Resolved/Thanks! - Page 2

[PoetryLover]

Originally Posted by PoppyMama

There had to be another solution on the boat because that was completely inappropriate. I would not let that drop and I really wonder what's going on with the mother that her husband is sexually humiliating her dds and she is either unaware or doesn't think it's a big deal. I would drop the Hooters issue entirely though, it isn't illegal and it's a matter of opinion whether it's inappropriate. I don't think your dh has that kind of control over what goes on when they are with their mom. I take my kids to Hooters on occasion...it's all about the wings.

Thanks for your perspective. I agree that DH doesn't have that control, which is why he hasn't brought it up to bio mom yet. I do think, though, that he absolutely has the right to communicate his feelings to bio mom about her bringing the girls to Hooters. I don't personally believe that it's the most important thing to broach with her now, however. I think the boat incident and spanking are far more important. We're trying to keep things calm until after we have custody of younger DSD. It feels like such a tight rope to walk.

Thanks for your perspective. It was helpful, especially concerning my concerns about Hooters, which I don't think anyone else touched on.

[kittywitty]

Hmmm...I don't know how that works, then. Everyone that know of that is divorced has a legal agreement-maybe it depends on the state you're in?

[PoetryLover]

Originally Posted by pregnant@40

Yuck. This guy sounds gross. He has no right to humiliate the teen like that. And you're right, all the behavioral pieces together sound suspicious.

As for the older male step-cousin, I HOPE that what you described is not normal behavior & something to be subscribed to "boys will be boys". Your DH should step in & talk to an adult about that, as well.

I have no idea how you should handle this, but wanted to second that your "gut" feelings seem very reasonable.

Thanks for your response. DH did talk to his ex about the male stepcousin. His ex tried to write it off as a "kids thing similar to playing doctor." My opinion is that at nearly 14, she's too old for that and she was obviously uncomfortable with what happened. Bio mom said that she and DSD had talked about it and that she thought they were both willing to write it off, but that she guessed she could reexamine it. She did say that she told DSD she didn't have to go to functions where this boy would be present. I also intuited from the beginning that his ex was willing to ignore it. I think that's precisely why DSD brought it up to DH, even though she was uncomfortable discussing it with him. She wanted some action to be taken.

[mizliz72]

No way should you feel out of line! He sounds creepy, and the other relatives are definitely creepy, and the lack of concern is maddening! Sorry, but her father needs to grow a pair if he cares for his children.

[PoetryLover]

Thanks for your response, mizliz72. To be fair, since my original post DH did talk to his ex regarding several of the things I initially wrote about. As the noncustodial parent who lives states away from his children, he wants to pick his battles. If his ex wanted to (if she felt threatened by DH or that he may try to have the kids taken from her) she could prevent the girls from visiting us. Then DH would have a long court battle to gain access to his daughters. This is because they haven't gone through the courts regarding visitation. They've never needed to.

I agree, the stepdad creeps me out to no end. I'm not even slightly comfortable with him.

[2xy]

Originally Posted by PoetryLover

To be fair, since my original post DH did talk to his ex regarding several of the things I initially wrote about. As the noncustodial parent who lives states away from his children, he wants to pick his battles.

Inappropriate touching/exposure is pretty serious, from my perspective. How much worse would things have to get before your DH would not need prompting to address the situation?

I hope that when your DH goes to court for full custody of one daughter, that he pushes for joint legal custody of the other daughter.

Hooters is a non-issue, to me. Yeah, the place is gross and tacky (and the food is crap, on top of it)....but the cover of Cosmo is more offensive to me and it's right next to the check-out at the supermarket.

[PoetryLover]

Originally Posted by 2xy

Inappropriate touching/exposure is pretty serious, from my perspective. How much worse would things have to get before your DH would not need prompting to address the situation?

I hope that when your DH goes to court for full custody of one daughter, that he pushes for joint legal custody of the other daughter.

Hooters is a non-issue, to me. Yeah, the place is gross and tacky (and the food is crap, on top of it)....but the cover of Cosmo is more offensive to me and it's right next to the check-out at the supermarket.

