DH wants to force 4y/o to read

[J2]

My husband keeps telling me how I have to teach DS to read. And this morning he was talking to DS telling him that he needs learn to read. My son sad "I know" kind of down trodden. And my husband asked if he knows, then why isn't he learning to read. And my son adamantly says "I don't want to!"

We had been using Teach Your Child to Read in 100 Easy Lessons. And that was going very well for us. And he LOVED learning to read. This was when he was an early 4 years old. We then went on vacation for a week and when we came back he no longer wanted to read. (He wanted to do art instead all the time - which I thought was great too!) We have done a few reading activities here and there. But if I pull out a book that he thinks is our learning to read book, then he is like "Are we going to learn to read?!" (not in a happy voice)

DS is only 4.5 right now. He can read many 3 and 4 letter words. I told my husband that he is not behind. He said, well, he is on track to be. He stated that if he isn't progressing at all then there is no growth and obviously that will eventually make someone behind. Then he goes on to state how he was in actual kindergarten at this same age of 4 and learning to read and such.

I am just not sure how to explain to my husband that it is okay...he will read. And of course, my husband wants him reading sooner, faster than other kids. He definitely wants him reading by the end of this school year....and thinks it would be even better if he were reading by the end of this current calendar year! Think we should use incentives and stuff. I have been not pushing it. We are relaxed. He is FOUR! He says I can't always take this approach because then at any age in the future he will not be wanting to learn, etc

I have read things online. I know it is okay not to push him. But how do I share this with my husband? Are Gatto's books on CD? I haven't read any. Would this be a good suggestion of something to read/listen to on audio? Any other ideas?

[sweetmama3]

Wow, that is a sticky situation. I kinda know how you feel, because DS attended a year of preschool, so my DH thinks that everyday at home needs to be like PS kindergarten. Show him the state standards, which, if your DS at four already knows how to read small words, he is well in advance of other students.

The more you and DH try to push him to read, the more resistant he is going to be. Good luck, I wish I had more advice to give you..

[tammyw]

My son turned four in June and he doesn't even know letter sounds - reading is VERY far off for him. He does know his letters, but doesn't have interest in going further than that.

My daughter is 7.5 and is reading at a very high reading level (not sure exactly where, but she easily reads long chapter books like The Penderwicks, Mysterious Benedict Society, and Harry Potter). She was NOT reading at 4. When she became interested, she read. (Additionally I know boys potentially do these things later than girls, so we won't be expecting the same at all.)

The only thing we did to teach her was read to her a ton and let her play on games like starfall, reading eggs, and headsprout. But she didn't REALLY start reading until she wanted to, when she found a set of books that she really enjoyed, namely A to Z Mysteries. (My son, on the other hand, really likes playing on the computer, but has no interest in the reading programs yet).

I definitely think that if your DH pushes your son so hard, and makes him feel bad about it, it could end badly.

[MCatLvrMom2A&X]

My ds will be 6 next month and still cant read. I dont understand the big hurry to read really.

[limette]

You can't force a child's brain to progress at a rate it's not ready for yet. From what I've read, most kids entering kindergarten (age 5) don't know how to read. That's why teaching the alphabet and letter sounds is in the curriculum.

I did the same book with my dd1 and she got about 3/4 through it before getting bored so we quit. She showed no interest in learning to read after that point so I just left it. 6 months later she started reading everything she came across and now she is an avid reader. She was an early reader and despite what your dh would call falling behind, she learned at her own pace and is doing very well.

Maybe he should research child development/education.

[umsami]

I think the best thing you can do is to show your DH the state standards for PreK (where your son would be), Kindy, and 1st. Sounds like your DS is already at a Kindergarten level if he can read some cvc words.

I'd also point out that the best thing your DH could do would be to read to your son for pleasure (no pressure... no what's this word... sound it out).

Maybe you can call a local elementary school and arrange for a brief meeting with a teacher and your DH? Something tells me he's not going to listen to you.

[elizawill]

my son is in first grade & is 6 1/2 and he's just now learning to read. his books consist of a mix of CVC words and sight words. i think he's doing awesome personally, & i certainly don't consider him way behind. at age 4, i'd say your little guy is doing wonderful, and he's probably way ahead of many kids. he certainly isn't lagging by any means. i'm so sorry your husband doesn't understand that. that really stinks. i hope you two can work it out, especially since the added pressure feels upsetting to your little guy.

hugs.

[chfriend]

I started actual kindergarten at 4 as well. I read before kindergarten.

My kids didn't and don't.

There is tremendous danger in comparing our children's development with our remembered development.

They are their own people and grow and learn in their own ways.

