Thank you all for your support and concern! Honestly!
Once again mdc community has really made me feel like I have a community of women who are rooting for me.
So, after I sent DH the e-mail, on Sunday morning I made our family pancakes, eggs, etc. and we had a nice time eating at the table together. My DS went off to play when he was done and I asked my husband, "So, did you get my e-mail?"
(A tangent here - When I first wrote the e-mail it was really kind of demanding and angry, I think I needed to get some feelings out, almost like journaling
but then I edited it to sound very positive, and supporting and not too long, just focusing on the biggest issues. I think it turned out nicely)
He said yes and told me that it is never his intention to do something deceitful or unequal with finances. I told him it upset me that my name was not on the title of the car, and he told me he didn't even realize he was supposed to add my name too. He said we can add it right away. I also told him that if we ever purchase a condo/home (we want to do that but are renters right now) that my name needs to be on that too. He agreed to that and told me that if I really want us to be partners then he has some things that he thinks I could do more equally also. It was such a great convo and we both were able to talk about issues that we hadn't been bringing up.
He confirmed that I am listed as next of kin on all accounts, and him on mine, and has all login info listed somewhere and will put it somewhere where I can access it in case of an emergency.
Now.....the savings account.
So. My husband is uncomfortable with adding my name to the savings account (I am listed as a beneficiary) and giving me authority to make transactions. Apparently this is because when we first got married, he owed me $1,000 for something and when we were fighting
, in anger I took it out of our joint savings account without telling him first. He felt that this was not a joint decision, and it affected his ability to trust me. I didn't realize that that instance years ago was still in his mind now.
What he DID say is that since we use Quicken (an online program) to do our budget, he will give me the Quicken info so that I can be more active in helping with the budget. The Savings account is linked to Quicken (Quicken draws info from the account online), so I will be able to see the balance and all transactions in and out of the account anytime I want. So I can see everything but not do anything without consulting him. He can make transactions from the account (he pays all bills and expenses) before asking me, but I will see all of them on Quicken. He also said I can ask him anytime what the balance is and he will tell me.
It's not perfect but things are definitely improving, and I hope that with time my husband will be able to trust me to the extent that he will add me to the savings account too. Maybe when I start working and have an income he can add me to it and then we can both make deposits to it.
And yes, he liked the idea that watching our finances grow together can be a great unifying factor in our marriage.
Thanks for keeping up with this thread, for your advice, for reading my long posts, and for helping me to be more assertive in my marriage. Forever grateful.