What do you do when your kids call you names? - Page 3

[melisssaparker46]

I'm shocked. 5-8 years old kids can say that? Well, of course you should ask the kid why he/she said those things to you. And if you did something wrong you should say sorry. Afterwards, tell him/her that what he/she said is not nice and can hurt someone's feelings.

[mom2happy]

DD is 7 yrs old. Sorry I keep forgetting to mention that.

After last nights restaurant situation I told DD I needed some time by myself because of the way she treated me. She went in her room and drew pictures and then came out and told me how much she loves me. We had a long talk, like we always do. She sits on my lap and we cuddle and she is the sweetest thing in the whole world. I tell her in a million ways how much I love her and we totally connect.
This is what always happens.
This morning I had to wake her up for school and it looked like she might be in rare form. She was lieing on the floor saying she was too tired. I just tended to my housework knowing that no matter what I say or do when she says that it could cause her to flip.
She came out all dressed and was an angel all morning. Even when her brother brushed past her in an annoying way she was able to calmly tell him to stop and ask me why he was being so annoying.
Then he told her she doesnt know anything about babies. This could have flipped her out, but she just asked him why he was being that way and I helped her to ignore it and asked him to stop being unkind.
So it looks like today she is very well balanced and in complete control.
Maybe she is entering into an equilibrium or something.
Maybe she really just has a HOT hot temper and is too immature to know how to deal with it combined by me not being able to accept that?
The thing is the same morning scenario could have played out when she is in that frame of mind and it would have been a disaster.

I am and have been for years trying to figure out what it could be.
1. I know for sure that she has a hot temper (inherited from DH)
2. I know she is extremely senstive to her surroundings and is uncomfortable with a lot of sounds, smells, stimulation (Im going to start another post to see if I get feedback from moms with kids with SPD.
3. I know she is very connected with me.
4. I know that this isnt her fault, its a problem that she is trying to work on. She knows that she is the one who suffers by having the natural consequence of having a mom who sometimes needs to be away from her (in my room for 5 minutes) and a little brother who always feels like he needs to retaliate and doesnt trust her.
5. Ive done elimination diets for 4 months straight and saw no improvement. We went completely dairy, gluten, soy, and egg free.

So, those are the things I know. The rest I just dont and Im trying to figure it out. I am trying to do the right job in raising her to know how to take care of herself, be happy, and treat other people kindly.

[mom2happy]

Originally Posted by melisssaparker46

I'm shocked. 5-8 years old kids can say that? Well, of course you should ask the kid why he/she said those things to you. And if you did something wrong you should say sorry. Afterwards, tell him/her that what he/she said is not nice and can hurt someone's feelings.

That sounds so simple.

[mom2happy]

Originally Posted by sunnmama

What happened?
How did you feel? (mad/sad/glad/etc)
What did you do?
What else could you have done?

In the beginning, her story would look much like your dd's. What did I do? Shoved my brother. What could I have done? Screamed and thrown stuff.

By the end, her story looked more like: What did I do? Brought my new silly putty to make the restaurant more fun. (dd manipulates textured things to calm herself--sensory stuff). What could I have done? Shoved my brother

I do exactly this with DD and every time she has great answers and ideas. How can talk therapy help her when she is the most rational person in the world when she's calm. We talk about it constantly and has the best intentions until the anger strikes.
Do you think it would hold her more accountable because it would be a stranger? I dont know if that would help or make it worse.
It sounds like your DD has a similar personality and I really appreciate your input.

[mom2happy]

Originally Posted by Learning_Mum

Also, I'd let her just have the last word alot of the time. Hurting someone else is not OK but if she wants to yell stop and it makes her feel better, just let her and then let it go.

But...
What she does is says something like "Your horrible....... STOP!"
So thats making it ok for her to call me a name.
I cant even open my mouth to tell her thats not ok with out her saying stop.
It just so bratty and I dont want her to think she can treat people that way.

Okay, so if I do let her have that jab and say stop, she will be back by my side asking me to get something for her or telling me that leaves loose their chlorophyll in the fall- lol. Then I will say "you were rude to me before", then she will say "Im sorry mommy", and put her eyebrows down and make a remorseful face- while quickly resuming her question or information.

[Irishmommy]

Originally Posted by mom2happy

Okay, so if I do let her have that jab and say stop, she will be back by my side asking me to get something for her or telling me that leaves loose their chlorophyll in the fall- lol. Then I will say "you were rude to me before", then she will say "Im sorry mommy", and put her eyebrows down and make a remorseful face- while quickly resuming her question or information.

Honestly, I would withdraw from her. I see nothing wrong with saying something like "I'm not ready to talk to you right now after the way you spoke to me". Don't give her the closeness/cuddles/talking - that's all positive attention for a negative action. And stay withdrawn until she behaves (or until bedtime, whichever comes first, no kid should go to bed with a parent mad).

