DSD "A" told DH and me that while on a fishing trip with her stepdad, step-uncle and a couple male cousins, she had to pee. Apparently, they were close to toilet facilities and her step-dad opted to hold her over the side of the boat to pee. I'm trying to wrap my head around exactly how he did this, but none of the pictures are pretty. It makes no sense that he would do this, especially in a boat of all males. DSD is 13 and was absolutely mortified. She was so embarrassed that she told DH she is not going on another fishing trip with her stepdad, in order to keep it from happening again.
Both girls have also told us that the stepfather spanks younger DSD, and that one time over a laundry discrepancy (he accused her of somehow lying), he bent her (age 11 at the time) over a table and spanked her bottom with his hand. They are both pubescent girls and I'm of the opinion that his hand belongs nowhere near her bottom. Besides, I completely disagree with spanking a child period. (When DH told his ex that younger DSD "M" told him she was spanked by her stepdad, his ex denied it and said that they don't get spanked. Yet, the news of being bent over the table was confirmed this summer by both DSDs, after the conversation with his ex. Plus, he's heard stories of being spanked on several occasions.
We've known about the boat incident for months and I've suggested to DH that he talk to his ex about it, how he doesn't agree with it, and ask how she is going to keep it from happening again. I think he should also talk to her regarding the spanking. I'm very, very uncomfortable with the fact that he has not talked to her about these things--over a period of months, especially the boat incident. I'm concerned that other things might be happening. The stepdad obviously doesn't respect their personal boundaries. Meanwhile, I don't know that more is happening. But I think DH has the responsibility of, at the very least, talking to his exwife about these issues. I told him this last night (after he had talked on the phone with "A", who told him that during a family function, an older male stepcousin had asked her to show him her privates). "A" told DH that the only other person she talked to regarding it was her mom, as she was embarrassed. She quickly told DH what happened and when he began questioning, she changed the subject because she was uncomfortable with it. I'm thinking that maybe she wants DH to talk to her mom about it so that the situation will be dealt with.
Anyhow, unless DH says something, I don't think anything will be done. I know boys will be boys and kids will be kids, but "A's" mom should at least talk to the parents, as well as respect A's wishes of not being in the presence of this boy at family functions. More of a concern to me, however, is the boating incident. That was wrong on so many levels.
There are other things, but namely suspicions and nothing that I know for sure. DSDs mom and stepdad frequently take them to Hooters, which DH strongly disapproves of. (I disapprove, as well, but my opinion isn't the one that matters here.) I do think DH should talk to his ex about taking the girls to Hooters, and what that does to their developing self-image, but I'm not sure if it's one of the most important things to bring up at this point.
I suspect DH is hesitant to talk to his ex about these things because she has full custody and "allows" the girls to spend time with their dad during the summer. He's afraid she may keep him from seeing the girls at all. I'm of the mindset that he can take her to court and win visitation with the girls if his ex tried to keep them from him. Of course, I'm speaking from complete naiveté.
I told DH that if he didn't talk to his ex about these things (the boating incident mainly, and the spanking secondly) this week, I would call CPS. Was I wrong to threaten to call CPS if DH doesn't talk to his ex? Did I overstep my boundaries? I just strongly suspect more may be happening. I know suspicions are not proof. I suggested he call his ex months ago. It's just so hard to be concerned and yet not able to do anything about it. I feel completely powerless. I love the girls very much, but as their stepmother I feel like I can only stand by.
Please don't hesitate to tell me if I am off-base and need to step out of the situation entirely. I'm already second-guessing myself.
ETA: DH just forwarded an email his ex sent to his workplace regarding DSD "M" wanting to come live with us. Apparently, she is having pretty major issues with the stepdad (who has been married to her mom since "M" was a baby). "M" put a letter inside Bio mom's purse. In the letter, "M" threatened to run away and requested going to live with her dad, instead. She told her mom that she had raised her for 11 years and now it is dad's turn.
