late night confessions part 2

[mexicali mami]

Hi everyone. I'm sorry if this isn't the right place to post but it's the thread I check the most and seems most relevant to my situation. I wrote a while back and was saying too much so I deleted it. Everyone had the same answer and I took your advice. Sort of.

The place I'm at it this. I have been thinking about leaving forever. I had been maintaining contact with another man that I shouldn't have. I asked if he would move here to be with me and he said no so that's pretty much over. I can't move to Australia. I just can't.

My therapist said I need to leave my current partner. She said my cheating was grounds to have my child taken away and that I was really being unethical and that the best way to remedy the situation would be to follow through and move out. Or come clean and see what happens but I really don't want to do that.

I got all excited about leaving and started looking for my new place, I got a great job that I start next week, I made a new single girlfriend and was looking forward to my new life of freedom and socializing.

Then everything started getting perfect at home. My boyfriend is being super cool about the whole thing, we are getting along great, going to the beach and out to eat. We are laughing and our son is happy, we live in a great house that I adore.

So, what's a gal to do? You spend most of your time complaining about your partner and how bad it is, then all of sudden you realize it's not so bad...and it's actually good sometimes..why make a mess of everything? Why leave and pay double rent and be alone? Why did I want to be alone so bad? Why did I think some other guy was better than mine just because I didn't have him?

I guess I'm bipolar. I don't know. I do have some pretty serious emotional issues. I just can't believe I can go back and forth between these two extremes so quickly. I want to leave, just because it's what I always wanted to do for some reason. Then I realize how much I love these two guys and how much I will miss out. Not that I wouldn't be here for my son, but the time gets cut in half. I even love my partner, and I wonder why I was always bagging on him. Always being so negative.

Still there's a lot of stuff that's gone down between us. I'm not sure if he will ever really forgive me for some of my past actions. Nor I to him. I love the idea of meeting someone new, but then again not really. I'm confused. It's late. I had an iced tea with dinner and now I can't sleep.

Just had to get it out there...

[babygirlie]

Happiness does not lie with another but within yourself It sounds like you started living independently and that is what made you happy. You realized YOU were why you were unhappy and you needed to get out and explore and realize your self worth and drop the baggage you felt was yours. In return it made him happier to see you happy.. or perhaps you just didn't notice he was happy.

I do know how you feel. I really do trust me. But I also think.. that grass isn't greener. it will be the same old sht just another person.. I will be the remaining factor. I have to change me and no one else can do it. I'm if bored it's not his fault. If he irritates me some other guy will belch louder and it truely must be something else. Though there are a lot of things that make me unhappy. I wonder a lot but I don't think I could be in any sort of happy relationship unless I myself have come to peace with myself and how MY life is.. my life not including any relationships but my own sole self.

[PoppyMama]

How are your meds? Is your therapist trying any cognitive based work with you? I am hearing your illness talking through you right now and it doesn't sound like it's anywhere close to being stabilized. It breaks my heart because I can imagine hearing the same things from my dd after she becomes an adult.

[PoppyMama]

BTW- I would stop all cheating activity and be true to the home you're in but I wouldn't suggest that you make any decisions or declarations until you get better meds and more helpful therapy.

[mexicali mami]

I'm not medicated. I just go to counseling and she's pretty good. I went to a doctor here for meds but he was really old school and would only give me prozac and some other stabilizer. It was the worst month of my life taking those pills. So I quit and now I'm much happier. Stable no, but happy, generally speaking.

I realize no one outside myself will make me happy. I just really really thought that the problems between my partner and I were too big to fix so I started working on leaving. Now that the time is near, I feel like maybe these "problems" aren't such deal breakers after all.

I just don't want to wimp out on leaving because I'm scared of being alone nor do I want to leave a relationship where we have a child together, just because I have problems being happy and I think it would be fun to be on my own for a while.

The cheating has stopped. Pretty much, he ended it. It was just emails at this point and I have to do my best to stop writing. I don't imagine having any further contact unless I initiate it. It sort of an addiction so I'll have to work really hard to let it go, but I know I can.

