Does "special occasion" HAVE to equal "spending money"?

[carfreemama]

Okay, I'm pretty sure the answer is no. However, it does seem there's an expectation (at least among my middle-class cohorts) that money SHOULD be spent at celebratory times. This is true even among my frugal friends.

It is my twelfth wedding anniversary today. I am madly in love with my DH. Money is not an issue, we have more than enough. We COULD go out for dinner, to a play, whatever. We do do those things on occasion; okay, we hardly ever eat out. But we do spend money on pleasure.

But I don't want to. I want to have a romantic anniversary and just not spend a dime. When I tell people this, they are aghast. I had someone tell me today I was "taking frugality too far."

What I want to do is take a long, long walk with dh; the hours-long kind like we used to before dd (who is a great walker herself, BTW).

That's it. We will pack thermoses of coffee and a bag of home-made cookies. We will talk and laugh and hold hands. We will make each other cards.

I don't really care what other people think. I'm just surprised by the reaction and wondering if I should loosen up a little. I just can't relax at dinner knowing the bill is coming. I'd rather do something free.

[cappuccinosmom]

I don't see any reason to change what you're doing.

I probably wouldn't discuss it in depth with others though, unless they asked directly. We don't do birthday and anniversary outings either. A lot of times folks have offered to babysit so dh and I can go out, and I just say "Oh, that's so sweet of you. But "going out" just isn't our thing. We'll be home this evening, doing something fun as a family"

[MisaGoat]

I really like your idea of celebrating!

People have trouble understanding because that is not what they would want or expect on their anniversary. Do what makes you enjoy and happy anniversary!

[happysmileylady]

I had someone tell me today I was "taking frugality too far."

to try to give them the benefit of the doubt, perhaps the are thinking that you mean you aren't going to do anything at all when you say that you don't want to spend money.

[LaughingHyena]

Sounds like a great anniversary to me. When we are at the inlaws they usually have the kids for a couple of hours so we can go for a walk on our own. It nice to be able to chat and so on, but the biggest thing for me is getting to walk at adult pace

We usually have a special meal, maybe something more expensive than we might otherwise. Usually it's things we don;t have often as they take a while to prepare.

[fustian]

Sounds like a great way of celebrating your anniversary to me. It's something meaningful to the two of you

Not too sure about this though:

Originally Posted by carfreemama

I just can't relax at dinner knowing the bill is coming. I'd rather do something free.

How does your DH feel about this? Would he like to go out to dinner on occasion? Do you have the room in your budget to do so?

I just ask because I have this same problem. I have a hard time going out for an expensive dinner without getting stressed out by the bill even though we have the money to spend. However, DH is a foodie and he really enjoys the occasional (and I do mean occasional - once a year or so) really expensive restaurant meal.

I've worked hard on going with him on these meals and not saying anything about the cost and enjoying being there with him. I think you can take frugality too far if you are keeping your family from enjoying things that you can afford because you have problems spending money. It's something that I struggle with

I still think your anniversary plans sound wonderful! I hope the two of you have a great day!

[ChristyMarie]

Happy Anniversary!

I think cookies, coffee and a nice talk sound great - if that is how you two want to spend the occassion. No one else is entitled to an opinion.

We've done everything from a vacation to dinner at our local bistro for our anniversary. It just depends on where we are that year and how we're feeling.

The only thing that strikes me as odd is what the PP quoted - the part about not relaxing at dinner because of the bill. Um...???? Is going out to dinner something your husband would prefer doing more? I think that if you can afford it, occassionally going out can be very relaxing and romantic.

[sunnysandiegan]

I agree with fustian and ChristyMarie.

Your plans sound wonderful and romantic and meaningful!
Happy Anniversary!!!

When I read your last paragraph, though, bells went off in my head. You might want to explore that more. What is the emotional trigger for that? Can you acknowledge it and release it?