[4evermom]

My dh had unrealistic expectations of ds reading at a young age because he started reading when he was 3. But I didn't learn until I was 6 1/2 and in first grade. I was able to tell dh that I turned out just fine despite being such a "late" reader and reminded him he was an unusually early reader.

We recently had another little discussion because I was telling dh that ds seems to be reading well at a third grade level (he technically just started fourth but he is also at the young end of the age range, plus we unschool so we weren't pushing it). I was pleased because ds only really started picking up on reading a year ago (age 8) though he has been developing prereading skills for years. Dh's first response was that wasn't good enough! Umm? Reading on level IS good enough. Why on earth does he think ds was going to stop there?

I don't really have any advice because my dh generally understands my points when I explain these things. And he knows ds gets resistant easily to being taught things. So dh just worries sometimes and I reassure him. But I found that sending him articles to his email was a good way to give him info. Also, that was a good way to tell him about neat things ds did, things dh wouldn't notice because he was at work and only saw the evening ds. I've heard of people leaving books and articles in the bathroom for their spouses as well, lol.

[zjande]

Well, I have no helpful advice whatsoever. I just really wanted to let you know that I can sympathize. My dh really pushes our son to read as well. He'll be 5 in Nov. And he can read, and I'm not against early academics myself, if the child is interested. But I'm not *rushed* to get our 4 yo to be at a 4th grade level or anything. And I stop the lesson when he's bored/done. The main thing I've personally ended up doing, is continuing my own homeschool education during the day the way I prefer it done, and letting my dh do the kind of teaching he thinks is best in the evenings. That was our compromise- if he really thinks that's best for our ds, he can teach that way. It's just one of those things that happens in marriage sometimes....... we don't always agree. My husband is super brilliant-genius-dude & seems to think everyone can be that way if they try hard enough. I tend to think he'll relax more & more with each kid as he realizes that that is not always the case.

Anyway, that's what we do. I told you I had no helpful advice!

[ktgrok]

Look for books on the brains of boys. Show him that some boys brains don't develop the parts needed for reading until later, but they often are more advanced in math. For heavens sake, how many job interviews has he been on where they asked what age he learned to read?

[Lillian J]

Originally Posted by J2

I have read things online. I know it is okay not to push him. But how do I share this with my husband? Are Gatto's books on CD? I haven't read any. Would this be a good suggestion of something to read/listen to on audio? Any other ideas?

No, it is NOT "okay" not to push him - it's CRUCIAL not to push him! Gatto could help with some broader issues, but I don't think he addresses this particular one. Here's a page that has lots of articles, many by professional and experienced educators, who are quite concerned about the issue of pushing children so young into things like this.

I don't believe reading is the real issue here - I can't help but feel that his dad thinks he's being coddled by not being run through the sort of hurdles of discipline he thinks are a necessary part of growing up properly. And it sounds as if your son has a very brave temperament to be able to speak up like that - wow! Someone at the door - gotta' run! Lillian

[lmonter]

Hmm. Has your husband done any research on what the outcomes are of pushing your children when they're not ready? In my limited experience, when you try to force something (oh, like potty training for instance!), it comes back and bites you in the rear and then some. I bet your hubby would be resentful of his boss if the boss wanted him to take 20 college credits in a semester in addition to his regular work load, correct? Even if the boss's reasoning is that "other folks can do it, we don't want you to get behind!"

I don't have any good articles bookmarked right off the bat... But do you think your husband would read The Read Aloud Handbook by Jim Trelease? And then be willing to read aloud to his child? From local friends' tales, their boys only really seem to get into reading when it's something that interests them. How to get better at a video game, wanting to read Treasure Island by themselves, etc.

My 6yo is all about road signs right now, and The Boxcar Children has started sucking him in so he's getting really close to being able to read. But he'll be 7yo next week - he thinks it's great fun when we do school since we haven't pushed him a ton. The other night? He and I spent a good 20 minutes or so flipping through the word cards in our All About Spelling deal. Just from us randomly showing him the alphabet and spelling out words for him to write down and giving him paper and crayons, he recognized/read 90-95% of the words through Lesson 12 (out of 24 or 26 I think?).

I'm totally guilty of "leaving" a book somewhere strategic for hubby to catch a glimpse of. Sometimes I'll ask him a time or two to flip through it, but I don't sit him down and say "here, read this or else." Heh. I might want to sometimes, but usually he's not too difficult to convince. My track record's pretty good though, I haven't made/asked him to read anything totally awful in a long, long time.

[AAK]

Pushing a child like that takes all the fun out of learning. And, when the fun leaves learning. . . children hate it and then resist anything that resembles it. My goal is to create life long learners. I would expect that you dh really wants a life long learner too.

