Dd1 refused to visit....

[Jyotsna]

My dd1 recently refused to visit with her father. She also filed a police report about the incident that caused her to be afraid to visit. She's only 10, and yet she has so much strength. Now she thinks she wants to visit again, to see if her father has "changed". I have to make her available from what I understand, but would I be right to assume that she could legally refuse to visit?

Also, alternately, my son was born with a special vision condition, and he has had three surgeries to bring his vision up to 20/200 correctable. So, his father has been holding on to a pair of glasses he bought for my son this summer. The reason why I ordered the glasses is because my son's then current glasses were broken. I had them repaired, then asked my son's father for the new pair of glasses. I asked him over 20 times to bring them to the meeting place for transfer of the kids. He never did. My son's glasses broke Friday, son called his father to ask him to bring the glasses. 24 phone calls later, he did bring glasses for my son, but they were 2 year old prescription.....which doesn't work now. Son's father is holding the new glasses, not allowing my son to have them. What is my recourse if any?

[meemee]

oh gosh jyotsna.

i have no idea.

but based on her filing her police report she should be legally allowed to choose.

however i dont know.

you know waht truly breaks my heart. inspite of their dad being who he is ... they still want to see if he has changed. they all soooo want their dad.

oh gosh in your son's case i dont know except for going to court. i dont know if you can file a police report about father not sending son's glasses. i have no idea.

i hope someone here knows how to answer you.

[Learning_Mum]

I have no idea about the glasses but I would maybe talk to an optometrist and explain the situation and see if you can pay them off.

[MissLotus]

If he did something so bad that she filed a police report, I would not - NOT - send her back. If you haven't gone back for legal advice, now is the time to do so. Ask how the report changes things - ask if since she's old enough to file a report, is she old enough to get the court's permission to decide if she wants to see him or not.

I understand a child's desire and hope that their father has changed, but as an adult you know he hasn't changed, and that she is just going to be severely disappointed and further abused (I don't know what prompted the police report, but I do remember you describing awful, abusive, inappropriate behavior from your ex even before that).

I know you want to be on the right side of the law so that he doesn't get more rights/time with the kids to further abuse them - I get that - but on the other hand, if you send her to him with a noted incident on record, and she gets abused again, then you don't want a judge down the line saying to you, "You knew about this abuse enough so that she filed a police report, so why did you send her back to him?" I realize it's a catch-22, but you really, really need legal help today.

I mean, really, before it sounds like he was molesting her, as much as I hate to say that, so if this report was something about that or anything violent, no, you can't send her back. She is not old enough to judge for herself. She needs to be protected!

I would also ask a lawyer - as well as the police in a non-emergency call - how to get your son's glasses back. There must be a legal recourse for ANYbody who needs to get back something that belongs to him. Your poor son needs to SEE.

[provocativa]

As for the glasses, he may be in violation of the divorce decree if he is supposed to provide for a certain amount of medical care. So you could haul him into court for that, I would think (but that's attorney money unless you know how to do it). You might try contacting the state optometrist's org. to see if any of them do pro bono work, or look around to see where the closest optometry or opthamology school is, for sliding scale service. Oh, also, the Lions Club is a charity which devotes most of their efforts to vision screenings and care. They would be the first place to call, they would know about the other.

In my state, it is age 12 when kids get more of a say in visitation, iirc.

[One_Girl]

I think that kids are only allowed to choose to visit if there is a court order from a judge giving them that power or if they get that power from the non-custodial parent. As for the glasses, can you get a court order to get them back? Would the school be willing to help you in that direction since he needs them, perhaps a call from the school nurse to bring the glasses because he can't do his work without them would help you get them back without having to go further.

[meemee]

woah this is information for me.

what do you do when you have an urgent situation.

also if OP's dd files a police report what happens next?

[Goodmom2008]

Put the request in writing for the prescription glasses that your son needs in order to see. Send it certified mail, return receipt requested (him refusing to sign for it will further help your case). Send an e-mail, as well, if you know his e-mail address be sure to send a carbon copy to yourself to prove that it was actually sent (it doesn't matter if he actually reads it). If that doesn't produce the correct glasses, purchase your son another pair and keep the receipt. You will then request payment in full (your ex is the reason why a second pair needed to be purchased and you have proof that you requested it and if he refused to sign for the request, you also have proof that he isn't willing to cooperate with you at all) the next time you go to court over any issue. Just be sure to either include it in any motion you file or file a countermotion should he file a motion. And be sure to ask that your ex pays your legal fees because it was his unreasonable actions that led to them to begin with. You probably won't get all of your fees paid if it is part of another motion, but your attorney should be able to separate out a reasonable portion relating to getting reimbursed for having to buy a second pair of glasses due to your ex's actions.

As for you being able to prevent visitation, you are going to have to get a court order for that. If you refuse, he can hold you in contempt.

[Super~Single~Mama]

If your dd had to file a police report, you need to go to court in order to be able to refuse visitation. Talk to a lawyer in your area that specializes in abusive situations, and make sure to request that only people who specialize in abusive situations work on the case (custody evaluators etc, since taking away visitation is a HUGE deal).

[Jyotsna]

Sorry for taking so long to respond. We are looking for a house because we need to move.

