I've recently become aware that I have not been acting assertively, to my own detriment, and probably for the common purpose of avoiding conflict and pleasing others. This summer, I decided to do something about it. Perhaps it was that not being assertive started to cost more than what I thought it would cost to be assertive.
The biggest fear of a non-assertive person is what will happen if she asserts herself, and one of the exercises that can be done to help with this worry is for the worried person to imagine the worst possible outcome: What is the worst that can happen?
In my case, I feel like the worst possible case is happening now that I'm asserting myself.
Briefly, I am noticing that "friends" are responding very defensively to my assertiveness, and I am now second-guessing whether I'm doing it "right". For instance, am I too assertive, to the point of aggressive? On examination, I really don't think so, but how would I know?
There is one person in particular that is responding very defensively and whenever I assert myself with her, she minimizes my feelings and somehow tries to make it sound like the problem lies with me, that I'm over-reacting. For several years, I have played doormat in this friendship, so perhaps it's a shock to this person?
I was hoping that I would feel empowered after asserting myself a few times, but instead I'm left feeling more nervous about doing so again because the response has been so negative.
Basically what I'm doing is saying "this isn't okay with me. I feel disrespected when you (don't show up when we've made plans, etc.)." And then I get back something like: "well, I have x excuse, and it isn't a big deal anyway." Then I say: "it matters to me because I spent a lot of time and energy getting ready and coordinating things so I could meet you, and I feel disrespected when you just don't show up." And then, back: "well, sorry about that, but I can't believe we're even having this conversation. You're making a big deal out of nothing."
Is this what is going to keep happening when I assert myself?
Perhaps this will keep happening until I surround myself with people who are much more respectful and mature and who value my friendship?
How do I get to a place where this response doesn't hurt my feelings, where I can just say to myself that it's not worth my tears? I guess I'm just disappointed about realizing people I thought were friends really weren't.
The biggest fear of a non-assertive person is what will happen if she asserts herself, and one of the exercises that can be done to help with this worry is for the worried person to imagine the worst possible outcome: What is the worst that can happen?
In my case, I feel like the worst possible case is happening now that I'm asserting myself.
Briefly, I am noticing that "friends" are responding very defensively to my assertiveness, and I am now second-guessing whether I'm doing it "right". For instance, am I too assertive, to the point of aggressive? On examination, I really don't think so, but how would I know?
There is one person in particular that is responding very defensively and whenever I assert myself with her, she minimizes my feelings and somehow tries to make it sound like the problem lies with me, that I'm over-reacting. For several years, I have played doormat in this friendship, so perhaps it's a shock to this person?
I was hoping that I would feel empowered after asserting myself a few times, but instead I'm left feeling more nervous about doing so again because the response has been so negative.
Basically what I'm doing is saying "this isn't okay with me. I feel disrespected when you (don't show up when we've made plans, etc.)." And then I get back something like: "well, I have x excuse, and it isn't a big deal anyway." Then I say: "it matters to me because I spent a lot of time and energy getting ready and coordinating things so I could meet you, and I feel disrespected when you just don't show up." And then, back: "well, sorry about that, but I can't believe we're even having this conversation. You're making a big deal out of nothing."
Is this what is going to keep happening when I assert myself?
Perhaps this will keep happening until I surround myself with people who are much more respectful and mature and who value my friendship?
How do I get to a place where this response doesn't hurt my feelings, where I can just say to myself that it's not worth my tears? I guess I'm just disappointed about realizing people I thought were friends really weren't.
Your friend sounds like she isn't in a very healthy, respectful place at this point. So, you asserting yourself is certainly going to cause her discomfort, which she is obviously dealing with by trying to make it your problem and not hers. Perhaps your friends will learn to grow to accommodate your new healthy habits, and/or perhaps you will find that more healthy people are attracted to you as you become more healthy yourself. I know that I have certainly struggled with friendships as I have shed my unhealthy habits, but I'm finally finding myself naturally surrounded with people whom I really appreciate and who are in tune with my healthier habits.
and up until that point I assumed I was a perfect room mate...In that moment I realized that all along I was irritating her sometimes too. Maybe we would have weathered confrontations just fine, but ten years later and living in different states we are still close, so not airing grievances worked just fine.
to both of those. And perhaps it is because the deepness of intimacy varies for different people and a confrontation, explanation, emotional recovery is closer than some people want to be with their 'friends'.
I am here a lot because there are so many areas of my life I need help/growth with. Friendships are just something I AM successful at. As measured by what my friends say and write to me about our friendships as well as how nurtured and supported I feel by my friends.
I guess I'd watch what happens and decide how important the relationship is to you...
