starting to feel scared

[LHcj2008]

I don't know if its hormones, or related to our situation, or if it is totally normal, but this past week I started feeling very insecure about my homebirth. Not about the HOME aspect of the homebirth, I think just about the birth in general, but I think I also feel that by having a homebirth the pressure is definitely all on me to give birth naturally (I wish I was OK with a hospital birth where I was fine with whatever interventions I was told I was going to have...obviously I'm not, but sometimes I think it would take the pressure off!)

I should briefly explain our situation though because I think a lot has to do with it: my husband and I just moved from NYC to Northern VA in the hopes of having a bit more quality to our lives, so that we could be closer to my family who is now 30 minutes away, and to have more living space which we thought would be better for us long-term. We've been here for 6 weeks and the quality of our lives, minus our calmer environmental surroundings (trees, quiet, more space) is actually more stressful - Im working a temporary job daily right up until I give birth from 1-7 pm, and my husband works a teaching job from 7:15 am and gets home anytime btwn 5:30 and 6:30. I feel like I rarely see him anymore because when I get home, we eat dinner and then he pretty much goes to bed. He is completely stressed and overwhelmed because his new job is much more demanding than his old job time-wise. In NYC we had the same schedule (we both worked in schools, which is why I picked up a temporary job because I couldn't start full-time in a new school and then leave after 4 mos.)., Now we have completely opposite lives. It is just temporary until I have the baby, so I know we'll get through it, but it has been difficult this last month, mainly because we haven't been doing such a great job at supporting one another through our individual changes and transitions, etc. Its hard relating to one another. Not to mention I am now with a new HB midwife who I barely know, have no plans of taking a childbirth class for financial reasons and also b/c I heard they aren't that worth it in the end (I'm sure there are various opinions on this though), and the book The Birth Partner that my husband planned to read to be prepared for the birth...well, that's not going to happen because he barely has time to breathe.

I spend most of my days alone- I work in my own little office at my temporary job (as compared to a busy school with everyone around like I'm used to) and I spend the mornings alone at home cleaning and nesting like crazy. The few friends I have in this area aren't married, don't have kids and are at totally different points in life. My family obviously is close by but I am very different from them and they aren't quite sure what to think about this homebirth thing (my dad is an OB/GYN which would explain why).

Anyway, lately I've started feeling overwhelmed about my birth. While I imagine my husband will be supportive as best he knows how, I just feel like I'm totally on my own here. And ultimately, I guess I am doing this myself no matter how much my husband has read or prepared- he can't birth for me. As for me, I've read a lot and understand the different stages during birth, positions that are said to be helpful, etc. but I don't know what to truly expect, if I'm ready for the pain, or if I will really be able to do it in the end.

Everytime I bring up wanting a natural birth, my mom says "ha! Good luck". Like I really need that. I am definitely going through with this homebirth, it is important to me and I want to feel the experience of a natural birth. I feel blessed to be able to have children and I don't want to just numb myself of all of my senses. If I ultimately need to transfer, so be it, but I want to at least give myself the opportunity to have my baby naturally. I guess I just need some support from people who understand and, maybe at points in the past, have also felt scared? This is my first baby and I'm afraid that no matter what I see in documentaries or read in books, I will break down once I actually start going into active labor. I'm 27 weeks...is this just a normal feeling around this point in pregnancy?

[IdentityCrisisMama]

Hey, mama!!! I'm sure it's normal to feel scared especially when life is full of changes and you're just feeling low.

I can at least reassure you of one thing - for my first labor/birth (also a planned homebirth) I did not even consider drugs. I think there's something about birthing at home that removes your association of birth = drugs. I can honestly say that the thought did not enter my mind - ever.

Also, I think it's GOOD that you feel like you don't know what to expect. Because you don't! I've heard a hundred birth stories and not once has the birth gone as expected. I think (and this is just my opinion) that it's better if you just learn as much as you can but hold on to that feeling of not being able to control it or anticipate it. You'll be that much closer to accepting it for what it'll be.

[BtotheG]

Hi LHcj,

I had a homebirth last October, and it was the absolutely most beautiful, amazing, empowering, transformative experience I have ever had.

I *did* think about drugs once. It was in transition, and I had the briefest thought that I should have done the drugs. But the thought was fleeting, I started pushing immediately after, and I never regretted doing it drug-free other than that one thought. Not before that, and not for a second after it.

