Foster-adoption gift registry

[nicolelynn]

We are in process to foster-adopt. We have requested a child under 2 (any sex, any race). My SIL and a friend are throwing a shower for us to get a few things together for CCL. In CA we have to have a bed(crib), drawers (a dresser), etc.

Since we don't know what sex or exact age of the child I am not sure where to start with supplies. We have no bio children so we are starting from scratch.

Any experience with this? Making a registry and/or what basic things to have on hand? We realize a lot of stuff we will just buy once we have a placement (like clothes, age appropriate items).

[Polliwog]

Hmmm. I don't know. My son was two when he came home and my STBAD was nine months. I don't think I used any of the same things with them (because of age, not gender.) Other than the booster seat that attaches to a kitchen chair (used as a booster with DS and as a high chair for DD.)

Zero to two is a really big age range when you are looking at supplies and toys. I guess I would have them stick to the furniture that you mentioned and maybe some toiletry related things (California Baby is one of my favorites.) But if it was me, I'd probably get the furniture myself (so I could have what I wanted) and have a shower when a placement is offered. Even with something as basic as a stroller, I'd wait. I know that I preferred a more lightweight, and smaller folding, stroller with my DS than I did with my DD.

[marsupial-mom]

I was in a similar situation. look for items that convert. Our carseat went from 5 pounds to 85 so it could accommodate a wide age range. Stroller had lots of options too. Stick to neutrals for clothes and room decor: yellow, green, brown, red, orange. Get two items in each size, one that works as pjs and one daytime outfit. For toys, try to stick to things that are 0+ for now. Books are good. After you get to know the kid you'll get a better idea of what is safe for them and suits their personality.

The good news is that the basics work for any gender and most infants: crib, rocking chair, carseat, changing table, outlet covers...

Also, you'll probably have some time between the phone call "will you accept placement of a 9 month old girl" and when you go pick her up. So you can shop more then.

[MissinNYC]

I am not familiar with foster-adopt- is this a guaranteed placement? Like, you get a placement and adoption is pretty likely? Or is it kids with some legal risk, or kids who are not TPRed yet?

If it's the first situation, I think a showeror registry is lovely. If it's the second or third, I would not do it.

In terms of supplies, I'd get a booster seat that goes from infant to toddler, a good carseat that lasts 0-65 lbs, basic clothing in a few sizes (like 2-3 sleeper type outfits in a couple sizes), crib, crib bedding, potty, stroller, carriers, etc.

good luck!

[pumpkingirl71]

Originally Posted by MissinNYC

I am not familiar with foster-adopt- is this a guaranteed placement? Like, you get a placement and adoption is pretty likely? Or is it kids with some legal risk, or kids who are not TPRed yet?

If it's the first situation, I think a showeror registry is lovely. If it's the second or third, I would not do it.

Personally, I think it is totally fine to have a shower, even if there is a question of the placelment being permanent. As the mom of a child who was adopted from the state, I think that our society does not know how to honor these adoptions and a shower is a nice idea.

To the OP, are you comfortable (or are your friend and SIL comfortable) with a list instead of a registry. I think gifts like gift cards to join zoos/musuems or indoor play grounds or other activities would be more appropriate than clothes and furniture in this situation.

[MissinNYC]

Originally Posted by pumpkingirl71

Personally, I think it is totally fine to have a shower, even if there is a question of the placelment being permanent. As the mom of a child who was adopted from the state, I think that our society does not know how to honor these adoptions and a shower is a nice idea.

To the OP, are you comfortable (or are your friend and SIL comfortable) with a list instead of a registry. I think gifts like gift cards to join zoos/musuems or indoor play grounds or other activities would be more appropriate than clothes and furniture in this situation.

I don't mean that it's not okay, just that it can be painful and awkward if the child does not stay. I know most foster parents go through many children before one is adopted. How many showers/registries can one have? And if the goal of the child is reunification, I feel that a registry or shower is inappropriate, because you shouldn't think of it as your child, but as a foster child. If you have a shower for the first child and assume you'll adopt, your heart may be broken. Of course this doesn't apply if it's an adoption without much legal risk.

[pumpkingirl71]

Originally Posted by MissinNYC

If you have a shower for the first child and assume you'll adopt, your heart may be broken. Of course this doesn't apply if it's an adoption without much legal risk.

I do think you have to think about the shower differently. The gifts are for the parents to set up their home, not the child. This mom is still waiting for a placement. If the gifts were for the child, then the gifts would go if the child was sent to another home.

[marsupial-mom]

I agree with pumpkingirl, the gifts are for the home and the parents mostly, to help them take care of a child. But this brings up an issue, which is why we chose not to have a shower: people who are unfamiliar with foster parenting can get very confused and it can be awkward.

People have all these ideas about children. And they really seriously refrain from getting involved or attaching to kids whose lives are uncertain. It's sad how much people try to spare themselves pain by closing off their hearts.

[KCMichigan]

I agree with the gift cards, then you can use them for anything you may need- when you need it (no out of season or wrong sizes)

I also would suggest (as PP did) convertable items. A crib that can convert to a toddler bed and twin- that way you have all three, so whatever you need.

Books, simple games (young child could grow into), Music CDs, maybe classes (Mommy and me , Kindermusik) that could be from 6 weeks to 5 years, a zoo pass, furniture (book case, rocker, toy shelf, decor), supplies (diaper cream, lotion, kid shampoo, etc), memory book, photo books, blankets, feeding supplies (toddler silverware, bowls, bibs,etc), booster seat for feeding, a wagon, a swing or small playset....

