What do you do when your kids call you names?

[mom2happy]

Im talking about the ages of 5-8 years old.
When ever my DD doesnt get her way she calls me names like:
You horrible
You ugly mom
Your the worst
You wretched (she got that from a story book and thinks its the worst thing you can call anyone- It would be equivalent to being called a piece of sh**!)
She has been doing this for over a year and what Im doing isnt helping.
Every time she does it (which is EVERY time she doesnt get her way, I say,
It's not ok to call names. I dont call you names, blah blah blah.
Doesnt work.
I even tried a mean words jar. Its full of all her money and she doesnt care.
Now my little boy is starting to do it. I dont know why this is such a problem. WHat the heck?

[Drummer's Wife]

"I'm sorry you are so upset and feel that way. I love you."

I just try not to get into an argument or power struggle with them. If they want to say they hate me or I'm horrible, I try to validate their feelings, while letting them know I still love them. Sometimes I will say, "that's not a nice thing to say to someone" or the equivilant, but again, I don't want to be going back and forth with them about it. They are usually calling me something b/c they want a reaction out of me, yk?

So, for me, with four kids who don't always think life is fair, I take the more ignore and stay calm approach, and they usually sulk a bit b/c they didn't get to push my buttons as they hoped. My 3 yo will usually hug me and say he's sorry. His common thing is saying he hates me if he doesn't get his way. It's like he realizes he feels bad about it afterwards, though, which is neat to me b/c he still seems so little to me.

[Cujobunny]

I tell them those words hurt my feelings and I don't like that and I walk away. Usually I give them a warning: "If you call me a name again I'm going to move away from you". My 3yo calls me names and sometimes I will move her to a different spot and tell her when she's ready to be nice she can join us again. My 5yo doesn't do it as much as she does.

I don't think it's a bad thing to teach kids to not allow others to disrespect them- if they call another kid a name, the kid isn't going to want to play with them so that's kind of what I'm trying to teach them at home.

[mom2happy]

Originally Posted by Cujobunny

I tell them those words hurt my feelings and I don't like that and I walk away. Usually I give them a warning: "If you call me a name again I'm going to move away from you". My 3yo calls me names and sometimes I will move her to a different spot and tell her when she's ready to be nice she can join us again. My 5yo doesn't do it as much as she does.

I don't think it's a bad thing to teach kids to not allow others to disrespect them- if they call another kid a name, the kid isn't going to want to play with them so that's kind of what I'm trying to teach them at home.

This worked for me too, till DD was about 5.

[kindchen]

What do you do for other serious offenses? How strongly do you feel about the name calling?

My child talking to me like that would push my every button. You didn't say how old your children are, but if an eight-year-old spoke to me like that, I would use whatever discipline strategy I would choose if that child were violently hitting me. I would also ask myself what underlying issue is causing her to think she can treat other people like that.

But that's just me--we all have behaviors we cannot and will not tolerate, and being verbally berated is one of mine. I know that in some families, name-calling isn't that big a deal, and if my child were being silly and called me a stupid-head or something, I would laugh it off. But an older child berating me every time she does not get what she wants would be taken very seriously in my household. I am extremely respectful of my children, and I expect them to treat me with basic courtesy.

Does your DD know what she should do when she is angry and doesn't get what she wants? Is it okay for her to yell that she is really mad, or go beat a pillow with a tennis racket or something? I think in your situation I would give her some specific alternatives. If she chose to continue berating me, she would learn that very angry mom is not fun to be around.

[LynnS6]

Originally Posted by Cujobunny

I tell them those words hurt my feelings and I don't like that and I walk away. Usually I give them a warning: "If you call me a name again I'm going to move away from you".

Yep, that's what we do to. "I see that you're mad, but those words are rude. They hurt my feelings. I don't want to be around you when you hurt me."

Sometimes we send dd to her room and sometimes we simply leave. The other thing is that the less power you give those words (i.e. the more calmly you react), the sooner they'll go by. You should do whatever discipline you feel is appropriate, but don't overreact.

