10 year old boys?- Let's chat!

[mumm]

I'd love to hear what life is like in other families with 10 year old boys. I'm really struggling with my son right now. Well, really we've been struggling for about 10 years. I'm just not sure what realistic expectations are so I waffle a bit and then he sees the wiggle room and goes for it.

How/what does he eat? Are mealtimes pleasant? Where/how/when does he sleep? Personal hygiene? Friends and neighbors? Media exposure? Homework/schoolwork? Sports and activities? Is he happy? Are you happy with him? What are your struggles? Where you do you feel like things are going well?

Thanks!

[mattemma04]

My ds is only 8 but I wanted to comment anyway. Overall things are going well except for contact with kids outside of school.We don't live in a neighborhood,and despite invites no schoolmates have come over.I have my former coworkers 12yo boy over for the summer,but that and school is it.He has an 11yo sister,but she prefers music and computer to *playing*.

He has no interest in taking classes of any sort outside of school.He likes legos,video games,and animal care.He helps me with yard work too.
We have dogs,cats,meadow voles,toads,frogs,a rabbit,and 8 chickens.I NEED help and he is there for me feeding,cleaning,and herding the animals.

He just recently started sleeping in his own room.Weekdays I let them stay up till 9:30pm and weekends till 11.The kids have a tv in their rooms and put them on a timer,but usually ds is out in minutes and I turn off the tv.

Food choices are VERY limited.I don't force food(well I did 2 times as dh pushed it),but make the best of what he will eat.Dh can force feed if he wants. I give a vitamin and kefir to give a boost.In our house everyone has different tastes,so I am in essence a short order cook.I could force everyone to eat one meal,but I really don't want to stress the family over it(more so me!).It is quicker just to make what everyone wants and get out of the kitchen!

For the most part he seems happy,and I am happy with his behavior.Always polite.He will however still get a bit angry if he loses at a game or whatever.Working on that one.Really only the friend issue is a problem for us.Given all the the things that could be a problem I will deal with the lack of friends and count my blessings.

Hugs!

[Mirzam]

Hi, I have a 10 year old boy and he is the light of my life. The sweetest, easiest going kid you could hope to have.

But to answer your questions:

How/what does he eat?

He is pretty picky eater, but definitely getting better. The only meat proteins he will eat are chicken and turkey, usually roasted, broiled or barbecued. Not many veggies, and all raw, his favorites are carrots and cauliflower. He will eat salads, especially romain, so caesar salad is a big hit. He starts the day with a raw egg smoothie (three raw eggs, raw milk kefir, raw butter, cream and raw, unheated honey. He also loves scrambled eggs so can eat up to five eggs a day. He takes a lunch to school, which usually comprises a sandwich, usually turkey, lettuce, and cheese in a whole wheat roll-up (sometimes regular bread), yogurt, fruit, cheese and crackers, often a salad and some left-overs from dinner. He manages to eat most of it, he is a good eater, although skinny.

Are mealtimes pleasant?

Generally, he will eat without too much fuss, thought he does need to be reminded to use a fork, as he likes to eat with his fingers.

Where/how/when does he sleep?

He sleeps in his room, but occasionally comes into our bed at night. He is a good sleeper, goes to bed without fuss at 9.00 pm and is asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. I usually have to wake him around 7.15 am to get ready for school. Left, he would wake up between 7.30 to 8.00 am.

Personal hygiene?

Not great! He has to be reminded to take a shower, wash his hands when dirty. I also remind him to brush his teeth, but I am probably nagging, as he knows to do this.

Friends and neighbors?

He is quite a shy kid, but has a best friend since 1st grade, they are now in different schools, but still get together often. He is a popular boy at school, even though he is shy, he is somewhat charismatic, and very sporty, so he is looked up to. He is a kind empathetic child and is wonderful with little kids.


Media exposure?

He watches some tv. He likes shows like Junkyard Wars, Mythbusters etc. He does play computer games, but seems to limit himself well, so it is not an obsession.

Homework/schoolwork?

He is very conscientious about homework and school. He always does any homework without fuss, usually as soon as he gets home. This is a habit that is really a necessity as he has activities after school, so getting his homework done first takes a lot of pressure off us. He does well in school, is a hard worker, focused, no behavioral issues. Teachers love him!


Sports and activities?

He is extremely athletic. He plays for a MLS (Major League Soccer) U11 team and is the top player on the team. He wants to be a professional soccer player, so soccer is his life. He also rock climbs and is doing very well, he is fearless!

Is he happy?

Yes, he is a very happy kid.

Are you happy with him?

I couldn't be happier with him. He is a joy. Of course he has his moments, but they are few and far between. I don't think he has had more than four tantrums his whole life.


What are your struggles?

There really are no struggles with him. I would love it if he would be more adventurous with his food choices and it would be nice if he took a shower more often!

Where you do you feel like things are going well?

Things are going great; he does well in school, excels in soccer and climbing, is well-liked by his peers, and has no behavioral issues. He is secure enough that he is quite an independent kid. I feel I am blessed to have him as my son, and look forward to the man he will become.

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

Well, DS turned 11 last week (still can't believe he's that old!!! Or maybe that *I* am that old.), but I think I can still comment here...

Originally Posted by mumm

How/what does he eat? Are mealtimes pleasant?

Um.. whatever the family is eating? He does seem to need an ever increasing amount of heavy snacks. However, we've been struggling with a newly-diagnosed food issue and the resulting restrictions, so things have been more difficult lately for all of us. Yes, mealtimes are pleasant and generally revolve around conversations about whatever is going on in our lives.

Where/how/when does he sleep?

