Discipling a 6 year old when she hits mommy

[MaRa93635]

Need some advice. I have a daughter who has authority issues with myself and anger towards me and some violence. SO how do you discilpine a child when they hit you twice for the first time? do you take privaleges away? Like tv time playing outside with friends, computer? what is logical in this case? Of course the obvious telling them its not acceptable to hit any one and to go to your room to cool off.

But when you have to chase a child around a couch many times to get her to go to the room doesn't help. She refuses to go to room I have to physically drag her there, then hold the door so she doesn't leave until she stops trying to leave. and sometimes it is never. Then when she is mad she is saying mean and disrespectful things. Do you add that on to the "punishment"? Where do you draw a line? Trying to discipline her for hitting then she starts doing all these other things. Should I just stick with the hitting and forget the rest. She is out of control. Talking over a hysterical child does nothing its pointless.

I have enrolled in parenting classes 2 weeks ago and we are on the topic of effective discipline. But I need specific help. I want to do the right thing so she and I can learn from this. This happened last night right before bed so we calm done enough to go to sleep and this morning got up for school and I told her we will talk about what happend when she gets home.
Help Me!!! ;-) <3

[4evermom]

Rather than focusing on how to punish/discipline, I'd first look at what is causing her to act that way... I'd make sure I'm treating her the way I would expect to be treated by another adult.

My ds always handled being told what to do, especially suddenly and without explanation, rather poorly. He's a pretty reasonable kid but I have to treat him respectfully for it to come out. So I wouldn't just say "it's bedtime now" or "pick that up now". He needs time to transition (not any more than any one else) and switch gears. I'd say "let's get ready for bed when you are done that game."

I'm not sure what set your dd off but frequently tweaking how you make requests can get a very different response from kids.

I learned growing up with siblings to never tell someone to do something unless you could/would make them. Chasing a kid and holding their door shut is no good. She's just going to get faster, bigger, and stronger. Also, your getting physical with her in that way makes it easy for her to justify being physical back.

Then there are some kids that have food sensitivities, aren't getting getting enough sleep, or have difficulties regulating their emotions for whatever reason. It's hard to even guess what might be going on in your household and what might help without more info. What to do really depends on why she acts the way she does.

[MaRa93635]

I will ask more questions on why she is acting like this. and try to talk it through and let her know there is different ways of handling her anger. And what she can do different next time. She told me that the reason she said that I was"stupid" was she needed to let it out. I get it but what is a right way of doing it at her age?

I think next time there is a need to cool off and she refuses to go in to her spot then I will leave the room and let her have the room she is in. And separate myself from her until she is ready to calm down. Its a start and take it from there. Thank You for your word ;-)

[janasmama]

It's hard to not take name-calling personal but it is so important to just let it roll of your back when one of our children name-calls us out of anger. You can tell them you don't like it but I think that in situations when kids are angry like your daughter is, too much talking is ineffective. Sometimes I don't tell my daughter to do anything except that it is "time to be quiet, right now." This goes along with my parenting style though and is reflected in other ways through out our weeks so it is understood and well received most of the time. In my experience in situations like this, in the whole picture of things the child hasn't done a whole lot wrong to deserve any type of punishment or discipline at that. I see it has a snowball effect of reactions on two people's parts. If one of those people (the parent) can just de-escalate the conversation then it is easy to see that that itself was the solution.

This is a rough age for kids...lots of transitions, feelings about peers, etc. You are not alone.

[madskye]

I have a thread down a bit, but I just read The Explosive Child and recommend it. It's mostly about not getting to the point where you are chasing the kid around and having to enforce punishments and instead helping your DD deal with her frustrations and and problem solve. It was pretty good.

Obviously, my DD is still having tantrums at 5 so I am no expert, but one thing I did with hitting (and to avoid that chasing around time out problem) is to very calmly let her know (when we are not fighting) that hitting equals no tv for the rest of the week. Period. We do not hit. Then, when a tantrum would escalate I could say, If you hit, the TV will go away and she could check herself a bit. Not perfect, but in that way I felt I made myself clear that hitting has a consequence, and also I didn't have to contribute more to the drama of the meltdown.

[MaRa93635]

Thanks ladies. I really appreciate it ;-) I will check out the book and try some new stuff