While pregnant, I too got scared and started to wonder if I could do it. Every time I talked to someone who scoffed at my plans (which was actually rarer than I expected), it shook my confidence. I started to question myself, and wonder if I really was crazy.

But then I realized that the skeptical people didn't believe natural birth could be done because they all birthed in hospitals where natural birth isn't supported at all. It would be really, really difficult to achieve a natural birth in the circumstances my friends were birthing in.

And like IdentityCrisisMama said, I think it's actually to your benefit that you aren't placing expectations on your birth - staying flexible and open is beneficial because you just can't predict how it will go! Plus, the statistics are usually 90% of women homebirth successfully without drugs. Even if you are one of the 10% that transfers, you will know that you gave yourself the absolute best chance of getting the natural birth you wanted, and that interventions were truly necessary.

Finally, while in labor, make sure to eat, drink, and rest as much as possible. Most homebirth transfers are first time moms who become exhausted and/or dehydrated and need to go to the hospital for epidurals and iv fluids. Maximize your chances for success by keeping up your strength!

[homemademom]

That sounds so hard! I can understand why you're just feeling unsettled about everything. I wonder if you would feel more comfortable if you could meet and make some other likeminded mamas. Have you checked the Find Your Tribe forum here to see about meeting up with others in your area? Have you looked to see if La Leche League has a chapter in your area? Maybe you can ask your mw for some recommendations for groups/people that you could meet. Does your mw bring others with her to your birth? Have you met them? Have you talked to your mw about the kind of support she will or won't provide? These are just some things I would want to find out if I was in your situation. I think the answers would make me feel more at peace. Of course, reconnecting with your dh is SO important. Can you make a little relaxing night for him on a weekend or something? Best of luck! You're almost there

[peainthepod]

Hugs, mama! I couldn't read this and not post in support.

It's totally normal to be nervous, even scared, about having your first birth--and a natural birth at home, no less! I had my first baby at home too (and am planning to have this one at home as well as any future babies) and I well remember how nerve-wracking it was. I knew exactly no one who had ever had a baby outside the hospital and people loved to scoff at the notion that I wouldn't be "begging for that epidural".

The truth? It hurt, but not so much that I couldn't handle it. And around the time that the pain became too much and I started to worry that I couldn't do it, my baby was out and it was over and I was holding my little boy in my arms and all memory of that pain was gone. My peaceful homebirth story is here if you want to read it.

Considering all the stress you're already under, it's not a surprise that you're feeling a little overwhelmed. You mentioned that birthing classes aren't a possibility (and FWIW, DH and I took a Bradley class and found it completely useless) but would you be open to the idea of hiring a doula? You could maybe even find one who would work for free as part of her DONA certification or something; I bet if you asked in the Finding Your Tribe forum here someone would have tips and resources to share.

And yes, definitely meet up with some other AP/natural-minded mamas in your area, if you can. One of my dearest friends is someone I met here on MDC while we were both pregnant with our first babies. In fact, like the second or third time I hung out with her, she was laboring peacefully with her son while we took a (slow, clumsy, very pregnant) walk around a city park! It was awesome.

Anyway, support from other like-minded people would be a huge help for you right now, I think. And stop discussing your birth with people who can't support you. I'm so sorry your mom isn't giving you the encouragement you need, but don't let her negativity get you down. Protect your headspace and remember that women have been having babies at home, without anesthesia, for many thousands of years.

If you haven't already read them, check out Birthing from Within and Ina May's Guide to Childbirth. You can do this, and you will.

Congratulations on the pregnancy and keep posting here whenever you need support. It's scary to be a trailblazer but so, so rewarding in the end.

[kcparker]

I would hire a doula. If you find somebody certifying, great, but pay the $400 or $600 or whatever the going rate is. Make the commitment to get to know her, let her know your needs, and tell her what you need for her to do. Remember, doula means serving woman, and it's her whole job to be your support during labor and birth. A good doula will do 2 or 3 90-120 minute meetings with you, take time to read and answer emails, chat on the phone, whatever she needs to do to help you get back to a place of feeling secure with her and that you WILL have knowledgeable support during birth. A doula can also do some one-on-one childbirth ed. stuff with you so you don't have to take a class. She will remember the eating/drinking/peeing/position changes, etc. when you are in labor so you and DH don't have to. Having a doula, especially in your situation, will be money well spent, and you will not regret it.

It's too much for your husband to prep for, and he will be better emotional support for you if he doesn't feel stressed that he's 'underprepared.' He will also be more free to be the husband and father at the birth without also donning the 'coach' hat.

