Foster-adoption gift registry - Page 2

[Smithie]

I would say that a child older than an infant should definitely NOT be at any kind of placement celebration that happens in close proximity to their arrival, TPR or no TPR, because it would be too emotionally demanding. A child in a new foster-to-adopt placement shouldn't be expected to celebrate the fact that they've been placed. Another good reason to make a nice generic list and hang the party lights ASAP

Which brings us back to the OP's original question: what to register for?

Some thoughts, given the birth-2 age range:

1. Nursery furniture - convertible crib, dresser, toy box, hamper, lamp, little table and chairs - whatever you'd like to see in your house for the next several years. I would not get a changing table - massive waste of space at all stages IMO!

2. Gender neutral "toddler bedding" - this fits a crib sized mattress. At least two sets of sheets. Again, pick something that YOU think is lovely, as you may be looking at it for the next 5 years!

3. "Binkies" and other special objects, selected by your friends to resemble security items that they or their kids had as children. Blankets, stuffed toys, etc.

4. BOOKS. You cannot start too soon building a high quality collection of children's books.

5. Gift cards - Wal-Mart, Babies R Us, etc. You will need a whole bunch of plastic crap for awhile there, even if you and your spouse never use such stuff. Sippy cups, diapers, wipes, etc. etc. etc.

[zombie]

What is foster-adopt like where you live? Are you likely to get a child soon? Where I am, you may have to wait YEARS for a placement 0-2 years old.

[Maluhia]

I'd suggest a good-quality umbrella stroller that reclines fully rather than the bulky ones that carseats snap into. I was really happy with the Maclaren Techno XT - you can recline a non-newborn baby and also use it with an older toddler up to about four, although we mostly babywear this is great on a hot day and folds up small

[sagewinna]

Washclothes, bedding, ride on toys, nice wooden blocks/toys, open ended/ages stuff.

[MissinNYC]

Originally Posted by marsupial-mom

I agree with pumpkingirl, the gifts are for the home and the parents mostly, to help them take care of a child. But this brings up an issue, which is why we chose not to have a shower: people who are unfamiliar with foster parenting can get very confused and it can be awkward.

People have all these ideas about children. And they really seriously refrain from getting involved or attaching to kids whose lives are uncertain. It's sad how much people try to spare themselves pain by closing off their hearts.

I think you are perhaps misunderstanding what I meant. I don't mean that you should close off your heart. I am a foster parent. I know you cannot and should not do that. I simply mean that the whole idea of a registry or a shower can get awkward. IME, it's a little weird for someone to have a shower/registry when fostering, just because it's a whole different way of growing your family, and having a shower always seemed to me to be setting up an expectation of adopting or keeping the child. You don't have to close off your heart when fostering, but maintaining realistic expectations is good. I know a lot of FPs who have gone into it thinking they would adopt their first placement, lost the kid, and then been heartbroken and quit doing foster care.

[MissinNYC]

I'm not sure we should forgo similar celebrations for expectant adoptive families because disruption may - god forbid - occur.

I think the obvious difference here is that the "god forbid" is complicated in FC. I certainly agree with you WRT domestic infant adoption, or even international. But in the case of foster care, the other option is reunification, which is a GOOD thing. We should not go into foster care wanting to adopt kids who have not been TPRed, because the goal for those families is reunification. I could not in good faith say "God forbid I can't adopt this child!" because the child has a mother and every reasonable effort should be made at RU before TPR happens.

[Smithie]

But the OP is doing a foster-to-adopt program, not a straight-foster program. I keep running into this confusion online and maybe it's because things differ so much state-to-state, but in the program I'm working with, children placed in a F2A home are TOLD, by their adoption worker in the process of evaluating them for placement, that they are going to their "forever family." I'm not sure I agree with that approach (what if the placement disrupts for any number of reasons? What if the F2A parents can't parent the child effectively? What about that eleventh-hour relative?), but no kid gets into this program unless reunification is a god-forbid and all attempts at reconciliation have ceased. In my state, newborns are frequently put directly into this program if the mom has abandoned them at the hospital or is a multiple prior TPR, and older kids are frequently moved into this program when visitation attempts end and their TPR starts going through the courts. The OP's state may have a similar program, which is separate from the straight-foster program.

