Getting angry with those that "Don't Get it"

[BeantownBaby9]

sorry need to rant and get ideas from moms who go through this.

Yesterday we're at a family party and talk turns to next summer's vacation. Idea is go back to Myrtle Beach where we all camped every summer in the 80s. I start asking questions and it looks like they want to drive the 12 hrs and then rent there. I am translating in my head what this means for us. Mild SPD 3 yr old that may or may not still nap next summer in a car for 12 + hours = FML. So I say if thats what they want to do, Chase and I will likely fly. Then one of our mom's chimes in that "Chase is no different than my kids at that age". Grrrrr then the boiling starts and the steam is nearly coming out of my ears. I missed this woman's granddaughters 4th birthday b/c he couldn't manage a 30 min car ride when he was a month old. Their annual 4th of july party we were late too b/c his meltdown in the car was so bad and he was almost catatonic, we were contemplating taking him to the ER, I thought he'd had a seizure. I turned to her and said "He is different, your children didn't have Sensory Processing Disorder. He has never handled the car well" and then she repeats herself that he's no different. I wanted to crawl out of my skin I was so infuriated. Lady, I have $15k worth of docs, tests, supplements, therapy and about 7 total days of STTN his whole life that say my kid is a little different. Thank god my dad was sitting next to me and says "Its hard for me to understand hun, so she will never get it, drop it, its not worth it." But this isnt the only time this has happened. My whole car ride home, I was fuming. And of course I had a dream last night of telling off a whole room full of people, not just her.

So how do you do it? How do you reconcile when some of your closest family brush you off or don't even give the diagnosis a second thought? I am tempted to email her and tell her that her comments hurt my feelings. I just hate how these family gatherings always make me want to punch a hole in a wall when I am done.

[dakotablue]

i just wanted to give you a hug

no advice. I don't have a child with SN. I used to work with them and I remember wanted to take a bat to some peoples heads, and they weren't even family and they weren't my child. I can't imagine.

[Lisa1970]

I have learned to not bring up any special needs as a reason for anything, if at all possible. How about just saying "we are going to fly" and then when they question it, just say you have points on your credit card you need to use up and DS has always wanted to fly so you are doing that, or something like that.

I hate hate hate 12 hr drives. We have been cancelling trips because I find those drives to be too long and miserable.

I know it is too late to change what you already said, but if I were you, next time it comes up, just say you are going to fly because you want to.

Good luck!!

[ImaSophie]

My 4 year old has a dx of SPD and the way I deal with it is to ignore it and keep on trucking. I don't try to make them get it and I do my best to let it go and not get angry over it.

My little sister does not get it at all and the final straw was when she told me (back when he was younger) if I would just stop breast feeding and turn his car seat around (we nursed and extend RF'd until he was over two) he would be fine. That night I went home and sobbed out of sheer fury. Then I realized she just didn't understand and nothing I said or showed her, no matter how many doctors he had seen or what his ST, OT or dev ped said was going to convince her SPD is real. I decided to just let it go and continue to take care of my children and not to worry about what people that do not get it think. No sense getting mad or arguing with them over it.

My four year old has asthma, allergies, a mild heart murmur, and SPD between him and my oldest (a very high spirited emotional kiddo himself) I have more then enough on my plate then to take my focus off my family to convince insensitive family or friends that SPD is a real DX.

I also agree do not bring the special needs up when it comes to why you are or are not going to do something.

[Maiasaura]

Originally Posted by BeantownBaby9

So I say if thats what they want to do, Chase and I will likely fly. Then one of our mom's chimes in that "Chase is no different than my kids at that age". Grrrrr then the boiling starts and the steam is nearly coming out of my ears.

You will learn to mellow out, mama It's so hard. My ds9 has ADHD in a HUGE way, and it's beyond annoying to come upon people who don't believe it exists
I finally got family straightened out, and now I have a relationship with someone who thinks it's bullsh!t. Whatever. He'll figure it out, but I hope in the meanwhile he doesn't ruin a potentially great relationship!

I agree with a PP who said to just state what you are going to do, no explanations needed. It sounds like you did that, and the other mom chimed in with something that's none of anyone's beeswax and was uncalled for and possibly trying to start something.
That was a "pass the bean dip" moment

You'll continue to be annoyed and angry through the years...but it's wise to keep it in your head, kwim? It's like any issue, breastfeeding, co-sleeping, homeschooling...people have opinions and they don't hesitate to blurt them right out but WE don't have to react to it.