Re: pain, it might not be as bad as you're expecting. Have a bag of coping skills that you have practiced daily prior to birth, primary among them the ability to relax and make your whole body melt like butter during and between contractions. If you are a really in-your-head kind of person, doing some meditation on one word or image, something that you can use to clear your mind of babbling or analytical thoughts, is also good. My personal favorite is the letter O - big, round, O is for open, like you want your cervix to be, and you can say Oooooo during contractions. If you can stay loose and breathe, and let your primitive brain take control from the frontal cortex, the rest will take care of itself in terms of positions, pushing, etc. Your body is smart, and it will work with the baby.

Oh, and get regular chiropractic adjustments from somebody trained in prenatal and Webster technique. I think it's also worth the monetary outlay.

[luckiest]

I can completely sympathize with you - I work retail, and up until very recently when I went part-time, I literally almost never saw my husband. He works regular business hours, and I was working until 8 or 10 almost every weeknight, plus most weekends. We'd have dinner together maybe twice a week, and if we got a whole day together on the weekend it was magical.

We are also living across the country from any of our family. They are supportive of our homebirth, but they're so far away it's like it almost doesn't count. We've made some friends out here, but they're all in very different places in life.

Starting our childbirth classes has helped with the community feeling - meeting other couples in the area who are having homebirths. I also plan on starting going to LLL meetings to meet some folks and feel more connected to the community.

I think that given your circumstances, it's probably pretty normal to be feeling overwhelmed and scared. I would just encourage you to seek out some support and like-mided folks, and to read and listen to some good, positive birth stories. Spiritual Midwifery and Ina May's Guide are full of great birth stories to get you in a good headspace for your own birth.

[LHcj2008]

Thank you all so much for your replies. I feel a little less overwhelmed just reading what each of you has written to me. I have read Ina May's Guide to Childbirth, though I didn't get through every birth story but was amazed by the ones I did read (I read the majority of them). Also, talking with a sister of a friend I had in NYC who has had 3 HBs (her first one lasted 39 hours!) was really what convinced me to do it in the first place (I had been thinking birth center prior to that). But then since moving down here I just feel very alone and "in my head" all day, so at times I think I'm going crazy!

I did post a message in the Finding Your Tribe board on here to see if anyone can recommend an expectant moms group in my area, or if anyone individually is going through similar things (first-time mom, etc.) that would like to meet up. I also have been planning to stop by the local LLL chapter because another one of my preoccupations is what to expect from nursing...until I got pregnant I actually assumed it is one of those things that you just DO and was surprised at how successful breastfeeding is not always a guarantee and that you have to work at it sometimes.

A doula and child-birth classes were both expenses that I have been trying to avoid, not because we can't afford it per se, but because of all the transitioning going on this year we are just trying to avoid expenditures that aren't completely necessary (and yes, if we keep spending like we have been these past 2 months right before and after we moved, we won't be able to afford it! We don't want to tap into our savings this year if we can help it, and still would like to contribute to our savings if we can...at least, we hope.) Since I'd heard many people say that their child-birth classes weren't really worth it, that is why I decided not to take one and avoid the $400+. Yoga I am doing at home on my own time as well instead of paying for classes. As far as a doula, I did bring that up to my husband last week, which seemed to sort of stir him up a bit...I think he became sort of defensive because I approached it as "I am nervous lately and am thinking that I am going to need more support during my birth since you're too busy to prepare for this with me"...maybe not the best approach on my part. I think what several of you said about letting him play the role of father and husband and not birth-coach will actually probably be better for the both of us...I won't have any expectations of him, and he won't feel pressured to hold it all together. I'm wondering though, if I'm having a HB with my midwife and her birth assistant present, would a doula be too much? Or would it be worth the money (assuming I have a good one obviously)?

If a doula would be worth the expense, I'd definitely look into it, especially if I can feel supported and have someone by my side who can reassure me if I'm scared or not helping myself out with positioning, etc.

[peainthepod]

In my experience, the doula is worth every single penny. And emphasize to your husband that she's there to support you in the littler things so he doesn't have to worry about them! A doula will help you remember to use the bathroom during labor, get you cold things to drink when you start to feel thirsty, mop your brow, apply counterpressure on your hips to help during the strongest contractions, or just sit there and be in the room if that's what you want. This frees up your husband to experience the birth with you.

