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Should I call CPS? WWYD?? - Page 2

post #21 of 54
i dont get it. what exactly are you complaining about?

walking barefoot for miles? that is a preference for many people. my dd prefers walking barefoot. however without a shoulder on the road or pavement i can see the safety issue.

in many houses an under 18 year old bf staying with gf is allowed - esp. if the boy has an unhappy family situation.

well yeah so your sister is not taking care of her responsibilities. but her dad fills in for her.

it seems to me its a whole big problem for you, but not for them. it seems all the others are happy with how the situation is. except you.

so i am not sure what exactly you find inappropriate. it seems you are getting upset about things that is 'none of your business'.

however i like how pp said to keep your niece informed about birth control and pp.
post #22 of 54
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamadelbosque View Post
Seriously, calling this statutory rape is ridiculous - your ruining a kids life cause' he wants to have sex with his gf. I *hate* statutory rape laws for this reason. I'd say its safe to say that most of us had sex before we were 18. Quite a few before we were 16, or had a boyfriend who was 18+ - and it *was* consentual. To call it anything but is a disgrace to the rape laws and utterly humiliatingly wrong on the 'rapists' part - because then they are labeled as "sex offenders" for the *REST OF THEIR LIVES* - that is to say, their lives are *EFFECTIVELY RUINED* - over sex with gf/bf. Who freaking cares.
??? Did you not just read my prior post? I NEVER said it was statutory rape. I was only replying to a poster's comment about stautory rape laws in certain states.

I will say it again: I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF THEY ARE HAVING SEX. Calm. Down.
post #23 of 54
Quote:
Originally Posted by shells_n_cheese View Post
??? Did you not just read my prior post? I NEVER said it was statutory rape. I was only replying to a poster's comment about stautory rape laws in certain states.

I will say it again: I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF THEY ARE HAVING SEX. Calm. Down.
i dont think she saw it. i think she was writing her message when you posted your reply.
post #24 of 54
I understand your concern, really I do. I see pregnant teens all the time, in situations like this. I see teen dads all the time. Its sad to me, but its happening. Your father seems happy that he has the company, even though he may be taken advantage of, he might not care.
The best thing you can do, as an aunt, is support your niece. Discuss birth control. Hang out with her like a mom would, be there for her. I didnt have any mom when I was a teen, and my aunt was like my mom. I owe her a lot.
And try to be grateful, at least you know your teen is safe at your dads. I see terrible situations where teens are living with their friends in condemned houses on their own, runaways, etc....
post #25 of 54
I know you're worried about these kids, but I think at this point CPS is not going to be of much help. I'm sorry. It must be so frustrating to watch that happen. If I were you, I'd offer concrete, real support: "I really believe you have a lot of potential no matter what anyone might say. If you ever want to go to college, let me know, and I'll help you with the papers." Or something. Help the boy find a real job.

In my opinion that would be much more useful than calling CPS.
post #26 of 54
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by EdnaMarie View Post
I know you're worried about these kids, but I think at this point CPS is not going to be of much help. I'm sorry. It must be so frustrating to watch that happen. If I were you, I'd offer concrete, real support: "I really believe you have a lot of potential no matter what anyone might say. If you ever want to go to college, let me know, and I'll help you with the papers." Or something. Help the boy find a real job.

In my opinion that would be much more useful than calling CPS.
You are right. I am not going to call CPS. I will be there for her--that's all I can do. I just don't want her life going in the wrong direction.
post #27 of 54
What is your concern, exactly? Is it that you don't want them to have sex and you think it's more likely that they will if he's living with her grandfather?
post #28 of 54
i'm glad she has someone worried about her.

i don't think a call to CPS will help. but, i would make her an appointment at planned parenthood and take her there to get her on birth control (if she is not already) and discuss ways to prevent STD's.

start the conversation with her "i wish someone had done this for me when i was 15 ... " and leave your thoughts about the current living situation out of it.

best of luck
post #29 of 54
CPS is for abused or truly neglected, helpless kids, that have no one else to speak up for them.

It is not for policing family situations of teens whose behaviors or home lives you're not happy with.

Just think if you called CPS on this matter and the time it took to investigate it took away from a REAL emergent case where some little kids DID need CPS's help.

I don't see why you'd involve a government agency in this situation. I second (third fourth etc) what the other posters said - you can be a helpful aunt by providing information that could prevent pregnancy, be a friendly ear to talk to, etc. That's all, really. Otherwise it's not REALLY and TRULY your business what relationship your niece has with her boyfriend - unless she is being abused in some way. Which it doesn't sound like she is.
post #30 of 54
no, I wouldn't call CPS over this. No way no how. Heck, when I was 15 I had a 19 yo boyfriend (of course, I lived in a healthy, happy home - but still).
post #31 of 54
Quote:
Originally Posted by shells_n_cheese View Post
You are right. I am not going to call CPS. I will be there for her--that's all I can do. I just don't want her life going in the wrong direction.
You sound like a very loving person and your niece is lucky to have you in her life. All you can do is offer support when she needs it and hope that in time, she learns from her mother's mistakes without making too many horrible ones of her own.
post #32 of 54

*


Edited by Cascadian - 6/2/11 at 9:10pm
post #33 of 54
Ditto Cascadian and others who pointed out how lucky your neice is that she has someone who really cares about her and wants to see her happy and safe.

While I agree that I'm not sure what you'd say to CPS if you did call (and therefore don't think calling CPS is the answer), I never EVER believe that when a child is in a concerning situation (and walking 5 miles alone to other towns and hitchhiking are concerning behaviors in a 15 yr old) that adults who care should "mind their own business". The main question is HOW you try to help.

