I need some advice

[mommy_to_2angels]

So, I am new, I am sure anyone who has been on a while can tell. And my life is one big soap opera, not of my making, but drama seems to follow me no matter how fast I run away.

But at the moment, my issue is the father of my kids/ex. He is homeless, carless, but not jobless. He is court ordered to pay half the childcare for our son. This was contingent on him having 50/50 custody. I have had to take on primary parent role right from the start and have been doing everything without financial assistance from him for about 9 months now.

Now however, he doesn't because he has nowhere to take them. He's not paying anything, says he can't. So I, single mom, am supposed to cover everything (food, essentials, childcare, etc) with no assistance. I have applied for state assistance, but it is all pending at the moment.

I am at a loss of what I should do. Do I contact the Child Support Enforcement office and make them make him pay? Or give him time to get his shit together so he can see his kids? The kids are taking it all in stride, well the baby is anyway. The 5 y/o is taking it a little harder. Thanks for any input.

[Halfasianmomma]

Do I contact the Child Support Enforcement office and make them make him pay?

If it's possible, then YES!

Or give him time to get his shit together so he can see his kids?

Has anyone given you the time to get your sh*t together and paid expenses for you? Don't think so. It is not your responsibility to shelter him from the responsibilities he created for himself.

If he doesn't have a place to take the kids, then perhaps a supervised visit to the park or to the free days at the museum...?

[mommy_to_2angels]

I am going to call them, mostly because I shouldn't have to choose between safe care for my child and feeding them...

As far as him getting his shit together, you are right. No-one has ever handed me anything on a silver platter. My life has been hard, and everyone always makes things so much easier for him, I suppose I got into the habit as well. However, another problem we have, he is staying with a friend an hour away and expects me to bring the children to him because his car is broken. I suggested the bus system, but he looked at me like I had 6 heads.

I just don't want my daughter to come crying to me because she can't see her daddy... you understand her pain is my pain... My boy doesn't understand, but she does kind of. However, her teacher told me when I dropped her off this morning, that they have a program for students whose parents are seperated. So I'll be checking that out to help her work through her feelings. I don't want her to feel like she is telling on daddy... ya know?

My mother, who is going away for a week, was helping him to see the children after work since he couldn't take the kids. But with her going away and him moving away now, he insists he can't possibly get here to see them and that I have to bring them. Is it considered keeping the kids from him if I do not take them to him for visits? This is all so very confusing...

[Halfasianmomma]

Hm...what does your custody judgment say? Is there anything specific about travel (as in, who does what). I facilitated visitation for my XH (as in drove DD to and from, provided food, diaper, wipes, clothing) until I got sole custody and discretion over visitation. Then I put my foot down and told him he could figure out his travel time by himself. There was much whining and b*tching, but after that (and other events), he stopped seeing DD altogether.

Generally speaking, with 50/50 custody, the "rule" I was told by my lawyer is this: Whoever wants the kids for a visit goes to get them.

So, IMO, if his visits are THAT important to him, he'll come get them. You are not keeping the kids from him by refusing to be his taxi. He can figure out his predicament on his own.

Sadly, it will impact your children, but perhaps you can discuss it with your DD.

Do you have a lawyer you can consult with to ask this question?

[Avani]

Never wait for anyone to get their shit together when there are children to be provided for here. I've been waiting four years for my ex to get his together. I've never received a penny for our four children. I've been hounding the courts and support but still have yet to receive a thing. Good luck and yes please do enforce it. It's the least the father can do.

[mommy_to_2angels]

Unfortunately, I am unable to even come close to affording an attorney and every one I've spoken with isn't doing pro bono work at the moment. There isn't a custody order in place at the moment. That's still in the works. I don't know if I can dispute it after we've discussed it and agreed to the 50/50 custody... The paperwork has been sent into the court. I'm going to file an injunction on wens for supervised visitation temporarily. I didn't want to have to go down this road. But it's seeming like it's what I will have to do. Thanks for your input, because really, I feel alone in this. My mother went through it, but she and I aren't close at all...

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by mommy_to_2angels

Unfortunately, I am unable to even come close to affording an attorney and every one I've spoken with isn't doing pro bono work at the moment. There isn't a custody order in place at the moment. That's still in the works. I don't know if I can dispute it after we've discussed it and agreed to the 50/50 custody... The paperwork has been sent into the court. I'm going to file an injunction on wens for supervised visitation temporarily. I didn't want to have to go down this road. But it's seeming like it's what I will have to do. Thanks for your input, because really, I feel alone in this. My mother went through it, but she and I aren't close at all...