He sleeps in his room in a loft-double bed, as he has since he was about 6 and we re-did his room. For the longest time we were a part-time co-sleeping family (kids started in their beds, moved to ours at need) but he very rarely comes into our bed anymore. When he does, I know something is really wrong! DH or I still read aloud to him every night and spend the time to make sure he doesn't want to talk before going to sleep, but no longer stay with him until he is actually asleep. Bedtime is around 9 PM and he is up (without our help) by about 6-ish. Generally after reading time is when I get hit with whatever "big" questions are rumbling around in his head -- sex, girls, friendships...

Personal hygiene?

Getting more difficult. Or at least, smellier. He has definitely developed some BO in the last year or so and now needs deodorant (which he frequently forgets and needs a reminder on). Lately he has wanted the brand of shampoo and body wash all his friends are using (Axe) -- which I hate but doesn't seem worth the struggle to say no to. We've always been a shower-every-day family, and now its clear that is more important for him. He is also starting to develop some pimples so we've been trying to take care of his skin too. He still needs frequent reminders to make this part of his routine.

Friends and neighbors?

Friendships are either more intense or dying off, depending on the other child. Instead of being friends with everyone in the class, he is clearly friends with some and not with others. Boys and girls are seldom friends any more, which is sort of a shame. He goes to a small private school and there are only 7 boys in his class, and 6 of the 7 have been together since K. Only 2 are "friends" at this point. He does say he is looking forward to a new, bigger school next year where he hopes more people are like him and thus he can make more friends.

Media exposure? Homework/schoolwork? Sports and activities?

We have always been a "all things in moderation" family, so TV has always been part of his life. I was sort of sad when he switched from kid shows to more "teen" shows on the cartoon network. I can't say I like them much, but he seems to and I've never been too into censorship. He also plays with his Nintendo DS and the Wii, about the same as he always has.

Schoolwork takes about 1-2 hours each night, so there isn't too much time for TV anyway. He takes karate class and enjoys it, after deciding he didn't much like team sports (baseball) a couple of years ago. That is his primary activity outside of school.

Is he happy? Are you happy with him? What are your struggles? Where you do you feel like things are going well?

Mostly I think he is overall happy, though he clearly has moody days, and they are more intense than they used to be. There are some things about his life he would change if he could, but not much he actually can change. He seems to be looking forward to moving to middle school next year with some hopes that the social scene will get easier. I try to be positive but I had a *miiserable* time in middle school, so I don't know what to tell him!

I love the fact that he is still somewhere between child and teen. He still likes hugs and kisses, he still likes me to play with him, he still likes me to read and snuggle at night, he'll still hug me in front of his friends. I'm sure I'll lose this sometime in the next year, but for now I treasure it. Of course sometimes he is all moody young teen and I want to strangle him!

I struggle with how much he can do on his own and what sort of boundaries there should be. Its hard to balance my concerns for him and his need to start spreading his wings a bit. So far giving him a cell phone for when he is out and about on his own have helped us both be more comfortable. And I am deliberately trying to make sure he understands our family values and why we value them so he can make decisions on his own as needed. Sometimes I feel like this is the last chance to pour info into his head and heart before he won't listen or respect what I say any more. And that's a little scary!

Oh goodness, I think I just wrote a novel.

[phathui5]

My oldest will be 10 next week.

How/what does he eat? Are mealtimes pleasant?

He eats whatever is served. Mealtimes are pleasant. The rule at our house has always been that you don't have to eat something you don't like but you aren't allowed to complain about it. He's not a picky eater.

Where/how/when does he sleep? Personal hygiene?

He goes to bed between 9:30 and 10:30pm.

As far as hygiene goes, he does need to be reminded about things like washing his hair when he bathes and brushing his teeth in the morning. I'm trying to come up with ways to make these things habits so I don't have to bug him about it.

Friends and neighbors? Media exposure?

Lots of friends. He plays with the neighbor kids when they get home after school and on days that they're off from school. Media- There are websites that I've checked out and let him use. He's allowed about an hour of TV a day.

Homework/schoolwork? Sports and activities?

We've always homeschooled. That's going well. I enjoy it and he usually says that he's glad that he doesn't go to school. He does a variety of sports at the YMCA.

Is he happy? Are you happy with him? What are your struggles? Where you do you feel like things are going well?

He generally seems happy. I am definitely happy with him. I think that he's a great guy. The struggle for me is how much freedom to give him and how much to supervise. Lately, he's been wanting to stay home alone while I take the little kids places, so we've been trying it for short periods of time.

[zebra15]

HI, I wanna chat!
Ds is 10, just turned the Big One-zero earlier this month.

Eating- No food issues, he will eat almost anything. I am NOT a short order cook, never have been. (If anything I am the one w. food issues LOL). Meal times are pleasant and with out issue. I cook one meal and thats it, unless its left over night.

Sleeping etc- he has his own room. Bed time is between 8-10pm. Since we homeschool waking up isnt too much of an issue. I do WOH but DS goes to a sitter so he doesn't reallly need to function like a school kid would. He showers at least 1x a day. DS needs reminders about teeth brushing but is good about everything else, including his asthma meds.

Friends/media ect- Since we HS his friends are limited but when he takes a class or activity he is quick to make friends. Its just hard to maintain those friends, he even passed out little business cards for summer camp and no one replied ugh. oh well. Ds has his own laptop for online classes and he is free to use the internet. He can watch tv etc, we have DVR and he sets up what he wants to record.

Homework/sports- Since we homeschool there isnt h/w but 'school' takes about and hr a day. (unschooling here). Ds isnt athletic but he loves art classes and drama. We are starting an art studio this week and I hope he has fun. Later this fall he will start a new drama class.

