Pressures...

[MunchiesMom]

I'm hoping someone could say something that gives me the confidence I'm lacking at the moment! DS just turned 2.5 and I've still not felt comfortable with anyone watching him except for me or DH. My mothering instinct tells me that it is healhy to follow his lead but outside pressures make me second-guess myself...

DS has a wonderfully healthy attachment to DH and me. He is great with other kiddos and wonderful with their parents and our friends. He's around people all day everyday and we see family regularly. He gets overwhelemd if there's too much stimulation, too much focus on him or if he gets seperated from me unwillingly. He is very bright, loves to learn, and is really involved in life doing exciting activities with me each day (zoo, toddler activities, library, etc.)

I've not had the need, or desire, to have someone watch him. And honestly there are just a few people I would feel comfotrable with (because they aresensitive to his needs, practice AP, respect that he's a BF toddler, etc). MIL (who is NOT one of those people) is CONSTANTLY pressuring me to let her "watch him" but I don't even feel comfortable with her inthe same room as him if DH or I are not there. Not only does she not support our parenting decisions, she outright harasses us for our choices. Long story, I'll spare you all the details about our complicated relationship.

In addition to trying to become a barrier between my son and I, I also get constantly nagged about EBF, ERF, co-sleeping, and basically every parenting desicion that goes "against the grain."

Thoughts?

[Pavlovs]

I don't have advice about your MIL other than to stand your ground. I'm guessing you've got some strong instincts there about not leaving her alone with your son even while you're in the same house.

I didn't trust anyone with my older son for a long, long time. For us, it was mostly because he has diabetes and you can't just walk someone through what to do in ten minutes. But even without that situation, I don't know that I'd have been comfortable anyway. Even now, I'm very picky about who gets to watch my boys even though my older son can self manage his diabetes with a little bit of adult help. I won't leave my kids with someone they don't know really well and I certainly wouldn't leave a non-verbal child with someone who didn't share the same philosophy as me. I'd want 100% assurance that my kids aren't being treated in a way that makes me uncomfortable and them have my kids not be able to tell me about it.

I say stand your ground, and just give the MIL the "this is what we do, pass the bean dip" line. She got to raise her kids her way, you get to raise yours your way.

[nukuspot]

I absolutely feel the same way. DD is 17+ months and I've (until recently) never left her with anyone except DH and I. This caused huge issues with my own father and stepmother. They constantly pressure me to let them "watch her." Well, DD just wasn't comfortable with them totally. I know my daughter and I knew when she started seeing my own mother finally as a comfort person, which was only last month when we went to visit! So I've let my mother be alone with her for short times, but always with me being close by, just not in the same room, maybe outside. It's been hard with my dad but I'm not going to leave her with him until she's ready, not just to make my dad happy for his weird desire to force the issue. If I had like 6 kids, perhaps it would be different, but for now I want to do what is best for my one!

[Kelly1101]

Originally Posted by MunchiesMom

I've not had the need, or desire, to have someone watch him. And honestly there are just a few people I would feel comfotrable with (because they aresensitive to his needs, practice AP, respect that he's a BF toddler, etc). MIL (who is NOT one of those people) is CONSTANTLY pressuring me to let her "watch him" but I don't even feel comfortable with her inthe same room as him if DH or I are not there. Not only does she not support our parenting decisions, she outright harasses us for our choices. Long story, I'll spare you all the details about our complicated relationship.

In addition to trying to become a barrier between my son and I, I also get constantly nagged about EBF, ERF, co-sleeping, and basically every parenting desicion that goes "against the grain."

Thoughts?

Hell to the no.

If she doesn't respect your parenting choices, there is no way that she will actually practice them with your son.

I wouldn't let anyone watch my child, ever, who didn't understand and respect how I choose to parent her, even if my choices are different than what they would choose.

[ibusymomto5]

I would follow your mothering instinct which was given to you for a good reason! Your mil may or may not get over it, but if she doesn't that's her problem. He's not her child. He's yours, and you have every right to decide if/when he'll be alone with other people.

