When you realize you aren't happy....

[its_our_family]

I don't think this is ppd it just happens to come around now at 8w pp.

I was one of those teens that was always loud and obnoxious when with friends. It wasn't because I was an idiot, even though some saw me as that. i used to think it was but I was watching a video with my family and my mom said "That guy is an idiot!" and my dad was like "No, you are looking at a man that find the joy in everything around him."

That is when it hit me. I used to be a person who found fun and joy in everything I did and in every situation no matter what the circumstances.

Now, I feel miserable. I'm 12 hours away from family and friends. We have been here a year and I have a couple "surface" friends but no one I feel like I can jsut call and shoot the breeze with. I don't have anyone to call and say, "hey, lets go do _____" Dh and I have no couples we can just call up and say "Wanna come over for dinner tonight, you bring the dessert."

My dh isn't happy in his job and we are job searching. We've had so many jobs almost pan out but fall through at the end. We are barely making ends meet, if at all. He is treated like a moron here he is working and the one couple that is our friend (works with dh) is in the same position.

There is just so much weighing heavy on my mind and my heart that I'm just sad. I find I get aggrivated over the least little thing. My dh is always asking why I'm always mad at him and aggrivated. I'm not really I'm just not happy and it comes off that way. I try to tell him how I feel then he gets defensive like its all his fault and then is pissy to me. Then neither of us is happy.

I don't feel like I have anyone to turn to.

I love my husband and I love my children but I'm having a hard time loving myself.

I'm not doing what I want to be doing and I don't even know what that is! I find myself counting the days for when the kids are older so I can find myself, which I thought I had until having children. i thought I knew what I wanted but because I don't work, we have 2 kids to take care of, and dh makes only enough to pay bills and buy some groceries I spend my time trying to pinch pennies. I feel like the life has been sucked out of me.

I'm a musician and I don't even find joy in that any more because I'm not the musician I want to be but I have no time to try and be that person.

I'm only 25!!! I have a lot of life left to live I can't be this unhappy the whole time. Eventually things have to get better....

[QueeTheBean]

What do you do when you realize you aren't happy?

I guess the simple answer is to change something or to accept things as they are & move on.

I can relate to lots of your post--esp. about not having family or friends nearby. The old adage is so true "if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy". And too, it sounds like your DH is unhappy at work, and that must feel miserable to both of you. Not much worse than going off to a job you hate day after day---where you are not respected or acknowledged. He probably feels a lot of pressure to stay there & support his family--I know my DH feels like that, and we go around and around about our roles & how they are both important but both difficult, blah blah blah

You have a lot going on--esp a brand new baby--and you are so young. That is a lot of stress. Take it easy on yourself!! If you really want to make some drastic changes (i.e., moving), really take some time to think about it. You don't want to up and go and get into a worse situation. I'm not saying don't go, but just really think what would make you all happy.

Sorry you are feeling so low.

[Piglet68]

I can relate to some of what you are saying. I have my dream job, and could make a fantastic career out of it if I stayed here.

But I absolutely HATE this city I'm in. I have no friends, no couple friends, it is the most ugly, boring city ever. I so miss my hometown of beauty and oceans and mountains...sigh! And I miss my family so much - that they are missing out on my children's births and growing.

Like the previous poster said, when I get unhappy I either change something, or at least make a PLAN. I find I'm much happier when I have a plan.

So now I have a plan to get us back home. It will mean some career shuffling, etc but what made me really happy was recognizing, finally, that this is what I want.

Best of luck (and yes, 25 is very young, lol! - you will have time when the kids are older to "find you").

[mothernurture]

Piglet68

congratulations on your upcoming birth! I could relate to your post... I had my dream job back in Washington DC and I left it when my ds (now 4 1/2) was 6 months old. I could no longer live where I was not happy (the only good thing about DC was my job).. so my dh and I made a plan to get back to the west coast where the lifestyle was more relaxed and supportive of AP ways. We now have a 20 month old dd as well. It was the best decision we could have made for our family. It was tough for me mentally because I gave up a clear career track doing what I loved.

So, best decision for family unit, not great decision for me personally. After staying home with ds for 2 years, a job finally worked out and I'm back working now (but telecommuting from home most of the time, something I never could have done if I had stayed in my DC job). So, while it was hard mentally to be patient and wait it out.. things have worked out well despite the challenges of giving up my dream job.

