6 year old son is angry and violent towards me

[longmountainart]

My son is 6 and has a new baby sister who is 3 months. he will lose it over simple things and have explosive meltdowns and be very violent towards me. He isnt violent towards dad but is very outwardly disobedient and defiant. the aggression seems to be directed towards me. he throws things hits me pushes me and tells me i dont love him, sometimes when im holding the baby. today was the last straw. we were at the department store and hadnt been there for a while. i promised him he could go to the playaway kids area at macys. well they got rid of it. first he pouted then i told him i would get him a little something to eat while he waited for me to do my shopping. at one point he wouldnt listen and started to hit me in the store. i grabbed him with the intentions of taking him to the car to cool off. i was wearing his sister in my mei tai and he struggled so much i tripped and fell. thank god i landed on my knees and wrists but the baby just grazed the floor. this could have been so much worse. then i got him to the car and he is flipping out. i was afraid he would run into the parking lot he was that crazy. he got it together finally and then had another meltdown on the way home trying to throw things at me while i was driving. he continued this behavior for about 30 minutes at home. DH and i are not in agreement about punishments. he wants to take away his music and sports lessons but i feel that he needs an outlet and if we take that away it will get worse. he isnt an aggressive child though normally. he only is when he loses control and then he gets extremely violent. we told his doctor and i mean i know the obvious reasons are the baby and me not spending more time with him...and ive started date night with him this week just him and me...i try to give him time outs and he only does it after he calms down. trying to add chores as punishment. take away tv, computer etc... NOTHING SEEMS TO AFFECT HIM! its so frustrating! he is such a strong willed individual and he blames us for his actions all the time! i do so much with gd and dh blames him acting that way on that! (he was beaten with a belt as a child so naturally he thinks he is perfect...no issues there right) its causing family strain on us relationship wise and im trying to do more things that reconnect us because i know thats the underlying issue but geez its been going on for almost 2 years now and has gotten so much worse since last february (when i really started showing my pregnancy) any suggestions on how to dispel the anger and also how to reconnect?

[IdentityCrisisMama]

It seems like he has some impulse control problems, right? It's not so much that he chooses to get this angry or respond the way he does...is that the feeling you get?

Is he in any sort of school?

I can see that if it is truly impulse control that punishments will not work.

By 6 I would think that he is starting to get a bit more rational. Have you tried talking to him about this when he's in a really good space? Do you think he's ready to start giving you clues as to when he feels he's starting to loose control? Can you pick up on any clues and perhaps cut him off at the path?

What a tough thing to have to deal with, mama!!

[IdentityCrisisMama]

I thought of a bit of wisdom that I learned from the book Taking Children Seriously. I shared it on another thread and will re-post here:

The basic idea is that you should always address each incident as an isolated event. This was a sticking point with me because I had trouble with the idea that the most irritating thing about a behavior sometimes is that it.keeps.happening. Nevertheless, this teacher made the good point that it is a lot easer for a child (or anyone for that matter) to imagine changing a single behavior rather than a whole series of behaviors. When I can fit this into my issues (and this works well for DC AND DH) I can attest to it being very effective.

So, try to observe the next incident from a clean slate. Observe the triggers. Question what you and DS could have done differently to avoid the things that contributed to his feeling out of control and reacting. In the thick of it, respond to him like this is the first time it has happened. Try to remove your emotions that are related to this being a pattern. Help him get through it as best as you can. When it's over and some time has passed talk to him about JUST this one incident.

Another tip from TCC is that when talking to DS, silence can sometimes be the best method for helping get more out of him. That and "repeating exactly what he said" and waiting for him to respond. Give him a long time to respond or add more to what he said. Try to ask very open questions only if necessary. Maybe even open with simply asking him, "Can you describe what happened at the mall today?"

The conversation may go something like this:

You: What happened at the mall today?

DS: You didn't let me to to the play park.

(Long pause)

DS: Well, the play park was closed.

You: The play park was closed.

(Pause)

DS: Yes, and you never do what you say you're going to do.

You: You feel like I never do what I say I'm going to do.

.....

That kind of thing isn't far fetched, IME. I would let the conversation be led by your DS. Know that you can always get back to the hitting and falling thing during another conversation.