Discipling a almost 6 year old when she hits mommy

[MaRa93635]

Need some advice. I have a daughter who has authority issues with myself and anger towards me and some violence. SO how do you discilpine a child when they hit you twice for the first time? do you take privaleges away? Like tv time playing outside with friends, computer? what is logical in this case? Of course the obvious telling them its not acceptable to hit any one and to go to your room to cool off.

But when you have to chase a child around a couch many times to get her to go to the room doesn't help. She refuses to go to room I have to physically drag her there, then hold the door so she doesn't leave until she stops trying to leave. and sometimes it is never. Then when she is mad she is saying mean and disrespectful things. Do you add that on to the "punishment"? Where do you draw a line? Trying to discipline her for hitting then she starts doing all these other things. Should I just stick with the hitting and forget the rest. She is out of control. Talking over a hysterical child does nothing its pointless.

I have enrolled in parenting classes 2 weeks ago and we are on the topic of effective discipline. But I need specific help. I want to do the right thing so she and I can learn from this. This happened last night right before bed so we calm done enough to go to sleep and this morning got up for school and I told her we will talk about what happend when she gets home.
Help Me!!! ;-) <3

[Diane B]

I have a six year old who also occasionally loses her temper and hits or kicks. The number one thing, I think, is to try your best to stay calm and regulated yourself. Whatever it takes! Sometimes, I have to go sit on the back step, count to 10, take deep breaths. I can't ask my daughter to de-escalate when I'm also out of control.

Then, we have discussed and agreed in advance, during a calm time, that it is not ok for her to hit or kick. When she does, I give her one chance to stop, or she loses her screen time the next day. Usually, she is then able to calm down.

She also sometimes gets mad and calls me "stupid." Once again, we came to an agreement during a calm time that we do not use language like that. I have found that a calm but firm reminder usually produces an apology and stops the behavior.

But the larger context is important too. We make sure, generally, that our daughter has enough sleep and regular food - it's hard to act appropriately when you're sleep deprived or hungry. We also try to deal with all kinds of feelings on an ongoing basis, especially the ones that lie underneath anger, usually sadness and fear. Finally, we always reconnect after an outburst in a positive way, usually by hugging, apologizing, laughing, playing a game or something that strengthens the positive feelings we have for each other.

I would definitely discuss this situation in your parenting class, and you might also want to post on the gentle discipline forum. It takes time to change patterns and behavior, but you can do it!

peace -

[phathui5]

In our house, we use time-out for hurting people. Hitting, pinching, etc.

If she hits you, I would put her in a chair, tell her she has a time out for hitting, set the timer for six minutes and walk away. Don't interact with her until her time is up. Even if she gets up, don't talk to her. Just put her back in the chair and reset the timer from the beginning. When the timer beeps, go talk to her and let her know that hitting in unacceptable and that if she hits, she will have to sit and not play.

[bartleby]

I am having this issue with my daughter (turning 6 in November). The last two days she's had huge episodes of anger, hitting, kicking, yelling. I attribute much of it to what's going on for her right now--just started full-day Kindergarten, is losing teeth, general growing pains. Still, I feel so helpless in the moment. She hits. I try to stay calm, say firmly that we do not hit each other. Hitting continues. I say I need to separate myself from her, suggest going to her room to cool off. She will not do anything willingly during these episodes, and instead runs after me when I try to give her space or continues hitting/kicking/screaming when I try to hold her close or be near her. It's exhausting.

Last night at bedtime, she did say she was really sorry for everything and that it's hard for her to feel sorry when she's mad. So at least I know she truly knows it's not acceptable behavior.

Trying time-outs with her would be almost laughably futile, and would likely escalate her emotions. I am reluctant to try taking away privileges because I was always of the impression that such a consequence is too far removed from the actual behavior for it to make sense or be fair. I don't know. I'm still trying to figure out how to support her when she's feeling this way but still not allow myself to be followed around and hit or be near her and hit. She's getting too big to be able to really help her control her body, you know?

[phathui5]

bartleby, I think that time-out would be futile if you let it be. It sounds like, at this point, that she is far too comfortable taking her negative emotions out on you in a physical way. I really think that by not strongly communicating to her that hurting other people in unacceptable, you are teaching her that what she is doing is ok.

She's six, not two or three. You do not have to support her while she is hitting you. If she is hitting you, it is perfectly fine for you to say in a firm voice, "Go into your room and do NOT come out until you are going to be gentle. I do NOT want to be around you when you are hurting me."

[Diane B]

Originally Posted by bartleby

Trying time-outs with her would be almost laughably futile, and would likely escalate her emotions. I am reluctant to try taking away privileges because I was always of the impression that such a consequence is too far removed from the actual behavior for it to make sense or be fair. I don't know. I'm still trying to figure out how to support her when she's feeling this way but still not allow myself to be followed around and hit or be near her and hit. She's getting too big to be able to really help her control her body, you know?

I think that most 6 year olds would understand losing something important tomorrow - my daughter now gets that and responds. We don't do time-outs at our house either, because usually when our daughter is upset, she is actually needing more, not less, connection with us. I think it depends on your child and the situation though.

Also, we support our daughter dealing with her feelings and taking care of her anger...but hitting is not an appropriate way to do so. We're not asking our daughter to stuff her feelings, but we are asking her to take care of them in appropriate ways.

[phathui5]

I agree that it does depend on the family, and the consequence doesn't have to be a time-out, but I do think that just talking to children about hitting (especially when they're still doing it at six years old) isn't going to stop the behavior.

Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline talks about hitting. I think that the author's advice is great. She gives the example of a brother hitting his sister. His mom says "You have a choice. You may hit your sister to get the book, or you may ask your sister for the book by saying, 'Give me my book.' If you chose to hit your sister again instead of talking to her, you will play in your room alone for the rest of the day." The brother proceeds to hit his sister again and the mom in the example calmly lets him know that he will be spending until dinnertime in his room, at which point they can talk about ways to get things from his sister that don't involve hitting.

She calls it the GAMES technique:

G- Give guidance through limits, possible outcomes and choices
A- Allow the child to experience the consequence of his choices
M- Model self-control
E- Offer empathy
S- Help the child reflect on new strategies

[bartleby]

That's useful. Thank you. Today, I was reading through a book called Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles (a book I bought years ago, but never read until now). It also had some useful information about discovering your child's temperament and figuring out how they soothe/calm themselves when they are upset or stressed. It occurred to me that my daughter may need a physical outlet to relieve stress, and in the moment I (or the dog) am an easy target. Today, in a calm and connected moment I asked her if when she is feeling really angry, she feels like she needs space or like she needs attention and closeness with me. She did not answer verbally, but instead pressed herself against me in a tight hug.

I think that reminding her that she can ask for what she needs in those moments instead of acting out physically might help. She knows it's not proper behavior. After a huge episode the other day, later that night she said, "I'm really sorry for everything that happened today. When I feel mad, it's hard to feel sorry. But I'm sorry now."

I will check out Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline. The title itself describes my daughter quite well!