husband wants me to wean, don't know how to resolve

[nycsg]

Hello,

this is my first time posting here...Im really feeling stuck right now. Ive been happily nursing my 17 mos old and my husband, who was extremely supportive of me nursing till 1 year, has been increasingly vocal about his opposition. I think he originally thought i should stop at a year although he didnt really say anything about it at the time. When he saw I wanted to continue he let it be but decided in his mind that he would be ok with it until 18 mos. now that she's 17 mos he brought it up with me and said he really wants us to stop next month. after a long talk he came up w a "compromise" that i can continue until 21 months. I may very well want to wean by then anyway, but maybe not, who knows. i dont like this idea of a deadline, but at the same time, i want to be sensitive to his feelings, since he is a parent has very strong feelings about it himself. Just for some other info: i work full time, so the nursing realtionship is particularly special to me and my daughter. she is down to 2-3 nursings in 24 hrs, she sleeps through the night and has no weight problems. also, i have already stopped nursing in public a while ago, its just something we do in private. my husband knows about, but doesn't care about the medical benefits post 1 year. i think his reaction is just really visceral and emotional and its just something that deep down is making him really uncomfortable (his mom is very anti-bfing and even though we hardly see her, i think he consciously or unconsciously has been very influenced by her feelings, and just the general culture in which he was raised.) anyone else have to deal with this and have any tips? i feel so strongly about not setting an arbitrary deadline but at the sametime i dont want to start WWIII in our house...not sure how to approach this. any thoughts or advice very much appreciated!!!

[PoppyMama]

Hmmm. If he knows it's best to nurse till 2 but doesn't care and doesn't have any reason he is so adamant about wanting you to quite then I can't think of any rebuttal other than they aren't his breasts and it's not his nursing relationship. I've never been told what to do by a partner in this area and I don't think I'd respond in a cooperative way. I hope you can figure out a way to reach him. Could you just say that this is between you and your child and you won't discuss it with him further?

[earthmama369]

Not his body. Not his choice. I'm all for shared parenting and taking each other's *informed and educated* opinions into consideration, but when it comes to breastfeeding...not his body. The evidence is so clearly in favor of an extended breastfeeding relationship when possible that I can't see him presenting any informed and educated opinion for weaning early. And since that fails the standard we aim for in our parenting, he doesn't get a say in that one.

[Adaline'sMama]

Why is he saying he wants you to stop? I read and re read your post and I cant understand his reasoning. If you are down to 2-3 times a day, I dont understand why it matters. Why does he care?

[isabchi]

Are you around another breastefeeding families?, maybe He needs to be around to anothers Dads where breatsfeeding into the Toddlerhood is the norm.

[AtYourCervices]

I have been in this situation.

There was no compromise. I continued to breastfeed our child and that was that. I don't nurse in front of him. I know he suspects our daughter is still nursing, but he lets me and our child have our "little secret". Our daughter is 3 1/2 years old and this has been going on since she turned 3.

[ancoda]

I did sort of deal with this, my DH was very uncomfortable with me continuing a nursing relationship with our second son and then again with our youngest. His they have had enough is right around 18 months also.
I told him that though I respected the fact that he was uncomfortable with it unless he could give me any good reasons of why I should stop that I was going to continue until either me or our son felt the need to quit. Our second son tandum nursed with his brother for a year till he was almost 4 and my milk dried up early in the pregnancy that I lost so our youngest son stopped nursing then at about 2.5.

[nycsg]

Originally Posted by Adaline'sMama

Why is he saying he wants you to stop? I read and re read your post and I cant understand his reasoning. If you are down to 2-3 times a day, I dont understand why it matters. Why does he care?

to be honest, i dont really understand his reasons either -- he;s been asking me for a decision on his compromise offer, so i sent him an email from work yesterday saying that i was trying to come up with another plan that would take both of our feelings into account but that it was hard because i feel very unclear about what his specific concerns actually are. he never responded and last night when i came home neither of us brought it up. so now i feel the ball is in his court -- he can't get on me for not making a decision yet because i am now waiting for him to respond to me. i did ask him this during our talk about it last week, but he really just gave pretty vague answers about generally feeling uncomfortable, thinking it was weird, possibly unhealthy (psychologically) for our daughter (he says he's not sure he buys the studies that say otherwise). its just such a foreign idea to him culturally -- its just ingrained in him to assume somethings just not right about it. he asked me if i actually knew personally of anyone that breasfed past 18 month, and when i mentioned to him two of our friends he was very surprised that 2 people that we actually know quite well are doing it, but it still didnt seem to make much different. he feels that it is undeniable that at a certain point it should stop (im sure nearly everyone even on this board would agree that passed a certain age -- for some people maybe 2, for some people maybe 5, 6, 8, 12, etc.), and so for him, that age where he just feels like its wrong, is relatively early and i guess he doesnt have faith that either me or our daughter will choose to stop at the "right" time.

