Tell me this gets easier

[haydn'smommy]

I want to hate him. At times I do hate him. That makes it easier. But then we spend time together and we talk and we laugh and we play with the kids and we make plans for this and that, and I want to scream "why? why are you doing this? what is so wrong here that you feel like your only way to be happy is to destroy this? what is wrong with you? hell, what is wrong with me?"
Today is my birthday and he gives me my birthday present last night. I open the card half expecting one of those "To My Beautiful Wife" cards that I had gotten for every holiday, birthday, etc for the last 8 yrs. You know, the one that says how wonderful his life is, how happy he is with me; the one he always would tell me was how he felt about me. Well, it wasn't. It was a generic "It's Your Birthday!" card, and my heart sunk a little.
I know that this divorce is probably the best thing that could have happened to me and even for my boys (my STBX is just toxic and negative), and I really don't want to be with him anymore. But for some reason those good, seemingly normal times just smack me in the face and leave me raw. I just want those times to go away.

[Hollycrand]

With time things get better.

[sparklefairy]

Yes, it gets easier.

I suggest with all gentleness that it gets easier faster without contact beyond the necessary kid-and-schedule communication. After a few months of that (plus getting invested in my own future), I was able to have other conversations with my ex without the hurt and the "why god why?" feeling. We still don't socialize together but it would be no problem for me to attend official events (awards ceremenies, graduations) with him present as well.

[smeep]

I had similar moments with an ex of mine. It hurt a LOT. It was several months before it finally clicked for me and I was able to completely let go. However I was fortunate to have no ties so I didn't have to continue to see him. But I do understand your pain, I really do. You just need time, as cliche as that sounds.

[mommy_to_2angels]

I'm sorry for what you are going through. I can't say I understand, really, because I was the one that ended it. But I do understand the feelings, where he is so sweet you wonder why it is that it didn't work. But then he would do something that reminded me what it was that ended it. It gets easier with time. It will hurt but just remember that no matter how horrible it is, you have those babies and they will bring you joy in those times of despair. I know mine do, at least.