relationship/ or me? something has got to give.

[GuestMama1234]

this should probably go in parents as partners, but I can't find that place right now on the board...

Hi mamas, I'm signing in as a guest mama, because I wanted to share some personal information and want to protect my identity.

I love this community, this forum, and wish I could share who I really am, but want to protect our privacy as well.

I am really stuck, I'm really depressed. But not a "take some zoloft and deal" kind of depressed, but a something has got to give, I need to change something.

I'm 34, been married for 10 years, have 4 kids. My kids are great--super intense and constantly going, but great. I love them so much it hurts.

But I miss myself. I miss who I was before kids. I feel like I have no control in my life, and it is killing me. I am typing this trough my tears.

I work 1/2 time, but all the money I earn goes to bills, etc. I maybe have 20 dollars of "free money" to spend on whatever I want. And that usually gets spent on a kid.

I don't get my hair done, I don't have any hobbies any more (too expensive, no time). I used to be so interesting, but now I hardly know myself.

I remember randomly watching an episode of Oprah after my first child was born, and there was this mother who said that she just cries all the time when she is alone. I remember thinking "how sad."

Now I am that lady. How sad.

thank you for reading this.

[Caneel]

I have had that "something gotta give" feeling in the past, for different reasons, so I couldn't just read and not respond.

Sounds like there is a lot going on but the six-pack-a-day and the "stuff" associated with it might be a good place to start. That is a whole lot of booze to be consuming on a daily basis. Not that it matters but is this a drinking over the course of the day issue? Or a binge-drinking after work thing?

That is he is not willing to give it up is a red-flag. $49 a week on booze when you can't afford it is a problem. $49 on any "treat" when you can't afford it is a problem. I can understand why you would be upset. I wish I had more to offer in the way of house.

[GuestMama1234]

Thank you for your reply.

I don't know what to do. When ever I bring it up he says I am nagging him, and should just get over it. It makes me mad that it falls into this stereotypical pattern and that he says I am nagging him, and trying to tell him what to do with his money.

I work so hard, and yet he has *no problem* telling me how to spend my money.

Sure he pays the rent and the food. And I am thankful for that. But I would be doing these things if I could work more... but I'm raising all these kids, yk?

Every class the kids take, shoes, etc. I pay for that. And I just can't anymore.

He has no credit cards and I have 2 for emergencies. He begs me at the end of the month to let him use them, and promises he'll pay me back. He sometimes does, often doesn't. I just had to tell him to stop asking me because they are maxed out. Which isn't true, but they might as well be, yk?

I just don't know what to do to let him know that the drinking is gross other then just leave. But how do you do that with 4 kids?

I'm making him seem like a horrible person, which isn't all true.

I just feel like crying.

[peainthepod]

I agree with Caneel. DH likes a single Guinness once or twice a week but if we couldn't afford it he would give it up without hesitation. That goes for any of our other little luxuries...the family finances have to come first.

It sounds to me like you're burned out and living with someone who may have addiction issues. He also seems if not abusive, at least very manipulative and his not letting you close your own bathroom door is way out of line. You shouldn't have thrown the toothbrush at him, obviously, but I also know from experience that some people are experts at pushing the right buttons to work us up into an irrational response so that they can then point to our "anger issues". Addicts in particular excel at this, being expert blame-shifters and responsibility evaders.

I know money is tight but there may be a way for you to find a therapist who will see you on a sliding scale, or who will see you pro bono. And there's always Al-Anon if you just want to go talk to other people who live with alcoholics. That in itself could be incredibly validating for you.



Edit:

Okay, I just saw your update. Oh, mama. So you have to share ALL your money with him, and he only pays rent and food? Expenses he would have to pay whether you were married to him or not, right?

That is not okay and you have every right to be angry about it. I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sounds like you have five kids, not four.

[GuestMama1234]

I*

[GuestMama1234]

Oh, meant to add that this is binge drinking after work. I don't think he drinks during the day.

[peainthepod]

Gently, binge drinking after work is still binge drinking. There are plenty of functional alcoholics out there. But it's a progressive condition and is only going to get worse. It's not going to go away. In fact chances are good it's worse than you're willing to admit to yourself right now. BTDT

Al-Anon is anonymous. You don't have to tell anyone there anything you don't want to tell them. You can give them a fake first name if you want, and find a meeting a town away just in case you're scared of being recognized. It's no substitute for therapy, but it's something--and the more you tell us, the more it sounds like you might find it a huge relief to talk to the people there.

There are meetings at night, first thing in the morning, on weekends...depending on how big your town/city/community is, you might have a good range of options. This is something you should really make time for. You don't have to tell DH where you're going or why. But do this for you.

[peainthepod]

And in case I sound like I'm pushing the 12-Step Program thing really hard, it's only because you said you can't afford private therapy. Honestly I think that would be a better first step, but I know it's also awfully expensive. Al-Anon is at least free.

[doubledutch]

would your sister (or someone else) watch your kids for you, once a week, for a couple of hours for free, so you could go? if you don't feel like you can ask someone for that, could you swap babysitting time with another mom?

[GuestMama1234]

I didn't mean to make this about him, and I know I am co-dependent on him. But when he was out of town I felt so human. Like I could just make a decision, and not have to worry. I didn't have to pretend anything. How do I get that person back?

thanks mamas for letting me vent, I'm editing some of the ranting. I think I'm going to contact a therapist.

thank you mdc

[Red Cape]

I recently separated from my husband of 15 years, and have spent a great deal of time (having only one kid) thinking about "that person" that I am. It has been the most difficult thing I've ever experienced to go it alone, but it is so worth it to find myself again. I'm NOT suggesting you do the same, but you really need to find some time to be alone I think. Match that 50 bucks a week that he spends on beer and stash it away for a vacation for yourself maybe. If he has 50 to spend on beer, then you most certainly could do the same, let him take up some of the slack (beer). I think its your turn to do something you enjoy, he enjoys beer, you enjoy...

The other thing I've learned through my most difficult time here is how strong I really am. The fact that you are feeling so unhappy and stressed is your body's way of telling you that something is not okay, and that it does need to change. Knowing how to change that is within you. Trust yourself. Even if you are unwilling or unable to do what you need to change right now, at least you know yourself a little better and can prepare for when you are ready.

Hugs.

[GuestMama1234]

thank you all!

[chimomma]

I felt the same way. I know how you feel about feeling better when DH is away. This feeling ended for me when I realized my husband was abusive and have since been going through the most painful, overwhelming, beautiful and empowering period of personal growth. It is really the processes of taking myself back again. For me it involved realizing a lot about my family of origin, pretty much rejecting my husband and emotionally/mentally detaching from him, and forming my own goals. I realized I made a lot of decisions based on what I anticipated his reaction to be. Now I am planning my own future with or without him. And I will never let any one else define me.

I definitely recommend trying to find extra support for yourself and children while embarking on this journey. It can be intense, but so worth it. You will come through this better in the end!