Feel like I have made the wrong decision.....

[mama to 2 girls]

I started "officially" HSing (actually more un-schooling) my 6 yr. old dd this year and a few mama's that I know seem to think that just because my dd isn't going to actual school that I am doing something wrong.....for example.....

My neighbor across the street has one 2 yr old dd and she goes to daycare We were over at her house a few weeks ago and my dd was just sitting in a recliner with dd2 and they were looking at one of her 2yr old's books, and yes it was a little "babyish" but she had the nerve to look at me and say "She needs to go to school". Everytime I ask her how her dd is doing with daycare she says..."She still cries every time I drop her off but she likes it she just doesn't want to admit it". She has been in daycare for about 2 mos. now.

Then I have a neighbor mama 2 doors down and while she hasn't said anything directly she has dropped hints to the same effect......she has 3 dc.... one 4 1/2 yr. old and then 2 1/2 yr old twins...the 4 1/2 yr old went to pre-school last yr and again this year and her twins also started pre-school this year.

I will say that we don't do a whole lot....we get out a couple places here and there during the week and also every Friday we meet up with a HSing group in our area. Plus, I enrolled her in a once-a-month class at our Aquarium for HS'ers. But we don't go somewhere EVERY day. Some days we just stay and play at home all day. I also know another mama who has 2 kids (a set of 2 1/2 yr old twins and then another 1 yr old girl ) and she says she takes them somewhere EVERY day. I feel like everytime I talk to them and they ask me what I am doing tomorrow, or the next day or next week or what ever, that I am being a bad mother and my kids aren't going to be normal because I don't take them somewhere everyday and because my oldest isn't in actual school and dd2 (4 yrs old) isn't in pre-school.

Am I "damaging" my dd and my other kids by not taking them somewhere everyday? Will my kids (especially my oldest) know how to make friends even though they aren't actual school? Are they going to be emotionally challenged as far as meeting people and making new friends?......These are some of the questions that go thru my head every day.

Sorry for venting...I know my post is probably all over the place but I am just overwhelmed with emotions.

[MCatLvrMom2A&X]

[lach]

I have to say that I had a hard time reading the rest of your post after your judgment of your neighbor who has a career that she went to school for and enjoys. I'm sorry, but I found that incredibly offensive, not to mention sort of bizarre. A NP is a pretty impressive accomplishment, but to derisively call it a "fancy degree" seems out of left field. That seems to be more of a practical degree than an unnecessarily fancy one. And to imply that there's something wrong with wanting to have a career that you're educated for and enjoy strikes me as an unfair judgment of someone else's perfectly valid and normal life choices.

As for getting out of the house, you should do what works for your family. I always enjoy getting out and doing things, but some people are more homebodies and there's nothing wrong with that. As your DDs get older and have more interests that they want to pursue, you'll probably end up doing more outside of the house.

No, I don't think that hanging out at home a lot will mess them up. I do hope, however, that you're careful about judgements you make about other people's educations and career choices in front of them. Kids are little sponges and they pick up even unspoken thoughts much better than adults give them credit for.

[mama to 2 girls]

Originally Posted by lach

I have to say that I had a hard time reading the rest of your post after your judgment of your neighbor who has a career that she went to school for and enjoys. I'm sorry, but I found that incredibly offensive, not to mention sort of bizarre. A NP is a pretty impressive accomplishment, but to derisively call it a "fancy degree" seems out of left field. That seems to be more of a practical degree than an unnecessarily fancy one. And to imply that there's something wrong with wanting to have a career that you're educated for and enjoy strikes me as an unfair judgment of someone else's perfectly valid and normal life choices.

As for getting out of the house, you should do what works for your family. I always enjoy getting out and doing things, but some people are more homebodies and there's nothing wrong with that. As your DDs get older and have more interests that they want to pursue, you'll probably end up doing more outside of the house.

No, I don't think that hanging out at home a lot will mess them up. I do hope, however, that you're careful about judgements you make about other people's educations and career choices in front of them. Kids are little sponges and they pick up even unspoken thoughts much better than adults give them credit for.