Our oldest was the first grandbaby on both sides. Both my mil and her mother had a lesson to learn about what we would allow. They hadn't wanted anything to do with us or the baby until out of the blue one day when dd was about 6mos they called and wanted to take dd shopping without me for the day. No way could I do that. They were heavy smokers even in the car, and they had no real relationship with dd. When I told them I appreciated the fact that they'd like to spend time with the baby but that I wasn't comfortable doing it that way, they got offended. Mil responded with, "What, do you not trust us?" It was awkward, but I had to stand my ground. Then, they called Dh at work and tried to plead with him, but thankfully he backed me up and told them if they wanted to spend time with the baby that they would be welcome to come for a visit anytime if they just call first. They never did. I think it took them years to get over it, but they're the ones who lost out getting to have a relationship with their precious granddaughter. Thankfully, my side of the family has always been very respectful of our parenting style and would never dream of putting us on the spot like that. All of our kids have a very close relationship with them as a result.

[dividedsky]

if there is no need for others to watch him, then just ignore and do what you think is right. there will come a day when you will be OK with it (probably ), and even then only with certain people. and your MIL may not be one of those people!

i personally wouldn't leave my kids with anyone but dh, or family. but my family is pretty cool. i think i will be OK with a babysitter once my boys can talk well, to tell me if anything funky is going on!

[colsxjack]

We have had to leave our DD with other people occasionally. One friend of ours watches her 2 days a week for the full day. This friend also lives with us. We definitely trust her and she respects our parenting decisions and tries to do everything for DD the way we would do for her. And I have to say that it is still hard to leave her and fully trust.

I would never leave DD with my parents. She is not comfortable with them. And they do not understand our parenting decisions, although they respect them. But I do not think they would necessarily follow them. They would if we spelled everything out for them, but they wouldn't try to think how we would think.

My in-laws completely respect our parenting decisions and probably are very similar in how they parented babies. But I still would have a hard time leaving DD in their care. And MIL is coming to visit soon and I know she will want to take the baby out or watch her for us while we go on a date or something.
When FIL was here visiting he wanted to take DD for a walk to the store down the street. I let him and he didn't come back for 2 hours because he decided to take her to the park. I wasn't happy at all.
We are going to visit the in-laws for 2 weeks over xmas and mew years and I know we are going to have to come up with good excuses to not have to leave DD with them and go out. And I am not even sure why I am uncomfortable with it.

[Marissamom]

so far the only people who have ever watched DD are my mother, sisters, and father. I feel fine leaving her with them because I was raised in an EBF, AP, Cosleeping family. I know the worst thing that will happen in my family's care is that she gets too much attention and maybe gets a little bit of sweets. Now, I can also say that DDs paternal grandfather will never, ever babysit. knowing how he is with his own kids means I don't know if I'll ever be comfortable with her being in a room with him without me. Thank goodness DF takes after his mom more in parenting style (not quite as AP as my parents, but mostly because her first three kids were born before the AP movement even started, though 43 years ago with her first she was definitely ahead of her time)

[peainthepod]

When in doubt, trust your gut. But in this case, trust your brain too. Your MIL doesn't respect your parenting decisions and harangues you for your choices. Why on Earth would you trust her to spend unsupervised time with your child? She's all but telling you that she will undermine you and trample your boundaries without remorse.

Disrespectful people don't have automatic rights to special time with our children just because they share DNA. Hold your ground, mama.

[babydanielsmom]

If this were ANYONE else but your Mil would you even think twice about leaving your LO with her? Probably not. I think Mamas develop our "gut feelings" for good reasons. If yours is telling you no then when she asks the answer is no

[Super~Single~Mama]

I'm super laid back about letting people watch ds, for example someone in a class offered to while I ran an errand and I asked what her experience with kids was, she said, "I have 4 little brothers", and I said "great! Thanks!"

BUT - I do NOT like that my ex lets his mother watch him. I hate that woman with a passion deeper than I knew I had (she was part of a scheme that ended in CPS being called on me - its a well founded distaste for her!).

Follow your instinct. You're doing just great.

[MamaPhD]

I agree with everyone. Your priority is your child. All your obligation or whatnot for your inlaws come waaaaaaay after!