Just stick to the facts "We may choose to fly". Why? Because you want to. 'Nuff said, end of sentence, move on. If someone keeps at it, you can always say "This topic is closed. I don't want to discuss it. Next topic!"

For next time, if a thing is in the planning that is that far out, I wouldn't even mention how we might choose to get there. I would just keep hushed and let the conversation roll on, without me, thinking to myself "Yeah, uh-huh, 12hrs in the car; we're flying" but not SAYING it, kwim?

I'm sorry you are dealing with that. Family can be such a pain.

[limabean]

Originally Posted by Maiasaura

For next time, if a thing is in the planning that is that far out, I wouldn't even mention how we might choose to get there. I would just keep hushed and let the conversation roll on, without me, thinking to myself "Yeah, uh-huh, 12hrs in the car; we're flying" but not SAYING it, kwim?

Yeah, I agree that's a good way to handle it. But I would be upset too OP. I mean, why does anyone else care how you'd get there? It's not like you refused to go on the trip at all. I don't have a SN child, and we still choose to fly for anything that would be more than 8 hours by car (and we sometimes even choose to fly to the place that's 8 hours away). Even if your DS were "just like" her kids at that age, 12 hours in a car is A LOT for anyone, especially a 3-year-old! It's bizarre to me that someone wouldn't be understanding of that.

[kathteach]

Sometimes I think people just don't get it because somehow it would be threatening to them to really understand what our kids go through and what we go through. I know before I had my son my first instinct was to think parents magnified or even made up their kids' issues, and I don't know why I was that way but I think it's human nature.

I think it was really unfeeling that when you tried to explain your son's issues she absolutely denied it to your face and basically said you were full of it. It's none of her business and she doesn't know your son and her comments were inflammatory in my opinion.

I've given up trying to make people understand, my own family is clueless, what can you do. It hurts, you just do your best for your son and find people who understand. I'm sorry.

[SpottedFoxx]

Hopefully you can find your way to gratefulness. By that I mean, be grateful she's a clueless person. It just means she doesn't share your struggles in life. It's quite rare for someone who isn't going through "it" to get it. Whatever your "it" is.

I went through infertility and adopted my son. The comments were ridiculous. But the vast majority of the people making them weren't coming from a place of anger or hate - they were coming from a place of ignorance. I learned a very valuable phrase that applies in just about any situation involving another person's ignorance...

"what a strange thing to say"

"Your son is just like my son at that age"
"what a strange thing to say"
"what do you mean"

"well, we see you x times a year so you really don't know my son. You're not an active part of our lives. You don't see what we go through on a daily basis, you haven't attended doctor's and specialist and therapy appointments with us. I just think it's a very strange thing compare two obviously very different children. If you disagree, then I'd be happy to share the names and phone numbers of my son's specialists so you can get your child tested."

[Maiasaura]

Originally Posted by SpottedFoxx

"what a strange thing to say"

"Your son is just like my son at that age"
"what a strange thing to say"
"what do you mean"

"well, we see you x times a year so you really don't know my son. You're not an active part of our lives. You don't see what we go through on a daily basis, you haven't attended doctor's and specialist and therapy appointments with us. I just think it's a very strange thing compare two obviously very different children. If you disagree, then I'd be happy to share the names and phone numbers of my son's specialists so you can get your child tested."

Gawd, that's just brilliant

[Aufilia]

I feel for you. My parents don't really "get" the SPD thing either even though they are around my daughter ALL the time. They still seem to cling to the ridiculous idea that if I'd just made sure there was more noise in our house when she was a baby, she would not be such a sensitive sleeper now. Riiiiiight.

Personally I think the other mom was out of line. Why does she even need to care how you get there, OR why you choose to fly? Heck, I wouldn't drive 12 hours in the car with or without kids if I could help it. DH's family lives about that far away, and we have driven it exactly once in twelve years of marriage, and only because somebody died and we couldn't the cost of plane tickets on such short notice.

[Casha'sMommy]

This thread is perfectly timed for me. I've been contemplating writing a letter to those family members who don't believe dd is different but what to say. Every time I begin I end up deleting most of what I write because it gets more and more angry.
At least I know I'm not alone.

[Emmeline II]

If it is someone really important to you then it may be worth it to take them to an appointment, but with some "random" relative? You'd probably just be spinning your wheels.

"Chase is no different than my kids at that age".
"Yes, he is different, and I have 15K in medical bills to prove it. I'll show you mine if you show me yours--though I guess we'll have to account for inflation."