DD chose to go to her dad's house this weekend. He called her and told her that she would get to play baseball, ride bikes and other things. She was so excited (thinking he was changing) that she insisted on going. As one of you pointed out, I can't hold her back without a court order. I will work on getting her help. I have been talking to a lawyer about some things but I don't think that she will be able to handle this extreme situation.

Ds father finally brought the glasses to my son after I sent an email to him. In this email I told him to get the glasses to my son immediately or he may end up having to give my son the glasses, and also pay for my court fees concerning. Apparently he talked to someone about it and gave them over to my son...but not without trying to take his broken ones. Go figure. There is some immature trick he has planned waiting around every corner.

I spoke to my daughter today (he had my son call me at 8am, then put my daughter on the phone while she was still sleeping! Crazy stuff going on with the phone call priveledges.

I will let you know what happens. It has been so hard for my daughter and son, and they still want to give him another try. I feel terrible for them going through this, but I want to protect them.

[smeep]

I'm sorry, mama. Please let us know how things go.

[meemee]

jyotsna i hope he has stopped doing whatever he has for her to file a police report. if he hasnt i hope she files another one.

[Jyotsna]

My daughter was commenting tonight on how her father behaves with her. First, he hides her things. When she comes back after a twice week hiatus, she can't find her things. She is afraid to ask him where they are, because he gets explosive so easily.

She also told me that she was finger knitting and got all the yarn tangled up. When he saw that, he got very angry, was shouting at her about it.

Then, she told me that he said that when my ds turns 18, he will no longer be coming there, to visit, and then 8 years later, she won't either...so they won't need their bedrooms anymore. Don't know why he said that to them, but it made her feel unimportant...just as when they talk on the phone and he doesn't respond appropriately to her because he is watching tv or typing.

She doesn't push him for fear of how he may lose control and hurt her (her words).

Also, he promised her that he would play baseball with her, ride bicycles with her and other things. He did none of it...and she said, "he has a good excused...he took me to buy some pads". The strong and smart girl is pushed over with his excuse. As I said, they really do want him to be a good daddy. He struggles with that alot.

So my daughter sat inside from Friday night until Sunday afternoon, watching television, just like all the other weekends she has visited, for 6 damn years. She sits quietly, trying to be a good girl, trying to keep her father from erupting with anger. And she has no place to change clothing in privacy, nor does she have a bedroom to sleep in even though he has a bedroom she could use. She is now sleeping on the sofa every time she visited. Her father comes into the living room at 5am on Saturdays and turns the tv on, then goes back to sleep. He sleeps till noon, while my daughter and son fend for themselves. It's crazy, and yet, everything is safe again, so no way to prove anything, especially since she desided to go back to his house again.

Sigh!

[mommy_to_2angels]

How painful it must be for you... knowing that they are fearful of angering their father, but not being able to do anything about it. I admire the strength you show in supporting them. Someday they will realize there is nothing that they can do to change the man he is. They will make the decision to cut him off or they will continue to tolerate. At least you know that they know they have you. In that they are the luckiest kids in the world.

Hugs to you

[homewithtwinsmama]

I still do not understand how the therapist your children sees can't talk to CPS and/or the courts about the abuse that is happening. I encourage her to call the police every time she feels scared or in danger from him. The more evidence you get the sooner they get away from this monster.

[MissLotus]

Originally Posted by homewithtwinsmama

I still do not understand how the therapist your children sees can't talk to CPS and/or the courts about the abuse that is happening. I encourage her to call the police every time she feels scared or in danger from him. The more evidence you get the sooner they get away from this monster.

Yeah, that! She doesn't just need the tools to deal with the abuse, she needs to be away from him, period. How can these people just sit there calmly and act like her situation is normal?

[smeep]

You say she has no place to change clothes privately...what about the bathroom? Does he not allow her to change her clothes there? Perhaps you just meant along the lines of no bedroom, but that did worry me a bit. If he's forcing her to change clothes in a common room where anyone can be, that's VERY very scary, especially since she is obviously hitting puberty.

[Jyotsna]

Smeep:

She is 10, has to change in her father's bedroom. She has no bedroom of her own. Her brother does however. She is a woman now.

[homewithtwinsmama]

[QUOTE=Jyotsna;15925060]Smeep:

She is 10, has to change in her father's bedroom. She has no bedroom of her own. Her brother does however. She is a woman now.[/QU


CPS ever been called? Visited the father's house? Talked to your daughter? Is her father in the room while she is changing? Is he secretly videotaping it? This is just always so creepy. I hope you dd just keeps refusing to visit in the future. Its so awful.

[meemee]

[QUOTE=homewithtwinsmama;15926074]

Originally Posted by Jyotsna

Smeep:

She is 10, has to change in her father's bedroom. She has no bedroom of her own. Her brother does however. She is a woman now.[/QU


CPS ever been called? Visited the father's house? Talked to your daughter? Is her father in the room while she is changing? Is he secretly videotaping it? This is just always so creepy. I hope you dd just keeps refusing to visit in the future. Its so awful.

mama go read thru old posts to find out the back story. there is a lot. mostly failure of authorities to really do anything. due to a variety of reasons.