[AFWife]

We do more expensive dinners on occasion...mostly because we don't get much "us" time so it's only when we're spending money (ie: visiting his family) anyway.

However, I've found that doing something free or cheap can be just as meaningful! There is nothing wrong with NOT going hog-wild because it's X Occasion.

[carfreemama]

Thanks for the replies and well wishes, everyone!

To answer a few questions, I think I have my anxieties around the dinner thing figured out. I DID grow up in a really poor family, poor in the way of anxiety about not enough food. I think I do still carry some of that. The other part, though, is actually that I AM a foodie. I can't handle paying what seems like a ton of money for usually only okay food. Dh is less selective and just enjoys his steak and fries. FTR, he doesnt' really want to spend the cash, either. If he did, I would definitely honour that.

I do only share these kinds of plans when specifically asked, but this is still the response I get. I know we spend a lot less money on luxuries than most people I know.

I do think maybe I need to relax and indulge more and I wonder if the habit of frugality does end up making it hard to just let go of money. That said, I have a cashmere sweater on its way in the mail for me (on incredible clearance). This was a reward I promised myself for getting through a scary medical test I've been dreading for months (I was cleared, by the way).

I did buy him a card and some truffles today.

I am still pondering the question, though.

[ChristyMarie]

Originally Posted by carfreemama

I did buy him a card and some truffles today.

A truly frugal foodie would have made the truffles.





I cannot stand paying for so-so food out. Hate it. Irritates me to no end. I would rather go out for one really fricking good meal a month than a bunch of so-so ones because we're awesome cooks.

[AFWife]

Originally Posted by ChristyMarie

I cannot stand paying for so-so food out. Hate it. Irritates me to no end. I would rather go out for one really fricking good meal a month than a bunch of so-so ones because we're awesome cooks.

I know how you feel. I can't remember what we ate but I remember DH turned to me and said, "I like yours better" and he was kind of upset about having to pay for it...

[GuildJenn]

Originally Posted by carfreemama

Thanks for the replies and well wishes, everyone!

To answer a few questions, I think I have my anxieties around the dinner thing figured out. I DID grow up in a really poor family, poor in the way of anxiety about not enough food. I think I do still carry some of that. The other part, though, is actually that I AM a foodie. I can't handle paying what seems like a ton of money for usually only okay food. Dh is less selective and just enjoys his steak and fries. FTR, he doesnt' really want to spend the cash, either. If he did, I would definitely honour that.

I do only share these kinds of plans when specifically asked, but this is still the response I get. I know we spend a lot less money on luxuries than most people I know.

I do think maybe I need to relax and indulge more and I wonder if the habit of frugality does end up making it hard to just let go of money. That said, I have a cashmere sweater on its way in the mail for me (on incredible clearance). This was a reward I promised myself for getting through a scary medical test I've been dreading for months (I was cleared, by the way).

I did buy him a card and some truffles today.

I am still pondering the question, though.

This, since you said it, is the crux to me.

I think your anniversary plans sound lovely, but I also think if that comment struck a nerve it may be a sign.

This is how we worked through some of that - save up a pricey meal fund by being frugal/cheap on other things and then when you go to blow it, concentrate on how virtuous you were to get there. And also try to pick somewhere really, really good where it won't be blown.

My DH and I decided one year a while back that we were not going to eat out at all ever...unless it was a top of the line restaurant. We really enjoyed our 3 meals out that year. We did it right - reservations in advance, talked to the server and the chef, etc. Those were great, great meals. Just a totally different league.

(Although actually by then - I'd lost the guilt!)

Enjoy both the simple anniversary and whatever you decide to do next!

[carfreemama]

Okay, now I know where I want to go. There is a place I've walked by on the way to the farmers' market that I've never dared step foot in. I know they serve local food; but it's the crisp white linen tablecloths and lovely stained glass lamps, big windows looking right out on a bustling downtown street...