My sister's ILs have long thought they could "cure" her PDD-NOS son who is at the mental level of a 3yo and still wears diapers. Though he has been living with the ILs for a few years (loooong story) he hasn't changed a bit.

[aslyn]

Originally Posted by SpottedFoxx

"well, we see you x times a year so you really don't know my son. You're not an active part of our lives. You don't see what we go through on a daily basis, you haven't attended doctor's and specialist and therapy appointments with us. I just think it's a very strange thing compare two obviously very different children. If you disagree, then I'd be happy to share the names and phone numbers of my son's specialists so you can get your child tested."

I spit coffee at my screen!!!!!

OP I can relate and can only say while my DD may not have SPD (I suspect it but no dx since hers is a full spectrum of "cognative disability")..the big wtf ever is how I deal with people when they say "oh she will outgrow it" or "she looks perfectly normal to me" and then I think gee have you tried to have a conversation with her other than "Hello how are you?", I bet the very well paid experts that work with her day in and out would disagree with you!

[SpottedFoxx]

I get being angry - really I do - but you are doing harm to yourself and your child. It's frustrating but think about that time when you weren't the parent of a special needs child. You may have made the same ridiculous comments yourself because you were trying to comfort the parent and that's all you could think to say.

I don't think the majority of these people are malicious in their statements. As I said, they are coming from a place of ignorance. I, for one, am glad. I am glad that their children have never caused them to lay awake at night wondering why, how, am I doing everything I can, etc. I am thrilled that they don't have my doctor's bills and appointments. I am thrilled they have the luxury of reading a "real" book instead of books on auditory processing disorders, ADHD, SPD, etc.

Every now and then, you may get blessed with a wonderful person (s) who just gets it right off the bat. Treasure those people. For the others, try to educate when possible and when it's not possible just walk away. Remember, regardless of your child's abilities or disabilities, they look to us to learn how to deal with the world.

[marge234]

Even if you give her the benefit of the doubt and assume no malicious intent, her comments are hostile and OP shouldn't feel she has to put up with it. Just because someone means well doesn't mean you have to take ABUSE from them. And this woman's behavior is abusive.

Seriously OP, if you can't see a way to avoid her attacks, I'd limit contact with this woman (your mother?). You have enough on your plate without eating crap like this. "When I talk about what's going on with DS and you contradict me, it is very upsetting. I've talked about your refusal to acknowledge DSs condition with others whose children have these problems. They tell me that eventually you'll come around, or I'll get strong enough not to be bothered by ignorant statements. Until one of those things happen I think it makes sense to limit contact."

This woman's lousy comments (even if you were nuts and making it up, what harm would it do to humor you? Who cares if you fly? She clearly doesn't get that grandparent relationships aren't an entitlement. She can't have a good relationship with her grandson if she doesn't have a good relationship with you) are aggravating. But the advice that you should learn how to indulge her, and teach that to your son, for some reason really pushes my buttons. Yes children learn from their parents that it's often best to turn the other cheek. But they also learn how to take care of themselves and set limits. These things aren't mutually exclusive.

[SpottedFoxx]

Marge - where did I say it was?

If she answers with anger and venom - the child may one day wonder "what is wrong with me". If she educates or uses the "what an odd thing to say", the child may one day wonder "what is wrong with that person?"

Believe me - I've put up with a ton of ignorant comments from ignorant people ranging from "oh, when you adopt, you'll get pregnant then", to "which one of you was defective" to "how much did you pay for your child".

I could be angry. What's the point? Who does it help? Her comments were ignorant - not hostile. It's not abusive in any way shape or form.

No one wants their loved ones to be in pain. No one wants their loved ones to suffer. No one wants their loved ones to be inconvenienced. Her argument, while delivered in an ignorant fashion says to me that she doesn't want her to be inconvenienced so she argued with her decision to fly. Not saying she handled it right or well but unless there is a bad history between the OP and this woman, I'd imagine she just doesn't know how to handle herself well in these situations.

Like the people who told my dear friend, who had just lost her son at 10 weeks to SIDS that "it was Gd's plan" or that "you can have another". They meant no ill will or harm but just couldn't frame the words properly.

[Maiasaura]

Originally Posted by marge234

"When I talk about what's going on with DS and you contradict me, it is very upsetting. I've talked about your refusal to acknowledge DSs condition with others whose children have these problems. They tell me that eventually you'll come around, or I'll get strong enough not to be bothered by ignorant statements. Until one of those things happen I think it makes sense to limit contact."

