Violent rant about deadbeat dad's and new families

[PoppyMama]

People sometimes ask here how long it takes before you're not angry anymore and it's hard to answer because it comes and goes. I was ok for a while but every so often I become reenraged to the point that it's unhealthy. I don't want to feel this way, I try to talk myself out of it, tell myself they're not worth it...doesn't matter. A year ago I was ok, even requested pics of their little boy for my kids and when they wanted to see him I bought him a present for them to give him. But, his new wife has to try to make everything all great between him and the kids again and of course he sees them twice for a couple of hours and blows them off again. Honestly, I'm madder at her than at him. I know who he is. I expect better from someone who goes on and on about how much she loves my kids (even though she's seen them all of five time for a few hours). How dare they think it's acceptable for her to stay home and have kids when he doesn't contribute a dime or expend energy on his first two kids. Not to mention that he borrowed a ton of money from my mom to pay off pre-me debts and they know I now have to pay them but don't give a crap.

[doubledutch]

that sucks. i guess you can't force visitation, but what can you do about him not contributing financially?

[PoppyMama]

Not a lot. We are both in TX now and if I wanted to go through the courts to get support awarded I could get 18.33% of his after tax income- he works in a factory in San Antonio so not much $$. Chances of me collecting that miniscule amount are slim since he has a history of jobhopping. I have no chance of reclaiming the loan since it wasn't in writing. Whatever I don't pay to my mom will get taken out of my share of her house after she dies.

[PoppyMama]

I've tried to get him to give up custody but even though he doesn't see them or support them in any way it's like he wants them there on the shelf waiting for him.

[Super~Single~Mama]

I have to say that I was expecting a lot more of a rant! You're much nicer about your less involved ex than I am at times about my ex who is there physically but not emotionally or financially.

[PoppyMama]

...well there are a lot of "rot and die" thoughts that flow but the UA here is pretty strict. I'm trying to think of the root of my bad feelings without totally offending all the stepmoms in the room. People get sensitive about other's thinking that they have no business expecting their dream family with a guy who isn't taking care of the business he already had. I'm also super pissed that they lower the percentage when the man has more children. It's such a pitiful amount to begin with.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by PoppyMama

...well there are a lot of "rot and die" thoughts that flow but the UA here is pretty strict. I'm trying to think of the root of my bad feelings without totally offending all the stepmoms in the room. People get sensitive about other's thinking that they have no business expecting their dream family with a guy who isn't taking care of the business he already had. I'm also super pissed that they lower the percentage when the man has more children. It's such a pitiful amount to begin with.

Man, that sucks. Here, the subsequent children get screwed, but the 1st child is golden.

[PoppyMama]

I think that what I really want is an apology and for them to pay my mother $50 a month for the rest of their rotten lives (he owes her about $30,000). So...not much really. That to me would be them saying that they are sorry and I don't deserve this. Honestly, that's all I want. That they seem to think that she is so much more special and deserving a person than me burns me up. I would also like him to maintain a minimal but consistent presence in the kids lives...like least acknowledge their birthdays and don't make promises you won't keep.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Yeah, it's so hard b/c even though WE as mother's don't like them, its breaks our children's hearts, and so ours too by extension.

My bestest friend ever is the step-mom to a few great kiddos - but she is really their mom. Their bio-mom only see's them once/year b/c she left them as small children. It's so hard for her to see their hearts break every year when they see her for such a short time.

I wish your ex was a decent guy.

[Avani]

I'm so there with you. My ex is up to $10,000 in arrears and I still have yet to see a penny. The courts let him say he's an unemployed student and don't do a thing to enforce. The state lets him pay a minimum of $50/mo to keep from taking his license. I've receieved nothing for 4 years but yet he can drag me in and out of court and visit the kids on his own whim. Plus he has every one of my belongings. And yet he goes and has another kid and is raising his girlfriends son on top of that.

My babies dad lives 5 minutes from me and has two homes. He spent his whole summer vacationing with his son and girlfriend and I didn't see a penny. He doesn't visit his baby and he doesn't pay a penny. Since he claims unemployment there is nothing to do.

The thing is I can support all the kids and we are healthy and happy. It just would be nice if the state or the courts or whatever could be a little helpful in getting us more support from the deadbeats that abandon their kids and their responsibility so that just maybe we can get ahead a bit and create a stable future or college funds or whatever for the kids. People always ask me why I just don't go through the state. What they don't get is how little the state does. It's frustrating and maddening that people can abandon children and get away with it.

[sg784]

Originally Posted by Avani

The thing is I can support all the kids and we are healthy and happy. It just would be nice if the state or the courts or whatever could be a little helpful in getting us more support from the deadbeats that abandon their kids and their responsibility so that just maybe we can get ahead a bit and create a stable future or college funds or whatever for the kids. People always ask me why I just don't go through the state. What they don't get is how little the state does. It's frustrating and maddening that people can abandon children and get away with it.

Sorry you have to deal with this. It sounds maddening!

