I'm just wondering how I should have handled this situation. I realize it is probably not a Big Deal and that kids do these things sometimes. The issue is really how I could handle it better.
We went to our first playgroup with this particular parenting group last week. All of the kids, except two that were too young to even care much about playing with the other kids, were older than my son. This was an afternoon playgroup and I am pretty sure all of them had been at school all day, so they were probably tired. I could tell early on that my son was not quite fitting in, possibly due to his age or the fact that he was new or both things. He was trying and having fun though so it didn't seem like a big deal. I was busy chasing my 1 year old to focus too much on it anyway.
At one point, he came to me while I was sitting with the other moms and said, "Those guys poked me with a stick!" Not really in an upset way, but obviously it was important enough to tell me. I just made sure he was OK and told him he could play near me with his brother if he wanted, but he said that he wanted to continue playing with the other children. I tried to keep a closer eye on him after that and he was still very obviously being left out and not quite fitting in, but he seemed happy. They were also playing pretty aggressively. More like half-playing, if you know what I mean.
On the ride home he kept talking about being poked and about how those boys "accidentally thought [he] was a really, really bad BAD guy." Actually he has talked about this for several days now, though a little less each day. He has said that one kid kept saying, "I'M GOING TO GET YOU!!" He also keeps assuring me that they were "just playing" but the way he says it sounds more like the half-playing I mentioned above. I don't think he views it as him being left out or anything. So far I have mostly just listened. I have told him that maybe they were tired from being at school all day and grumpy from being tired and then talked about how sometimes we do things we shouldn't when we are grumpy.
All right, so my questions are: What else could I have done at the playgroup? What else could I say to him afterward? What should I teach him to do if he finds himself in that kind of situation again? And if you can think of anything else that would be helpful feel free to add it!
I don't want to make this TOO long but here is some background if this will help you answer.
My son is very cautious and pretty shy. He can play with other kids but he has a hard time talking. When he does talk, he does so very quietly. Up until the past few months, he would never play on the playground without me up there as well. In fact, he went through a period where he didn't even want to do that and we would just sit on a bench watching everyone else play. He always seemed just fine with it and never acted like he felt he was missing something. He's never played with any particular child or children on a regular basis, so he does not have much experience in interacting with them. With all that said, he has been blossoming a ton this past year. He has tried so many new things even though he was scared, whereas before he was too scared to even try.
Any talking to him would have to be very, very calm (he is upset easily by these kinds of things--he would be especially upset if I tried to change it from the kids "just playing" etc) but direct enough that he could understand. I don't want him to think that those kids were being horrible because I'm assuming they weren't, but I also don't want him to think it is OK for people to hurt him or for him to hurt other people. And I want to give him the tools to handle those kinds of situations as easily as one can because I seriously do NOT have those tools. Also, since he doesn't talk much/talks so quietly, I'm not sure telling him to say something to someone when they hurt him will work right now. It could help in the future though.
And something about me which I guess will explain why I am having a hard time. I have social anxiety/generalized anxiety (so scared even posting this haha) and have always had similar issues. A lot of my earliest memories are of bad social interactions, of feeling like everyone hated me or thought I was stupid, etc etc. I clearly remember feeling excluded even when perhaps I wasn't or when I could have just tried a little more and been included (who knows! but my mom does claim this was the case). I also used to worry so much about my little brother being picked on that I would make myself physically ill and this stuff is bringing up memories and feelings of that. OK, so those are MY issues. I really do not want to place those on him because I truly don't think he is THAT upset by all of it. I'm also terrified of passing on my fears to him, haha. So I feel frozen. I feel like no matter what I say, "Oh no!!! It's happening!! No one will like him/understand him because he's quiet and weird just like me!! I've RUINED him!!!" and so on is going to come through.
All of that (and more, I assure you haha) from a little stick poke!
We went to our first playgroup with this particular parenting group last week. All of the kids, except two that were too young to even care much about playing with the other kids, were older than my son. This was an afternoon playgroup and I am pretty sure all of them had been at school all day, so they were probably tired. I could tell early on that my son was not quite fitting in, possibly due to his age or the fact that he was new or both things. He was trying and having fun though so it didn't seem like a big deal. I was busy chasing my 1 year old to focus too much on it anyway.
At one point, he came to me while I was sitting with the other moms and said, "Those guys poked me with a stick!" Not really in an upset way, but obviously it was important enough to tell me. I just made sure he was OK and told him he could play near me with his brother if he wanted, but he said that he wanted to continue playing with the other children. I tried to keep a closer eye on him after that and he was still very obviously being left out and not quite fitting in, but he seemed happy. They were also playing pretty aggressively. More like half-playing, if you know what I mean.
On the ride home he kept talking about being poked and about how those boys "accidentally thought [he] was a really, really bad BAD guy." Actually he has talked about this for several days now, though a little less each day. He has said that one kid kept saying, "I'M GOING TO GET YOU!!" He also keeps assuring me that they were "just playing" but the way he says it sounds more like the half-playing I mentioned above. I don't think he views it as him being left out or anything. So far I have mostly just listened. I have told him that maybe they were tired from being at school all day and grumpy from being tired and then talked about how sometimes we do things we shouldn't when we are grumpy.
All right, so my questions are: What else could I have done at the playgroup? What else could I say to him afterward? What should I teach him to do if he finds himself in that kind of situation again? And if you can think of anything else that would be helpful feel free to add it!
I don't want to make this TOO long but here is some background if this will help you answer.
My son is very cautious and pretty shy. He can play with other kids but he has a hard time talking. When he does talk, he does so very quietly. Up until the past few months, he would never play on the playground without me up there as well. In fact, he went through a period where he didn't even want to do that and we would just sit on a bench watching everyone else play. He always seemed just fine with it and never acted like he felt he was missing something. He's never played with any particular child or children on a regular basis, so he does not have much experience in interacting with them. With all that said, he has been blossoming a ton this past year. He has tried so many new things even though he was scared, whereas before he was too scared to even try.
Any talking to him would have to be very, very calm (he is upset easily by these kinds of things--he would be especially upset if I tried to change it from the kids "just playing" etc) but direct enough that he could understand. I don't want him to think that those kids were being horrible because I'm assuming they weren't, but I also don't want him to think it is OK for people to hurt him or for him to hurt other people. And I want to give him the tools to handle those kinds of situations as easily as one can because I seriously do NOT have those tools. Also, since he doesn't talk much/talks so quietly, I'm not sure telling him to say something to someone when they hurt him will work right now. It could help in the future though.
And something about me which I guess will explain why I am having a hard time. I have social anxiety/generalized anxiety (so scared even posting this haha) and have always had similar issues. A lot of my earliest memories are of bad social interactions, of feeling like everyone hated me or thought I was stupid, etc etc. I clearly remember feeling excluded even when perhaps I wasn't or when I could have just tried a little more and been included (who knows! but my mom does claim this was the case). I also used to worry so much about my little brother being picked on that I would make myself physically ill and this stuff is bringing up memories and feelings of that. OK, so those are MY issues. I really do not want to place those on him because I truly don't think he is THAT upset by all of it. I'm also terrified of passing on my fears to him, haha. So I feel frozen. I feel like no matter what I say, "Oh no!!! It's happening!! No one will like him/understand him because he's quiet and weird just like me!! I've RUINED him!!!" and so on is going to come through.
All of that (and more, I assure you haha) from a little stick poke!