I'd probably just shorten it to the following:

"When I talk about what's going on with DS and you contradict me, it is very upsetting. Until this stops, I think it makes sense to limit contact."

I've found, over the years, that the less talk the better. People just hear "blah blah blah" especially if we're still justifying what we do (or how our children are), which is what the statements about talking with others that have similar children is, kwim?

When ds was little (he's 9 now), I mean under 2, he wasn't any less hyper than he is now, it just manifested differently. He was into everything. We couldn't go anywhere without him trashing people's CD collections, pulling stuff out of wherever, making huge messes, eating inappropriate stuff, smashing things on the floor.
He couldn't help it--that's just how he is. Add to that I'm the kind of parent who believes in utterly babyproofing, so the kid can explore his universe, and add to THAT that my mom is of a different stripe altogether (teach the child "no" and slap hand when he doesn't listen), it made for very bad visits.
We lived about 2 hours from her at the time. I spent all my time, when at her house, one step ahead of my child keeping things away from him.
Finally I had to tell her "Look, if you want to actually visit, you're going to have to come here. DS can roam freely in my house and not get into stuff, and you and I can actually get to hang out and talk. It's much less stressful that way, for both of us".
A not-so-roundabout way of telling her I was not coming to her house anymore till DS was older.
It worked-- and it also helped her to babyproof her house a little more, cause she doesn't like driving all that much

Originally Posted by SpottedFoxx

Believe me - I've put up with a ton of ignorant comments from ignorant people ranging from "oh, when you adopt, you'll get pregnant then", to "which one of you was defective" to "how much did you pay for your child".

Wow. I'm sorry. That's awful.

I could be angry. What's the point? Who does it help? Her comments were ignorant - not hostile. It's not abusive in any way shape or form.

It can be construed as abusive, depending on the person, the situation, and the background of the person on the receiving end.

There are people who just.will.not.stop. getting into other people's business about how they raise their children.

It's exhausting, not to mention anger-fostering-- I'm 50 and my DP is 53 and he's already raised 2 kids, who are grown now. I have a 9yo and he's my only child.

DP has a totally different philosophy about kids, and how to raise them, and about ADHD (it doesn't exist ), and he fails to realize, a lot of the time, that it's my turn to raise my kid how I see fit, and he's already had his turn.
I utterly see red sometimes when I'm frustrated over something ds has done, or is doing, and DP chimes in with how I should handle it, and it's much more heavy-handed that I would do

I take offense to it, and it makes me UBER angry sometimes. Since we're in a partnership, we are working all that stuff out (and yes, in a good way) but if it were a random person? OMG I would not want to take it lying down.

Thankfully most of the time I've learned to be diplomatic. But that was through a LOT of trial and error over 9-1/2 years.

Like the people who told my dear friend, who had just lost her son at 10 weeks to SIDS that "it was Gd's plan" or that "you can have another". They meant no ill will or harm but just couldn't frame the words properly.

Oh, man, for your friend.

In that kind of situation, though, I'd have to muster up the guts to say something like "I know you mean well, but that's not helpful right now. What I need is <fill in the blank-- Hug? Silence? Coffee? Go away?>

[peaceful_mama]

Horrible

go see my post for today....the one where I'm trying to find out if I was lied to last spring about my son's IEP. Yeah....people who just don't get it...even professionals can just not GET IT.

I KNEW, I just KNEW somehow that kindy might bring out some new difficulties. Once again, the mama instinct wins.

[SpottedFoxx]

"When I talk about what's going on with DS and you contradict me, it is very upsetting. Until this stops, I think it makes sense to limit contact."

Perfect. I agree - the less you speak the more they can and will retain. I hear where you are coming from in the anger. For me, I have found that it's more productive to do a little to educate (and if receptive continue) or to just separate myself from that person. I have ended many friendship over the years due to toxicity.

Growing up, my parents fostered many toxic relationships. I never learned that I didn't have to deal with bad behavior from anyone. That's not a legacy I want to pass down to my son. Hopefully my actions will speak volumes to him.

Plus, life is too short to spend time with mean people.

[Casha'sMommy]

OP, you haven't posted since your op so I hope you're still reading this.

It's totally ok to just rant about these things. It's not easy being who we have to be every.single.day of our childrens lives.
We don't always have to have the right answer or correct response. It's absolutely ok to lose it on people from time to time. We're not all always perfect. That's what makes us human.

s