Anything that is too 'old' could be put away for a year or two.

Enjoy! I think it is a great idea! My SIL had a shower before the child was placed and got gender neutral items (she did a private domestic adoption) for any gender infant. They had to have a room ready BEFORE a baby was placed to show they had the items for the homestudy.

[Polliwog]

I guess I'm just not a stuff person. I didn't buy a lot of that stuff when I started fostering, or since then. And I don't like stuff just sitting around unused. I got the basics that I needed to get licensed and then got what I needed when each child was placed with me.

[Smithie]

"I don't mean that it's not okay, just that it can be painful and awkward if the child does not stay. I know most foster parents go through many children before one is adopted."

In my state, foster-to-adopt has a goal of permanency from Day One. Not all kids in the program are TPRed at placement, but their cases are not switched over to the adoption unit until reunification has been formally rejected as an option by social services. For sure, there is no expectation that a typical foster-to-adopt family will "go through" more than the one placement.

If things are similar in the OP's state, then a shower is a lovely idea. I don't expect a shower as our foster-to-adopt placement will be older and we have 3 biokids already - but the idea of somebody wanting to throw a party to celebrate our new arrival instead of acting uncomfortable and scared when they hear that we're "expecting" - it sounds great to me!!!! OP is lucky.

[WifeMomChiro]

Have you considered waiting to have the shower until after the child is in your home? A friend of mine did that.

[Polliwog]

Originally Posted by Smithie

In my state, foster-to-adopt has a goal of permanency from Day One. Not all kids in the program are TPRed at placement, but their cases are not switched over to the adoption unit until reunification has been formally rejected as an option by social services. For sure, there is no expectation that a typical foster-to-adopt family will "go through" more than the one placement.

I have three friends who were in similar situations. Social services recommended termination. The judge had other thoughts and the children ended up either reunified with their birth parents or remaining in foster care for quite a while before TPR actually occurred. There are no guarantees. No matter what an agency might say.

[zombie]

I would wait to have a shower. We almost got a 4 year old boy. Then we almost got 9 month old twins. Finally we were placed with a 4 month old girl. Totally different needs. We had a shower 2 weeks after we got our daughter.

[christophersmom]

I would wait. We requested a baby 0-5 boy or girl. We had a full size bed and plain dresser in the room.
When we found out we were getting DD, we bought a crib that week and sold the full-size bed and replaced the knobs on the dresser with some cute pink glass ones.

[Smithie]

"There are no guarantees. No matter what an agency might say."

No certainty about anything, this side of the grave. But we don't intend to take a placement where we don't intend and hope for permanency, and OP may feel the same way and it's nice that that feeling is acknowledged by her support network. We don't forgo biobaby showers because - god forbid - something may be fatally wrong with the fetus, and I'm not sure we should forgo similar celebrations for expectant adoptive families because disruption may - god forbid - occur. Sometimes you need to take the hope and run with it. It doesn't mean that there's a denial of all possible realities.

[NiteNicole]

Originally Posted by WifeMomChiro

Have you considered waiting to have the shower until after the child is in your home? A friend of mine did that.

That's what we've done in my family and it's worked out well, registry and all. Certainly the parents had a much better idea of what they would actually need.

Best wishes to you, OP!

[Polliwog]

Originally Posted by Smithie

"There are no guarantees. No matter what an agency might say."

No certainty about anything, this side of the grave. But we don't intend to take a placement where we don't intend and hope for permanency, and OP may feel the same way and it's nice that that feeling is acknowledged by her support network. We don't forgo biobaby showers because - god forbid - something may be fatally wrong with the fetus, and I'm not sure we should forgo similar celebrations for expectant adoptive families because disruption may - god forbid - occur. Sometimes you need to take the hope and run with it. It doesn't mean that there's a denial of all possible realities.

I don't think the two situations are remotely comparable. Taking a child pre-TPR brings a real possibility that the child might not stay. The judge might deny it, a relative or family friend might come forward (which happened in my STBAD's case,) etc. In this case, the biological parents still have rights. Just because social services has closed the door doesn't mean that the door can't be opened again. And in some religions and cultures, baby showers aren't held before a baby is safely born. For the reasons you gave (and others.) For me, the issue isn't really whether or not a specific child stays or not. I was just responding to your post. But, you won't really know what you NEED or WANT until you get the placement. And you'll have to have the needed items whether or not the child ends up staying. And you might end up getting stuff that you will never use and will just be a waste.

My personal opinion is to keep purchases general before a child is placed and save additional purchases for when a child is placed. There are things that are general necessities (like cribs and car seats,) but other things are really variable and more specific to an individual child (particularly formula and bottle/nipple types.)

[pumpkingirl71]

I have to say, I disagree with those who say wait. I do think there are benefits of waiting. But if you wait, then the child ends up in the middle of all of this. We had a party when my daughter came home and looking back, it was waaaay to much for her to handle.

[zombie]

Originally Posted by pumpkingirl71

I have to say, I disagree with those who say wait. I do think there are benefits of waiting. But if you wait, then the child ends up in the middle of all of this. We had a party when my daughter came home and looking back, it was waaaay to much for her to handle.

The child doesn't have to be at the shower.