People DO adopt in my state out of straight-fostering, but that is a different process, involves getting a government check, involves facilitating reunification attempts, and deals with a different set of kids. Adoptions happen in that program if reunification fails and the case plan gets changed. If the case plan gets changed and the foster family does not wish to adopt or is not considered a good permanent placement, THEN the transfer to the other program takes place.

What you're doubtless getting from this, OP, is that public adoption is incredibly complicated and circumstances vary. It's definitely a good idea for you to connect with local F2A families and learn about their experiences with their placements. You may learn that there are some placement circumstances you should say yes to, and some placement circumstances that you should probably take a pass on. Around here, "TPRed mom John Doe dad" would be a placement that most F2A families would be happy to say yes to for a child age 0-2, where as "TPRed mom Dad has been noncompliant for a year but is still fighting" would be a very risky situation.

[Polliwog]

But until TPR is over with and any appeals are either denied or not accepted, it doesn't matter what a social worker tells a child. The judges make the final determination, not social workers, GALs, therapists, etc. Abandoned newborns are different or in cases where multiple TPRs have happened and the courts have said enough is enough (which happens but not often enough.) I don't think you can put older children (or children with big special needs) in the same category.

[Smithie]

"...until TPR is over with and any appeals are either denied or not accepted, it doesn't matter what a social worker tells a child."

It matters a whole heck of a lot. I know what you're saying WRT legal status, but if I am going to accept a child into my home who has been through one or more temporary placements and is now being told he is going to his forever family, then I am right there in that emotional boat with him. He might be taken from us, he might have problems we cannot handle and be removed from our care during the mandatory 6-month preadoptive placement - and my other son might be hit by a car tomorrow. For me, that's the way I need to look at it in order to keep my head on straight. If OP is involved with a similar state F2A program, she might have a similar stance.

[nicolelynn]

I totally forgot that I posted this haha!

I should have clarified a lot of things before starting this thread. Mainly: myself, my husband, all of our close family and friends all COMPLETELY understand that we are getting into a foster-adopt situation. In CA we are voluntarily getting put into the concurrent planning pool, and will very likely foster a few children before we adopt. Since we are willing to be in this pool, we will likely have a placement pretty quickly (there is an overwhelming amount of children in our system: the Coachella Valley of Riverside County). We also realize we could have a wait ahead of us.

For CCL we are required to have a few items for certification: a crib (and we'll get the kind that converts to a toddler bed), 3 drawers, a few changes of linens/clothes, Tot loks on everything, etc. We are starting from scratch so we at least need these things. Along with a car seat I'm guessing (so yes, we put a convertible one: up to 65 lbs). So our family/friends want to give us a shower to get these basic things together. We will wait to get age/sex specific items until placement, and these we will buy on our own instead of having repeated showers as we may have repeated placements.

I think I am pretty happy with my registry right now. Most everyone will be going in on the group gift of the furniture set and car seat anyways. Oh, and I agree about building our library soon as well =).

[queenjane]

Thats really nice that your family/friends are so supportive. I never got a shower for any of my kids (birth, foster or adoptive)...never a party, nothing. Im ok with that, but it might have been nice. And hopefully i'll finalize my two fosters in December...but thats so close to Christmas it seems a little redundant to throw a party.

[IncompetentHousewife]

A shower sounds like a lovely way to celebrate your foster licensing and prepare your home for a future child or children. Some have mentioned that friends and family sometimes do not understand the complexities and uncertainties of fost-adopt. Maybe the party would give you an opportunity to initiate those discussions. It's exciting that you're preparing for this new journey in your lives! Congratulations on making the decision and getting to this point.

I like the lists so far that mentioned the basics such as furniture and maybe gift cards. Some things I've used or appreciated from birth to 2:
- bibs
- one-size-fits-all/adjustable cloth diapers
- diaper bucket
- cloth wipes
- baby wash/diaper cream
- maybe a few basic clothes that could fit a range of sizes and genders, just to get by until you can shop for the specific child
- convertible carseat (mine goes from birth to age 3+)
- a baby carrier that would work from newborn to toddler
- might be nice to have just one or two bottles and sippy cups on hand

I appreciated those who made handmade blankets and quilts.

My in-laws gave us a digital camcorder, which was very nice. It's nice to have a point-and-shoot camera to capture a child's moments if you don't have one and some people asked about a joint gift.

Good luck!