If he's homeless, and moving away, and can't provide any transportation, why would you be agreeing to 50/50? That doesn't make sense - I know it can work, but from what I've heard only when parents live close together. Unless you're just talking about 50/50 legal and not 50/50 physical.

Also, file TOMORROW if you can at all - don't wait. When you say the court has been sent the paper work what does that mean?

And no, if you ar ebeing reasonable about transportation (offering to pick them up at the end of a weekend, so that he only has to drive one way, etc), refusing to transport your children to where ever it is that he can do visitation is not depriving him of access.

[Halfasianmomma]

You may have agreed to 50/50 initially, but is this really what has taken place? You mentioned having to take over childcare completely in your first thread...If you were to document how many visits he's taken since you've separated, would it ACTUALLY be 50/50?

[mommy_to_2angels]

The agreement was made in the beginning of August, while he was with his now ex, who kicked him out this past weekend. We lived less than a mile from each other, so it wouldn't have been a problem at the time. I would file tomorrow, but I can't miss work. I go in late on Wednesday and so would have the time to do it without risking my job.

We had signed papers agreeing to 50/50 physical and legal and financial custody. His attorney completed the paperwork. I had my father's girlfriend, who has worked in the legal system as an aide for a number of years, make sure it said what we agreed to. However, the circumstances now, have obviously changed dramatically..

He has been taking them 3 nights a week virtually from the start. However, I've covered all childcare, minus a single payment in which he paid half. He hasn't started taking the 50% of the time yet. For whatever reason, he was waiting until it was official to start doing it... But in no way, to this point, has he had them 50% of the time. And he paid me, I dunno, maybe $100 in support at the beginning of his own accord, then stopped.

[provocativa]

stop being so nice! document everything, try to get sole custody, go for state childcare assistance and whatever else you can get. if this is how he behaves during the temporary period, when his parenting is definitely on trial, then it will only get worse.

[smeep]

Originally Posted by Avani

Never wait for anyone to get their shit together when there are children to be provided for here.

Exactly. DS1's biodad bailed very early in the pregnancy and up to that point never showed any interest. While I didn't rely on him (because there was nothing to rely on) it was REALLY hard for me. Now I'm pregnant again, 20 weeks, and my now ex boyfriend just recently pulled some really nasty things on me, down right horrible (and on more than one occasion put me in a dangerous situation). This guy MAY choose to be in baby's life (DS1's biodad I knew never would). He even says he'll help me out financially (and last time I saw him a week and a half ago he did give me some money, which is fair considering he kicked me out and I'm staying with a friend and didn't even have that planned at the time that he kicked me out). But am I going to wait for him to get his shit together? No bloody way! IF he gets his shit together, great. But that's to be determined. I'll accept any financial support he provides and, if he asks how baby is and how appointments are going, I will answer his questions. But I am not going to RELY on him at all. I doubt he will get his shit together soon enough that I'll feel comfortable with him at the birth and I won't count on it so I'm assuming he won't be there. I'm figuring out what to do when baby is born (need a job, apartment, and then gotta figure out all the finances)...and I just realised today that I haven't ONCE thought about any kind of financial support from him, why? Because I can't rely on him.

Seriously. Let the child enforcement people know that he hasn't paid a dime, chances are they can take it out of his check (in Texas employers now have to report within 30 days to the attorney general so any child support can be taken out right away). Don't wait for him to get his shit together because he may never do it. And if he cares enough TO do that, he will do it even if the child support is being taken out of his check without his control.

[mommy_to_2angels]

I'm sorry for what you have gone through Emy. It must be difficult knowing that not one but 2 jerks have bailed on you. But you sound like you've got your priorities straight.

I think he just doesn't understand how much it takes to care for the kids. From the very start, with my 5 year old, even when we were together, I took care of all the financial responsibilities because he was out of work/looking for a job/injured or any other number of reason. My own father was not financially responsible, so I guess, subconciously, I never relied on him in the first place. You are right in saying that I can't wait for him to get his shit together.