First of all I am sorry to have offended you but I guess you would have to know this person before you knew where I was coming from.....I don't ever belittle people in front of my kids, I am not an idiot. I don't think badly of people who want to got to school and get a degree and actually use it, my bro. and SIL both have degree (my bro. actually has a PhD) But just so you know why I said what I did......Her dh makes more than enough to give his family everything they could want and she wanted nothing more than to have kids after she had a m/c.....she talked about staying home with her child and she was very depressed for months, I really felt bad for her.....She became p/g again and had her dd and after 2 weeks, she practically pushed her dd off on her mom (and no she did not have PPD, I had it and I know her pretty well and she never mentioned or showed any other problems other than her newborn was "difficult") it was then she decided to go for her Nurse Practitioner degree.....there are other things that go into it but to keep from having this thread removed and further offending anyone.....she basically stated that she wanted to get away from her dd and her mother basically raised her dd. She didn't have the degree before her dd came. It was like she had the baby, yes she was a fussy, "difficult" baby who didn't like to sleep but I have had 2 like that.....I felt like telling her "you know kids are not returnable". And to top it off she complains about her job daily. I should have chosen better words, I agree but that what came to mind today after talking to her while she complained about her job at a Pain Management clinic.

So I am very sorry if I offended you I guess I should remove that from my original post to keep from offending others, who don't exactly know the whole story.

[cappuccinosmom]

Am I "damaging" my dd and my other kids by not taking them somewhere everyday? Will my kids (especially my oldest) know how to make friends even though they aren't actual school? Are they going to be emotionally challenged as far as meeting people and making new friends?......

No, yes, and no, respectively.

Whether and how your children make friends has nothing to do with where they are educated. It has a lot to do with their personality, and some to do with the family dynamic.

You can and should provide your children opportunities to interact with others. However, there is no reason you need to take little children out and about every single day. You can have a low-key, home-centered life and still have happy, well-adjusted kids.

High levels of anxiety and constant second-guessing yourself though, your kids will pick up on, and that won't have a good effect. How other people do things cannot dictate your life, or your feelings about your life. Make your decisions based on research, and your knowledge of your children's needs, and then refuse to feel guilty about it.

[mama to 2 girls]

Originally Posted by cappuccinosmom

No, yes, and no, respectively.

Whether and how your children make friends has nothing to do with where they are educated. It has a lot to do with their personality, and some to do with the family dynamic.

You can and should provide your children opportunities to interact with others. However, there is no reason you need to take little children out and about every single day. You can have a low-key, home-centered life and still have happy, well-adjusted kids.

High levels of anxiety and constant second-guessing yourself though, your kids will pick up on, and that won't have a good effect. How other people do things cannot dictate your life, or your feelings about your life. Make your decisions based on research, and your knowledge of your children's needs, and then refuse to feel guilty about it.

Thanks, I know in my head that I made the right decision but everyone else keeps beating it right back out!

Yes, but for me it's easier said than done. I have a major problem with guilt. I only have to try to get out for a drink with a friend once in a while and I feel so guilty when I go. Sometimes I end up not going because of it....Got any idea's on how to "refuse" feeling guilty?

Thanks again.

[MrsJewelsRae]

I would not feel guilty about that at all! Your dd's have each other and are simply living a normal life. You certainly don't have to go somewhere every day, that is ridiculous for your neighbour to think that is necessary. Kids need unscheduled time to just hang out at home and be themselves and not always running to and fro IMO. We live out in the country, there is no way we are heading into town every day for some activity, my kids would get sick of it after a while and it wouldn't be special anymore- not to mention, I like having a more laid back schedule around here. There is plenty to keep their imaginations busy at home. In a few weeks we will have hs skating once a week, but that's only 5-6 months of the year that our small town Christian HS group meets on a weekly basis, the rest is just life- occasional trips to the park, the library every 2-3 weeks, the grocery store once a week, etc. I'm quite happy with my kids social development. Plus, it sounds like you live in the city with neighbours who have kids as well (our closest neighbours are 1/2 mile up the road and in their 60s)- so your girls will get to interact with other kids on a regular basis after school anyhow.