I've wanted to go there for YEARS. I like the idea of saving up in a fund. That should be easy, considering we have 38 categories in our budget already. I THINK I could enjoy this once in a year. It's just so.much.money to go out, but I do know experiences are worth spending money on.

[mnnice]

I think both your ideas sound great. I don't think special occassions have to mean spending money. If you get married at the courthouse or have a $200,000 affair your married either way kwim? Why would celebrating it be any different?

DH and I had the greatest day together today. We went to the apple orchard, walked around the state park, and then went out for lunch (at a new place we were curious about), but I know we would have been just as happy with a couple of sandwiches and some of the apples. The part that was special was that we spent it together (kiddos at school) and that it was one of those great perfect early fall days. And frankly that DH spent one of his precious vacation days doing something just with me.

[rightkindofme]

Depends on what you mean by 'spending money'. I love love love love high tea. It just rocks my world. There is a little tea house near us that does it. Our anniversary was less than a week after I gave birth and had a nasty hemorrhage. Not going anywhere. So my husband stopped by there the day before our anniversary and picked up their homemade lemon curd and scones and asked them about how to make some of their other stuff.

I got high tea in bed. As far as actual money spent--maybe $10 on an unusual food purchase but awesome times 50.

[carfreemama]

It's nice to hear about others' experiences. Sometimes it feels as though every time we want to do something special, it involves money, like that's what defines it as a separate occasion. I'm trying to get away from that idea. OTOH, I don't want to get to the point where I'm actually afraid to spend money just for fun.

Unstructured time with dh, like what mnnice describes with apple picking, is I think what I'm craving most. I've always really enjoyed dh's company and conversation always seems to flow better when we're out doing something, browsing and walking around.

And I would LOVE to spend money on "high tea!" That actually appeals to me much more than dinner out. I'm a girl who loves her bikkies. And yeah, postpartum high tea in bed...sounds like hubby got that one right!

[just_lily]

For us, "special occasion" usually means dropping DD off at Granny's for a couple of hours!!

What we have done for both of our birthdays this year is trade in our Air Miles for movie passes and restaurant gift cards. We got to have a steak dinner, a movie (in the theater! LOL!) and even popcorn, without costing us a dime.

[swd12422]

When I saw the title of your thread, I immediately thought, "Of course not, but we always do!" because DH and I are in the "foodie" category and love to eat out at really nice restaurants for birthdays and anniversaries. (DH also likes to travel, so that means eating out every meal, even if it's not at a fancy place...) But then I read your post and saw your plans, and got REALLY jealous. I'd love it if we did that. We love to eat, and I love that exploring a new (local) restaurant is our usual thing, but I'd really love it if we actually did something different and romantic for a change. The walk with cookies and coffee just struck me as something I would love for my DH to plan, more so than a surprise trip someplace with champagne and jewelry. (And I love jewelry! And champagne...)

Ignore the naysayers and do what you want. It's not for anyone else to like or dislike anyway.

PS - And yeah, I'm rambling (sorry) but if you have a restaurant that you've been wanting to try (and that one sounds really neat), why not treat yourselves? Even if you don't do it this year for your anniversary, just treat yourselves on a random date night or the next birthday. Just as you don't have to spend money just b/c it's a special occasion, you don't have to wait for one to splurge on a dinner you've been wanting to try. Build it into the budget and do it whenever it feels right.

[ChetMC]

My Birthday

One year for my birthday DH got us tickets to be in the studio audience for a taping of a radio show that we both love. He was extra proud because the tickets were free, and he knew how much I'd appreciate a birthday gift that didn't cost any money.

Last year for Christmas DH scored a piece of computer equipment for free that I'd wanted for years and years. Again, he was extra pleased with himself that he found something I would love, and it didn't cost any money, which he knew I would also love.

I appreciate that DH considers my frugality when selecting gifts.

We often do very simple things to celebrate. We're big into picnics at playgrounds.