the parent you want to be again for this reason.

best wishes!

[just_lily]

When DD threw the most violent of her tantrums I used to put her in her crib. We have hard floors and I was afraid she would hurt herself as she threw herself to the ground, and figured her crib was the safest place for her. I stayed with her, just out of the way of fire.

Getting hit/kicked/punched/bit/pinched/etc. is a major trigger for me. To be honest it takes everything in me to not toss the kid across the room. I have to separate myself.

[babybirkel]

ds is 20 months on and also throws some major fits.

i agree with what PP said about putting the kid in the crib or another safe place and letting them just work it out. i have found that if i try to do anything during the tantrum -- calm him down, talk to him, etc -- it just gets worse, so it works better to just put the kid in a place where they can't hurt themselves and let them work it out.

it's hard to be calm when being physically injured -- it's normal i think to want to run away or yell or whatever. who can stay calm when you're being kicked?

once my son has calmed down (it doesn't take long usually -- a minute or so) i will get down on his eye level and give him a hug. then i try to "give words" to what he is feeling -- "it's frustrating when we can't do what we want to do, isn't it? you're mad because you can't climb on the table. but mama can't allow you to climb on the kitchen table, it's not safe. let's go read a book!"

tantrums are crazy. i feel you.

[shanniesue2]

I like the suggestion of putting him in a crib or other safe place and staying right by... but we never had a crib so it wouldn't have worked for us.

What I found helpful was sort of mentally disengaging, while still physically being present. The best way for me to do this was to hold him or be next to him on a carpeted floor, but not really look at him or talk to him. Kind of like when you're in labor and you go within yourself. Or if you meditate. Keep your breathing really slow and calm and focus on that. Maybe even mentally think something like "I'm breathing in love and I'm breathing love into DS." Over and over and over again. I find that if I can stay calm, DS calms down a LOT quicker.

That was when he was a young toddler. Now that he's an older toddler, I find that sometimes I just have to let him get it out. When I try to soothe him, it just goes on longer. So sometimes I really just have to make sure he's in a safe place (on the carpet with no dangerous edges around) and just leave him there (I don't go far, though... just not right next to him). Sometimes, I think that what they really NEED is just an opportunity to put it all out there. ykim?

good luck and much peace to you, mama

[Biscuits & Gravy]

Originally Posted by shanniesue2

So sometimes I really just have to make sure he's in a safe place (on the carpet with no dangerous edges around) and just leave him there (I don't go far, though... just not right next to him). Sometimes, I think that what they really NEED is just an opportunity to put it all out there. ykim?

good luck and much peace to you, mama

I totally agree with this. I often just let him kick and scream, and get that anger and frustration out. However, I don't let him kick or hit me. I tell him that kicking and hitting hurts, and we don't kick or hit mommy. Then I put him down. Sure, he gets even more angry, but I don't want him to think it is okay to treat others that way because you are mad. I make sure he is safe and not hurting himself (on the carpet, grass, or someplace where he won't bang his head against something and get hurt).

Have you read the Happiest Toddler on the Block? It helped us so much with both N and K at this age. I have the book as well as the DVD. I'd be happy to share them if you'd like to check it out. (Although I know you have access to the book! LOL!)

[daniturtle]

My almost-two year old is also very physical with her tantrums, meltdowns and will try to hit, pinch, or bite. If it's the middle of a tantrum I just move myself away a little bit but stay nearby. Usually she doesn't want me to to hold her or pat her back, she needs to work the feelings all out herself and will not be soothed before she's ready. We generally practice Naomi Aldort's SALVE during intense emotional times and this seems to work- she is learning how to have emotions and that this isn't a bad thing (a message that I never got as a kid) and how to resolve them - with our help if she needs it or just by herself. At this point distraction does not work, and hasn't since she was about your kiddo's age. They just need to FEEL and, in our kids' cases, WORK it out using their bodies. But that doesn't mean they get to kick/hurt us.

You can try saying something like, "Kicking hurts Mommy. I'm going to set you down here where you can't hurt me. I know you are mad/sad/angry. I'm not going away, I'll be right here." It helps me to have a script so to speak, I say the same thing every time-- almost like a mantra, it's calming and means that I'm not yelling.