Over all I'm happy with DS. Homeschooling is what makes it work for us. We have our moments and being a single mom times do get stressful but overall he is great, easygoing and I wouldn't trade him for anything. Hes been like this from day one!

I give DS his space, I dont get worked up over little things, DS is his own person and I truly pick my battles and those battles are few and far between these days.

[Lisalee2]

How/what does he eat?
He eats whatever I make. I do plan meals around what I know our family likes, it almost always includes a salad. He can be a little picky about certain veggies but for the most part, he eats what's put in front of him. I try to cook all different kinds of food, we often eat Korean food, Indian, Mexican, pasta, casseroles, etc.

Are mealtimes pleasant?
Mealtimes are one of the most pleasant times of the day. He really enjoys waking up in the morning and finding out what's for breakfast. Dinnertime often turns into a crazy laugh fest because it's the one time Daddy's at the table and we have a good time. Occasionally, things will get a little tense because me or dh are upset about their manners, but that's mostly on us. Not really anything the kids are doing wrong, they're just kids after all.

Where/how/when does he sleep?
He and his 7yo sister share a room. They have bunkbeds. Bedtime is usually around 8:30-9 on weekdays and a little later on weekends, just depending if we're watching a movie, or came home late. He has no problem going to bed and doesn't like to stay up late. He's definitely a morning person.

Personal hygiene?
I do have to remind him to brush his teeth in the morning, but he remembers on his own at night. He takes a bath or shower every night unless we get crazy busy. Then it's just wash hands face/feet/brush teeth and good night! He doesn't really have any BO issues yet.

Friends and neighbors?
We have one neighbor that comes over to play about once a week, other than that, he mostly plays with his sister (they're best buddies). We do have cousins come over to play and he gets to hang out with friends at church and Taekwondo class. That is one area where I think he could improve, but mostly, it's my responsibility to get him out there in more group/friend activities. He wants to join Boy Scouts so we're going to try that out.

Media exposure?
He gets to have a turn on the computer to play games (pbs kids, nick, spongebob, club penguin) every other day for about 45 min. The other days, he can watch cartoons with his sister, about an hour. We also watch shows together as a family a few nights a week (Survivor, Mythbusters, Cash Cab, Food shows)

Homework/schoolwork?
We homeschool, usually have sit down schoolwork time for about 2-3 hours per day. This is broken up to have break/snack time. He also takes piano lessons so every other day or so, he'll practice for about half an hour. He usually has a good attitude during schoolwork, unless there is a certain subject that frustrates him, then he can start getting annoyed.

Sports and activities?
He takes Taekwondo classes 2x per week. We also go to church on Wednesday nights. Other than those things and piano, there are no other structured activities.

Is he happy?
I think he's a very happy kid.

Are you happy with him?
I'm happy with him, there are times when I get frustrated about things like him staying focused or having a good attitude, but for the most part, he's a good kid and makes me happy to be his mom.

What are your struggles?
Mmmm...making sure he keeps up with where he should/could be as far as school goes. I struggle with the amount of time he spends with peers (I would like more, so would he I think)

Where you do you feel like things are going well?
I love that he and his sister are so close. They really are best friends, playing all the time. I feel like I really did well in that aspect. He's a sweetheart, and not rude or disrespectful, so I'm happy about that.

ETA: My son will be 10 in January.

[mumm]

Well I'm glad to hear that some folks do enjoy their 10 year olds. But it makes me feel worse about what is going on in our house. I don't really like him.

He is unable to fall asleep alone or sleep in a room alone, but if he shares a room with his sister he is terribly mean to her and then ballistic when she chooses to go sleep in her own room away from him. He's "too scared" to be alone. When he starts in my room he gets angry when I don't come to bed soon enough for him.

He is *NEVER* at fault. Homework left at home, my fault. He rode his bike straight into a tree (I saw it happen) and his sister, who was following behind on the sidewalk, then hit him. The entire accident was her fault. He forgets to bring money to the playground where he likes to buy lemonade, and we should all go home to get money and let his sister be late for soccer.

He would rather go hungry than eat something 'gross.' Not a big deal, kids will eat when they get hungry enough. Except he gets to the point where he is passing out, very dehydrated and weak. Then it truly is painful to eat when he stomach has shrunk. (And our families diet is not strict in any regards- we have a wide variety of meals and snacks and I'm not above eating ice cream everyday some weeks!)

We went to a therapist who said he seems like a perfectly normal child, albeit with some slight anxiety about certain situations. The pedi says he'll outgrow the hunger strikes and just try to keep him hydrated, but come back to keep checking his weight loss. (He is 5 ft tall and now weighs 52 lbs)

He will come home from school and be off with neighborhood kids playing happily for two hours (he has complete freedom to roam our neighborhood until 6pm) and then the minute he comes home he falls apart and can't cope with anything. Set the table? Start homework alone? Grab the milk to put on the table? Fold a napkin? All of those things seem like torture to him. I feel like he is going to be moving away from us in the next few years and yet most of the time we spend together now is fighting. Over things like brushing teeth, or picking up laundry. I don't know how to change this!

[LynnS6]

I've got a 9 1/2 year old, so I figure that's withing shouting distance.

Originally Posted by mumm

How/what does he eat?

He eats OK. I cook foods that I know our family will eat. Dh has some major sensory issues and basically eats meat, cheese and carbs. We have relatively few 'mixed' foods such as casseroles, and if I cooked a stir-fry, I'd be the only one eating it.

So, with that, he does eat fairly well. However, I have no idea how he lives on the amount he eats. I think that Nutella is what keeps body and soul together.

A typical day's eating would be:

Breakfast: Cereal with milk
Lunch: 1/2 a sandwich (of which he eats, maybe 1/2), an apple, yogurt
Afterschool snack: 2 T of Nutella
Dinner: rice curry with peas and carrots.
Snack: Nutella.
Bedtime snack: cereal bar or ice cream

So, he probably doesn't get enough veggies, but I'm just happy he gets some, as dh doesn't.

