How can I help her?

[mommy_to_2angels]

My 5 year old is a very smart, and very perceptive child. This situation with her daddy and I is taking it's toll on her and she is suffering. I've signed her up for a 6 week program to help her learn how to cope with her feelings, but how can "I" help her? She cries because she can't see her daddy, and I can't afford to drive an hour each way 3-6 times a week so she can get time with him. I just snuggle her and tell her that I love her and try to explain why we can't go. But it breaks my heart and then she throws fits. She doesn't get her way about not eating supper and it's "I want to go to my daddy's!" Or she pushes her brother, takes his toys and is generally just mean, where she never was before. It's not normal behaviour for my daughter... and I think it stems from her confused emotions. Does anyone have any suggestions for how I can make this easier?

[Holland73]

Poor baby!

Keep validating her feelings.

When she does something "mean," you can respond - very calmly - "I understand that you are hurting (or angry, whatever feeling she is exhibiting), but you are not allowed to be mean to your brother." Then, give her another outlet for her anger. Belly breathing is great. Counting to 10 backwards. I did some meditation work with my ds.

One of the best methods to teaching anger management at this age... role modeling! When you get angry, be very obvious in your own anger management techniques. Talk out loud about what you are doing to calm yourself down.

There are some great books that I have used with my son to help him deal/relate/understand his emotions.

When Sophie Get Angry -- Really, Really Angry

Sometimes I am Bombaloo

Mouse Was Mad

It's Hard To Be Five


Peaceful Piggy Meditation

Moody Cow Meditates

[doubledutch]

wait, why is it YOUR fault you can't afford to drive a two-hour-round-trip for her to see her dad? it's up to him to make that happen (or at least share travel time/expenses 50-50). and 3-6 times a week? i wouldn't be able to afford the TIME let alone the gas. twice a week (with at least one of those being a longer visit, like 24 hours) makes sense.

my ds1 (also 5) has been working with a therapist because he was starting to get physically aggressive at preschool (majorly out of character for him) and displaying other signs that this was taking a serious emotional toll. he's getting the message that it's okay to get angry (or sad, scared, frustrated, etc) but it's not okay to hurt someone, throw a fit, destroy things, etc. she has been talking with him about coping skills and other alternatives, some of these are hers and some are his:
squeezing a stress ball, clay, silly putty or play dough
making an "angry" picture (draw or paint)
taking a break / cooling off before talking to the person you're upset with
doing something physical to blow off steam (like going for a walk or bike ride)
punching a pillow or lying on your bed and kicking your legs on it
breaking something that is allowed (like ripping up scrap paper or snapping twigs in the yard)
lying down and thinking about something that makes you feel good
singing

and obviously, once you are calm and able to use words without being hurtful, then you talk about it.

[Chantelle691]

Is her father able to take the trip in to see her occasionally maybe once a week, take her for a walk or to the park or something?

Just keep loving on her, mama.

[mommy_to_2angels]

He moved an hour away, and doesn't have a car right now because his broke down. He isn't helping financially at all. If he were, I would be able to take them down to visit. But I cannot. Her teacher offered a 6 week program to help her learn to cope with her feelings. I jumped on the offer, because up to this point I've been doing what I can, but it feels so ineffective. Her pain is my pain, and she's been destructive to her own belongings as well as aggressive towards her brother. One of the only times she seems calm is when she is hanging out with our dog. So I encourage their interaction as much as possible. Thanks for the great ideas. And we will see, hopefully this program helps her. I plan to look into counselling for her and myself. Perhaps it will help us both cope better.

[meemee]

my ex is v. present in dd's life but since 5 she understood that he could be v. much standing there next to her or even holding her on her lap but not be there. so yeah we've been having the same 'mourning' too. 'why cant daddy see 'me'. why does he not understand that i am a butterfly caught in a tree and cant break free. why does it always have to be his way.'

first know that what she is going thru is age appropriate. its an emotional growth spurt. you will see another one around 7 or 8 when conscience develops to a deeper level.

i call this the last hurrah - the last childhood angst. with your dd her father is further making the situation worse. but otherwise you would see this violent expression. it shows up differently with different children.

the key is keeping your cool. which is what you are doing.

what i have done is:

1. hold grieving circles with dd. we'd sit and share sometimes how sad life is. how even when we make choices we always lose something. we sit and share our own disappointments.

2. i become a little more transparent about my own disappointments. how that is life. how i want to do something and i cant. in a sense so dd can see she is not alone. we all go thru it.

3. when dd complains and cries about her dad i just sit and silently hold her. and let her say it out. cry it out and dont say anything unless she asks me. also i control myself when she goes thru an outburst. like the other day she totally lost it. and pushed me and swung me around on the playground at school. she was soooo mad she just didnt know what to do. she does this all with me - no one else.

i allow it to happen because she needs to have a place to vent. her dad wont allow therapy. and she can do without it. so i dont push it. later she felt horrible for days and wrote me a card of apology.

also i want you to know that if she started school after labor day its a typical thing to have anger issues as they adjust to school. it takes about a whole month to adjust.

i know they have excellent play therapy that has been v. useful for kids here.

[mommy_to_2angels]

Thank you for the fantastic ideas. She started school in August, as we are in Florida and they start like 2 weeks earlier than New England, at least. ( I grew up in RI) I am copy and pasting all the ideas and plan on printing them out so I have a list of things I can do to help her as she struggles through all this. I usually manage to keep my cool, because I've always had to be the calm rational one. (My family is italian, calm and rational is hard to come by. Lol)

It sounds like your poor little girl struggles with all these feelings, but you are so wonderful and supportive. She's very lucky to have you for her mama. Thank you again.

[Minxie]

My son's father never lived with us but my son bonded very strongly with him. When his father stopped speaking to us (of course because I wanted him to pay CS), it upset my son greatly. The best things I did for him were to:

1) let him know that it is okay for him to love and miss his daddy

2) discuss his father when he brings up the topic
He often just wants to talk about him, especially in hero-worship terms.

3) gently remind him that his daddy will not live with us
I respond to his suggestions with, "That would be fun, wouldn't it?" and just let it drop.