I would really recommend Naomi Aldort's Raising our Children, Raising Ourselves for the SALVE strategy for dealing with tantrums or emotional meltdowns, this has helped our family a lot. She also have CDs if that works better for you. I also recommend the Kabat-Zinns' Everyday Blessings: the Inner Work of Mindful Parenting. This might help you to stay calm and stay in the moment (as opposed to getting lost in the moment and getting freaked out and yelling) when things are rough. These are the two parenting books that I probably get the most out of on a day-to-day basis.

Hugs, mama. These emotional outbursts are rough, no two ways about it. And it's a particular challenge when you have a physical child who expresses anger by wanting to bite/kick/hit. (Oh one other suggestion- we like the books for kids by Elizabeth Verdick ... "Teeth are not for biting" "Hands are not for hitting" etc etc I end up using those phrases a lot as my mantras and Thalia loves to read them too) Hang in there! This won't last forever but you CAN live through it with some semblance of peace and acceptance.

[pumpkin]

The other day I got a stern voice when DD pulled my hair, hit me, and kicked me in the stomach while I was trying to sleep. DH got mad at me. I had to explain to him that when someone is actually causing you pain its hard not to react. My real instinct was to push her away physically and that having a tense voice when I said "NO" was doing pretty good.


When she starts on the attack I just try to hold her in whatever way I can to not get hurt. Then I take deep breathes. Lots of deep breathes. She is starting to get better about understanding that she is actually hurting me.

[Italiamom]

I think that there is a difference between reacting poorly, and just being firm. I don't think it goes against the philosophies of AP parenting to be firm. AP parenting doesn't mean that everything has to come across in the sweetest voice or tone. Typically when DS starts to get physical with me, my voice will change from the sing-song mommy voice, to the voice I would use with any other person when I am trying to convey that I am displeased with something. So maybe make that distinction for yourself, that while yelling isn't okay, you also don't have to sound happy or polite. I've found speaking in a normal voice to be the thing that helps me keep it together.

[April Dawn]

Thank you all for the recommendations. I will check out all the books mentioned.

I'm glad to know I'm not alone in struggling with this. I have been feeling so guilty for days now because on Friday I was trying to enjoy a nice lunch with a friend, which I almost never get to do, and my DS melted down. I was trying to hang on to him while he thrashed and kicked in the middle of a restaurant, and we finally had to leave and miss our lunch because of his behavior. I snapped at him several times and was honestly pretty ugly to him. It was definitely me losing my temper, not just correcting him firmly - I made several sarcastic comments to him and at one point snapped for him to just shut up and sit still. I feel horrible now.

I think finding a safe place and letting him go might be a good option (at home, the living room floor; when out and about, maybe the back seat of the car?). It doesn't seem like I can do anything to make him stop thrashing and hitting until he's spent his anger. So my options are to either let him kick and hit me, or to set him down and let him hit and kick the floor. I think I'll do much better staying calm if I'm not being physically attacked, so I'll try that next time.

Just today I got an example of how much easier it is to handle a fit when he's not lashing out at me. He spent nearly an hour crying earlier this afernoon. But he wasn't hitting or kicking. He wasn't angry; we never did quite figure out what was wrong, but I suspect teething pain, as he kept chewing on a finger. But I was able to stay calm and sympathetic, because he wasn't attacking me. It's a start, anyways - now if I can just learn to stay calm and sympathetic under more stressful circumstances!

Edited by April Dawn - 7/5/11 at 11:20pm

[curious&eager]

I have to put him down. He wants to scream in my arms but I can't let him because I can keep my cool, but not when I'm being attacked. So, I lay him on the floor and I tell him he can scream on the floor but he has to calm down and then mommy will pick him back up. He usually gets up pretty quick and comes running to me. And then either I pick him up and he calms down fairly quickly or he gets even madder and then I lay him back down.

I used to rock him to sleep but that had to end for the same reason, he would hit and fight, so I put him in the crib and pat him to sleep instead. So he does all his "I don't want to sleep" fit in the crib and not at me. It's much better this way.

I used to think I was a calm cool person, but apparently it's very very hard and near impossible to keep your cool when a little person is hitting/kicking/bitting/pulling hair, etc. We do now have lots of time outs for these issues and it seems to be working well.