Remember, it's usually insecure people who like to tell you all about what they are doing with their kids. Don't judge your life by them or compare yourself, because they are usually inflating all the amazing things they do with their kids. I have a good friend like this. She is a hs mom as well, but she is always going on and on about the next amazing educational activity her children will be doing, how much she is baking and cooking, all of her accomplishments and those of her children with school. It's just a brag fest, she's inflating herself to sound more amazing, and everyone finds it annoying- I wouldn't try to measure up to that, because most of the time there's a lot of exaggeration going on- they don't want you to feel like you can measure up because it would make them more normal. I feel sorry for her, that she has such low self esteem she has to boost herself up by blowing up every little thing she does into something miraculous. Plus if you try to compete with that, she will always find a way to best you and make you feel bad. So just smile and nod and don't get involved.

Also, don't let non homeschoolers tell you how to homeschool. They don't know what they are talking about and usually have a very different educational philosophy than you. You know your kids best, go with your gut and do your best (not someone else's definition of best).

[zebrachick83]

Originally Posted by MrsJewelsRae

Also, don't let non homeschoolers tell you how to homeschool. They don't know what they are talking about and usually have a very different educational philosophy than you. You know your kids best, go with your gut and do your best (not someone else's definition of best).

ITA with this, but I'd add other homeschoolers to the list of people who shouldn't tell you how to hs. Sometimes other HS mamas can be a little judgey too about what curriculum you're using, what method, what reading level your child is on, etc. Everyone has their own approach and everyone has different kids with different needs. As long as your dc are happy and learning, it doesn't matter where it's at.

[MrsJewelsRae]

ITA with this, but I'd add other homeschoolers to the list of people who shouldn't tell you how to hs. Sometimes other HS mamas can be a little judgey too about what curriculum you're using, what method, what reading level your child is on, etc. Everyone has their own approach and everyone has different kids with different needs. As long as your dc are happy and learning, it doesn't matter where it's at.

[mama to 2 girls]

You are so right! And of course me being the type of person I am, I am already worried that my cousin's dd who is 5yrs old and started public kindy this year is going to be so much more "advanced" than my oldest dd. Like she will feel left out, that lately I don't like the person I am becoming...for instance making her do workbook pages and trying to keep her on track for what they are doing in actual public school.....This is NOT something I set out to do. This is just something i've got to get over and deal with myself. I hate that in this day and age and society that there is so much pressure on kids and parents alike to be the smartest and so much emphasis is placed on who knows more at an earlier age.

[Lisa1970]

I think you are damaging yourself, and possibly your child, by not putting up better boundaries. I think it is cruel to drop a crying child off at a daycare and walk away, to selfishly do whatever you want to do with your life, while ignoring that you have a real human being child who needs you. That 2 yr old is learning good and clear that Mom does not care, is unresponsive, she does not count, etc etc etc.

I have teens now. I look to the same snooty parents who knew it all when we had small children. Some of them seriously try to tell me how "lucky" I am that my children have turned out how they are turning out. Lucky??? Seriously! I cared for my children and loved them and I did what was right, while they were busy pursuing their own lives or friends and careers and such. They gave up nothing for their children.

Try to find a more supportive group of friends if possible. In about 10 years, come back and tell us how their kids are texting all night long, lying, sneaking out, bad mouthing the parents, and how shocked the parents are and how the parents want to suddenly "fix" it now. Those parents won't blame themselves, they will try to convince themselves that you just got lucky.

(((hugs))))

[simple living mama]

You know, I'm sort of at the end of my homeschool journey as my kids are now 13 and 12. They want to try high school so that means this will be the last year for my daughter and the following year, my son. I can't even begin to tell you what a joy these years have been homeschooling our kids. I am savoring every day now and it's still so damn enjoyable. I've home schooled more on the relaxed side going from complete unschooling to a small amount of structure to relaxed and back to unschooling. So, a bit all over the place depending on where I felt comfortable as a parent and teacher.