[singin'intherain]

$30.000- that's a lot of money. That would make me really mad, too.

But it's the abandonment that really makes me hate, you know? My step kids are going through that too, with their mom. She has a new baby and a new boyfriend, and that's it. She doesn't pay anything or come to see them anymore. She's putting her own kids through a kid's absolute worst nightmare- having your mom/dad decide they don't want you anymore. Most things I can blow off, but not that. I just think about her and marvel that she probably doesn't even know what a monster she is.

[confustication]

It took more than 6 years for me. It finally ended yesterday when he offered to forfeit his rights so my husband can adopt her. My ex voiced the reality that he completely blew it, and my daughter was very lucky to have me and to have her stepfather. That moment made up for every passing feeling- hatred, resentment, anger- for everything.

[GranoLLLy-girl]

Originally Posted by confustication

It took more than 6 years for me. It finally ended yesterday when he offered to forfeit his rights so my husband can adopt her. My ex voiced the reality that he completely blew it, and my daughter was very lucky to have me and to have her stepfather. That moment made up for every passing feeling- hatred, resentment, anger- for everything.

And you are lucky in that respect--but not everyone gets this happy ending and it's hard for those of us who are getting raw deals to really mend the broken hearts of our children.

[confustication]

Originally Posted by GranoLLLy-girl

And you are lucky in that respect--but not everyone gets this happy ending and it's hard for those of us who are getting raw deals to really mend the broken hearts of our children.

I will never be able to fix for my daughter that her bio dad effectively threw her away. I get the rage, I really do. I think the only thing that helps is time. It also helps that the kids gain some insight as they get a little older.

[StephandOwen]

Originally Posted by confustication

It took more than 6 years for me. It finally ended yesterday when he offered to forfeit his rights so my husband can adopt her. My ex voiced the reality that he completely blew it, and my daughter was very lucky to have me and to have her stepfather. That moment made up for every passing feeling- hatred, resentment, anger- for everything.

Wow. Throw some of those vibes my way because we could really use that. Good luck with getting everything finalized and starting a new chapter of your lives.

[PoppyMama]

confustication- I'm so happy for you, I know that doesn't fix it for your dd but how I would love to have my x man up and do what your x did. I've realized that I need therapy since my dd can't mention her father or the daughter he and his wife are going to have right around the time my baby will be born without becoming ill and having what feels like an anxiety attack. I've known for years that I have PTSD from his abuse but I felt like I was dealing well with it for a good while. It makes me even more angry that he's happy and his wife is happy and I'm falling apart. I also hate that the intensity of my reactions are making me very self centered about the situation and I'm not putting my kid's feelings first (in my head) anymore. I did so well at handling the situation maturely and responsibly and now I'm becoming selfish. So now I have to pay my mom, support the kids without any support from him and figure out how to pay for therapy. I wish I could fantasize about him rotting in hell but I'm Catholic and it's a pretty big thing that we don't get to decide where people go. I feel so pitiful and weak and angry and sad.

[confustication]

It took about 5 years from the time he last had contact with my daughter for me to stop becoming physically ill when I thought about him. It absolutely stinks to look at kids you love so much, knowing that they hurt and not being able to fix it at all for them. I also was post-traumatic from the relationship. Separating that from my feelings about him as a father wasn't going to happen. Therapy helped- some, but he still gives me the heebie jeebies.

[butterfly1976]

Originally Posted by confustication

I will never be able to fix for my daughter that her bio dad effectively threw her away. I get the rage, I really do. I think the only thing that helps is time. It also helps that the kids gain some insight as they get a little older.

Bingo! My kids have pain from their father that I can't fix. EVER. He did that to them. And he continues to have even more kids that he won't raise or pay for. It's baby #5 for him this year. It's mind boggling that people can harm their kids and never care. I hope karma does exist.

I still have my moments, just nothing like I used to. It took me awhile to figure out what I can control. My children do not benefit from a mother who's an up and down basketcase. Plus, he doesn't care if I/we was in pain or not. Life is never easy.

[smeep]

Originally Posted by PoppyMama

Not a lot. We are both in TX now and if I wanted to go through the courts to get support awarded I could get 18.33% of his after tax income- he works in a factory in San Antonio so not much $$. Chances of me collecting that miniscule amount are slim since he has a history of jobhopping. I have no chance of reclaiming the loan since it wasn't in writing. Whatever I don't pay to my mom will get taken out of my share of her house after she dies.

Mama, I think it would be a good idea to get child support anyway. In Texas they now have a law that employers HAVE to report all new employees to the ATG within 30 days to enforce child support. So unless he's getting a new job every month, you will get SOMETHING. Anything is better than nothing. And even if he did get out of paying it at least you tried. Otherwise you're just letting him off the hook. KWIM?

As for the loan, is there any proof at all? Was there a check written? Any emails sent back and forth? Do they have any proof that he's paid them anything on the loan? If they have proof that the sum was given to him and proof that he has given money back, then that's your proof of a loan right there.