DH is way too permissive with DDs

[Tortuga Mama]

We have an 8 year old dd who, when she doesn't get what she wants, acts like a 2 year old having a tantrum. It is becoming socially awkward as other adults (and kids sometimes) are clearly uncomfortable. I understand that she does this since it's worked for her in the past (the tantrums, excessive whining, fake crying loudly). I have tried hard to lovingly and patiently provide some limits, but my dh keeps overriding it all.

When I ask dd to pick up, he says "I'll do it, she's tired" or "let her do it tommorrow" or "give her a break today" The problem is he ususally does this and only sometimes makes her pick up. If she asks for milk in a demanding way "I said give me some milk" and I ask her to try again and say please, he will just grab the milk from me and pour it for her and in front of her say to me "give her a break, she has to get ready for school".

I keep trying to explain to dh that her behavior is causing her to be socially strained but he just says "then she doesn't need to hang out with those people". I know he loves her but I don't know what to do. When I point this stuff out he just says "oh right, you have all the answers and I do everything wrong"

We have an older dd who is also at times rude to other adults, doesn't answer when spoken to by other adults, is mean to friends.

Overall they are great kids, but I know the permissive parenting is hurting them socially. How do I get my dh on board?

[MaRa93635]

Hi ;-) I would like to know what dd dh and the rest of d's mean? I think its daughter husband. just want to be clear lol

I would sit dad done and say look we need to come to an agreement on how to handle these situations. and tell him how it is and he needs to comply because what we are doing is not working.. NO more excuses!

[limabean]

Originally Posted by MaRa93635

Hi ;-) I would like to know what dd dh and the rest of d's mean? I think its daughter husband. just want to be clear lol

DD = dear daughter
DH = dear husband

Here's a link that explains common MDC (er ... that is, Mothering.com ) acronyms more thoroughly -- it looks like a lot, but you get used to them over time. Welcome to MDC!!

[staceychev]

Welcome to MDC, Tortuga mom! (Wish I was in the Caribbean now... )

Anyway, that's a really tough situation. One thing that's helped me in dealing with issues with DH (because really, this is a parent-to-parent issue, not a parent-to-child issue) is talking with him when we're not in the midst of the behavior in question, and certainly not in a stressful, getting-out-the-door in the a.m. sort of situation. Sit down with him when it's just the two of you and point out your concerns. I'd also say that it's probably not a good idea to be disputing your parenting philosophies in front of your DDs. If you have this conversation, definitely have it when DDs are in bed or off playing somewhere!

[AllisonR]

OP, just curious - did your DH have to work really hard as a child? If so, maybe now he feels doing the best for his children means giving them a break? My DH was the oldest of 5 children on a farm, and believe me, he had school, hard and monotonous chores, taking care of siblings...

So, IMO, he went 180 degrees opposite with DSS and DSD. He never expected them to have a chore or even clean up after themselves. I commented to him lots of times. It did this when I was frustrated with how selfish and self-centered DSS was. I did this when we were rushing around with our plates already full... It didn't work.

Finally we had a few conversations, less hard, when we were both relaxed, had the time and were listening. And instead of complaining about how DSS behavior was, I more gently brought up his background on the farm, how hard it must have been, how I felt he might be overcompensating and in a gentle way, what a huge disservice this was for his own children. And he was listening. And he could SEE what I was talking about from his DSS behavior. And he was hearing the same thing from several other people. So some of this stuck with him. And I think he has changed some. And he does not do this now with DD and DS. Sometimes it is even the opposite, where I will rush for the milk and he says "DD, can you ask nicely?"

So, not sure this fits your situation, but if so, I hope some of this helps.

[meemee]

as long as your dh is not completely going against your wishes like you ground her and he says no or wont do it - i think its fine.

in fact i think its pretty healthy to be on two different parenting styles.

it helps our children to be better able to handle life.

in our case my i am like your dh. i have a lot of weird rules and regulations in my house. my dd can be rude to me if its a means of venting. she can be mean and show her anger towards me. she does not have to use her manners around me. that's me and my style.

does she behave differently around you in public than she would around her dad.

i personally do not think our public image has to be the same as our private image. so i dont hold dd to the rules she has in public. she has to follow manners, etc.

but she is an intense child and even at 8 has thrown tantrums in public. i see other 8 year olds around us and some are showing not perfect social manners. i think its an age and if they have just started school an adjustment issue.

so i would say really step back and see. is she behaving like a 'spoilt, insensitive brat'. one of dd's friends always acted like a baby. always. but even now at 8 we notice she is growing up and not doing it so much.

its an extremely fine line to draw and not to be autocratic. i know if ex and i had been together we'd have a hard time with our parenting differences. yet on the major basic things we agree upon so it wouldnt be that big a problem - like diet, GD, no spanking, etc.