Anyway, the point is, I have two very confident kids that love life, love learning and have heaps of interests. They have had opportunities that schooled kids never get. I've always worked part time with public school kids both preschool and elementary age so I have been able to see both sides of the coin, not to mention my own experiences in public school.

The best parts of homeschooling have been how deeply they have been able to get in to their projects. Also how it's kept us very close as a family with much time devoted to learning how to respect and deal with conflicts in healthy ways. And all the fun things that go along with homeschooling! Right now they are learning how to make bread. What a great skill to know as good bread now costs $4.00 a loaf.

I have no regrets and as much as it's been hard financially on us, it's been worth it. So, look at your neighbors as one of many small bumps along the way but that's all they are, small bumps. When you look back on the years you are about to have with your beautiful child, you will be so happy you took this route, I am sure of it. Good luck mama.

[simple living mama]

This has been one of the most helpful websites in our journey of homeschooling. It's filled with amazing articles on learning. Read some of these and you'll be convinced you ARE doing the right thing.
http://www.naturalchild.org/articles/learning.html

[Lisa1970]

BTW, I have a degree, but I do not feel the need to flaunt it through a career. But I have found many working mothers, with and without degrees, to assume they are higher educated than me. I only rarely meet a working mother with a higher education than me. I can list off the "important jobs" that so many around me do that I have met over the last few years. 2 were personal trainers, 1 is an appartment complex manager, 1 approved credit checks at her job, one was a secretary of sorts, etc etc. I am not saying these are bad people. But I just cannot see going off to a job where all I do is shove papers around on credit checks, or tell someone to do one more sit up, and feel good about leaving my children in the hands of strangers. But what really gets to me is when these people turn their nose up at those who chose to spend time with their own children and play an active role in raising their children. I think that those who try to tear down others do it because they feel insecure in their choices. They do not want to give up their free time, their lunch breaks, the extra money from the paychecks, the SUVs, vacations, etc, so it is easier for them to justify it by trying to bring everyone else down with them.

I don't really have a problem with someone being a working mother. But my mother worked when I was growing up and my dad had a job where he was able to be home when we got home from school. When we had our first child, we had a nanny who was a nice girl, the daughter of the pastor from our church. When she could no longer work for us (she left for college) I ended up being a SAHM. It was a blow to my ego, but you know what? Life in general is not meant to be one long ego stroking time. I just think the egos of the working parent community (I am talking not about the entire community, I am talking about the ones that are gone 60 hrs a week, both parents, and then purchase expensive cars, expensive vacations, expensive clothes, etc, and have babysitters filling in for what little time they do have with their children) to be so ego filled, and they do not want that ego burst so their best defense is to drag everyone down with them.

[mama to 2 girls]

Thanks, so much to everyone for your supportive replies. I think the same thing also.....I just need to find some better friends. I just don't exactly know when I am going to get around to it. We were at our HS group playdate yesterday and at one point I looked up from keeping both eyes on ds and following him up the stairs and then watching him go down the slides (he likes to run off with not a care in the world and not mention he is a dare devil) and still trying to keep an eye on my dd's, that all the other mama's were sitting down with each other on bench's laughing and talking. The one time I took my eyes off of ds for 2 seconds to talk to another mom, ds disappeared! I freaked out as usual, only to find him a minute later in one of the tube slides hiding. oy. I think I know the kids better in the group than I do the moms.

Thanks again for all the support!

[Kindermama]

I think you should take the focus off of what other people are doing for their families (which may or may work for them) and stop comparing your mothering to theirs. Out of the insecurity comes judgment. That only hurts you and your friendships. Let them say what they say. You can't change someone else's view. You have to come to a place within yourself where you trust your choice (to the point that a well-meaning comment doesn't sway you). Your kids will be happy if you're happy! Homeschooling will be successful if you have a positive outlook!

[karanyavel]

Good Lord, I hope I'm not harming my child (6 y/o) by not taking her somewhere every day!

My husband has a crazy schedule right now -- last semester of college, senior project, applying for jobs, interviewing, considering grad school, etc. etc. And I cannot drive, nor do we have public transportation. Oh and I'm disabled (MS) and the weather here is horrendous (as in HOT HOT HOT almost year-round).