Are mealtimes pleasant?

Meal times are pleasant. He'll eat whatever he eats and then he leaves the table with his plate and put it in the sink. Some days, it's not much.

Where/how/when does he sleep?

In his own room 90% of the time. This is a big change from a year ago when he started in his own room and ended up in ours 99% of the time. (Now it's dd who's in our room 99% of the time.)

He goes to bed at 9:30, is usually asleep at 10. Wakes up at 7:15 with an alarm on school days, 7:45 on weekends (no alarm). We're trying to train him to not come into our room at 7:45 am on Saturday and ask "Can I play Wii?"

Personal hygiene?

Not so personal. He'll now brush his teeth without being prompted, but he won't bathe without being prompted and he still can't/won't wash his own hair. He's got some sensory issues and so he won't take showers. So, dh or I still wash his hair. I'm hoping to get him to do it for himself soon.

He changes into clean clothes daily and usually remembers to change his socks.

Friends and neighbors?

He's a pretty easy kid to get along with and has a few friends in the neighborhood. There aren't any boys his age, and the girls near his age seem to be growing away from him. He does fine at school, but doesn't have any close friends there either, it seems. So, he's a bit lonely sometimes, I think.

Media exposure?

More computer and wii than I like to admit, probably an hour or more a day. We don't do many movies because he's too sensitive to sound, and until recently, too sensitive to plot. I didn't need him coming in because he was anxious very night. No violent video games or websites. Mostly on the computer he follows baseball games on ESPN's gamecast. He's very into baseball and would watch a whole game every day if we let him.

Homework/schoolwork?

Doing just fine. He doesn't like to be challenged, but will rise to it if the teachers assign it. He hates it when I give him 'extra' stuff, so I don't.

Sports and activities?

he did baseball in the spring and is dong soccer in the fall. He likes them. He's not the best kid on the team, but not the worst. He's kind of quiet, so he doesn't always get noticed, but he plays hard and seems to enjoy himself.

The school has an afterschool program that he's doing 2x a week (fun classes) and he enjoys that.

Is he happy? Are you happy with him?

Generally, yes. He's a sweet kid and several people have spontaneously told me that recently. (One parent at school said her daughter said, "You know mom, T is just really nice." ) It warms my heart.

He's not very demonstrative and he won't come out and say if something is bothering him. So, I have to make sure that I spend enough time with him. His 'love languages' are spending time with us and acts of service. So I make sure that I do both.

I've noticed he's getting a little moodier these days, and has less patience for his little sister.

What are your struggles?

Self care. Independence. I feel like I'm still doing many things for him that other kids his age could easily do for themselves. He also doesn't like to be challenged in school work, though he's got the brain power to be able to. So finding the balance between pushing hard enough but not too hard.

Friends. Ds is an introvert and doesn't have the world's greatest social skills. He doesn't make friends easily (though he gets along with almost everyone). I worry that he doesn't have a good friend.

Originally Posted by mumm

Well I'm glad to hear that some folks do enjoy their 10 year olds. But it makes me feel worse about what is going on in our house. I don't really like him.

Sorry to hear that things aren't going well. I wonder if his anxiety is at a spot where he needs some help? The not being able to go to sleep in his own room is a pretty big red flag for me. That's how my kids are when they're feeling very anxious.

I also wonder if there's something more going on with the food. It's NOT typical to go hungry so much that you faint and are losing weight. Clearly, waiting until he gets hungry enough isn't working! The kids I know who have this pattern are either kids with sensory processing issues (and so really have a hard time with the texture/taste of certain foods), or who have blood sugar issues and so it is actually painful to eat if they get too hungry.

Are there things that you know he will eat? Can you just feed him those for awhile until you get some of these other behaviors figured out?

I wonder how much of his difficulty is due to: lack of sleep and hunger. Some of us really don't do well when we're hungry. And if I'm hungry and tired, watch out! I'm 44 and I know this, and I STILL blow up when I'm hungry and tired. I know that when our ds is hungry and tired, he's much much more difficult to deal with (and he's a pretty easy kid, really. I'd never ask him to do chores before dinner, for example, because of this. We do our chores after dinner.)

I think some of the behaviors you describe are typical -- our son is also never at fault, and getting him to apologize is like pulling teeth. Even getting him to help someone feel better when he didn't cause it on purpose is torture!

A good book that I like that you might find helpful is:
The challenging child. I like it because it talks about the importance of connection before anything, but then gives concrete strategies for problem solving with your son, and clear consequences for behaviors after that. Some kids need that.

[purmasingh]

Hi,

I am a 21 year old looking to interview some 10 year old boys.I am writing an essay on boys and the preteen culture they are exposed to that influences the men they grow up to be in society. I have the interview questions typed up/listed out,and was wondering if you(mothers) would let me intervew them(i prefer chat or e-mail,so i can record/copy and paste their responces.Chatting to them will also allow me to interact with them better,and have a 'conversation' with them,rather than just having them fill out a form,and i might also need to modify my questions based on their answers(during the interview),which makes chat the ideal means of questioning).I will let you read through my interview questions so you will get an idea of the kinds of things i would like to discuss,and can see if you feel comfortable with letting me interview them,( you can be present the whole time during the interview,and let me know if you would like me to stop,or if you would not like some questions to be asked/answered.)please do not influence/change your child's answers when they are responding.My e-mail address is [e-mail] ,please e-mail me if you dont mind your sons participating,so I can send you a copy of the questions I would  like to ask.

Thanks so much for your help,

Sarah.

