Aspie, ADHD, adolescence, and wishing to die... help!
DS12 is ADHD and mild Aspie. He's been on meds since early this summer (after trying everything 'natural' to no avail) - currently Adderall 15mg -- and it has made a world of difference. He's finally blossoming, he's able to do the things he's wanted to do, his talents are emerging and developing, and -- most intriguing and telling -- he says he "likes himself better" when he's on the meds.
He still has problems, though. Of course the meds aren't a magic bullet. They give his brain the stimulation it needs so that he can focus on, well, anything else, instead of just focusing on getting more and constant stimulation. But he still has behavior issues that will be a longer task to improve, or just maturity.
His 'natural' tendency is to be lazy, selfish... and to blame everyone and everything else for his problems. He will not take responsibility for his own actions, attitude, self, etc. I know that this is in large part due to the Asperger's and not that he's "bad", but the net result is still that he behaves with very little empathy, very little respect for others, like he expects the world to be handed to him on a silver platter.
It's improving, of course, on the whole, but there's a long way to go to mature adulthood!
Anyway, most days are actually pretty good lately, but there are bad days, and they're really bad. Today was really bad. He'll have these terrible tantrums... while they used to be violent and physical when he was younger, now he just cries. Wails. Sobs. As though his heart is being rent from his chest.
When he gets like this, I am not very sympathetic. I know I should be more... but I'm already working SO HARD to be patient and sympathetic with him. And these tantrums are not caused by anything that's really deserving of intense grief! It's usually because he wants something, doesn't get it... or he gets stuck on some idea that he thinks I "promised" him something (which I didn't) and now I'm "breaking" a promise. Or I just need him to do one simple thing and then we can do what it was he wanted. Let me clarify that he does have a lot of input into what he's doing, it's not like a random meaningless thing that I should choose my battles over and just let him not do this thing. I'm talking about things where I HAVE chosen the battle and this is something he MUST do. One simple little thing, but he's stuck in thinking he CAN'T DO IT. Really he can, he just doesn't WANT to. But he insists that he CAN'T.
Then when it's really bad, it escalates from there. Apparently, I hate him, and I want him to be miserable. I never listen to him, nobody ever listens to him. These are all pretty "normal" complaints from a tantruming adolescent, I know.
What's less "normal" is when he says "I may as well just DIE". Or "you're trying to kill me". Or, lately, it's "I'd rather die than feel like this."
I think this recent one is getting closer to the truth. He really does NOT like the way he feels when he's out of control. So I don't understand why he drives himself into it! I try to explain to him, to help him see (when he's calm and we're talking about it) that he works HIMSELF into these fits, he makes choices that drive him into it and then almost deliberately keeps himself there. But however that's working, he doesn't really like himself when he's like that. Just like he's said how he likes himself better when he's on the meds. The meds don't fix everything... he still doesn't like himself when he's having a tantrum.
We talked about his fit that he had today, some right afterwards (when he was still very sad but able to talk), and some at bedtime tonight. He said it feels like his body is at war. Like the world is trying to get him. I was telling him how he'll be happier if he learns to cooperate -- with me and with the world. It's when he fights against me (and against the reality of the world) that he gets like this. He needs to accept reality, and then things will be better, in a sense.
He said that since the world is trying to kill him, then if he cooperates, he'll die. *sigh*
Anyway, we eventually made some headway. Clarifying that I am not his enemy. The world is not his enemy. The enemy is the part inside himself that is fighting with the 'real' him or the 'good' him or however you want to call it. He needs to be strong and resist this character. But he says he can't, or he doesn't know how to. It just overwhelms him, with bad feelings (and bad behaviour).
I know that adolescence can be especially tough for an Aspie kid. Even though emotionally he's only like an 8yo or so *sigh*... though I'm not sure how much of this is that issue, since he's always been like this, more or less.
I just need to know how I can help him. He's not currently getting any therapy, we had a formal evaluation in the spring and that's all our coverage will pay for... He's read some books about dealing with ADHD and coping with negative feelings. And they did help. I think maybe he needs something bigger, aimed at teens perhaps.
I do feel so badly for the poor little guy. I've dealt with depression in my youth and I know it sucks... big time. But he's actually got a pretty easy life. I think he needs to learn the value of hard work and the TRUE joy that comes from that, to help get him out of his immature view of immediate pleasure. That's not very fulfilling! But he's very resistant.
I'm rambling. I'm venting. He asked me for help and I said I'd try to see what I could find out to help him. I guess I'm hoping someone else has gone through similar issues either themselves or with their aspies and they can point me to a great book or a great technique... He's usually such a happy, silly, creative, boisterous fellow. It's one extreme or the other. Should I be looking into bipolar??? Oy...
Thanks for reading.
