need help, maybe a book, advice , something

[sosurreal09]

DD is only 1 y/o but very advanced and has fits ect.

the problem is i was severely abused as a child and im trying to control my anger the best i can. idk what o do my "natural" reaction is to hit her (i have not TG) everytime shes flipping out or laughing when i tell her no my instinct is to give her a slap. I DO NOT WANT THIS.
ive had therapy (no insurance right now)
i read Dr sears discipline book...

im so afraid one day i wont be able to stop myself.

what doesnt help at all is DH he grew up with slapping/spanking (not necessarily abuse) and he will literally be like slap her hand if shes touching the stove and i tell him no we will never hit her, he listens but idk if he really gets it. Our nephew gets spanked/slapped by any and everyone when hes "being bad" i think its horrific...DH has spanked him before....

anyways idk what i can do to ensure i will not be like my parents and to help DH see GD is best.

also torn on how/when to start GD since DD is sooooo spirited and its rough really it is. you tell her no and she laughs and does it anyways and she seems to really understand. i say danger and she will stop sometimes. i know shes young but everyone says to start at this age...i dont want to do time outs like her Dr suggested....shes too young to get that concept i believe but i dont want her to "walk all over me" either.

please help us!

[mom2grrls]

At age one you're going to redirect, distract and prevent. Doing these things does not mean she will walk all over you-it's her job to be curious and explore and she can't stop that impulse quite yet. if you don't want her to touch the stove (for example) put a baby gate up to block the kitchen and make sure she's safely secured(say in a high chair) while you're cooking. To try to work through that anger that comes when a child is not doing what you want I would suggest Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves by Naomi Aldort. Also this blog is good for dealing with your "triggers" http://purejoyparenting.com/

[ssh]

Science of Parenting by Margot Sunderland is a great book for understanding child development. It's mainly about how our parenting effects our child's neurological development. A one year old has no impulse control at all and is just exploring the world at this point. She can't "walk all over you" yet because she hasn't really realized she's a separate person yet. You do start discipline, but discipline is teaching, and at one you redirect, distract and prevent. With touching the stove you say "No, that's dangerous" and pick her up and move her away from the stove, every single time. With any dangerous things you just don't let her physically do it. After awhile she'll realize if you say something is dangerous you aren't going to let her do it. Impulse control is a higher brain function and isn't in place until somewhere around 3 or so. Behavior that seems like testing is really exploring cause and effect, sort of "if I do x, will y always happen". Even dropping food on the floor is an experiment to see if it will always fall.

[Bokonon]

"The No-Cry Discipline Solution" (good for older toddlers, but the basics are helpful)
"The Happiest Toddler on the Block"

I complete agree with redirection and communication.

[nextcommercial]

Sometimes it is hard not to react with what's been raised into you. Sometimes, you react before you think.

Since you know you don't want to hit, you need to change the way you react.

Your reasons for choosing not to spank need to make sense to you and her dad.

For instance, I won't hit because it feels SO wrong to me. I can't even spank a dog. BUT, I get mad. So, I do things my mom did when she was mad. Which is to say mean and hateful things. I have no idea why I can't always control that reaction. But, when my daughter was younger, I said mean things. Almost the exact mean things my mom said to me.

I have two ways of controlling myself. (it's just my way, it's not for everyone)

I imagine the whole thing being on nanny cam. How would I feel if I had to watch the interaction on Youtube later in the day, or year, or in 20 years? Is it what I want to see? I have done things and said things that I REALLY wish I hadn't.

I also think to myself. "If I screwed up at home, is it OK for my husband, or any other adult to scream at me like that? Or hit me? Is there anything I could do that would deserve being hit?"

[sosurreal09]

i was diagnosed with intermittent explosive disorder by my last therapist but my insurance got cancelled...so it stinks i can not afford therapy at all.
i think i have alot to overcome from my own abuse as well as change the way i instinctively react. KWIM?
one of my therapists once told me that you never know exactly what you have been through until you become a parent. How you were treated will instinctively come out in how you treat you're children, that's why so many abused children grow up to be abusers. <--- that scares the crap out of me, i do not want to ever hit or demean my child. i too have horrible words but not to DD, i do it to DH but have been trying to control it and have been doing a lot better the last year or so.
it just comes upon me like i can feel the anger rising and i just lose it. there were times when DD was smaller and just crying and crying and crying where i had actually punched a wall from frustration.
when i was in school i was kicked out for too much violence...
its a never ending pattern with me it seems and i have had countless therapy sessions since i was 15.
bottom line is i want to change for good.

i like the whole nanny cam idea lol

[MrsH]

That sounds so hard, and I'm so proud of you for knowing that you want different and working on it for so long! It is so hard to change such deep-seated patterns, and that does not make you a bad person!! You're also not at all alone. I wonder whether there's some sort of an in-person group near where you live to help parents who were abused as children? Might be worth looking into...

One book that's been helpful for me is She's Gonna Blow, which is a Christian book for mothers dealing with anger. If Christianity isn't your gig you still might find some of the strategies helpful, but it might be a tougher read since she does base it in the whole God being our Savior thing.

I also really love Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline which gives many great ways for us as parents to discipline ourselves. It helps make me a better parent more of the time, but hasn't yet helped me really address the more explosive anger.

One last thing that has been invaluable to me has been to post pictures and phrases around my house that remind me of how I want to parent. So on my desk I have sayings such as "you can't make anyone change except yourself." In the kitchen is a giant photograph of a head of lettuce, reminding me of the quote about not blaming lettuce. By the front door I included a "leave with smiles on our faces" in the kids' checklist for getting ready. Little things that catch my eye and remind me of how I want to be. Again, I still lose it and continue to work hard at it, but those are all things that have helped me improve.

All the best mama, keep up the good work!

[sosurreal09]

TY Mrs H I am Christian actually so thats a book I will read!

[janasmama]

Have you ever looked into EMDR therapy? It is great for PTSD-type things. I have used it with success.

I don't have insurance either, I pay for it out-of-pocket because for me, controlling my anger/not being abusive, is not about reading books. I already know how to be a good mother, I have all the ideas, knowledge, words and the desire to be a good mother....I have to actually treat my disorder and whatever it costs, my whole family deserves it. My therapist does give me a discounted rate.