Edited by purmasingh - 10/24/11 at 8:20pm

[Youngfrankenstein]

Originally Posted by mumm 

I'd love to hear what life is like in other families with 10 year old boys. I'm really struggling with my son right now. Well, really we've been struggling for about 10 years. I'm just not sure what realistic expectations are so I waffle a bit and then he sees the wiggle room and goes for it.How/what does he eat? Are mealtimes pleasant? Where/how/when does he sleep? Personal hygiene? Friends and neighbors? Media exposure? Homework/schoolwork? Sports and activities? Is he happy? Are you happy with him? What are your struggles? Where you do you feel like things are going well?Thanks!

My current ten year old son has an older brother so this isn't the first time we've had a ten year old boy.

Eating:

He is my adventurous eater.  He loves to try exotic foods I think just to show off!  He will try anything I serve without complaining but won't eat melted cheese at all.

Sleep:

He just goes to bed a reads when asked after brushing.  He reads until the lights-out time we set.

Personal hygiene:

He only flosses if I remind him and he usually showers every few days when we tell him to.  He's not really at a stinky age yet.

Friends and neighbors:

UGH, I could write a book.  He's very, very smart and used to spend a lot of time telling people so.  He is better at that now.  For many years he didn't want to even try at sports in the back yard but now he will and seems to like it ok.  He is very muscular but doesn't like sports a lot.  He doesn't have many friends at school and does weird things to get attention.  He has/had a few bully situations.  There is a boy in his class who is very mean and physical with him.  Having said that, my son says and doesn't "stupid" and provoking things that poke the hornet's nest. (I'm not saying it's okay for him to be bullied but I tell him not to out-right taunt the bully.)

Media exposure:

He gets 30 minutes on the computer/Wii/ or DS per weekday after dinner and homework is checked.  TV is much more flexible but he'll watch a couple shows after school a few days a week.

He is a brilliant kid who will make something of himself but his childhood will be one of hard-knocks.  It just seems to be the way it goes for him.  Nothing is easy for him socially.  Age and maturity have helped but he doesn't have any subtley.  He doesn't have a lot of body control.  He hurts himself walking up stairs because he's not just going up the stairs.  He falls out of chairs because he's messing around.  He has a good sense of humor and reads a ton.  He's going to be Dr. Who for Halloween. 

[Youngfrankenstein]

Originally Posted by mumm 

Well I'm glad to hear that some folks do enjoy their 10 year olds. But it makes me feel worse about what is going on in our house. I don't really like him. He is unable to fall asleep alone or sleep in a room alone, but if he shares a room with his sister he is terribly mean to her and then ballistic when she chooses to go sleep in her own room away from him. He's "too scared" to be alone. When he starts in my room he gets angry when I don't come to bed soon enough for him.He is *NEVER* at fault. Homework left at home, my fault. He rode his bike straight into a tree (I saw it happen) and his sister, who was following behind on the sidewalk, then hit him. The entire accident was her fault. He forgets to bring money to the playground where he likes to buy lemonade, and we should all go home to get money and let his sister be late for soccer. He would rather go hungry than eat something 'gross.' Not a big deal, kids will eat when they get hungry enough. Except he gets to the point where he is passing out, very dehydrated and weak. Then it truly is painful to eat when he stomach has shrunk. (And our families diet is not strict in any regards- we have a wide variety of meals and snacks and I'm not above eating ice cream everyday some weeks!)We went to a therapist who said he seems like a perfectly normal child, albeit with some slight anxiety about certain situations. The pedi says he'll outgrow the hunger strikes and just try to keep him hydrated, but come back to keep checking his weight loss. (He is 5 ft tall and now weighs 52 lbs)He will come home from school and be off with neighborhood kids playing happily for two hours (he has complete freedom to roam our neighborhood until 6pm) and then the minute he comes home he falls apart and can't cope with anything. Set the table? Start homework alone? Grab the milk to put on the table? Fold a napkin? All of those things seem like torture to him. I feel like he is going to be moving away from us in the next few years and yet most of the time we spend together now is fighting. Over things like brushing teeth, or picking up laundry. I don't know how to change this!

Is he your first-born?  Some of that sounds more like my 12-year-old who was a bit more emotionally manipulative of me until I could recognize it.  I don't mean that to sound sinister.  I just had to realize that when he made any squeaks of displeasure of what I was asking him to do, I would waffle and change what I was doing.  It wasn't easy for me to see at first.  Are there other things in his life that are causing this stress/anxiety?  It sounds like something is bothering him and it's affecting his mood and eating habits.  School?  An activity? New experience?

If not, I'd say you need to decide what is okay with you and what behavior has to stop now.  For example, being mean to his sister isn't okay and would be more important to me than whether he set the table. 

I know what you mean about the "not my fault".  My ds says this a lot too.  I really think he believes it. 

[Alyantavid]

Mine's a few months shy of 10.

How/what does he eat? He eats everything.  He eats constantly.  For the past few years, he's become incredibly non-picky.  Right now he just eats non stop.

Are mealtimes pleasant? Typically.  We have the usual manners stuff we work on.

Where/how/when does he sleep? He sleeps in his own bed.  He goes to bed at 8 on school nights and is up at 6 or 6:30.  He sleeps like the dead.

Personal hygiene? He showers daily, he's started having some different body odor recently but we've always done daily baths/showers. Toothbrushing twice a day, but we almost always have to tell him to.

Friends and neighbors? He's got lots of friends.  We live in the country so the neighbors are limited.  There are 2 boys who play with my kids sometimes, but it's rare that I allow it because of issues we've had in the past.

Media exposure? We don't have cable and we really limit internet access with our kids.  So they watch movies/show on Netflix mostly and I do monitor those to make sure they're appropriate.