[mtm]

My 5 year old is the name caller in our house so I feel for you OP. We had an example yesterday where his older brother was helping him with something and the 5 year old got mad and said brother was too slow, dumb etc. I withdrew the eldest and reminded the 5 year old eldest won't want to help if he talks to him that way. Sometimes that's enough, other times that will send the 5 year old yelling at me (adults are so stupid is a frequent line). We've tried time-ins (lets sit and read together to help you calm down), lots of compassion (sounds like your frustrated, how can we deal with it), code words for him to use when he needs space, time-outs where he's sent to another room, everything I can think of. I'm going to check out some of the books posted here.

[mom2happy]

Originally Posted by Irishmommy

Honestly, I would withdraw from her. I see nothing wrong with saying something like "I'm not ready to talk to you right now after the way you spoke to me". Don't give her the closeness/cuddles/talking - that's all positive attention for a negative action. And stay withdrawn until she behaves (or until bedtime, whichever comes first, no kid should go to bed with a parent mad).

Thats how I feel and sometimes I do withdraw and say exactly that, but then I feel like Im the adult here, and maybe thats passive aggressive.
If she were an adult and talked to me like that I'd have no problem giving her the cold shoulder till bedtime, but she is only 7 and Im trying to be loving about this.

I dont hug and cuddle her when she is treating me that way, only when she is behaving kindly again.

I totally hear what your saying and if this continues until she is older, I probably will have to do just that to keep myself sane.

[meemee]

mama i have read some of the replies but not all of them so forgive me if i am repeating them.

from my experience 5 to 8 is a huge difference.

this is what i did during all those times

5 - dd was going thru hormonal changes and thus was going thru deep angst. i ignored it. she needed a place to vent. she was incapable of being logical. so i gave her the space to vent.

at 6 and 7 - it depended on her mood. if she was deeply deeply angry then i told her 'that is fine with me. you are an individual and you have a right to your opinion. but that doesnt mean that is who i am.' if it wasnt that deep then i'd revert to pantomime or joking and that would clear the air.

at 8 - i do nothing. dd 'punishes' her own self. she is going thru a realisation of conscience and so she is extremely regretful afterwards.

however her name calling has NEVER affected me. its her way of hitting out. it was either she was mad at something and taking it out on me... or she was mad at me.

the 'that's your opinion...' has really worked for dd. she uses that to not get hurt when someone teases her. she is a round peg in a square hole so she has been able to see just coz someone calls her something doesnt mean that is WHO she is.

[kcparker]

She basically has a hard time with a lot in life and Im very empathetic and understanding. She had a hard time seeing past herself. Im thinking she might have an impulse control problem.
All of your aproaches and the others that I agree with do nothing to help.
She will be ticking along perfectly fine until she gets upset.
I try my best to ease her anxiety, but when things like the sound of her brothers voice enrage her, there is only so much I can do.
We have good days where there arent so many flare ups, but those are the days when everything went comfortably for her.

It sounds like this goes deeper than name-calling, like the yelling is a symptom of something else going on with her. Have you done all the food and lifestyle stuff - eliminate dyes, refined sugar, other common problem foods, make sure she isn't watching much if any TV, getting adequate exercise? Are there sensory or emotional factors in her life right now that might be irritating her that you can address - scratchy clothing, feeling neglected because of the new baby?

I feel for her, and you also. I had a horrible temper as a child. It was really overwhelming because it was so intense, and nobody ever helped me deal constructively with it. In retrospect, I was a sensitive eldest child of a single mom, and I never felt like anybody listened to me or let me be 'a baby,' so I acted out when the pressure to be a mini-grown-up got too much.

Maybe this would not work at all for your daughter, but the thing that got me to start controlling my temper on my own was horseback riding. You cannot get angry when you are riding - the horse will either be frightened or will ignore you. You have to learn how to stay calm so you can work with the horse, not against it. Horses are very sensitive, very in tune with people's emotional states, and also very forgiving animals. You can learn to be gentle with them, and that can transfer to interactions with humans. I think the same can be true of dog-training. Maybe this is totally unfeasible for your life situation and/or she'd have zero interest, but is there any way you can get her involved in some kind of animal training, where she has to be responsible for regulating her emotions in order to work with the animal successfully? If she works with the animal for awhile, they can also develop a bond that will be very rewarding for her.

Maybe if that doesn't work, karate classes, or kendo - something where she can go beat on people with a stick for an hour twice a week, but where self-control, precision, and good sportsmanship are also emphasized as part of the training.