[moondiapers]

An 8yo would get sent to her room until she can behave with common decency, a 5yo and under I would tell that it wasn't ok and I'd move away from them.

[4evermom]

I did all the "right" things when ds was younger. They just didn't work at all. Now, I just say "It runs in the family, kid."

Ds never really could relate to words hurting people's feelings. Maybe because they don't tend to hurt his. Most name calling isn't a trigger for me, either. So calmly stating he was hurting my feelings, or I didn't like that, never worked. What ds is really hoping for is a reaction. He would get more and more outrageous trying to get one. Sometimes, I'd humor him and give him an over the top one (pretend to be mad at him). He wants me to know he's angry and acknowledge it, but not in a calm "I see you are upset" sort of way. He finds my pretend outrage satisfying.

Other times, I resort to the old "I'm rubber and you're glue" rhyme. Sometimes, I say "Well, you're a son of a ____," inserting his insult word du jour. He finds those replies aggravating but we usually escalate it to something completely silly and end up laughing.

On one level, I think these sort of wise ass replies are really useful for modeling to kids how to handle being called names. I've even noticed ds use my other response, a chipper "thank you" as if it were really a compliment, on other kids. It makes them laugh and they don't get the reaction they are looking for by insulting ds. Consequently, they don't continue to do it.

[_ktg_]

Like another PP noted - just don't give power to the words. DH gets in a tizzy when DS1 he's 4.5 but wow knows how to pack a verbal punch.

Mostly I just respond with a "Ok, noted" and keep moving through whatever I am doing before outburst and tantrum. No reaction, no emotion. If it goes to further jabs - I simply say I'm walking away as I don't want to be around the name-calling.

[Callimom]

If my child(ren) ever did that it would push every button I have. I don't think there is any place for that kind of disrespect in a healthy relationship.

I think I would try a different tact than "those words aren't nice and they hurt my feelings" because most kids know they aren't nice and hurting your feelings is exactly what they are trying to do because they lack more appropriate and healthy ways to express what is going on for them. Ignoring the words or the power they hold doesn't teach our kids how to make better choices imo.

So I would probably try a three pronged approach.

One is I would (and do) tell my kids that their words do have power. Words used to intentionally hurt others are never an acceptable choice. Words used to hurt someone you love also hurt you - because it puts distance in your relationship and take us away from what we really want - connection and they take us away from being our best selves.

Second I would go over the specifics of the situation with them - what they were feeling, how they could have expressed their needs in order to get what they want, what the effect of making poor word choices were (disconnection, they didn't get what they wanted, they felt worse, they hurt someone they loved) and how they plan to repair the damage their words caused.

Lastly I would really work on identifying emotions, strategies for communicating them effectively and ways to diffuse situations where this kind of behaviour happens so they could learn how to manage their emotions better.

And then we would work on reconnecting - because I think if my kids were using that kind of language in their family, then they are feeling disconnected.

I would have these conversations when things are calm. I would probably come up with some kind of code word to stop the snowball of emotions. Perhaps if she says something unkind you could say: Rewind and try to say that in a more appropriate way and in a way that is more likely to get you want you want.

As a parent I would try to make sure that she is getting opportunities for control in her life and also that she is getting some context for why she can't have her way. That has gone a long way in helping my kids understand and manage their disappointment when things don't always go their way.

good luck
Karen

[MusicianDad]

I make it into a joke... Really, that has been, in my experience, the best way to deal with name calling from a wide variety of people children included.

"You're ugly" would probably get "that's what you think now, wait until I take my mask off!"

[Needle in the Hay]

Well, the thing is, the people saying "IF my kid ever did that... " don't know what it's like to have a kid who DOES do it so I'm not sure how much they get it. I really recommend the book The Explosive Child by Ross Greene. Name-calling is one type of explosive behavior and the answer is not punishment. That book helped us a lot.