Homework/schoolwork? The only regular homework he has is accelerated math.  In school, he's quite advanced so I send work for him to do when he's waiting for the others so he won't be disruptive. 

Sports and activities? Right now, he's not doing any sports.  Typically, he does football, basketball, wrestling, baseball and golf.  We're a dirtbike family as well so he does that alot.

Is he happy? He's very happy.

Are you happy with him? Very.  He seems so mature to me right now and he's so smart, it's hard to remember he's just 9.

What are your struggles? I don't really have many struggles with him.  The only thing we're working on is him remembering that he isn't the parent of his little brother and he needs to back off from that so dh and I can parent.  He seems to think it's his job to make sure his brother behaves.

Chore charts help a ton I've found.  My kids have typical chores and then I'll throw in something I think they need to work on, like making beds.  Once the chart is full, they can exchange it for a coupon for a special privilege.  It stops the fighting because if they don't do the chore, they don't get the reward.  It's all up to them and I don't end up nagging them.

[MJB]

My oldest son is almost 9.

How/what does he eat?

He eats pretty much everything and eats a LOT of it. His favorites are saag, sushi, and pizza. 

Are mealtimes pleasant?

Very. He usually cooks breakfast for himself and his two little siblings, which is great, and we all eat dinner at the table together where we chat about our days and current events.

Where/how/when does he sleep?

He goes to bed at 8:30, shares a room with his little brother (1st grade) who usually wants to sleep in his bunk. Once he's out (9-10), he's out. 

Personal hygiene?

He is good about showering after sports and washing his hair. I have to get on him to brush his teeth.

Friends and neighbors?

We don't have any neighbors with kids, but he has friends at school, from sports, and my friends' kids. No "best friend" but he seems popular wherever he goes.

Media exposure?

We listen to popular music (among others) and watch a movie once a week as a family. He plays Wii or watches a TV show (Avatar, Pokemon, etc) for half an hour maybe 3-4 days a week.

Homework/schoolwork?

He was having a really hard time this year but recently got diagnosed with ADHD and is having a much easier time on medication. 

Sports and activities?

He plays on a U9 soccer team and is on swim team. He's pretty middle of the pack in both, although he just started swimming this year and I think he is learning fast.

Is he happy?

I think so. He sometimes has crazy rages but they are thankfully rare. He is also very sensitive to criticism and will start crying and run off to his room if he thinks we are being harsh.

Are you happy with him?

Mostly yes. 

What are your struggles?

Homework and fighting with his brother. He doesn't seem to have any patience for him anymore. To be fair, the littler guy does start most of their fights.

Where you do you feel like things are going well?

He is getting more helpful around the house, is very sweet to his baby sister (15 mos), and is extremely pleasant to be around when it's just the two of us (or us + baby). 

[4evermom]

Originally Posted by LynnS6 Sorry to hear that things aren't going well. I wonder if his anxiety is at a spot where he needs some help? The not being able to go to sleep in his own room is a pretty big red flag for me. That's how my kids are when they're feeling very anxious. I also wonder if there's something more going on with the food. It's NOT typical to go hungry so much that you faint and are losing weight. Clearly, waiting until he gets hungry enough isn't working! The kids I know who have this pattern are either kids with sensory processing issues (and so really have a hard time with the texture/taste of certain foods), or who have blood sugar issues and so it is actually painful to eat if they get too hungry. Are there things that you know he will eat? Can you just feed him those for awhile until you get some of these other behaviors figured out? I wonder how much of his difficulty is due to: lack of sleep and hunger. Some of us really don't do well when we're hungry. And if I'm hungry and tired, watch out! I'm 44 and I know this, and I STILL blow up when I'm hungry and tired. I know that when our ds is hungry and tired, he's much much more difficult to deal with (and he's a pretty easy kid, really. I'd never ask him to do chores before dinner, for example, because of this. We do our chores after dinner.)I think some of the behaviors you describe are typical -- our son is also never at fault, and getting him to apologize is like pulling teeth. Even getting him to help someone feel better when he didn't cause it on purpose is torture! A good book that I like that you might find helpful is:The challenging child. I like it because it talks about the importance of connection before anything, but then gives concrete strategies for problem solving with your son, and clear consequences for behaviors after that. Some kids need that.

ITA.  Hunger and sleep issues were always the root of any problems, here, so I'd be looking at those two things first, as well.  My ds can NOT cope when he is hungry or tired.  You said your ds is 5 feet tall and 52 pounds?  Isn't that like 100% height and 5% weight?  That level of not eating doesn't sound normal and I'd look into sensory issues.  Could just be highly sensitive, not actually having sensory processing disorder.  I feed my ds what he'll eat and we've slowly over the years worked on finding fruits and vegetables that he will eat or figured out how to prepare them so he isn't bothered by the texture.  He has a gag reflex and has had a lot of dental work so fibrous foods bother him.  He'll eat apple slices with peanut butter if I take the skin off.  He'll eat spinach if I run frozen spinach through a food processor so it is powder-like and mix it into tuna salad.  He finds mixed up saucy foods gross looking.  Since I've been selective about what I've asked him to taste, he'll generally taste things when I offer him a tiny bite.  Atm, he eats pizza with olives and light sauce, chicken nuggets, hot dogs, bacon, mac n cheese, tuna salad on a hot dog bun, cheese and crackers, cheese melted on tortilla chips, apple slices with pb, bananas, red grapes, pumpkin pie, toasted sprouted grain bread with butter and cinnamon sugar.  

My ds won't sleep alone and doesn't like being alone, in general.  My mom says all her boys got better about that after they went through puberty.  