[PoppyMama]

I know that others may disagree but I think that bipolar really needs to be medicated and I think you owe it to your child, yourself and your dh to find a better doctor. Starting you on prozac and a mood stabilizer does not follow a good standard of care. Please find another doctor and try a mood stabilizer first since mania is obviously causing harm to your family. My dd is on Abilify, Trileptal, and Prozac (which is the newest addition and which we plan to change at her next appt) but if she was older the doctor said she would have been ready to try Lamictal already. Even the imperfect med combo has made a big difference in her risky, impulsive behaviors. I think expecting therapy alone to override what your brain is doing to you is setting yourself up for failure.

[AugustLia23]

But you've never been diagnosed with anything, so you don't know that you really are bi-polar. Good luck with getting it all figured out.

[lilyka]

Maybe instead of doing everything at once just do baby steps. You may find having just a little bit of what you are looking for is plenty. you sound like you are really looking forward to your job. Thats great. I can't believe what a self esteem boost getting a job was for me (and it was a stupid job but very social and allowed me to put some savings aside which came in handy when I found our my husband was having an affair. it provided a measure of security for me. I could feel something coming. I was also able to buy some new clothes and do something with my hair and afford some make up....you know, look like something other than a neglected house wife.) Maybe work for a few months (6 to 12) and see if that break, the change and routine will help you out. If you want to go ut with the girls do it. Maybe every other week or even for a couple of hours every friday. whatever. If it makes you feel better go out late after your son has gone to bed. If it makes you feel better do while he is awake

And if you feel like there is something really wrong with you (like bi polar) find a good Dr. and have a full evaluation. Whatever you do remain open though and don't diagnose yourself. Find a Dr. who will listen, who knows how to get to the bottom of things and will find a treatment plan that works for you. In the mean time keep seeing your therapist, keep working on yourself and your relationship. Because yeah. not only will your time with your son be cut in half it will likely be the time that is left over from work. My xh only gets a few hours on Thursday and every other weekend. Doesn't sound like much but that leaves me from 3 1/2 on Monday through Saturday and all day every other Sunday. And thats it. not much for someone who used to spend 16 hours a day every day with her kids. And those three and half hours a day are mostly eaten up with home work, chores, baths and dinner. And that is also their only time to play with friends. It totally sucks. Even with the lions share of custody I hardly have anything. I lost them more than just the days he gets them.

[mexicali mami]

Wow, thank you. Great insight lilyka. That's sort of what I was thinking but I'm getting really stressed out that my therapist is pushing me to leave. I know she's just going on the things that I tell her A. that I've never felt truly happy in my relationship B. I want/wanted to be with another man...but still.

I'm not bipolar. Both my sister and my therapist confirmed that. They are both pretty knowledgeable and I trust them enough to not seek further diagnosis. I'm sure it could be something else, but honestly, living in Mexico and not having health insurance would make it near impossible to get proper treatment. So I will have to self medicate with my herbs and vitamins, and do my best to maintain control and not go to either extreme.

But today, for the first time in a long time, I just hugged and really felt love for my STBX crying and wishing it could be different. That I could be happy with him. That I didn't need to destroy everything to go searching for happiness.

It's hard because I see that most people here have had such a hard time with lying, cheating, abusive ex's...and my guy is not that bad. It's like the book...Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay. Trapped in a world of in between...which I suppose is why I am being urged to move on. Because who wants to live in between? You gotta keep reaching for the stars...life is but a dream, make it happen the way you want. If I only knew what I wanted..

Anyhow...Thank You all...this really helps a lot.

[provocativa]

you might want to also look into concomitant medical issues. depression and bipolar are some of the top presenting symptoms for wheat and gluten intolerance, whether or not a person is producing enough antibodies to show up on a blood test. this is because food intolerances prevent the absorption of nutrients necessary for proper brain function.

[mexicali mami]

Great tip, thanks provocativa. I've tried a gluten free diet only to end up running to the store and chowing down a whole baguette after a few days. I didn't do it for mental health reasons however, so with that in mind I might be able to stick to it this time. My diet has been less than ideal and it's one of the the next things on my list to address. After you know, starting my new job, getting a new place to live and moving, mourning the loss of my partner...that sort of thing Or I could do it simultaneously...cause, if it could help..better sooner than later right?

[provocativa]

you might want to check out this site: www.rebuild-from-depression.com written by an mdc mama. i designed myself a supplement program based on her research. my kids and i also take gaba- which is a calming neurotransmitter that our bodies should in theory make themselves, if they have enough nutrients and we haven't ingested food additives which inhibit its synthesis. fyi, wheat and dairy both contain opiate polypeptides, which is why folks go through withdrawl. . . .