How to Raise Siblings as Friends?

[nwatt]

Ever since I found out that I am expecting twins when my DD is only going to be 19 months old one of my (many) worries is how to raise my kids so that they will be friends. It seems that this should just come naturally as we go about our lives together, but at the same time I don't really talk to either of my sisters and my DH does not talk often to his sister either. Granted, there are some relatively significant mental and substance related reasons as to why we never kept in great contact with our sisters as adults, but neither of us really played or hung out with our sisters when we were younger either despite being pretty close in age. With having three so close in age, I really want to promote friendships among my children, but I cannot picture in my mind how to go about it. I know that there might just be personality differences that keep my kids from becoming best friends, but I would at least like them to enjoy each others' company while they are in my house.

Could anyone share any experiences about raising siblings, or being raised yourself, that might help me get a clue as to how siblings are raised in a healthy family (which I did not have)? Or recommend books or articles for me to read? Thanks so much!!!!

[sewchris2642]

I was 3/4 months old when my mom became pregnant with twins. My sisters were born 2 + months early when I was 10 1/2 months old. They were due in Nov, my birthday is Oct 10th, and they were born Sept 1st. We, essentially grew up as triplets. I fought with the older twin a lot. The younger twin either stayed neutral or took her twin's side. As adults, I have more contact with my younger sister than with the older one. But some of that is because the younger sister has children and lives close to me. The older one never had kids and lives further away. We all get along when we do get together as the older one comes up frequently to see her twin and our parents. but that is also our family dynamics. We are close without having to be close.

Within my own family, Joy and Erica never did get along as children. Their personalities were just way too opposite. We always said that if they didn't share parents, they would have never crossed each others radar. They couldn't even share the same room. It was Erica and Angela who always shared a room. However, when Erica became pregnant and a mother, she and Joy have connected over motherhood.

I don't think that you can raise siblings to be friends. That is a matter of personalities and you can't control that. You can raise them to respect and accept each other as members of the same family. Whether or not they will be friends is up to them.

[Linda on the move]

I kinda agree -- just shoot for family harmony -- friendship is too high of a goal!

That being said, my DDs are friends. They are 19 months apart. My older DD has asperger's (it's a form of high functioning autism) and my younger DD is a typically developing child. They are very different, but really care about each other and enjoy spending time together.

I really like the book "Siblings without Rivalry" and recommend it.

I think part of what helps my girls is respecting that they are different people. They shared a room when they were very young, but it become obvious that it wasn't working so they've been separate for a LONG time. It's a balancing act -- being allowed to have time apart makes it easier to have time together. They have different needs, and we try to respect and meet each girl's needs. They sometimes fight, but love each other very much.

Congratulations!

[cristeen]

I can tell you what not to do. Dont play favorites, dont choose sides, and dont ignore bullying. These are all things my father did that led to a pretty bad relationship between my sister and i. Add in the basic differences in how we view our lives (i.e. i'm a breeder), and we haven't spoken in over 3 yrs.

[ann_of_loxley]

Can you make anyone be your friend? No - I don't think so. Can you learn to live with your differences and tolerate eachother? Yes of course! I think banking on your children being 'friends' is a mistake many parents make. If they turn out friends - fantastic! 'Siblings Without Rivalry' is a good book I find. I got a lot of what not to do from it as to avoid creating bad feelings between siblings, etc. It can only help!

[cappuccinosmom]

I don't think you can control whether your children will ultimately be friends as adults. They're going to make their own choices, and sometimes that's incompatible with sibling friendships, sadly.

However, as a mom you have a huge influence over family dynamics. You can make sure that you are not allowing things that cause rivalry and resentments. No favoritism, teaching them not to feel entitled, not allowing a child to get away with hurting others due to some special circumstance, things like that.

My boys are all 2 years apart, and I think they will be friends as adults, though I can't say how close. They enjoy each other's company, enjoy playing together, have empathy for one another, and regularly demonstrate love and kindness to one another.

[nwatt]

My goal isn't necessarily that they all be friends as adults. I just want their childhood to be different than mine. All that I remember is either playing alone or fighting (sometimes physically fighting) with my sisters. I don't remember any shared activities at all. I just want siblings that can play with each other, do art together, or at least don't fight whenever they interact. We couldn't even play board games because it would end in fights.