He isn't big on taking the blame for mishaps.  I think he feels that doing that is like saying he did it on purpose when he didn't.

He's concerned about his teeth and asks me to remind him to brush.  He hasn't gotten very smelly yet so hygiene isn't a big issue.  He likes help washing his long hair.  He's reasonably aware of his appearance and likes to look presentable if we're going out.
 

[Mummoth]

Originally Posted by mumm 

I'd love to hear what life is like in other families with 10 year old boys. I'm really struggling with my son right now. Well, really we've been struggling for about 10 years. I'm just not sure what realistic expectations are so I waffle a bit and then he sees the wiggle room and goes for it.How/what does he eat? Are mealtimes pleasant? Where/how/when does he sleep? Personal hygiene? Friends and neighbors? Media exposure? Homework/schoolwork? Sports and activities? Is he happy? Are you happy with him? What are your struggles? Where you do you feel like things are going well?Thanks!

My son will be 10 in January.

How/what does he eat? Are mealtimes pleasant?

Pretty much anything that gets thrown in his path, and lots of it! I make a rare meal he won't eat, and at those times he can get a PB sandwich or an apple (same rule as his sister, who opts for the sandwich at least a few times a week) He needs to be reminded to keep his bum back in his seat, sitting still is a challenge. Mealtimes are pleasant.

Where/how/when does he sleep?

He sleeps in his room, he has a queen bed (it was free and he's going to be tall so he'll need it) He sleeps like the dead from about 5 minutes after his head hits the pillow (preferably around 8:30... he's starting to get grumpy by then, but he can stay up later without trouble if something exciting is happening) until about 6AM. He's always been an early riser but he works at it now because he likes to get up and see his dad off to work.

Personal hygiene?

He'll shower quite willingly 2 - 3 times a week. That's about how often the adults in the house bathe, so I don't see a need to tell him to more often. If he says "I'll do it in the morning." he means it and almost always remembers, so unless I have some reason for him to shower right when I ask, he can wait till morning. Once in a while he decides he wants a shower, and of course I don't say no. He would never brush his teeth if I didn't make him, but he doesn't put up too much of a fight when I tell him I can SEE that they're dirty.

Friends and neighbors?

He goes to a friends house every week after school, and has friends over. He's always got someone to play with at school, though it's not always the same kid. The other kids in our lane way aren't given as much freedom as my kids, so their the only ones out there riding bikes or scooters. I hope this will change as the other kids get older.

Media exposure?

We don't have cable, so the only TV is when we make a point of watching a show online. On a usual school day, there no - 1 hour screen time, on weekends we're all over the map... today they're going to get a lot of time on the PS 3 because it's a rainy pro-d and DS is having a friend over this afternoon. Tomorrow I'll probably say no to the PS 3 but let them on Minecraft for 45 min. each in the morning (we'll get busy for the day) and we'll watch Survivor when their dad goes out in the evening. Sunday they're going with their grandparents for the day & we'll probably sit down as a family and watch a movie in the evening.

Homework/schoolwork?

He's doing well in school... he's probably around the middle of the class. They're learning about poetry and he was proud a week ago that the teacher chose his poem to read out to the class. Homework is usually about half an hour a day... if it's just reading he does it without complaint, book reports aren't too bad because the last question is "Did you like the book? Why or why not?" and he can say he didn't like it for some petty reason (after enjoying reading it?) Math his dad usually helps him with, so thats a motivator on it's own. The only time we have trouble is when he gets frustrated with something, then it's like pulling teeth to get him through it! I usually make a deal with him to partially complete it, and if he's still struggling when we get to that point he can take it to school and ask for help. If he's got it figured out by then, he usually finishes up without more fuss.

Sports and activities?

We don't have him enrolled in anything. he's not a sporty kid, his outdoor activities are riding bikes and running around like a maniac/building forts. He's been asking about swimming lessons and we'll do another set in January.

Is he happy? Are you happy with him?

He's usually happy, I'm happy with him, I think he's a pretty typical kid. 

What are your struggles?

He's been getting upset more easily lately and has started to feel embarrassed when he makes a mistake. He can be quite argumentative (I shut down the PS3 for the day because he says his sister talking while he was playing was "making him screw up" and then he wouldn't listen to his dad trying to reason with him) His mouth gets him in a lot of trouble, he doesn't seem to know when he's beat... I find myself saying "You can't argue your way out of this, just clean it up/ go take some time to yourself/ do as I've asked and we'll be done!" a LOT. His impulse control is MIA when we're being goofy, it takes him longer to settle down than it used to. I think a lot of this is developmental and am trying to take it in stride. He had some major behavioral/anger issues after I split with his bio dad, and this is nothing like that... there's no threats or violence, he's in control of himself in that way. He's upset by the conflict now, whereas before he seemed to enjoy it, if that makes any sense. It's sort of a relief to see that... it's not fun or easy to deal with him being stubborn or mouthy, but it could be so much worse.

Where do you feel like things are going well?

Overall, things are pretty good. He loads/unloads the dishwasher for me and gets $5/week. he likes the responsibility and likes earning/saving money. he doesn't argue about having to do the work because he recognizes that having the job is a privilege. He can walk to a friends house or go to the school grounds by himself for half an hour... he doesn't push limits and is very well behaved around these things, he's happy to have the freedom. He values it so much he's usually home a little earlier than he needs to be! He's good at time management in general, though... he gets himself ready for school without being told, for example. His relationship with DH is great, they share a lot of interests. He was having his anger problems when his dad and I got together, and his dad played a big part in helping him heal from that, so they have a pretty special connection. DS and DD are good friends, they play together a lot (though they can't seem to manage a sleepover, either!) He tries to boss her around a bit, but she has none of it.