But, if he is going to be stubborn, maybe you can remind him that reading is decoding, fluency, and comprehension. While you wait for your child to be ready for decoding and fluency. . . you can build comprehension skills simply by reading to him. Others have mentioned The Read Aloud Handbook (which is great) but your dh could simply share his childhood favorites with his son.

Amy

[ssh]

Two countries, Sweden and Finland, with the highest literacy rates don't begin teaching reading until 7. The skills a person needs to do problem solving and the type of thinking a person has to use to do higher maths and sciences are best learned through play. Give your son some blocks and rocks and an area to play in the dirt so he can make moats, mountains and rivers. Then tell your DH it's for learning skills he need for engineering and calculus.

I didn't learn to read until I was six but I was reading adult level literature by age 9. The goal shouldn't be how early a child reads, but that the child likes to read.

[lmonter]

Originally Posted by ssh

The skills a person needs to do problem solving and the type of thinking a person has to use to do higher maths and sciences are best learned through play. Give your son some blocks and rocks and an area to play in the dirt so he can make moats, mountains and rivers. Then tell your DH it's for learning skills he need for engineering and calculus.

It's almost mind-blowing what a 5yo can do with a piece of string, a stick, a bucket and a tree. Mechanics, engineering, gravity, you name it.

[EdnaMarie]

Children who are coached may be ahead early on but that wears off by around third grade when children start to learn more independently and those who will be ahead take off on their own.

That is one reason most gifted / advanced programs don't start until third or fourth grade.

Beyond that, I think ssh is right on. Your child has all the skills he needs at his age.

[cappuccinosmom]

I think the best thing you can do is to show your DH the state standards for PreK (where your son would be), Kindy, and 1st. Sounds like your DS is already at a Kindergarten level if he can read some cvc words.

I'd also point out that the best thing your DH could do would be to read to your son for pleasure (no pressure... no what's this word... sound it out).

Maybe you can call a local elementary school and arrange for a brief meeting with a teacher and your DH? Something tells me he's not going to listen to you.

Yes to all this. Your husband was either at a very unusual school, or he has unrealistic memories.

In K4, kids are introduced to letter sounds and shapes. They get a lot of stories read to them. They might learn a few sight words and "read" with rebus sentances (I see a [picture of cat]). That's the foundation of learning to read. But a typical K4 curriculum is not going to turn out a fluent reader at the end of the year. Some children do read fluently at that age, but by no means all, or even a majority.

In my opinion, your husband is picking on this issue as a way to get out of homeschooling altogether. You know your son isn't behind. He admits your son is behind (but is afraid he will be). I think you should address that--just go straight to the root of this. "It seems to me this is your way of telling me you don't want us to homeschool. Is that true? Lets talk about that. What worries do you have about homeschooling?"

ETA: I don't know your husband's background, but my husband fits a stereotype of many immigrants in attitude towards education. To him a B=failure. To him, the more school the better, and the faster it's completed the better. So his pushing the children has been an issue for us, and he was leery of homeschooling at first. It took me a while to point out to him that our son who is naturally advanced would not have nearly the advantages in institutional schooling as he does at home. Because he tests poorly (anxiety), he would never have tested into a gifted program, even though he can easily do the work 1-2 grades ahead of his age-peers. I have to remind dh at times that our children are very young, ds is only 7. And that while he did advance quickly at first, he finally hit the level where he's challenged and having to work hard, and if we try to make him jump ahead too far, we will frustrate him and begin to see problems with grades.

[Nitenites]

Agreeing with everyone else!

Perhaps this analogy will help: would it be helpful to push a 6-month-old into walking before he's ready? Of course not - it's clearly harmful! Same idea here.

Secondly, (and I'm not sure your DH will "hear" this): if you want to raise a reader, a child who reads for pleasure, the quickest way NOT to get there is to make reading a chore. No rewards for reading, and no threats for not reading.

Good luck to you, mama!

[tankgirl73]

I would also suggest looking at some K and grade 1 curriculum, pointing out how K curriculums are just teaching how to recognize letters and just the beginnings of their sounds!

But I think it sounds like your DH is worried about PROGRESS... that because your DS learned some early reading skills awhile ago, and hasn't learned anything further since, that this means he has stalled and will eventually fall behind.

So with that in mind, you should probably also look for articles, books, etc, that address how peaks and plateaus are the normal way that kids learn. They'll absorb a whole bunch of information at once, then take a goodly amount of time to properly digest and process it, before they're ready to add new information -- or skills. Just like physical growth is not a continuous upward curve... does he think that if your son doesn't grow much for a couple of months that he's done growing?

Also look for books like "The Hurried Child" (David Elkind) and "Einstein Never Used Flashcards: Why Our Children Need to Play More and Memorize Less" -- which are about the perils of too much academics too early, and 'forced' learning. And the *science* behind it too.