Both girls have also told us that the stepfather spanks younger DSD, and that one time over a laundry discrepancy (he accused her of somehow lying), he bent her (age 11 at the time) over a table and spanked her bottom with his hand. They are both pubescent girls and I'm of the opinion that his hand belongs nowhere near her bottom. Besides, I completely disagree with spanking a child period. (When DH told his ex that younger DSD "M" told him she was spanked by her stepdad, his ex denied it and said that they don't get spanked. Yet, the news of being bent over the table was confirmed this summer by both DSDs, after the conversation with his ex. Plus, he's heard stories of being spanked on several occasions.
We've known about the boat incident for months and I've suggested to DH that he talk to his ex about it, how he doesn't agree with it, and ask how she is going to keep it from happening again. I think he should also talk to her regarding the spanking. I'm very, very uncomfortable with the fact that he has not talked to her about these things--over a period of months, especially the boat incident. I'm concerned that other things might be happening. The stepdad obviously doesn't respect their personal boundaries. Meanwhile, I don't know that more is happening. But I think DH has the responsibility of, at the very least, talking to his exwife about these issues. I told him this last night (after he had talked on the phone with "A", who told him that during a family function, an older male stepcousin had asked her to show him her privates). "A" told DH that the only other person she talked to regarding it was her mom, as she was embarrassed. She quickly told DH what happened and when he began questioning, she changed the subject because she was uncomfortable with it. I'm thinking that maybe she wants DH to talk to her mom about it so that the situation will be dealt with.
Anyhow, unless DH says something, I don't think anything will be done. I know boys will be boys and kids will be kids, but "A's" mom should at least talk to the parents, as well as respect A's wishes of not being in the presence of this boy at family functions. More of a concern to me, however, is the boating incident. That was wrong on so many levels.
There are other things, but namely suspicions and nothing that I know for sure. DSDs mom and stepdad frequently take them to Hooters, which DH strongly disapproves of. (I disapprove, as well, but my opinion isn't the one that matters here.) I do think DH should talk to his ex about taking the girls to Hooters, and what that does to their developing self-image, but I'm not sure if it's one of the most important things to bring up at this point.
I suspect DH is hesitant to talk to his ex about these things because she has full custody and "allows" the girls to spend time with their dad during the summer. He's afraid she may keep him from seeing the girls at all. I'm of the mindset that he can take her to court and win visitation with the girls if his ex tried to keep them from him. Of course, I'm speaking from complete naiveté.
I told DH that if he didn't talk to his ex about these things (the boating incident mainly, and the spanking secondly) this week, I would call CPS. Was I wrong to threaten to call CPS if DH doesn't talk to his ex? Did I overstep my boundaries? I just strongly suspect more may be happening. I know suspicions are not proof. I suggested he call his ex months ago. It's just so hard to be concerned and yet not able to do anything about it. I feel completely powerless. I love the girls very much, but as their stepmother I feel like I can only stand by.
Please don't hesitate to tell me if I am off-base and need to step out of the situation entirely. I'm already second-guessing myself.
ETA: DH just forwarded an email his ex sent to his workplace regarding DSD "M" wanting to come live with us. Apparently, she is having pretty major issues with the stepdad (who has been married to her mom since "M" was a baby). "M" put a letter inside Bio mom's purse. In the letter, "M" threatened to run away and requested going to live with her dad, instead. She told her mom that she had raised her for 11 years and now it is dad's turn.
If I hear things like that continue to happen, I will act on it. I just wanted to pose the question whether I was out of line first. Being a stepparent is not easy. I feel like I have responsibilities to DSDs and yet no say in their wellbeing.
Were you thinking I was flaming you? I hope not, I didn't mean it that way.... I just don't know if I'd wanna chance it being taken as some sort of attack on the other parents. I think you were right and he should definitely have taken it up with her sooner... a lot sooner. There's not really any control you have over that.
Follow Mothering