[kellbabe]

hey
 

Originally Posted by Mirzam 

Hi, I have a 10 year old boy and he is the light of my life. The sweetest, easiest going kid you could hope to have.

But to answer your questions:

How/what does he eat?

He is pretty picky eater, but definitely getting better. The only meat proteins he will eat are chicken and turkey, usually roasted, broiled or barbecued. Not many veggies, and all raw, his favorites are carrots and cauliflower. He will eat salads, especially romain, so caesar salad is a big hit. He starts the day with a raw egg smoothie (three raw eggs, raw milk kefir, raw butter, cream and raw, unheated honey. He also loves scrambled eggs so can eat up to five eggs a day. He takes a lunch to school, which usually comprises a sandwich, usually turkey, lettuce, and cheese in a whole wheat roll-up (sometimes regular bread), yogurt, fruit, cheese and crackers, often a salad and some left-overs from dinner. He manages to eat most of it, he is a good eater, although skinny.

Are mealtimes pleasant?

Generally, he will eat without too much fuss, thought he does need to be reminded to use a fork, as he likes to eat with his fingers.

Where/how/when does he sleep?

He sleeps in his room, but occasionally comes into our bed at night. He is a good sleeper, goes to bed without fuss at 9.00 pm and is asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. I usually have to wake him around 7.15 am to get ready for school. Left, he would wake up between 7.30 to 8.00 am.

Personal hygiene?

Not great! He has to be reminded to take a shower, wash his hands when dirty. I also remind him to brush his teeth, but I am probably nagging, as he knows to do this.

Friends and neighbors?

He is quite a shy kid, but has a best friend since 1st grade, they are now in different schools, but still get together often. He is a popular boy at school, even though he is shy, he is somewhat charismatic, and very sporty, so he is looked up to. He is a kind empathetic child and is wonderful with little kids.


Media exposure?

He watches some tv. He likes shows like Junkyard Wars, Mythbusters etc. He does play computer games, but seems to limit himself well, so it is not an obsession.

Homework/schoolwork?

He is very conscientious about homework and school. He always does any homework without fuss, usually as soon as he gets home. This is a habit that is really a necessity as he has activities after school, so getting his homework done first takes a lot of pressure off us. He does well in school, is a hard worker, focused, no behavioral issues. Teachers love him!


Sports and activities?

He is extremely athletic. He plays for a MLS (Major League Soccer) U11 team and is the top player on the team. He wants to be a professional soccer player, so soccer is his life. He also rock climbs and is doing very well, he is fearless!

Is he happy?

Yes, he is a very happy kid.

Are you happy with him?

I couldn't be happier with him. He is a joy. Of course he has his moments, but they are few and far between. I don't think he has had more than four tantrums his whole life.


What are your struggles?

There really are no struggles with him. I would love it if he would be more adventurous with his food choices and it would be nice if he took a shower more often!

Where you do you feel like things are going well?

Things are going great; he does well in school, excels in soccer and climbing, is well-liked by his peers, and has no behavioral issues. He is secure enough that he is quite an independent kid. I feel I am blessed to have him as my son, and look forward to the man he will become.

[A&A]

It's your job as a parent to make sure he eats.  You can't let him get to the point of passing out.  That's completely neglectful.   Find reasonably nutritious things that he will actually eat, and feed him that.  Make sure he is getting enough protein, especially, in whatever form he will eat it.  Don't try to force him to eat "gross" things (in his words.)  Have him eat before he goes out to play in the afternoons so he doesn't come home and have a complete meltdown.

Find him toothpaste and a toothbrush he likes (perhaps a fun electric one).  That will make him more willing to brush. 

A book I would recommend in general is The Minds of Boys.

And it's unlikely that the average 10 year old would start homework on his own accord. You have to remind him.

[dovey]

I agree that maybe some of his difficult behaviour issues could be hunger or sleep related. 

My 8 year old son will let himself get very very hungry too, if he hasn't found something that he likes.  I try to offer frequent snacks when we're out.  When we find something that he's hungry for, serve him a large portion, and seconds or thirds. 

Maybe his night fears are interfering with him getting enough sleep.  Sometimes when my kids can't sleep (and don't like being alone in their room at night), I let the child bring down a blanket and lay on the chair or the couch near me while they fall asleep.  It doesn't happen too often, but I think they feel more confindent while going to sleep, knowing that this is an option.

[chaimom]

Hmmm.. My boys are 9 1/2.  They're not perfect, but they're good boys.

I'm concerned about your son's weight.  I can't imagine how skinny he must be, with no fat reserves to help him through the day. No wonder he flies off the handle.  One of my boys is 4'11 & 65 lbs and he's soooo skinny.  (I see his skinny bod at swim practice every night.)  What we do, because my skinny boy is a picky eater, too, is make sure he has some foods he'll eat at every meal.  He also has a protein drink every day.  It's whey protein from whole foods and has 16 grams of protein per cup, so it's loaded, plus it's apparently tasty.

If I were you, I would insist he eat something or have a protein drink the minute he walks in the door from school.  My skinny boy used to have melt downs years ago after school, until I finally figured out he had to have food immediately.  I would say to your son that if he doesn't eat, he doesn't go out, which gives him a good incentive. 

As for his behavior, I think it's time for a heart to heart.  Talk to him and his sister about what kind of family they want to live in and how they can each be the kind of person they wants to be. Talk about kindness and responsibility.   Talk about bed times and try to figure out what might help.  We did this several years ago with my kids and it still carries us through bad days now.  Remind him what's appropriate and what's not, and let him help set consequences for when he's out of line.  My boys actually suggested consequences much more harsh than I would have come up with (and I didn't take their suggestions because they were too much!)  Then, tell him things need to change.  He'll probably agree with you.