I'm so sorry.
My oldest ds was abandoned by his bio father 15 years ago and it still enrages me if I think about it. Bio father pays a bit of support every now and then, just enough so that I can't terminate his rights.
Just recently, we had to try to track biofather down because we needed his signature on a passport form so that we can go on a trip to Mexico next year to build houses and dig wells. I sent biofather's mother an email asking her to have him call me about an urgent matter relating to his son and, three weeks later, he did, making sure to block his number so we couldn't find him. He wouldn't sign the papers unless I signed off on the massive amount of back child support he owes my ds. That is my boy's college fund and I feel I have no right to sign off on it. But he started babbling about how he is trying to get married to a nice woman and trying to adopt her daughter because she doesn't have a father and they want to buy a house. I almost leapt through the phone to throttle him. The nerve.
So you see I still feel the rage at times 15 years later. However, at this point it isn't about the abuse I suffered at his hands. It is because of the pain he has caused my ds. The nights that I held ds as he cried because he wanted a daddy like everyone else. The times I had to leave ds in sub par care because I just didn't have the money for the good daycares and I had to work or else we starved. The fact that he hurt my ds and there was not a thing I could do.
I understand how it comes and goes. Most of the time I don't even think of him anymore but when I do, I go to some pretty dark places. I don't think I will ever feel at peace about it as long as his actions are hurting my child.