I left him because of years of verbal, emotional and financial abuse (believe it) and the final straw was when he demanded a DNA test on both kids. He told me "It's not that I don't trust you, I just need to know." And yes he really said that. I didn't actually realize that I was being abused until recently... I just knew I couldn't stay with him. He's a ummm....well the word isn't appropriate. lol

Honestly, the more I think about it, the less I want him around them at all. It's painful to tell my daughter, who loves her daddy so very much, that she can't go see him. Everything I do is done to ensure that they are happy and healthy and well taken care of.

I know that I am a good mother, but my childhood conditioned me into an enabler of misbehavior by the males in my life. I've come a long way, but obviously have a ways to go. Perhaps counseling is in order. Either way, you are right, I need to take things in hand and stop allowing him to make me feel guilty. I made a call to an attorney that my friend recommended might help me pro bono... So keep your fingers crossed for me.

[mommy_to_2angels]

I have an appointment tomorrow morning with an attorney to try to get all of this worked out. We'll see how it goes, and how the hell I am gonna afford to pay her. But she accepts payments, so...

I am going to give her everything I have (I've kept records of everything) and tell her what I want and leave it in her capable hands to manage the legal aspect. Say a prayer for me!

[Halfasianmomma]

YAY! I'm so glad you're seeing an attorney! Remember to interview her as much as she interviews you...she works FOR you!

[smeep]

It sounds like you've got your head in the right place and that you're heading in the right direction even if it is extremely hard on you and your babes. It sucks, we all want to give our kids fathers a chance to do what they need to do but what it comes down to is if they truly WANT to do it, they will do it regardless of what we have enforced legally. KWIM?

The DNA test thing is soooo infuriating! DS1's biodad KNEW it was his child, absolutely 100% knew it, but he told EVERYONE that it wasn't his child (I suppose perhaps in part to make his lack of involvement seem justified to others, and I think partially in hopes that I would get frustrated and not pursue child support as he was under the impression that I would have to pay for the test regardless of the results). This baby's father is only just recently saying he wants a DNA test. When I last discussed it with him I told him, point-blank, "You know it's yours, right?" To which he replied yes. Then I said, "Is it your friends suggesting it may not be that has you saying this?" To which he again admitted yes. I don't give a rats behind if he wants a test because he will owe the child enforcement agency for it, but I am extremely irked that he'll even ADMIT that he knows it's his and only ever mentions it because of other people. At least DS1's biodad never admitted to me that he knew it was his after I left him at 3 months pregnant, he at least kept THAT story straight.

By the way, I would be careful of outright calling him a douche. Not that I think it's wrong or anything (that was my favourite name for another ex of mine!) but it's against the guidelines on MDC. We tend to use "UAV" (User Agreement Violation) in lieu of other, more fitting, words. Just a heads up.

[mommy_to_2angels]

Lol thanks for the heads up. I did amend that. He is what he is. And we all know what that is. I needn't say anymore!

[mommy_to_2angels]

When he asked for it and said that to me, I was flabbergasted! I said "How can you tell me that it's not that you don't trust me? You are all but saying, hey I think you may have cheated on me!" What kind of person justifies like that? Honest to goodness, I just wanted to slap him. And that was the final straw.

[smeep]

It is just truly insulting. Completely. The last time we discussed it (when he admitted he knew it was his) I told him that if he wasn't the father I would NOT be having even the slightest thing to do with him. He clearly doesn't care about our safety, he wavers on showing that he'll provide for me or the baby, I would just rather be done with him. I also pointed out that the last person I slept with before him (we got pregnant within a month and a half of seeing each other ) makes a LOT more money than him so if I were going to pin it on someone, wouldn't I pin it on the guy who makes enough money that the minimum court ordered child support alone would possibly allow me to pay for my own place with the kids and bills and only work part time, if work at all? I almost wish I could pin it on the other guy, except that stupid thing called karma and all the things just plain wrong with it.

[MariesMama]

Something similar happened to me. I did not use a lawyer, but asked for child support to be recalculated due to a change in circumstances. My ex had moved out of state, leaving me with a huge chunk of change in childcare costs. I can PM you a copy of my letter to the FOC if you would like. I got 50% of childcare costs awarded after that, plus support.

[mommy_to_2angels]

That would be great! Thanks Mariesmama! I have spoken with an attorney and she said I have a great case. So I am gonna get things going. I am still debating whether I want to have her do the work or do it myself. She can take the time, where I can't take time out of work to get to the courthouse and whatnot. So...it's a matter of whether or not to retain her. I don't really have the money, but she'll take payments. Now that I have a course of action decided, I just need to decide how... sorry, it's just been hell these past few months.