We get out of the house 2-3 times a week and most of that is going to the store! We try to do something more interesting about once a week -- a trip to an indoor playground, visiting relatives, going to the farmer's market, visiting the wildlife refuge when the weather permits (winter), etc. My solution has been to fill our home with all kinds of opportunities for learning, like setting up a bio lab in the spare bedroom, buying tons of used books, etc.

I grew up in a similar situation as a child, although the weather was better and I had 200 acres of farmland and wild land to explore. Wayyyy out in the boonies. My mom was completely freaking out because I was almost six years old by the time I even met another child anywhere near my age! I wouldn't trade that childhood experience for anything, though, and never had a bit of trouble making friends or getting along in social situations (at least until we moved to the world's snobbiest small town when I was in 5th grade, but that's another story for another time).

Relax, dump anyone toxic in your life, and enjoy your child.

--K

[AAK]

Originally Posted by mama to 2 girls

Thanks, so much to everyone for your supportive replies. I think the same thing also.....I just need to find some better friends. I just don't exactly know when I am going to get around to it. We were at our HS group playdate yesterday and at one point I looked up from keeping both eyes on ds and following him up the stairs and then watching him go down the slides (he likes to run off with not a care in the world and not mention he is a dare devil) and still trying to keep an eye on my dd's, that all the other mama's were sitting down with each other on bench's laughing and talking. The one time I took my eyes off of ds for 2 seconds to talk to another mom, ds disappeared! I freaked out as usual, only to find him a minute later in one of the tube slides hiding. oy. I think I know the kids better in the group than I do the moms.

Thanks again for all the support!

That makes it tough. Perhaps, while holding your ds for a moment you can invite a few of the moms with children that your dd likes over to your house for later in the week. That way, your ds can be in an environment that is less of a flight risk and you can talk with some of the moms. Your dd will probably love the extra playdate too.

Also, read http://www.amazon.com/Homeschooling-...6201744&sr=8-1 and other similar books to help you build your confidence about your choice. Sometimes things as simple as the aura of confidence/determination can prevent people from making comments. Big example for me is with nursing. With my first, I was nervous to nip. I got several comments (mostly from supportive people I think) to move to the restroom or to use a blanket or whatnot. I think they saw my nervousness and were actually trying to help. With #2 and #3, I was confident and proud and no one made any comment except to say "good for you" etc even as they became toddlers. So, if you seem unsure, I think they will notice and take the opportunity to "help you" realize that ps is a great choice. If you seem confident, even some planned boasting (just to start as I wouldn't want you to become annoying!) can curb it. Talk about how wonderful the hs group is and wow we really had fun with this. DD is sure learning a lot about science or whatever. And she is, especially if she is given the chance to explore, create, and imagine.

Amy

[Catherine12]

I think there are two issues here:

1) Your neighbors attitudes toward homeschooling.

2) Your opinion of how you are doing with homeschooling.

For the first, you may (or may not) be able to improve their attitudes by educating them about homeschooling - I would start by explaining that your dd isn't "not in school", she is just doing school at home with you. I would also take the "this is what works for us" tack - so they understand you're not denigrating their choices, despite choosing differently. And explain that actually a lot of people do this, you have a support network and a plan, etc.

If you do that and are still getting hostility, maybe you can just establish school as a topic to not bring up. If that doesn't work, I would personally not try to carry on the friendship. Friends should be able to respect each other's choices, even when they are different. And constantly hearing your parenting choices questioned wouldn't be good for your dc.

For the second, I think you need to decide what you want your hsing to look like. Not by comparing yourself to others, but with what you think would be best for your dd. Maybe you'll find you want to add something, or maybe you'll realize that you're happy with what you're doing now. I agree with pps that confidence is important.

[sapphire_chan]

Your first neighbor had a problem with your 6 year old reading a 2 year old's books to your 4 year old? Seriously? Lemme guess, she also throws a hissy fit if a boy so much as looks at a doll?