I just asked my son what he thinks and he said if you want to have kids who are nice and polite you should never punish. He said you need to help them learn to control their temper. I think that's what that book really helps with and it's also important to control your own temper. If the name-calling is pushing your buttons (to quote some PPs) then that's part of the problem (not that anyone expects you to be OK with the name-calling, but to me, "pushing my buttons" indicates an upset reaction of some sort).

[mom2happy]

OP here
I just want to say that I agree with everything 100% that you say, but none of this comes close to stopping this problem.


[QUOTE]

Originally Posted by Karenwith4

If my child(ren) ever did that it would push every button I have. I don't think there is any place for that kind of disrespect in a healthy relationship.

I think I would try a different tact than "those words aren't nice and they hurt my feelings" because most kids know they aren't nice and hurting your feelings is exactly what they are trying to do because they lack more appropriate and healthy ways to express what is going on for them. Ignoring the words or the power they hold doesn't teach our kids how to make better choices imo.

So I would probably try a three pronged approach.

One is I would (and do) tell my kids that their words do have power. Words used to intentionally hurt others are never an acceptable choice. Words used to hurt someone you love also hurt you - because it puts distance in your relationship and take us away from what we really want - connection and they take us away from being our best selves.

Yes, she is clear on this and still cant control herself.

Second I would go over the specifics of the situation with them - what they were feeling, how they could have expressed their needs in order to get what they want, what the effect of making poor word choices were (disconnection, they didn't get what they wanted, they felt worse, they hurt someone they loved) and how they plan to repair the damage their words caused.

We do this lovingly every single time.

Lastly I would really work on identifying emotions, strategies for communicating them effectively and ways to diffuse situations where this kind of behaviour happens so they could learn how to manage their emotions better.

This is my non stop job and Im exhuasted. Most of the time it works, but not when Im nursing the baby. I can identify and communicate, but cant interact enough to diffuse when the situation gets out of control- sibling fighting, not getting her way....

And then we would work on reconnecting - because I think if my kids were using that kind of language in their family, then they are feeling disconnected.

thing is, she is connected and just doesnt deal with not getting her way or her brother bothering her.

I would have these conversations when things are calm. I would probably come up with some kind of code word to stop the snowball of emotions. Perhaps if she says something unkind you could say: Rewind and try to say that in a more appropriate way and in a way that is more likely to get you want you want.

We did the code word. She came up with her own outlets for anger, but says nothing works as good as screaming names at me/ or brother or about us.
I even did the lets start over thing- she'll do it, but in the end she still got to say the bad things which really is how she wants to handle it.

As a parent I would try to make sure that she is getting opportunities for control in her life and also that she is getting some context for why she can't have her way. That has gone a long way in helping my kids understand and manage their disappointment when things don't always go their way.

Maybe I gave her too much control?
She basically has a hard time with a lot in life and Im very empathetic and understanding. She had a hard time seeing past herself. Im thinking she might have an impulse control problem.
All of your aproaches and the others that I agree with do nothing to help.
She will be ticking along perfectly fine until she gets upset.
I try my best to ease her anxiety, but when things like the sound of her brothers voice enrage her, there is only so much I can do.
We have good days where there arent so many flare ups, but those are the days when everything went comfortably for her.

I also want to say that all of these methods work with DS (5 yrs old), but now that he has been seeing DD do this for so long, he is picking up on it and its really not fair for him.

[NightOwlwithowlet]

Okay, this is what worked with my son when he was 6 to 7. DS has ADHD and at the time he was in kindergarten, he was being bullied. While we were aware of the bullying and were working with the school and the teacher to resolve it, we weren't aware of how bad it was. He recently mentioned the kid hit him and until now I had no idea there was any physical violence involved.

At that point in his life, DS overreacted to any stressors by crying, losing his temper, and calling his dad and I names. While I understood he did it because he felt safe with us, it wasn't okay.