[tanyam926]

Is he open to a "lets get all the info and then make a decision" approach?

You could meet w/a LLL leader, talk to an IBCLC on the phone, give him something to read, etc. He may not believe what you are telling him bc he is not the one that has done all the research.

I have to say that if my dh were opposed to something I felt so strongly was in the best interests of my child(ren) we would have a problem. Part of my dh's love and respect for me is trusting me that I have our childrens' best interests as my first priority. He may not be a true believer in some things at first but he trusts me and when he sees the result there's no denying that there's some truth to what I believe.

Hope you guys can get this resolved quickly, it's a toughie.

[ktgrok]

Tell him Michael Jordan nursed until he was 3 years old. It's true and the fact the LC I know uses to get Dad's used to the idea.

Worldwide the average age for weaning is just over 4 years old.

[Lineymom]

Originally Posted by ktgrok

Tell him Michael Jordan nursed until he was 3 years old. It's true and the fact the LC I know uses to get Dad's used to the idea.

Worldwide the average age for weaning is just over 4 years old.

That about MJ helped convince my DH when he was thinking I should wean our 1st!

[MountainMamaGC]

If you have tried to reason, and he wont listen, firmly tell him this is not up for discussion.

Maybe he feels left out and is jealous. You dont have to stop breastfeeding to address that. You can spend more time together. Schedule a date night or something.

Honestly the burden of proof is on him. Tell him to find solid evidence that what you are doing is detrimental.

[rhiOrion]

The LLL says, "Breastfeeding should be continued for at least the first year of life and beyond for as long as mutually desired by mother and child."

Nowhere does it say "As long as desired by mother, child, and other family members."

Now, I think dads can voice their opinions if they so choose. That doesn't mean they should get the final decision on things like this.

I would absolutely not commit to weaning at a certain time. I'd say "I will take your concerns under consideration and we'll see how things are going at that time." But, you know, less formal sounding.

If he was giving you some logical reasons to why you should wean, then I'd say you should at least listen to him. But, "because I don't like it" is not a logical reason.

If there was some sort of store-bought food that could provide all the benefits that breastmilk can we would spend large amounts of money to buy it (and no, formula doesn't even count. It's a great thing and I'm soooo happy it exists, but it does not provide all the benefits of breastmilk). Everyone would buy it for their kids. You'd buy it for your 2 year old, right? He'd buy it for your 2 year old. So, here you have this FREE source of just such a substance! HOORAY! So why not continue using this free source of something that can't be found anywhere else for as long as "mutually desirable." I'm not saying that I think you should breastfeed your teenager- at that point neither of you would find it desirable. But for now, you both do.

[pdxmomazon]

NYCSG-I sympathize with your situation. Nursing is such an important and intimate relationship, but it exists right alongside with you and your partner's relationship. My (extended)BF relationship with my daughter has been one of the most challenging aspects of my and my partner's relationship.

I think it's important to recognize and validate his feelings- realize/tell him that you know it might make him uncomfortable. Acknowledge that it's not something we talk about or support in our culture. I like the previous poster's idea of trying to find some other fathers of BF toddlers to talk to him. And yeah, he might feel like he has to hide it from his mom, but be sure to point out the other parenting decisions you've made as a couple that are different from the ones his mom would've made. Then lay out your arguments. Especially with your daughter in childcare, she needs all the immune boosting help she can get. It's also important for her emotionally- she NEEDS to breastfeed- it helps her reconnect with you, and it comforts and reassures her. Does she nurse to sleep? Isn't that a nice? Nursing to sleep is a lot faster/less difficult than some of the other options! Finally, let him know that it's important to you. You want to keep nursing her. You're not ready to wean, and in your opinion, neither is your daughter.

Be a bit calculating- what will he respond to? Would having your pediatrician or pastor or beloved sister-in-law back you up sway him? Reassure him that it won't go on forever. Don't set a deadline unless it's "She'll definitely be weaned by college!" Make sure that his protests/plans aren't a cover-up for some other insecurity or gripe he has with your relationship.

Good luck.

[svs79]

Thank you so much for this post. I was logging on today to post a very similar comment/question. My husband has been pushing me to wean our DD since she was around 18 months. She is now 22 months and he was really making a lot of comments this weekend. It is very frustrating for me since we have been through the discussion that it is not his decision, but he keeps bringing it up. His primary complaint is that "it is weird now that she is getting older". I just tell him it is not weird to me or our DD, but probably need to do a better job at acknowledging his feelings.

Thanks to all of you for the suggestions. I am definitely using the MJ fact since he is a big sports fan. I also like the idea of exposing him to other Dads with BFing toddlers.