My husband is not going to court for custody of his daughter. His daughter simply decided she'd like to live with him and the mom agreed. The court is not involved. There can't be joint custody of either child, as the parents live so far apart.

Nobody knows that inappropriate touching happened. As for inappropriate exposure, the guys in the boat were supposed to have turned their heads and tried to give privacy. As I've stated, I still think it was inappropriate and DH feels the same way. Meanwhile, he can't travel back in time and talk to his ex any sooner. He can only change his response time going forward.

ETA: I'd like to point out that if DH makes his ex feel that he's questioning the stepdad's motives in this way, she could very quickly and easily keep him from seeing his daughters for some time. That would definitely not be to their benefit. Things just aren't that simple.

[PoetryLover]

Thanks to everyone for your responses. I posted this thread some time ago and the conversation that DH needed to have with his ex has happened. If something of such magnitude happens again, his response time will be much sooner.

[2xy]

Originally Posted by PoetryLover

My husband is not going to court for custody of his daughter. His daughter simply decided she'd like to live with him and the mom agreed. The court is not involved. There can't be joint custody of either child, as the parents live so far apart.

Personally, I think that is a bad idea. What's to stop the mother from claiming that your DH "kidnapped" his own child?

As for joint legal custody, it simply means that both parents have equal input and responsibility regarding the child's upbringing, including educational and medical matters. I live in RI and my kids' dad has lived all over the place because he's still on active duty. He currently lives in VA and has been overseas as well. We still have joint legal custody. I have primary physical custody.

For example....since there is no court agreement, if something were to happen to one of the girls (like a car accident), and a decision had to be made regarding life support, your DH currently has no legal say in how that is handled. If his ex is decent enough to take his feelings into consideration, that's fine and well. But since you've portrayed their relationship as him having to walk on eggshells with her lest she cease visitation, it doesn't sound that amicable to me.

Nobody knows that inappropriate touching happened. As for inappropriate exposure, the guys in the boat were supposed to have turned their heads and tried to give privacy.

I consider the spanking to be inappropriate touching. YMMV.

[PoetryLover]

Originally Posted by 2xy

Personally, I think that is a bad idea. What's to stop the mother from claiming that your DH "kidnapped" his own child?


As for joint legal custody, it simply means that both parents have equal input and responsibility regarding the child's upbringing, including educational and medical matters. I live in RI and my kids' dad has lived all over the place because he's still on active duty. He currently lives in VA and has been overseas as well. We still have joint legal custody. I have primary physical custody.

For example....since there is no court agreement, if something were to happen to one of the girls (like a car accident), and a decision had to be made regarding life support, your DH currently has no legal say in how that is handled. If his ex is decent enough to take his feelings into consideration, that's fine and well. But since you've portrayed their relationship as him having to walk on eggshells with her lest she cease visitation, it doesn't sound that amicable to me.



I consider the spanking to be inappropriate touching. YMMV.

Regarding the spanking, I consider that inappropriate, as well. I find it unnerving. However, I don't know that it would qualify as sexual abuse. Even though I totally disagree with it, a lot of people spank their kids. It speaks to me personally and makes me (as well as DH) uncomfortable. And DH has communicated to his ex that the girls are not to be spanked period, and she has agreed to this.

When I mentioned his ex possibly keeping the kids from him, it was regarding how she may respond to us calling CPS. She's never kept the children from him in the past, but she also hasn't felt threatened in that way. Right now DH doesn't *know* why stepdad did what he did. He doesn't *know* that it was a sexual thing. He did make it clear that it is not to happen again. DH is certainly keeping the communication open with both girls and if anything else sounds weird, he'll address it with his ex or take further action, depending on the severity of the situation.

DH and his ex have already drawn up an agreement that they're both signing regarding custody of the girls. They'll still communicate about the big issues. For instance, I'll be homeschooling DSD when she moves in with us, and her mom agrees with that. If she disagreed, we'd school her in another way.