The best thing that worked was to calmly say that was unacceptable and to have him sit down in a quiet place until he was calm. It sounds a lot like a time out, but it was really to give him a minute to get himself together. There were not warnings, or "if you do that again". If he did it, he went to sit down and take 10 deep breaths. Since he's very sweet and empathetic as well as quick tempered and impulsive, he was usually deeply remorseful by then.

We also worked with him and a therapist to help him learn to control his temper and self regulate. The therapist also worked with us to learn to model better behavior. DH and I don't call each other names, but we are both quick tempered and impulsive ourselves. Once the bullying was stopped and we found holistic ways to treat his ADHD, almost all that behavior has resolved over the last year or so.

[sunnmama]

We've been through the explosive child stuff. Dd is much more even now, at 9.

Nasty names are much like a verbal smack, and I treat them as such. At 8, my response would be a short, stern "Unacceptable. You need to walk away." I'd enforce the walking away.

It doesn't have to be a formal "time out", but she needs to pick a different space, and "get it together" before coming back. It's just good practice for what to do when you feel like you are going to lose it.

A good book she might relate to is "When Sophie gets Angry, Really, Really Angry" by Molly Bang.

[4evermom]

Originally Posted by Needle in the Hay

Well, the thing is, the people saying "IF my kid ever did that... " don't know what it's like to have a kid who DOES do it so I'm not sure how much they get it. I really recommend the book The Explosive Child by Ross Greene. Name-calling is one type of explosive behavior and the answer is not punishment. That book helped us a lot.

Seriously. My child would never just go to his room. He wouldn't care in the moment whether I threatened to take away his computer if he didn't comply. That would just escalate his outrage. I'd have to use physical force and have a lock on the door. And that does not take our relationship where I want it to go. It also turns name calling into such an out of proportion serious thing. Yeah, it's not nice but the adult has to keep it in perspective. It's not coming from a person in power. The child's feeling that they have little power is what makes using insults so attractive. They don't have physical power so they are experimenting with a verbal version. And it's only as powerful as you let it be.

Everybody tells kids who complain about other kids calling them names that it's just words. "Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me." Yet, if they do it to their parent, it's zero tolerance? I'm modeling that it is just words. No, this doesn't make ds feel free to insult friends. Kids are smart. They know people won't play with them if they aren't nice. However, parents are still going to be parents if they aren't nice to them.

And it does teach ds how to handle being insulted in an appropriate way. He doesn't take it to heart and feel crushed. He doesn't feel horrified and give the other kids the reaction that would encourage them to continue. He doesn't go to the nearest adult and complain that so and so called him a such and such (which would be fine. I don't believe in telling kids not to tattle tale or to not go to adults for help. But it's nice when they don't need to.)

My ds does not have an explosive temperament but he does get angry when he feels something is unjust. Not taking it too seriously and keeping my humor goes a long way. I don't know if it would be quite as effective for an explosive child. Humor is a tricky thing that can make a child more angry if not handled right for the situation. But it sure works for us!

[sunnmama]

Originally Posted by 4evermom

:My ds does not have an explosive temperament but he does get angry when he feels something is unjust. Not taking it too seriously and keeping my humor goes a long way. I don't know if it would be quite as effective for an explosive child. Humor is a tricky thing that can make a child more angry if not handled right for the situation. But it sure works for us!

It is different with explosive kids. I have one of each, and it is SO different.

My son is only 3, but dd was already explosive at 3. When ds tries out names and insults, I respond with "Maybe YOU are a poopyhead, every think of that?! " and he stops tantrumming and starts laughing. If I'd said that to dd at this age, she would have been completely enraged.

[4evermom]

Originally Posted by sunnmama

It is different with explosive kids. I have one of each, and it is SO different.

I believe it! I know I'm not dealing with an explosive child and I know humor can make some kids angrier. I think there still a place for humor in there somewhere but not while an explosive child is angry...