I completely concur that even just creating a plan can do wonders for one's mental health! Then, once you are able, implementing the plan is the next step and then everything falls into place.

it's our family: you're young, you have time... plus, be gentle with yourself and give yourself time... post partum depression can be quite overwhelming... especially without a support system where you live. Perhaps locate a post partum doula in your area that could assist for a few hours a week... it's amazing what a little help can do for you mentally... I had post partum depression after both births.

[Piglet68]

mothernurture: thank you!! It's really good to hear that others feel/felt this way too. Interestingly, my hometown is on the West Coast - Vancouver!

(sorry to hijack your thread, IOF!)

[its_our_family]

Don't seat it Piglet

Just so you know...OH is where we are trying to get back to!! Cincinnati NOT Cleveland

[mothernurture]

IOF

my apologies too for hijacking the thread earlier!! I hope you are able to realize your dream and get back to Cinci very soon!! I used to fly through Cinci and Cleveland on my coast to coast trips to visit family on the west coast.


Piglet68 - are you really from Vancouver BC? (or Washington).... that's great. I'm in Seattle. I have seen your posts on other threads (I think the vax thread) and have appreciated your contributions... I'd love to talk more, on pm or another thread (about working mamas perhaps?)...

[Jane]

Nothing constructive, but I totally hadn't noticed that you had your baby! Congratulations!

[muse]

I could have written a lot of your post myself. I woke up in the night thinking, I'm so serious and always tired and stressed these days, what happened to the younger me always laughing, exploring, trying something new, surrounded by friends. I'm also a musician and it's taken me 2 yrs to pick up an instrument again. It's a price we pay, I guess. My biggest mistake that we are still paying for was to keep moving after DS was born. Now he's two and we've made two dramatic moves (across the country and across the ocean), and that in itself is exhausting. We are both searching for work, which sucks. Trying to find new friends when you have a little baby is very difficult. But I will say that that gets a little easier as the babes get older and can play/interact more with other kids. It's so important to have a support network around at that time, and so many people don't have that at all and are so far from family/friends.

I would second the suggestion for hiring a doula a few hrs a week. People suggested that to me when DS was tiny and I felt so guilty about it and we didn't have any $, but I really wish I had gotten in the habit of "letting go" for an hr or two a week. Playing music, reading, sleeping, enything but being a caretaker. getting my mind back. Can your partner step in and give you a break? Good luck with getting back to OH, and be kind to yourself.

[sandrajoon]

Do you ever find inspiration in reading? If you do, try Wishcraft by Barbara Sher. There is probably a dogeared copy available at your local library. Its a very creative, positive, workbook type of book.

This book helped me define what I wanted to do and make a plan to achieve it, and I happy to report that I achieved my goal and am happy in my work! Good stuff.

I'd also try Chicken Soup for the Soul type books to get those positive, thankful feelings flowing in your veins again. The librarian may be able to recommend other books along these lines: maybe Love, Medicine and Miracles (is that what its called??) by Bernie Segal.

What a creative time this can be for you. I sincerely hope that you find what it takes to bring joy back into your life!

[mamaduck]

After my first child, as soon as my PPD began to subside a bit, I realized that I desperately wanted to move closer to my friends and family. I wanted to have people I could call for lunch, and I knew I didn't have the strength to make new friends where I was. I told me DH that I wanted to move home -- that I thought it would help lift my spirits and improve the quality of my life. He *immediately* found a job near my parents, and began commuting to work 2.5 hours each way. Meanwhile, I found us a place to live and 3 months later we set up house.

It was the right thing to do. It was honestly like moving out bleak darkness and into bright hope. I healed from my PPD. I spent time with people everyday. I met up with old friends AND I made new ones too. Just being in a place where I had connections and knew how to get around made all the difference.

[Piglet68]

mamaduck, it's so true. I never ever realized how important family was until I became a mother.

When I left Vancouver (yes, BC!) for the first time, I was so excited I couldn't imagine ever going back. I fell in love with Boston and wanted to live there forever.

But then I realized how much I missed my parents, and more so - that they were missing out on so much of my DD's life. When I imagine having this baby surrounded by friends and family...sigh!

So, IOF, I think alot of what you feel is probably the family and friends thing. I hope I didn't offend, I've been really slagging Cleveland lately b/c I'm in a bad head space with that right now, but the fact is, if I had my family here it would be different, as I'm sure Cincinatti would be great for you.

Also, thank you for starting this thread! I told DH last night that I realized I wanted to be home no matter what it meant for our careers (and it doesn't spell "death" either, just not the path I thought) and he was very supportive. So I am feeling very good!