I think sometimes parents have to outsource some things, and maybe if she has a "self-control mentor" who is outside the family - a coach or teacher - she will have a different set of motivations for pleasing that person and comporting herself appropriately than she has for changing her behavior at home, where she knows she is loved unconditionally, and where she doesn't suffer public humiliation if she is being a name-calling pill.

Have you tried doing some sort of mindfulness-based meditation with her? She might need a few more years yet to do sitting meditation, but even doing a one or two-minute check-ins with her body to identify tension spots and release them, consider if she is hungry or thirsty and needs to attend to bodily needs, to focus in on her breath, and/or to do an emotional check-in would be a good training for her to start. It really is a long process to train yourself to notice when you are in the yellow or orange, rather than the red zone, and then not only to notice, but to DO something about it.

One more thought is that maybe you can give her a silent visual warning if you think she's moving into yelling territory from disappointment or resentment - hold up a red stop sign, a picture of a volcano, a paper that says, "Think twice!", something to cue her without you yelling that acts as a mirror for what she is doing. For that matter, maybe holding up a mirror would help. I am sort of horrified by how I look when I am angry or I've been crying for awhile. Maybe she doesn't fully realize what she is unleashing on everybody else. And even if brother can hear it, I would prefer her to go scream in another room with the door shut than into somebody's face. It is at least a symbolic acknowledgment that yelling AT people is not okay. Even if we get angry, we have to be able to direct the anger in a direction that won't hurt anybody.

Bless you for helping her learn to deal with this constructively. I wish I had gotten those lessons earlier in life so that they would be more automatic as an adult.

[EdnaMarie]

Well, my child is three (almost four) and I tell her, "However you feel, I'm still your mom. But I don't let people call me names." And I walk away.

I tried the closeness thing and it was a disaster. But that's her personality--she loves the attention and she is highly sensitive to that positive reaction or any reaction, so anything that draws me towards her is going to encourage her.

However, when she is having a super bad day I do try (after we've calmed down) to start off on a more positive foot with more positive attention and get into a good groove.

[sunnmama]

Originally Posted by mom2happy

I do exactly this with DD and every time she has great answers and ideas. How can talk therapy help her when she is the most rational person in the world when she's calm. We talk about it constantly and has the best intentions until the anger strikes.
Do you think it would hold her more accountable because it would be a stranger? I dont know if that would help or make it worse.
It sounds like your DD has a similar personality and I really appreciate your input.

I do think it helps that it is someone other than mom or dad. Toward the middle of our year in counseling (the point when we all sort of accepted the advice and made some breakthroughs), dd started focusing on learning to control herself so that she could graduate from counseling

Also, it is a structure very different from discussing these things at home, after an incident. The homework was done by herself, and she could choose what events to write about. She didn't have to always write about *bad* stuff. And then she and her counselor went over it together privately, without us there (otherwise, we were mostly together in counseling). But it was consistent reflection on her behavior that, over the months, helped her to see patterns and make better choices earlier in the process.

There was also the component of teaching her to reduce her stress, and some coaching for us (the parents) to help eliminate mixed messages and set firmer boundaries.

Lastly, a third party can just SEE things much more clearly than the people in the family. Sometimes a trained eye, and an outside perspective, can make a world of difference.

[mom2happy]

Originally Posted by kcparker

It sounds like this goes deeper than name-calling, like the yelling is a symptom of something else going on with her. Have you done all the food and lifestyle stuff - eliminate dyes, refined sugar, other common problem foods, make sure she isn't watching much if any TV, getting adequate exercise? Are there sensory or emotional factors in her life right now that might be irritating her that you can address - scratchy clothing, feeling neglected because of the new baby?

Yes, tried elimination diets. The tv is only on for about 40 min 2-3 times a week as a treat.
Yes, definitely sensory stuff. Im getting ready to post about that.
She feels very jealous of the baby and of her brother and even a little bit of DH who is barely ever around. She has no problem saying she wants me all to herself even though she gets the most attention. I know she is the neediest and give her as much as humanly possible

I feel for her, and you also. I had a horrible temper as a child. It was really overwhelming because it was so intense, and nobody ever helped me deal constructively with it. In retrospect, I was a sensitive eldest child of a single mom, and I never felt like anybody listened to me or let me be 'a baby,' so I acted out when the pressure to be a mini-grown-up got too much.

I can totally relate to this. I was the oldest of 4 kids and had a brother with cp when I was 7, so my entire childhood was spent sitting around in hospitals and having to be an adult. I never had a choice, so didnt know that life could be different and that other kids actually got attention.
I am so empathetic to the fact that she is the oldest and aware of how unfair it can seem. It still doesnt help her anger though.