Originally Posted by sunnmama

My son is only 3, but dd was already explosive at 3. When ds tries out names and insults, I respond with "Maybe YOU are a poopyhead, every think of that?! " and he stops tantrumming and starts laughing. If I'd said that to dd at this age, she would have been completely enraged.

My ds doesn't necessarily switch to laughing, and he might initially act a little angrier. But he does not get enraged, either. He'll verbalize that I'm aggravating him. But then he'll stop with the insults. And I can tell he is not unamused. It's pretty much a game with us at this point. If I come up with a good reply, he'll say "Good one, Mom!"

[mom2happy]

Originally Posted by sunnmama

We've been through the explosive child stuff. Dd is much more even now, at 9.

Nasty names are much like a verbal smack, and I treat them as such. At 8, my response would be a short, stern "Unacceptable. You need to walk away." I'd enforce the walking away.

This is exactly how I feel (verbally smacked)
I do say unacceptable, or not okay and tell her go move away from me.
She still does it.

It doesn't have to be a formal "time out", but she needs to pick a different space, and "get it together" before coming back. It's just good practice for what to do when you feel like you are going to lose it.

She will get it together every time and come back, but it still isnt resolving the next situation and there are many all day.

A good book she might relate to is "When Sophie gets Angry, Really, Really Angry" by Molly Bang.

I took your advice from another post and did get this book.
I read it to her with her other books one night and didnt even say anything about it. SHe came to me and said when I get angry Im going to go outside and collect rocks to feel better. I told her I thought that was great. So, now she yells out the name or hits her brother and then goes out and collects rocks. She comes back in all brand new. I tried telling her the point of having a way to cool off is to avoid hurting someone elses feelings or body.
She just says she cant help it and thats the only way she gets rid of the anger. This has been going on for a year and it is so hard to deal with.
I love when her teachers say she is the model child.
I ask her why she can be so nice to everyone at school. She says because she is too shy and would be embarassed to act the way she does at home.
Sometimes I think she might have a problem and that its not her fault, but when I hear this all the time and see her around strangers Im not so sure.
So, doesnt that actually rule out impulse control problems?

[_ktg_]

Originally Posted by 4evermom

Seriously. My child would never just go to his room. He wouldn't care in the moment whether I threatened to take away his computer if he didn't comply. That would just escalate his outrage. I'd have to use physical force and have a lock on the door. And that does not take our relationship where I want it to go. It also turns name calling into such an out of proportion serious thing. Yeah, it's not nice but the adult has to keep it in perspective. It's not coming from a person in power. The child's feeling that they have little power is what makes using insults so attractive. They don't have physical power so they are experimenting with a verbal version. And it's only as powerful as you let it be.

Everybody tells kids who complain about other kids calling them names that it's just words. "Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me." Yet, if they do it to their parent, it's zero tolerance? I'm modeling that it is just words. No, this doesn't make ds feel free to insult friends. Kids are smart. They know people won't play with them if they aren't nice. However, parents are still going to be parents if they aren't nice to them.

And it does teach ds how to handle being insulted in an appropriate way. He doesn't take it to heart and feel crushed. He doesn't feel horrified and give the other kids the reaction that would encourage them to continue. He doesn't go to the nearest adult and complain that so and so called him a such and such (which would be fine. I don't believe in telling kids not to tattle tale or to not go to adults for help. But it's nice when they don't need to.)

My ds does not have an explosive temperament but he does get angry when he feels something is unjust. Not taking it too seriously and keeping my humor goes a long way. I don't know if it would be quite as effective for an explosive child. Humor is a tricky thing that can make a child more angry if not handled right for the situation. But it sure works for us!

This my thoughts on the matter, either you can give these actions power or choose not to... I've seen my DH send DS1 to his room for being verbally aggressive and it backfires everytime. Both of them just get ratched up in terms of emotion and it comes down to a power struggle when it shouldn't. DS1 is then in tears for being in TO and DH is PO'd because he feels his son isn't respecting him when he uses those words