I really like this link that was shared in another thread:

http://www.kellymom.com/bf/bfextended/ebf-benefits.html

Maybe you can get some tips from here to share with your husband?

Good luck!

[nycsg]

thanks all for all the support and advice. i asked my husband to be more specific with me about his concerns - and it prompted him to go online for hours to research the issue. he admitted that "90%" of the info he saw online supported extended bfing, but that there was one article where some doctor or doctors is quoted as saying that there may be a concern that extended nursing prvents a child from learning to self soothe. he also said he is concerned that our daughter is shyer than most other toddlers her age seem (just takes a bit of time to warm up to people, is always sucking her thumb and has a weird habit of sticking her finger in her bellybutton for comfort). he is with her some days during the week and said that at a toddler music class she was very nervous, just wanted to sit on his lap and suck her thumb, touch bellybutton, watch and seemed too nervous to participate. i have seen this behavior to some extent but he admits that when i am around the behavior is not as pronounced. all this to say he is now saying he his worried that somehow the breastfeeding is either causing these issues, or not making the better, etc., maybe making her have an oral fixation, or need to be soothed, or makes it harder from her to separate from me (although i work outside home 32 hours a week so she definitely is used to being separated from me). he saw the info re: bfing increasing independence, etc., but he is not entirely convinced and wants to make sure we make the right decision for our daughter specifically. he said he wanted to raise these concerns but that he was not quite ready to have another big talk about it, which was fine with me, because im not the one with any issues about how things are currently going.

i appreciated my husbands willingness to really think about these issues and spend time doing the research himself. i think its an unfortunate sign of our culture though that he is focuing in only on bfing as a cause of these issues when it could be a hundred other things (ie maybe its cause she sleeps in our room, or because she sleeps in a crib, or her genetics, or because i work nearly full time, or because we hold her too much, or we dont hold her enough, etc.) it seems like there are a million things we could wonder about what the effects are, what is causing what, etc., but for some reason he is not worried about any other way in which we are raising her just this one aspect... so that is still frustrating, but at least we are having some rational conversations about it....
thanks again to everyone!

[2xy]

Originally Posted by nycsg

he is with her some days during the week and said that at a toddler music class she was very nervous, just wanted to sit on his lap and suck her thumb, touch bellybutton, watch and seemed too nervous to participate.

I don't think her lack of participation has anything to do with breastfeeding. I think her lack of participation is because she's a BABY. Why are we expecting babies to be classroom participants?

[sillygrl]

A 17 mo old not willing to jump into the middle of play? Not unusual. Pretty normal. My 6 yr old still sucks his middle two fingers and my 4 yr old sucks his fingers and does the thing where he sticks his fingers in his belly button, lol. She does not sound overly shy to me. I bet if he would observe *all* of the other kids around, that he'd find others who were not so quick to jump in and participate in activities. None of my kids were particularly outgoing when they were that young, but now that they're older, watch out!! lol.

[kriket]

I am in your position. DH gives me the stink eye when DS nurses, he's 17m. He has made statements like "we're going to wean the next one at 12m" I have been successfully ignoring him for about 2 months now. It still gets on my nerves.

The thing that really jumped out at me was your DH thinking that BFing is preventing your DD from learning to self soothe. DH hasn't brought this up (but if given the idea he would) DS does the same things your DD does, she watches the other kids play, like to be held A LOT, takes an eternity to warm up to people.

Anyway, my sister had a lovie until... well, she's 18, and it's still on her bed. Mom mentioned to me once that she thought having the stability of a lovie, and being able to give it up on her terms helped her become more independent. Like if you have something, and someone just takes it away, are you ever going to learn for yourself how to give things up? Or move past XYZ physcially and emotionally? Weight loss comes to mind. If someone just comes in and sucks the fat off you, are you ever going to learn how to eat right and maintain a healthy weight? That may be a poor example, but it's the best I could come up with I hope I conveyed my point, sometimes my thoughts are fragmented, and more feeling than thought and hard to convey.

For DH and I, he refuses to do any research or ask any professionals (and compared weaning BFing to weaning off formula to cow milk at 12m ) so I have told him that I don't care what he thinks, and until he finds evidence other than, "Because" I will continue doing what is best.

[lookatreestar]

maybe it is her natural personality to be a little more cautious/shy? neither of my kids have any oral fixations, and they have been nursed on demand since birth. both kids are very independent.

so in my case, nursing did not make my kids unable to self soothe, they fall asleep in strollers, car seats, in arms and dd will sometimes just lay down and fall asleep. (she was exclusively nursed to sleep and she still learned how to fall asleep on her own just fine ) oh and no special blankets or objects, they just crash out.

all a far cry from my childhood, my mom went back to work quickly, weaned me 2 months in and i still can't fall asleep on my own easily.