Maybe this would not work at all for your daughter, but the thing that got me to start controlling my temper on my own was horseback riding. You cannot get angry when you are riding - the horse will either be frightened or will ignore you. You have to learn how to stay calm so you can work with the horse, not against it. Horses are very sensitive, very in tune with people's emotional states, and also very forgiving animals. You can learn to be gentle with them, and that can transfer to interactions with humans. I think the same can be true of dog-training. Maybe this is totally unfeasible for your life situation and/or she'd have zero interest, but is there any way you can get her involved in some kind of animal training, where she has to be responsible for regulating her emotions in order to work with the animal successfully? If she works with the animal for awhile, they can also develop a bond that will be very rewarding for her.

I would love to get her into horseback riding. Ive always loved horses and so does she, but its a money issue.
When she is older I have a lot of plans to get her involved with the animal shelter.
We actually have a cat that she was pretty angry at for about a year. She didnt like that she couldnt coltrol her and would act aggressively toward the cat. The cat started to bite her every time she went by. It was a natural consequence. The cat didnt do that to anyone else in the family.
It took her about 6 months of getting bitten (the cat doesnt bite hard, but gives scratch marks with her teeth) to realize this cat was NEVER going to let her control it. Now they have a peaceful relationship and the cat never attacks her. It took her so long for that to sink in and for the anger to go away. Now it's been two years since we got the cat and things are great.
Thats a LONG time though- to learn that she must have respect.

Maybe if that doesn't work, karate classes, or kendo - something where she can go beat on people with a stick for an hour twice a week, but where self-control, precision, and good sportsmanship are also emphasized as part of the training.

NO interest whatsoever. She only wants to do ballet and her major outlet is art. She is working on something really amazing in her room right now. That is really her outlet.

I think sometimes parents have to outsource some things, and maybe if she has a "self-control mentor" who is outside the family - a coach or teacher - she will have a different set of motivations for pleasing that person and comporting herself appropriately than she has for changing her behavior at home, where she knows she is loved unconditionally, and where she doesn't suffer public humiliation if she is being a name-calling pill.

Im thinkin maybe you are right.

Have you tried doing some sort of mindfulness-based meditation with her? She might need a few more years yet to do sitting meditation, but even doing a one or two-minute check-ins with her body to identify tension spots and release them, consider if she is hungry or thirsty and needs to attend to bodily needs, to focus in on her breath, and/or to do an emotional check-in would be a good training for her to start. It really is a long process to train yourself to notice when you are in the yellow or orange, rather than the red zone, and then not only to notice, but to DO something about it.

She does a kids yoga video every once in a while and that helps.
Walking around in the yard alone and humming seems to chill her out too.

One more thought is that maybe you can give her a silent visual warning if you think she's moving into yelling territory from disappointment or resentment - hold up a red stop sign, a picture of a volcano, a paper that says, "Think twice!", something to cue her without you yelling that acts as a mirror for what she is doing. For that matter, maybe holding up a mirror would help. I am sort of horrified by how I look when I am angry or I've been crying for awhile. Maybe she doesn't fully realize what she is unleashing on everybody else. And even if brother can hear it, I would prefer her to go scream in another room with the door shut than into somebody's face. It is at least a symbolic acknowledgment that yelling AT people is not okay. Even if we get angry, we have to be able to direct the anger in a direction that won't hurt anybody.

Tried that - WHoah it pi$$ed her off

Bless you for helping her learn to deal with this constructively. I wish I had gotten those lessons earlier in life so that they would be more automatic as an adult.

Thank you so much- I am trying with all of my soul

[kcparker]

I have to sort of laugh about the cat - it sounds like the cat is one of your daughter's teachers. Felines are controlled by nobody but themselves. Dogs, horses, they will work with you if you ask nicely, but cats, they just don't care.

[mom2happy]

Originally Posted by kcparker

I have to sort of laugh about the cat - it sounds like the cat is one of your daughter's teachers. Felines are controlled by nobody but themselves. Dogs, horses, they will work with you if you ask nicely, but cats, they just don't care.

It is kind of funny. It took a really long time and so many bite marks, but she really learned.
Maybe I should bite her lol.
Posted via Mobile Device

[Okapi]

So let me say straight off the bat that I have no experience with this, my DD is only 2, and so far we haven't had much trouble with this sort of thing. BUT, another poster put this link in a post in the main parenting forum about bullying, and I read through a lot of the site. Here is a section about situations like yours: Guide to Aggression in Children

I have no idea if it is something that you would be willing to try, but it might be worth looking at, anyway. Not sure how I feel about some of his points, but it is an interesting perspective.

Hope you find something that will help! If nothing else, maybe time will. One of my brothers could be a real UAV when he was a kid/teen, but now he's one of the nicest guys you could ever meet. I really don't think it was anything my parents did or didn't do, I think he just grew up, KWIM? Though I guess that doesn't really help now.