There's plenty of evidence that women who have a doula attend their birth have better outcomes--fewer complications, even shorter labors and less pain during labor. It's not about your husband not being "good enough", but about you wanting to give yourself every possible advantage during labor.

My DH has kind of a superman complex himself sometimes; he was skeptical about having a doula at our son's birth. This time around he was the one pressuring ME to interview doulas ASAP to be sure we'd have one. He's very pro-doula now.

Good luck and keep us posted! I think if you click with your doula and find her to be a calming, loving presence when you're not in labor, having her there won't feel like too much. If anything, it will be immensely reassuring. If a midwife (and assistant) is the more clinical, objective part of the birthing team, the doula is the emotional support who doesn't have to stay a little detached, doesn't make executive decisions, doesn't do anything but just...be there. I won't give birth without one if I can help it.

[IdentityCrisisMama]

I've never considered a doula...I think I'm one of those few who feel like a homebirth doesn't need a doula. Perhaps that's an archaic idea. I can't imagine there would have been room for the role of a doula in my first birth but I did have a friend there so maybe she was taking the space (emotional and physical) a doula would have used.

I will say that I also did not consider DH to be a birth coach - at all. It honestly is just not something that fits with our relationship. He and I have very different ideas of how to sympathize and help a person when they're going through physical pain. I knew from the beginning that I didn't want him in that role.

For me, my MW and her assistant were all I could really deal with when it came to people to look to for support.

[luckiest]

I was also sort of hesitant to hire a doula for the same reasons - I'll have my mom, two midwives and my husband, what do I need a doula for? But the midwives very strongly recommended at least meeting with a few, and now it makes more sense to me.

I'm sure different midwives operate differently, but ours don't come to the house until you're absolutely in active labor. They want to be as "fresh" and alert as possible, so especially with first-timers, they don't come until you're good and cooking. The doula gets there much earlier and can be the one to decide when to call the midwives.

Also, being the support person is tiring! If what's getting you through contractions is a strong massage or hip squeezes, papa's going to get tired at some point and need a stand-in. Yes, that person could be your midwife or her assistant, but I've always thought of their role as more clinical, I guess. I want their focus to be on keeping up the chart, monitoring vitals, etc, rather than getting me through the labor.

Our doula also includes a couple post-partum visits where she does some light cleaning and cooks a meal for us -- that in itself seems worth it to me! She's also a massage therapist and includes a prenatal massage in her package.

It obviously isn't for everyone, and I think you have to take into account the way your midwife normally operates as well.

My husband didn't resist the idea of a doula, but I could tell he was definitely in the "I'll be there, what do we need her for?" camp. After talking with the doula about her role, I think he was hugely relieved - he'll have someone to coach him on what to do, he won't have the pressure of needing to know "when to call" and all that. I think of her as being there as much to support him as me.

[47chromosomes]

I think everything you are feeling is normal for 27 weeks, and doing this for the first time. And gosh, the stress. Hang in there. Things will calm down. You will find a rythme to life in your new location. It just takes time. And when you are pregnant it is so easy to see what is coming, the huge life change, and feel like everything needs to fall into place NOW.

I think all these things are things to open up to your DH about in a very non-judgemental way. Giving some support to him and all the changes he is going through is warranted. Asking for some support in return is fair. Also, share all these feelings with your midwife. Ask her advice. Does she know any up-and-coming doula's who could attend the birth for free. Other advice. Share your fears and your stress. This is all part of the benefit of the home birth midwifery model of care. I know our midwifes sometimes play the place of birth professional, and sometimes the place of shrink. Its all part of the process.

Be generous to yourself and to dh and your babe, and even to the non-supportive family. This is a big change. New territory. But, gosh, people have been doing this since creation, so just remember your body will do this for you. No classes necessary. You can do it.

[IdentityCrisisMama]

Originally Posted by 47chromosomes

Be generous to yourself and to dh and your babe, and even to the non-supportive family. This is a big change. New territory. But, gosh, people have been doing this since creation, so just remember your body will do this for you.

[SilverLace]

I think you've gotten a lot of good advice and perspective so far. I just wanted to add that I had my first with a very un-supportive boyfriend. I was worried, just like you, about how I was going to do it myself.

And then I realized that I was going to do it by myself. My midwives would be there to help me.... but ultimately me and my baby were going to do the work.

It was a really freeing thought for me. I thought I needed certain things in place, but in the end I just needed to be healthy and determined.