[its_our_family]

Piglet--You didn't offend...I don't like Cleveland either The Ohio Valley is unlike any place I've ever been and I miss it so much! I really miss the season changes.

We are currently trying to find new employment. My dh has a degree in Music (he is a minister) andwhile it is still a degree it is hard to find work outside of ministry that will support our family. My dad can get him a job but it requires him getting his Associates in Electronics. Dh would love to get it but that would mean money for school (we already have way too much debt from school loans) and time he doesn't have.

We have been searching for 7 months now. We've had some almost jobs but nothing has worked out.

I think most of my problem is being away from faimly and knowing dh is stuck in a job that is sucking the life out of him. It is so hard to watch him week after week go off and come home and get nothing out of it. I have no idea why anyone stays in ministry when they are stuck places like this. We don't want to leave ministry but it is so hard right now.

[AdinaL]

Megan, I hear you. (And hi and congrats on the little one!!!)

It is tough to really want to be somewhere else. I have no firends here either. And I have lived here all my life - but everyone else has moved away. The only people we ever go out with is dh's family, and I can only take them for so long. My fam is all here, but I dn't see them, and they don't seem to care - but that is a whole different post.

My two best friends are in the PNW, and I want to move so badly I can taste it. I want to live somewhere else just once at least, I have lived in Colorado my whole life.

I made a plan with dh to move, gave him a years warning that I wanted to move at the end of this summer (since he works and I don't really). He said okay. Needless to say - we aren't going anywhere cause he can't find work. I am not sure he really spent much time looking, or really worked at it.

I feel so powerless to change anything about my life right now. I can't move, I can't get pregnant. Everything is up to someone else.

So I can relate. The only thing I can say about making a plan is make the plan with the full knowledge it might not work out the way you planned. Maybe find a class or something you can do that would be interesting to you. I know craft stores usually do them cheap. I don't know the answer here. I started quilting cause it was interesting and seemed like a good fun thing to know how to do. And it takes up time. But it has helped. I do enjoy it and I do look forward to it.

Anyway I just wanted to stop in and say hi and give you many

[muse]

Originally posted by AdinaL
I feel so powerless to change anything about my life right now. I can't move, I can't get pregnant. Everything is up to someone else.

Yikes, you just summed up how I feel right now too. Awful, isn't it?


Megan; this may be way off but since your Dh has a degree in music has he ever thought about training in music therapy? There's lots of opportunities in OH.

[its_our_family]

I was actually going to go into music therapy but there are very very few schools where degrees are available.

Our life together is nothing like we had ever planned. So, we are almost starting from scratch and trying to find something that will resemble a life that we will be happy living.

[Bex80]

Megan, Congrats on your new babe!

I'm sorry things are sucking right now, I've been there myself and I think I know how you feel...PM me if you want to chat. I live in Norfolk. Also, there's going to be an MDC meet-up at the zoo on April 14th.

I'm a good listener.

Bex

[PurpleBasil]

What you describe sounds a lot like PPD - have you been evaluated for that? Something to consider.

[sincitymama]

No brilliant insights here, just and understanding.
And I totally relate to the being unhappy, Dh interprets it as being upset with him or his fault so HE gets pissy, starts a downward spiral of bickering and grumpiness...no fun at all.
Hope things get better for you, or you find something that helps you cope.

-Sarah

[its_our_family]

Bex--I was supposed to be at that meet up but my MIL was seriously ill and we had to come home...so we missed it

Nop, I have not been evaluated for ppd. I had ppd with my son and this feels nothing like it. I've had these thoughts before and I really feel it is being stuck in aplace I don't want to be, with ppl who do NOT see even remotely close to how we do on parenting (our church is really into Ezz ), and it has something to do with us having to pay bills with credit and now running out of room on our cards, our family having medicaid and WIC and the only thing we've ever heard from leadership at our church is Well, I guess its a good thing Benjamin doesn't make a lot of money"


There is a lot involved.

I'm starting to really think about what I want to do and I think I've made some headway. I a, going to being teaching lessons out of my home. I figure I can do that until the boys are a little older. Then I want to go to school for massage therapy (for prenatal massage) and eventually become a doula. So far, that sound of this plan makes me the happiest.

Oh, and dh anf I were talking about when the boiys are older and in school about how I can get a part time job if need be. He looked at me and said, no the important thing for you to start doing now and especially when the boys are in school is work on finding yourself and the thing you find joy in. THEN we can talk about you MAYBE getting a p/t job)

So, I feel like I have his support behind me