I agree with everyone who said have a frank conversation with her about your concerns (sex, hitching, heck even tell her what you think of her boyfriend - you can't make her stop dating him but she should hear from an adult who cares if you have concerns). But ALSO talk to her about what you hope for her, how you hope she feels about herself and her life in 5 yrs, 10 yrs, 20 yrs. We don't talk enough to kids (especially older teens) about our hopes and dreams for them and often in these situations they don't have anyone who's particularly future-focused. They need that perspective. It's not about telling her you think she should be a doctor or a lawyer... it's about whatever you hope she'll be able to choose for herself and that she'll be stable and happy (I'm guessing that's what you'd want for her, but whatever it is, share it with her).

And definitely ditto talking openly with her about sex and if she's sexually active, taking her to Planned Parenthood and helping her protect herself from pregnancy and STDs.

Good luck, she's lucky you care so much and hopefully she'll be open to hearing your concerns.
post #34 of 54
I'm glad that you've decided not to call CPS on this. The threshold for CPS involvement in the case of a 15 year old is much higher than that of a younger child (I work in foster care).

Unfortunately, here, what you are talking about is bad parenting, not abuse or neglectful (legally speaking) parenting. The difference between the two is key.

Also, I support all the PP who suggested talking to your niece about safe sex, and getting her to Planned Parenthood. It sounds like her mother isn't helpful, and I doubt your father wants to talk to his granddaughter about sex (or she, him), but you may be able to get in there.
post #35 of 54
ha, you'd die if you lived where I live. You would have to call CPS on pretty much every family on my block.

I'm so sorry for your niece. It sounds like she really has a rough situation and is coping the best way that she can. There are two teenage girls on our street whose mom regularly locks them out for hours so she can have sex with her current man of the day. There is a 13 yo girl on my corner whose dad is a functioning alcoholic, so she runs away aout once a month because he "pisses her off." Oh and she is screwing his brother, her "uncle" (her "dad" is not her bio dad), but no one can prove it because she won't admit it, even though it's pretty obvious.

All of these girls frequent my house. I can't call CPS....they would just end up in some nasty group home somewhere;how would that help them? And honestly CPS wouldn't care much. So I just let them come over and hang out and play with my kids and they vent about their families, and then they go home.

your niece's situation is a shame, it really is. But I fail to see what the reason or purpose would be of calling CPS. What would you tell them? and what outcome would you be hoping for?
post #36 of 54
I would totally agree that situation is not something I would want for my kids. But I agree with pp, what can CPS really do? There really isnt neglect. Bad choices by your sister and your dad, but not really CPS worthy.

I have a similar situation with a few of my nieces/nephews (on DH side) that drink, do drugs, sleep around, come and go as they please, drop out of school and dont contribute anything to the family i.e. getting a job, chores etc. Basically taking advantage of their mom, but hey, she lets em. So my sympathy runs thin.

I can just tell you from personal experience, if you are ready to deal with everyone being upset and not wanting to be around you (for fear you might call again) then go ahead, but I doubt you will find it worth it. I had something similar happen in my family where siblings were paying FAR to much attention to the other's children and their parenting, even documenting it. In the end CPS was called and now people dont talk. Even years later, and I doubt it will ever get better. For the record, the CPS case was closed with nothing found to be wrong with the parenting, maybe not what I would do, but not true abuse or neglect.

I feel what you are saying, I dont agree with those behaviors either. But I would say, for me, unless it is obvious neglect or abuse, just leave it alone.

Dont meddle if you arent ready to deal with the repercussions.
post #37 of 54
Also, wanted to add that I agree with pp. Be the positive in her life. Be a good influence if even indirectly. Talk to her about safe behavior and show her that someone does care for her, by helping her make good choices. She has a terrible example for a mom and even though she doesnt live with you I think she can learn to trust and respect your judgement because it comes from a good place, and that will help her to respect herself more when she knows someone truly cares for her wellbeing.

Her mom, just disgusting example to me. Unfortunately, there are far too many people in the world like that.
post #38 of 54
If you call CPS they can start the ball rolling on getting the boy under statutory rape laws in a few months. I think the situation is sad and angering, but no not CPS worthy.


http://www.infoline.org/InformationL...0Rape%20fj.asp
Charges may be filed by:

the victim
the victim’s parents or guardians
the State’s Attorney
Even if the victim or the victim’s parents refuse to cooperate, the State’s Attorney can still file criminal charges against the other person. Also, the victim’s parents may file charges even if the victim does not want to file charges.
post #39 of 54
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marsupialmom View Post
If you call CPS they can start the ball rolling on getting the boy under statutory rape laws in a few months. I think the situation is sad and angering, but no not CPS worthy.


http://www.infoline.org/InformationL...0Rape%20fj.asp
Charges may be filed by:

the victim
the victim’s parents or guardians
the State’s Attorney
Even if the victim or the victim’s parents refuse to cooperate, the State’s Attorney can still file criminal charges against the other person. Also, the victim’s parents may file charges even if the victim does not want to file charges.
Why would anyone actually do that?
post #40 of 54
I wouldn't call CPS but if you have a good relationship with your niece you may want to take her out for lunch and discuss being responsible in regards to sex and other areas of her life. She's fortunate to have an aunt who cares enough. Instead of calling CPS, call her regularly. She probably is longing for a motherly figure who can help direct and guide her.
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